Disbelief and Despair
My mind screamed the words "No, no, no!" over and over again but I couldn't seem to bring them to my mouth. I could only stand there sobbing, crying uncontrollably as Buffy told me that she loved me. I wanted to stop her. I wanted to tell her not to leave me. Who would take care of me now that mom was gone? But I could do nothing but cry and stare in horror as I watched Buffy race and jump of the platform. I knew in my heart that she had done it to save me. To let me live. But I hated the fact that she had to save the world…again. Only this time by giving up her life.
I could only cry helplessly and in shock as the portal closed, taking away my brave sister's life with it. I would never forget the calm and understanding on her face. She told me that death was her gift once. We never understood what that meant until tonight. I staggered down the endless stairs, which only moments ago had been climbed quickly. But right now I couldn't get down fast enough. The searing pain in my body was forgotten as Buffy's words rang through my head. All I could remember was her telling me that she had to do this and that she loved me.
As I made my way down, I could see the others now moving slowly to where Buffy's body had fallen. They all looked broken and defeated, even though we had won. I knew I should be elated that the world was not going to end, that Buffy had managed to stop another apocalypse, but I could only cry as a heart wrenching sadness settled deep in me as I saw my sister's body lying lifeless on the planks.
*****
My mind went blank when I finally realised what had happened. To be truthful, I wasn't prepared; I don't think anyone of us was. I had seen her fight evil, stop apocalypses and even when the odds were against her, she won. That was what was so great about her. She beat the odds; she never quit. She put others before herself. I guess that's what made her such a great slayer.
When I first saw her all those years ago in high school, I fell in love with her. I knew she was someone very special. Over the years my love changed for her. Never diminished, but became a brotherly love. I would do anything for her; I would even die for her without hesitation. I would have done so tonight but it frustrated me that this time there was nothing I could have done to save her. This time CPR would not work. She was dead. My best friend was dead and there was nothing I could have done or could do.
I held on tighter to Anya, who was lying weak in my arms. I could not cry. I was too deep in shock. The sadness I felt could not be brought to words. I felt lost, as if I had lost the will to live. I wanted to die right with her, but I knew I had people to look after. Dawn, Willow, Tara and yes, even Spike. I did not like him but I had to bear him now, for Buffy. She had trusted him, now I would too. For her. For the greatest slayer that ever lived. But more so for the greatest friend that I could ever hope to have met.
*****
My head throbbed in pain, where I had hit it. I couldn't believe I had done it. I had gotten hurt while trying to save Xander. I guess that's the things people do when they are in love. I guess that's why Buffy did what she did. I could only stare sadly at the body that was once so full of life and courage. I couldn't really cry, not because I didn't know her, but because I felt that if I broke down, Xander would too. And I knew he didn't want that to happen, when he had so many to take care of.
I felt confused. Why did she have to die? Why was she the one who gave up her life? I wanted to shake the Powers That Be into their senses. Couldn't they see what a beautiful human being that girl was? Why was she the one to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders?
When I was a demon there was nothing that could really affect me, even when I turned human there was not much for me to feel. But as I saw the others with grief on their faces, I realised that there was so much I did feel. Love, compassion, pity and most of all gratitude towards Buffy. She had no reason to be nice to me but she was. I was shocked by the tremor of grief that enveloped me as Xander's arms tightened around me. I knew he was hurting but there was nothing I could do, nothing any one of us could. Buffy was gone and we were left to pick up the pieces.
*****
I really didn't understand what was happening or what I was doing in this place. I couldn't really remember anything after the fair and Glory. I didn't understand why my hand was hurting or why there was a feeling of dread and grief in the air. Willow was next to me, holding me up as I limped towards some debris. I wondered why Willow was suddenly crying and why everyone was upset. That is until I saw Buffy. "Oh god!" I though, as I saw her lying motionless, her hair spread around her. "What happened?" I wanted to know. I didn't understand any of this.
I felt Willow sag against me a little, and soon it was me who was holding her up rather than the other way round. I gave her a sympathetic glance as Willow began to cry. Her best friend, our saviour was dead. My thoughts instantly went to Dawn. What about her? Where was she? What would this do to her?
I could only stare in disbelief and confusion as I stared at the fallen warrior. I didn't know what had happened and I didn't care. All that mattered now was that one of our Scooby gang was dead. How this would affect us, I don't know but I could feel my eyes well up as I stood there, not sure now whom was holding whom, and gave a silent farewell to my friend.
*****
My mind was numb as I walked towards Buffy, who was lying motionless. I held my breath as stepped closer. Maybe she's all right. She has beaten death so many times before. Maybe she did this time too. But the second I saw her, I knew. Buffy was dead. My slayer was dead. I felt my throat constrict with tears as I realised that she was gone. All hope seemed to seep out of me. The joy I had felt when Glory was defeated, the elation I felt when I first saw Buffy lead Dawn away, thinking everything was all right, all of that left me in one moment of thought. Buffy, my slayer, my daughter was dead.
Tears spilled my eyes as I mourned for her. I always knew she would die one day, her life never to be fulfilled but every time she beat the prophesies of her death, every time she was snatched away from the jaws of death. I had come to expect her to survive. I was not prepared for her death. This time death had finally caught up to her. I am ashamed to even think it but I thought that it might turn out to be Dawn who would die. It never even crossed my mind that Buffy would give up her life to save her sister from death. Through the grief my heart swelled with pride. She had given the ultimate sacrifice for the final time.
I briefly wondered who was going to be the next slayer and if she was going to be as great and powerful as Buffy. But I knew no one could compare to her. She was the odd one out among them. That was what had kept her alive for so long. Although the tears flowed feely down and I was stricken with grief, but at the same time I felt proud that I had trained one of the greatest slayers in history. She would be remembered for her courage and bravery till the end of time. I also silently thanked who ever controlled her destiny that she gave up her life, only to save her friends and sister. I knew she would never have wanted to fall to the hands of Glory or any other demon. Maybe the fates weren't so unkind after all but it would never compare to the loss we had suffered.
****
The pain hit me with such a force that it was Tara who ended up supporting me. "No! Buffy!" I thought when I saw her leap to her death. I cried ceaselessly when I saw her lying cold on the debris. She can't be dead. She's the Chosen One. She's supposed to defy death! My thoughts were frantic as I stood staring, not really registering what had happened. All I knew was that Buffy was dead and this time it appeared to be for real.
Our plan worked. Dawn was safe, Glory was gone but then again so was Buffy. I felt guilty that I had saved Tara but was unable to save Buffy. She had saved my life countless times. She always thought of us before herself and this time it lead to her death. Her love and compassion for us all. I wondered if I could do the spell Dawn did, but pushed it out of mind. "No, it's too dangerous." I remembered Tara's warnings. I didn't want to do anything stupid, not when there was no Slayer to save us.
"I have to tell Angel!" I thought with shock. I knew I would be the one to go. This could not be done on the phone or by anyone else. He deserved to know. I felt myself shake with sobs as I realised that today there would be no Buffy to share the celebration of saving the world with. Today would be the gloomiest day for the noble slayer was dead. My best friend was dead. She had saved us all by giving up her life. I hated her for doing it but I knew that if she had to do it again she would have. That was just the way she was.
****
My body ached all over from the fall. I had been lucky I survived and was not dust. But I didn't give damn about that at the moment. Right now all I could think of, all I could see was Buffy leaping into the bloody portal. As I staggered towards where I had seen her fall, I didn't even realise that it was sunrise, not until I began to smoke slightly. I quickly backed away into the shadows, cursing the sun that kept me away from Buffy.
I was in shock. I refused to believe that the slayer was dead. Sure I had wanted her dead and had tried to do that myself many times in the past, but now it was different. I was in awe of her; she held my respect in a way I would not dare even mention to anyone. I loved her. I truly did. The urge to cry filled me but I kept it at bay as I stared, cowering in the shadows, at her lifeless form. I didn't think she would die in this battle. I had expected her to survive as she somehow always had. I had been prepared to die for her instead. Was about to when I went to rescue Dawn. I had promised Buffy I would take care of Dawn till the end of the world, I didn't realise that she would not be there to help me.
I surrendered to my urge and began to sob like a broken man. Well…as much of a man that I am. The Slayer was dead. She had defied death so many times that I had even given up on the thought of her dying. I ignored the blood oozing through my fingers as I covered my face and cried. I didn't care that that git Xander saw me, I was too upset. But even through this haze of grief my thoughts and unbeating heart went out to the Redhead and the little niblit. They would probably suffer the most.
As I sat there crying, not caring if the sun came up to it's full height, I re-asserted my promise to Buffy. I had promised her I would take care of Dawn, that I would protect her and I would fulfil the promise till I was dust. "I promise Buffy I will let nothing will happen to your sister." I thought firmly. It was a promise I made to a friend. It was promise I made to someone I had loved.
*****
As I finally made it down, I took a sharp breath as I saw Buffy lying there dead. I cried more wretchedly as I watched her everyone come close and stand around her, each looking shocked and dazed. I could not make myself to come any closer. I wanted to touch her, to try and warm her but I couldn't make my feet move. I could only watch in horror and pain, as she lay there unmoving.
Xander was carrying Anya and they looked sad. Xander looked as if for him the world really had ended. Tara just looked confused but still very stricken while Willow was crying silently mouthing Buffy's name. But what surprised me the most was to see Giles and Spike cry. I had never seen any of them cry. But still Giles I could understand but Spike? It was too surreal. He was sobbing, not even noticing the rising sun. I wanted to tell him to move, to get into the shadows but couldn't. My voice wasn't working. I was only thinking of Buffy's last words to her friends. I would have to tell them. I didn't think I could.
As I sank onto the stair crying I wondered who would tell Angel. I was glad mom wasn't here. It would have killed her and I don't think I could have gone through that. I wondered what was to become of me. Who was going to take care of me? But right now none of that really mattered. None of that really bothered me because for me my world had stopped moving, my life had become bleak. For me nothing made sense anymore.
THE END