Love Is Torture
Roger reflects on his love/hate relationship with Mimi.
I sat there on the floor by the bed staring at my lover,Mimi. It hurt me to watch her shiver uncontrollably from her drug withdrawal, but I wanted to
make sure she didn't do anything stupid. It was then that I start reflecting on my relationship with her. I had always considered Our relationship a
love/hate relationship. We had the worst fights, mainly because of her stupid drug abuse. There would be a lot of yelling and Mimi would punch,
hit, and scratch me whenever we would argue and I would try to force her to stop buying and taking the drugs. It took all of my fucking power and
patience not to smack this girl for being so damn stupid. We also had the best and quickest make-ups. I couldn't stay mad at my little Mimi-chica for
too long. All she had to do was bat those long eyelashes of hers, press her soft juicy lips softly against mine, say "forgive me,Roger I love you"
and I would forget everything. I would peer into those big, beautiful, innocent brown eyes of hers and I would be putty in her hands. I swear to
God as I stared at her shivering in my bed with tears flowing from my eyes, all I could do was think about how much I fucking hated her! How could
she be so fucking stupid?Why in the world would she need smack when she has me? Am I not enough? Am I not good enough for her? Doesn't
she even care about me? Hell,I never wanted this relationship. I never wanted ANY relationship! I never wanted to feel this pain. I never wanted
another April. I never wanted to get close to anyone ever again since April passed away and I got AIDS. Then Mimi came along and changed my
life. Dammit,Mimi! Doesn't she care about her best friend ,Angel, who's been with her since childhood and would do anything for her? Doesn't she
care about the rest of the gang who went through hell trying to help me make her stop using? No. She doesn't care. She's so fucking selfish! I
hate her, yet I love her so fucking much. She made me feel love again and taught me how to love again. When we weren't arguing, she made me
smile and laugh. She'd hurt me so bad but at the same time make me feel so fucking good. When she wasn't abusing me, she had the gentlest
touch. Oh, God her touch felt so good. I loved when she would run her fingers through my hair, it would make me shiver. I love holding her. Her
tiny and slim yet curvy figure felt so good in my arms. I love making love to her. Oh, God, her gently kissing my body and me entering her sent the
both of us into orbit. I heard bells ring whenever she would orgasm and whisper into my ear repeatedly "I love you. God,I love you.". Do you really
love me,Mimi? No you don't. Why play with my heart and my emotions? Why leave me out in the cold? It drives me crazy knowing you go to work at
the Catscratch club every night, having other men stare at you and greedily touch you in inappropriate places that only I should touch and kiss. I
swear that I wanted to fuck Benny up when he told me you guys had previously went out together. Why,Mimi,why? Can't you see that I love you?
Can't you see I only want you for myself and no one else? Why do you torture me? Can't you see you are so much better than this? Can't you see
this is breaking my heart? What would your parents think? You are a beautiful person inside and out without smack. I wish you could see this. You
don't know what you're doing to me do you? Dammit,Mimi! You're driving me crazy! Please fight this urge for using because I need you. I want you.
I love you. I swear If I lose you,dammit,I will never love again. As I continued staring at Mimi,I though about that poem she wrote to me. "Roger,
our love is sweet. Our love is enchanting. Our love is joy. Our love is sorrow. Our love is pain. Our love is torture. I love you for ever and always."