A/N: Okay. So, asexuality awareness and stuff, this is for you. For some reason there aren't many Ace!Tony fics with polyamory and this needs to be fixed because the dynamics of such a relationship is something I desperately want to explore... so it seemed like a good enough subject to use to introduce myself into writing for the MCU fandom. I might write more of this verse in the future, who knows.

Dedicated to L&L who would be so happy to see I've finally finished writing SOMETHING. Be proud, ladies.

Anyway, enjoy!

Warnings: Internalized Acephobia, mild panic (no panic attacks though), insecurities, self-hatred... basically Tony being Tony. Also, outing, polyamory, emotional manipulation, ignorance, communication failures.

Summary: In his heart, Tony can't help feeling like he's not enough. He never could be, not to Howard, not to Pepper, not to Steve and Bucky. So that's what it feels like to have so much to lose, Tony thinks dully.

I own nothing.

"She's a really nice girl-"

"Never said she wasn't."

"Then-"

"No."

"But, Tony-"

"Rhodey, no. C'mon, I've told you, I don't want you to set me up."

Rhodey scoffs, flopping onto the couch beside his best friend. "What's with you lately? I haven't seen girls around here for quite some time. It's not like you."

Tony smirks under his breath at that. Yes... of course there were no random girls around the tower lately. Not for him, anyway. Tony Stark's playboy days are over and done with at last, even though no official announcement has been released yet. Who would've thought.

"I just don't want to date anyone, Rhodey. It's not that hard to comprehend." Tony says, rolling his eyes as he pulls his bare feet up onto the soft leather couch and rests them in Rhodes' lap, chuckling at his displeased wince.

"It's not really a date, you know." Rhodes nudges Tony's foot, giving him a sideways glance. "Just a hookup. She knows it, you know it. She doesn't exactly expect you to pull out a ring."

Tony rolls his eyes again and sighs, resting his head back against the couch. This conversation is a total waste of time, and he'd rather Rhodey just dropped it and picked a movie already so Tony could relax and take a nap on his shoulder like he always does on movie nights. Or afternoons, whatever. This is pointless, really. Tony can not and does not want to date other people, or even hook up for one night. Especially not hook up, really. It may still be a secret, but Tony Stark is finally in a rather committed relationship and for once he's actually happy about it.

Dating Steve and Bucky is great. They are great, both of them, better than anything Tony has ever hoped to have. Making a threeway relationship work was a bit awkward at first, but sheer determination and pure love helped them manage. Tony loves this. They are exactly what Tony needs, and so much more. Steve is like a rock, confident and stable and so goddamn nice it makes unicorns look like giant assholes with glitter. Bucky, on the other hand, is rougher. He's so brutally honest and he isn't afraid of telling what's in his heart, compensating for decades of forced silence, and Tony loves that he encourages his two boyfriends to do the same.

Boyfriends. That word makes a pleasant shiver run down Tony's spine. How lucky is he to score not just one, but two Super Soldiers who are willing to call him theirs and are willing to share their lives with him? Each one of them on his own is so much more than Tony had ever thought he deserves, and together they are almost too much, almost overwhelming. Every moment spent with them is precious, and Tony is almost scared to admit to himself that his feelings for those two might be stronger than he's originally expected.

Even so, or maybe, because it's so, the three of them still remain a sweet little secret.

About a week into their fragile and rocky relationship, back when the three of them were still trying to find the right balance and Bucky and Steve still tried to reassure a very insecure Tony that he's not intruding on their already existing relationship and that they want him there with them, they'd decided discretion might do all of them some good, at least until they got used to their experimental threeway relationship. After all, Tony's the only one who's used to the spotlight. He's used to having his life bare for the whole world to see and poke at, used to having no privacy. Steve isn't, though, and Bucky... Bucky definitely isn't. The two Soldiers are still somewhat camera shy and reluctant to share their private lives with the rest of the world, and Tony can't help but envy the way the two still manage to stay quite under the media's radar. So for their sake, Tony says nothing to anyone, even though they ask.

They talk about it, and decide to keep quiet. Still trying to find their place in the new dynamics, neither one of them wishes to have other people stick their noses while they work to fit into their new positions. That's how Tony finds himself, four weeks after his first date with the super Brooklyn boys, sitting on his couch and trying very hard not to straight out tell Rhodey that he had won the jackpot.

"Rhodey, for the last time," Tony sighs and pushes his foot against Rhodes' thigh. "I don't want a hookup. Though I do appreciate the thought." He says dryly.

Rhodey frowns.

"Since when does Tony Stark turn down a hot night with a hot girl?" He asks, a hint of irritation in his voice. "Do you not like sex anymore?"

Tony tenses a little. He draws his feet back, not enough to curl into himself or draw too much attention to the fact he is suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, but enough so that Rhodey looks up at him to see the careful look on his best friend's face.

Dare he say it?

"Actually," Tony says, hesitating. "I never have."

Yes, he dares.

Rhodes' frown deepens. He shifts on the couch a little, turning to look at Tony better.

"What's that?" He asks.

Tony shrugs a little, his fingers tapping a nervous rhythm onto the soft armrest, the only sign of his growing anxiety. Can he really find the courage to admit it? It is Rhodey after all, his best and oldest friend. Rhodey wouldn't judge or reject him if he told him the truth.

"I said," Tony repeats, and his dark brown eyes look straight into Rhodey's, challenging, as if daring him to say something wrong. There goes nothing, he thinks. "I never have. Liked sex, I mean."

Rhodey barks out a laugh.

"Hilarious, Tones." He snickers, reaching out to pat the foot Tony had withdrew from his lap, but pausing when said foot flinches away from his touch, pulling closer to Tony's body. Rhodes looks up, confused, dark eyes meeting a guarded brown pair, hints of hurt and challenge and dread mixing there into a dangerous storm. Rhodey swallows. Okay, this is probably not as funny as he'd thought it to be.

"Don't laugh." Tony says quietly. Rhodey winces inwardly, something akin to guilt slowly rising in his stomach. This is more serious than he'd originally thought. Tony never shies away from humor. "I'm serious. Just, don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing, Tony. I swear." Rhodey is quick to amend, his leg beginning to tap nervously. "Can you explain what you mean, though? I'm not sure I follow."

Tony seems to consider this for a moment, then nods. He takes a slow breath, as if to steel himself, and Rhodes has a feeling he is not going to like a single word. Nothing good ever comes from a serious Tony. A serious Tony usually equals bad shitstorms, in Rhodes' books.

"I... don't like sex." Tony finally says, chancing a glance at Rhodey to see the effect of his words. Rhodey waits, and Tony takes it as a cue to elaborate a little more. "I really, really don't. Never have. I know it's strange, what with me being such a playboy and all, but I really, really really don't."

Rhodey frowns. "So... what are you saying, exactly?" He asks, even though he thinks he already knows the answer, as absurd as it may be.

Tony shrugs. "That I'm asexual."

"Then how exactly- why would you-" Rhodes' frown deepens. "Tony, you're a sex machine. You mean to tell me that all these years-"

"Well, yes." Tony cuts him off, shifting a little uncomfortably on the couch, as if trying to make himself smaller. His fingers move from tapping nervously over the leather, instead going to distractedly fiddle with his pushed up sleeves. "It's the norm, you know?" He shrugs. "When I just started at MIT, I was really young and really stupid. Well, not stupid, I was never stupid, genius me, but, you know what I mean. You know how people treated me back then, before I met you and even after that. None of them liked me very much." He says, and Rhodey nods. Yes. He remembers. He remembers a teenaged Tony Stark walking through the halls, fondly recalling the way he had his little chin held high and had his trademark sunglasses block the vulnerability in his dark brown eyes. He used to be so small - compact, Tony would always reply in protest - and Rhodey still remembers the first time he had punched a guy for calling their youngest and brightest classmate a slut. Because, unfortunately, young Tony Stark had already made a name for himself in that school, already had a terrible reputation and awful rumours surrounding him by the time Rhodey had thought to befriend the lonely rich boy. But Rhodey didn't care about those back then and he still doesn't care now. He likes Tony the way he is, and nothing can change that.

"I remember." Rhodes says quietly. Tony smiles a little, but it vanishes as soon as he speaks again.

"Well... I didn't have any friends there before I met you, and the only people who showed any interest in me had wanted either my body or my money." He chuckles. "I remember mentioning once that I didn't get why people were so worked up about this sex thing, and..." Tony pauses, watching Rhodey's jaw tightens at his words. He knows his friend isn't going like what he's about to say. But he says it anyway. It is time, and he'd already made up his mind. "They laughed, they mocked, and I just wanted them to shut up. And you know me. I only go big or go home, so I went to bed with the first girl that came up to me in the next party, and, well. Things had escalated from there."

"So, let me get this straight." Rhodes says slowly, his voice calm and collected but Tony can see the anger there, bubbling just under the surface. "You started having sex with people even though you didn't want to, just because they told you to?"

"When you say it like that it sounds much worse than it really is." Tony says, making a face. "It wasn't all that bad. Orgasms are nice enough, and it's not like I let people do extreme things to me. I do know when to say no, despite what you might think. And... it seems stupid now, but back then I was so alone, and I just wanted something warm to hold onto, you know? And if to get it I had to do some stuff I didn't like all that much... well, it didn't matter. It was worth it." He shrugs.

Rhodes bristles. "But you never stopped!" He accuses him, dark eyes flashing with anger and worry. "You still do it. Why? What do you have to prove now?"

Tony hesitates, chewing the inside of his cheek. "Well, uh... it's no secret people still don't like me all that much. Reporters and employees and almost everyone I meet keep looking for some dirt on me, that bunch of vultures. So if you want them to leave you alone, you have to give them something to talk about. You see, Rhodey?" Tony grins widely, but the grin is empty and the Colonel's heart clenches. "When you treat it as a chore, like I do, eventually you become really good at it, efficient. You make people feel good, and when people feel good they stop searching for faults. It's all pretty genius, you have to admit."

"Tony..." Rhodey sighs. "I get it. I do. But you have to understand, this thing you do isn't healthy-"

"What isn't healthy?" A rough, lazy voice drawls from somewhere behind Tony, and he turns in his seat and cranes his neck a little to watch his cyborg of a boyfriend saunter into the living room, with Steve following close by. Tony resists a smile at the sight of them, his stomach doing that tiny, awkward flip it seems to do every time he sees them.

The smile is being pushed back though, when Bucky's inquiry registers in his mind. He tries to cover both his excitement at seeing them and the spark of panic that flashes through his veins at the thought of Steve and Bucky joining this particular conversation. Rhodey is already too worked up, he doesn't want him figuring the three of them out yet, and he doesn't want his boyfriends figuring him out just yet. He's not ready.

Oh, but you never will be ready, now, will you? A cruel, familiar voice whispers in the back of his mind, taunting. Because you're a coward, boy. Always the coward.

"Nothing. Rhodey is just being very dramatic." Tony says quickly as Bucky comes to perch on the armrest next to him, ignoring the awful voice as he watches Steve bee-line his way towards the recliner on the other side, almost smiling at the content sigh the blond lets out as he sinks into the soft leather. It's not enough to ease his growing anxiety, though. He can feel bits of panic starting to make his heart beat faster, his mind going a mile a minute in an attempt to find a way to stop his boyfriends from finding out what they were talking about. Rhodey is one thing, coming out to him isn't too hard, and Tony knows he will never throw him away for something like that, never judge him. Steve and Bucky, however, are a whole different matter. The three of them are dating, and not for very long, too. Something like this might be a deal-breaker, and Tony'd rather they didn't know what he really was. Not yet, anyway. Not while he could still hide it like he's been doing all these years.

Rhodes' eyebrow twitches. He seems to have other plans in mind, though, Tony thinks mournfully.

"I am not being dramatic, Tony." He insists firmly. "I'm worried about you."

Steve's head snaps to look at them, his eyes suddenly alarmed and cautious. Tony's heart stops. "Worried?" The blond asks with a furrow of his brow. "Tony, what is he-"

"It's nothing!" Tony exclaims in a desperate attempt to cover for his growing anxiety, throwing his hands up. His sarcastic, dry mask cracks with panic. "Jesus, Rhodey, look at what you just woke up."

"Rhodes, what's going on?" Bucky ignores Tony's strangled groan, looking straight at the Colonel, pale blue eyes narrowed. Rhodey turns a little to look at him better over Tony's head. He knows Tony would be mad at him for telling, but Tony and the two Soldiers seem close enough, and Rhodes needs other people to help him convince Tony that this is wrong, that this self-destructive tendency is unhealthy and dangerous. Tony needs to understand.

He gives Tony an apologetic glance, and looks back at the Winter Soldier with determined eyes. This is for his own good. He thinks, strengthening his resolve.

"This guy-" Rhodes stick a thumb out, pointing at his best friend, trying very hard to ignore his obvious distress. "Is being an absolute idiot. He just told me he's an asexual who forces himself to have sex for the sake of his reputation. He thinks this is okay."

Tony's heart sinks. Well, it's out there now.

"He's a what?" Steve asks with a confused frown, leaning a bit forwards, gaze jumping between the three of them. Bucky's expression mirrors his, and Tony swallows. No point trying to hide this now.

His heart is beating faster with every passing second. They know, they know, they know... and oh God, even though they don't seem to understand yet, Tony knows they won't let this go now. They will find out one way or another, there's no way he can play this off. The least he can do is telling them himself and hope that maybe this way they won't hate him too much. He can't bear the thought of losing them as friends, as well. Not them.

So he takes a deep breath and drops his eyes to his knees, bracing himself for the impact. He can't look at them as he says it. He doesn't want to see the moment that wonderful warmth is replaced with disgust.

"Asexual." Tony says warily then, slowly, his heart thrumming madly against the arc reactor. "That, that means I don't experience sexual attraction." He quotes the words he's heard and read countless of times.

There. He said it. He waits for them to say something, and waits, and waits... but nothing happens for too long a moment and he can't take it anymore, so he looks up, his eyes fluttering over the equal confused expression on his boys' faces, eventually settling on Rhodes' slightly irritated one.

"I don't think they get the difference between attraction and urges, Tones." He tells him with a roll of his eyes, patting his leg a little in encouragement.

"Yeah, yeah, old fashioned, cultural education. I know." Tony breathes, running a hand over his tired face. Bucky nudges him with his knee, humming low when Tony looks up at him over his shoulder.

"Tony, what's going on?" He asks again, softer, and Tony can see concern creasing his beautiful brow. He wants to laugh. Oh, if Bucky only knew. Concern would turn into rage, he's sure. "Tell us."

"I-" Tony sighs again. Damn it, why is this so hard? "I don't- being asexual means, to put it simply, not experiencing sexual attraction." But isn't that just the thing? Tony thinks bitterly to himself. Nothing about this is simple. At least, not when it concerns his relationship with the two most wonderful men Tony has ever had the privilege to meet. "And, as Rhodey said, sexual attraction and sexual urges, or desires, are different things."

"What Tony is trying and failing to make clear," Rhodey, bless his little impatient soul, chooses to intervene in Tony's poor attempt to explain himself. "Is that, yes, there is a difference. Experiencing sexual urges, drives or desires, is not the same as feeling them because of another person. For example, an asexual person who feels sexual urges might show interest in masturbation-" At this, Steve's face turn a few shades darker, and had the situation not been so stressful for him, Tony would have laughed and teased him for this for hours. "-but would not want to have another person help them with that, because for them the thing that causes arousal is not the person." Rhodey continues, oblivious to the Captain's embarrassment. "There's a lot more to it that I'm sure Tony would love to help explaining later, but that's the gist of it, basically. Each person is different, of course, with different preferences and boundaries. And what I've gathered from this idiot here-" Rhodes nods his chin at Tony with a deep frown. "-is that he doesn't want sex at all, and only does it because that's what he's been told that is normal. Which is total bullshit, Tones. Just so you know." He tells him with a scowl.

"Thanks, Rhodey." Tony mumbles begrudgingly, the tips of his ears burning with shame as he stubbornly stares at his bony knees that were showing through his worn out jeans. He could feel their eyes on him, judging, calculating. His heart feels like it's threatening to beat out of his chest. Maybe it will.

So that's what it feels like to have so much to lose, Tony thinks dully, his ears ringing along with his hammering heart.

"-Tony? Tony?" Steve's voice pulls him out of his scattered thoughts, and he blinks, because Steve's voice is suddenly much closer than it should be. Oh, right. There he is, kneeling on the plush gray carpet in front of the couch Tony is curled on.

"I'm sorry." Tony whispers, eyes flicking up to meet Steve's blue ones briefly before going back to stare at his knees. "I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but... really, it doesn't have to change anything," He looks up again, pleading eyes shifting between the two Super Soldiers in growing panic, begging them to understand. "I can still- we don't have to... I'm fine with this-"

"Tony, what are you talking about?" Rhodey cuts in in confusion, frowning at the three. There's obviously something he doesn't know that the three of them do, and it makes him nervous. He can see Bucky's metal fist clenching tightly over his knee, Steve's face still slightly confused but mostly worried, and Tony... Tony looking like a cornered animal, brown eyes swirling with so many emotions Rhodey is sure he can't name half of those. What are they hiding?

"I-I-"

"We, um. Well... we are dating." Steve decides to help, saving Tony from his poor attempt at making excuses. He glanced at Rhodes with a slightly apologetic look before looking back at Tony, distractedly rubbing his knee. "For a while now." He adds, then looks up at Bucky and shrugs. "It's about time we told people."

"You're... what?" Rhodey is staring at them, mouth opening and closing like a fish. "The three of you? Together?"

Tony nods in silence, eyes still watching the other men warily. Rhodey makes a pathetic noise that sounds like something between a whine and a groan, finally realizing that he'd just outed his best friend in front of his oblivious boyfriends.

Damn it, he'd really fucked up there. He'd have to seriously apologize for this later, Rhodey thinks.

"This is not the issue here, though." Bucky says quietly then, and Tony looks up at him, swallowing hard. This is it. They are going to tell him this can't go on, that they can't keep him, not with this... this broken thing inside him.

He can't handle this. For months, he's been watching the two Super Soldiers from afar, admiring them, learning to tolerate their flaws for the sake of their kindness and the comfort in their company. As time went on, the three of them grew closer and closer, and tolerance turned into affection, admiration into love. After a while, slowly, before he could stop and realize what was happening to him, Tony had found himself falling hopelessly and irrecoverably for not one, but both. He'd started watching the way they kissed and laughed and breathed and lived with joy that he couldn't explain. His joy, though, was not complete, as every kiss and every touch had made his stomach in longing. And when the yearning in his heart had become too much to handle, Tony'd started to withdraw from their company bit by bit, more content to watch from a safe distance as they enjoyed their lives than he can ever remember being for someone else. He's wanted them for so long, watching from the sidelines as they never looked his way, but never, never wishing their happiness to cease for his sake.

It'd taken him too long to realize this, but eventually even someone as oblivious as Tony Stark had managed to catch up. This is what truly loving someone feels like, he knows now, and even if they could never be his, it was enough. It should have always been enough.

For a while, Tony had managed to stay away. But then the day came and the two soldiers had come down to his lab and to tell him they wanted him, too. How absurd was that? They looked so sincere, though, their eyes shining with deep affection as they'd asked him to join, said they wanted him to be theirs. So surreal it was, that Tony'd thought his heart would burst out of his chest. It had taken them long to convince him this was not a joke, taken long to make him open up to them and allow them in. It was worth the effort, they tell him every time he withdraws back into himself and apologizes for the things he can't control. They tell him he is worth the effort, worth every struggle and every hardship, because he's wonderful and he's theirs and they never want to let him go. And Tony wants so desperately to believe them.

Yet still, right now... four weeks later, Tony is sure his deepest fears are about to come true.

But he can't lose them, he thinks in despair. He can't. Not now, not for this.

He'd thought he could be happy with them. Maybe. One day.

You would never be happy, That harsh voice that Tony now realizes sounds a little bit like his father's echo in the back of his mind. You don't know how to be.

Yes... he might be right about that.

"Buck, please..." Tony finds himself begging as he forces himself to focus on the situation, his heart in his throat. Bucky's eyes are hard as he stared at him with two troubled grayish blue orbs, and Tony can feel his breath hitch. "It doesn't have to change anything." He insists, desperate, trying to sound confident and lighter than his heavy heart. "I can still do this. I've been doing it all my life, I don't mind- I'm, I'm okay with it, really. Rhodey is just being too dramatic, don't-"

"Tony!" Rhodey snaps loudly, his voice harsh as he leans towards him over Steve's shoulder who is partially blocking his view. Tony's eyes snap to him, wide and startled. "Enough with this shit." Rhodes orders, stressing his words, his expression leaving no room for argument, but Tony still pushes. He always pushes.

"Tony." Steve's voice is firm, but his eyes when Tony meets them are pained, his mouth set in a thin line as if he's trying hard to contain his emotions. "Stop. This is not right."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Bucky asks, his tone just as heavy and tired as Steve's. Tony doesn't know what to say. He hates that he's the one who'd put those expressions on their faces.

"I-"

"Don't you trust us?"

Tony pales. What? No-!

"Of course I do-"

"Then why?"

"Steve-" Tony's voice catches, and he closes his mouth, brow furrowing in an attempt to keep the panic from taking over him. "I- I..."

"What are ya afraid of, doll?" Bucky whispers as he leans down a little, his face inches away from Tony's, open and bare with fear and concern for the anxious man. Tony shudders.

"I'm not afraid," He denies weakly. Bucky closes his eyes.

"Of course you're not." Rhodey comments dryly. "Tony, you're terrified. I know what this is. You always do that, with your self-sacrificing shit. It's because you're scared they'll leave you, isn't it?"

Spot on. Howard's voice says in his head. Once a coward, always a coward.

A tiny whine gets stuck in his throat. All eyes are on him now, intense and imploring, unyielding. There is nowhere to run, and everything to lose, and he just wants this damned voice to shut up, shut up...!

Tony is terrified.

"Tony, no. No." Steve sounds wounded, his hands coming up to clasp Tony's, and Bucky leans even closer, his breathing picking up a little in distress.

"We would never, doll." Bucky swears, his voice thick. "Never. Not for that, and not for anythin'."

"What will it take for you to realize we love you?" Steve asks, expressive blue eyes searching the other's. Tony locks his gaze with Steve's, and he can't speak. He feels like he is drowning, and Steve's touch on his hands, Bucky's warm breath tingling over his ear... they ground him, just a little, just enough so he can process their words.

Dare he hope...?

"But I'm... I'm broken." Tony finally finds his voice. He knows, logically and socially, that he shouldn't feel like this. Always the social butterfly, he makes sure to stay up to date with all the new movements and organizations, and he knows the things he feels are legitimate. That asexuality is real, that it's okay to be one, that there is nothing wrong with him for being that. He knows it in his mind, and he will fight for rights and for recognition as any other minority because they all deserve recognition. But in his heart, Tony can't help feeling like he's not enough. He never could be, not to Howard, not to Pepper, not to Steve and Bucky. He can't be, will never be. He feels like a broken toy inside, like he has all the right parts, but still misses that one little key that could make him move.

But he can pretend. Tony's good at pretending, good at making people distracted enough that they don't see beyond his perfectly executed act. He's been doing it his whole life, he's learned to live with it and handle it and he can have sex if he needs to the same way he can fake interest during the SI meetings Pepper forces him to attend. He can. He doesn't have to lose them, if only they could understand this isn't such a big deal for him-

"No, Tony. Jesus, no." Steve's eyes fill with moisture, and his hands tighten their hold over Tony's that it almost hurts, tearing him out of his desperate thoughts. "You're not. You can't say things like that-"

"You can't even think 'em." Bucky adds firmly, but his eyes are soft and he tugs Tony a bit backwards so he could press the side of his head against Bucky's hip. "You're not allowed to."

"But-"

"No." Rhodes says firmly. "They are right, and you know it. Get it through your thick skull, Stark. It's okay to be who you are. It wouldn't change any of our feelings for you. Look at them - they still love you, it's almost disgusting."

Rhodey's remark feels so out of place in this overly emotional setting, Tony can't help it. He laughs then, wild and borderline hysterical, and if his laugh sounds a little wet, no one comments on it.

"Alright." He says when he calms down enough, staring at his two boys with what he hopes look like conviction and trust. "If you insist... I still don't know why you aren't mad, though, but... I believe you." Or, he will. Maybe. One day. But for now just knowing they won't kick him out is enough for him. He can survive with that.

Maybe they can be his last, final chance at happiness, after all.

Later that evening, after the movie is over and dinner is done and everyone say their goodnights before heading towards their respective floors, Steve and Bucky escort Tony to his own and stay.

They take him by the hand and lead him to the large bed and climb in with him, wrapping him in a cocoon of warmth and comfort. He's in the middle, lying between them, and they are so close but still, they won't touch him. They stay close enough that he can feel their breath over his skin, but they don't touch, their hands pressed into the mattress inches from his shoulders, as if tempted. They stare at him in silence for a while, two pairs of blue eyes - one the color of calm water, the other like the stormy skies - watch him quietly, love shining in both of them. Yes, this really is love, Tony knows. He recognizes it for what it is, and the realization makes his heart stop and his breath catch in his throat with its intensity.

Does this make him happy?

He doesn't know yet.

Because within that love he can still see doubt and hesitation shining clear. He can see worry, he can see fear, and distance, and something else he can not name, all of their emotions translating into the almost-touch, so close yet still, not quite there.

It is mere seconds from becoming too much for Tony to take, and he's trying, trying to gather the courage to say something, to relieve the pressure that threaten to overwhelm him, when Steve opens his mouth and his train of thought is lost in the blue of his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Tony stays silent for a few long moments. He isn't sure what to say. He knows why he'd kept this a secret, but should they? Should he tell them the truth? Is he even capable of baring his heart to them? He's not a fool, he's aware of the fact that they already know the reason, thanks to Rhodey. But he also knows they would want to hear it from him, want him to explain and share this with them like he should have always been able to. The real question he asks himself then is, should he risk everything for them?

He looks into their eyes, back and forth, seeing them watching him with so much trust and pain that he realizes, there isn't any question there at all. He's scared, yes, and frightened, and he knows the truth could result in dire consequences - for him, mostly, and isn't he a perfectly selfish coward? Yet still, Tony trusts them back, more so than anyone else. They give him the courage to prove Howard wrong, every day, and he knows in his heart they're worth every risk he could ever take.

So he jumps.

"I was scared." The words that leave his lips are nothing more than a whisper, and he tries for more but fails, his voice refusing to rise, cowering with him. "I thought... I think-" He amends, clearing his throat. Because he's telling the truth now, and the truth is that he still fears they would get up and leave when they realize the gravity of what and who he is. They deserve to hear it, though, regardless of his own worries. "-that you would leave. I... still wait for it to happen, even though you said- because, why, why would you stay, I don't understand it. I'm broken, useless to you."

"You're not, darlin'. We've told you you're not. God," Bucky whispers, and he sounds almost desperate, his fingers twitching beside his head as if he barely resists the urge to reach out and touch Tony. "This isn't about you being useful to us. Love doesn't work this way. Why won't you believe us when we say we love ya just the way you're now?"

"I..." Tony sighs, closing his eyes in pain. The words pierce his heart, and he wants to believe them so badly it's almost too much for his poor, failing heart. "I can't give you what you need. Or, I can... but you will always know it's fake. That's, that's the reason I've never told Pepper. If she ever found out how much I hated it when she coaxed me into having sex with her, she'd die of guilt. I couldn't do that to her, and I can't - I won't - do that to you, too. I can't. This is not right. But... but I know that not doing so would eventually lead to you leaving, and I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you, you two are everything-" His voice cracks, and he shakes his head, closed eyelids fluttering against the sting behind them. When he speaks again, his voice is steady and resigned. "I don't know why you say it's okay. It's not, I know it's not."

His eyes sting, and prickle. Tony can feel the wetness starting to form in the corners of his eyes but he fights it back bravely and when it's gone, he opens them again to see the two faces he loves the most stare at him from above.

"Tony," Steve whispers. The fingers of his free hand are hovering just over Tony's cheek, still not touching, but close enough that he can feel their radiating warmth over his skin. "We love you. We want you, more than you'll ever know. You are ours for as long as you will have us and we would never, never leave. You never were 'not enough', and you never will be." He says, intense blue eyes searching Tony's for understanding. "You're so much more to us than just enough, sweetheart."

"We want you the way you are, flaws and quirks and all." Bucky adds, too, and Tony can feel the metal of his fingers caress his palm, and sighs in relief. Their reluctance to touch him affects him more than he can ever admit. He's so ashamed for needing their warmth.

"Just like that?" He asks quietly, not able to believe this is real. He waits, so sure this is nothing but a dream and he's just about to brutally wake up. But when Bucky nods and smiles at him that tiny, goofy, half smile of his, Tony knows this couldn't be a dream. They never smile like this in his dreams.

"Just like that." Steve repeats with a smile of his own.

Tony closes his eyes again, shuts them tight, and laughs in disbelief. It's a little wet and a little shaky, but when it passes he opens his eyes to look at them, reaching out both of his hands to touch. Fingertips brush over the line of Steve's jaw as if in awe, his other hand pushing back the long strands of Bucky's chocolate colored hair that are falling over his eyes in a way Tony had always thought was adorable. They watch him silently, their smiles gentle and soft, and then Steve whispers,

"Can we kiss you?"

Tony stops. Brown eyes locking onto blue. He frowns a little, his lips twitching in a hesitant smirk, somewhat doubtful.

"I thought a month should be long enough to make it clear that you two can kiss me for as long as you'd like." He says in strained amusement. "You never had to ask before. Why now?"

Steve swallows, leaning his head into Tony's stilted touch. "Because now it's different." He whispers, and because he knows now he can touch, he does. He cups Tony's face in his own ridiculously huge hand, thumb rubbing the sleek hairs of his beard. "Because now we know."

"And we will never try for more than you feel comfortable to give us, doll." Bucky says, and buries his face in Tony's hair for a moment, breathing in the familiar scent of expensive soap and motor oil. When he withdraws, he smiles at him that awkward, boyish smile that makes Tony wish he could freeze time, and says, "Tell us your boundaries."

Tony pauses. He stares at Bucky silently, the seconds stretching torturously before he finally reacts, frowning and sitting up to lean against the headboard. The two Soldiers quickly follow, pushing up from their propped up positions along with him to sit in a small, threeway circle on the bed. They watch each other silently for a long moment, and Tony's mind is reeling, his thoughts swirling together and chasing one another in his head, never stopping. What should he make of this? Were they serious? Are they honest?

Of course they are, He scolds himself. Never doubt them. All you need for proof is look at them and see it shining through for him.

If that's so, should he be honest too? Tell them every little thing that he can't do for them without faking, without lying and without pretending, be as true as they wish him to be?

He's so used to hiding behind masks. It's been his safe place for years, and he knows he's good at this. It's so hard to let it go. But then again, Tony thinks as he stares at the two massive men with the most gentle eyes who sit in front of him, perhaps it's time to let someone see what he's like behind his comfortable masks, as ugly a sight as that may be.

He looks at them silently, waiting. They look so nervous and awkward sitting like this, he notices. Like two overgrown schoolboys. Tony resists a fond snort of laughter at the sight because he knows it'd embarrass them, reminded of old teen movies he'd once watched about sleepovers and conversations about boys that would last long into the night. Come to think of it, this, them like that, is exactly what it was. Tony actually snickers then, waving a hand at their mildly confused faces. Maybe later Bucky would let him braid his hair.

"Are you sure?" Tony eventually asks, breaking the silence. They startle for a split second, but then they nod in unison, as if practiced, waiting for him to speak. He sighs heavily, and leans back against the headboard, drawing his knees up and studying them as he steels himself. "Well then..."

He talks for what feels like hours. He talks and talks, and never once do they stop him or ask him questions, never once looking like they might not be fully comfortable with what he tells them. They let him pour it all out, let him tell them everything he can and they listen intently, their hands finding his from time to time, squeezing whenever one of the hard parts comes along.

He tells them what he likes, what he tolerates, and what makes his skin crawl with disgust. Kisses are more than welcome, he says with a tiny smile. Touches, too, as long as they are innocent enough. He loves being held, loves cuddles and loves the feeling of their skin pressed against his. He's okay with watching, if they wish him to, and he tells them that helping with his hands only might be fine after a while, after he gets more comfortable. They'd wanted his truth, so he tells them how he doesn't want to be touched himself by them or by anyone else down there, and doesn't want things to get too wet too quickly when he's physically involved. He tells them it's fine though, and that he can still join in if they really ask him to, but the looks they give him make it clear that they would never, and it makes a warm feeling spread inside his chest. He really is ridiculously gone for these boys, isn't he.

After a while, his words become yawns, and their soft kisses become quiet chuckles as they push him back down and wrap him in their arms. He snuggles into their warmth and tucks his head into the dip of Steve's shoulder as the blond throws a heavy blanket over the three of them, pulling Bucky's flesh arm to rest over his waist. Both of them feel so right around him, and Tony can't help but think of what Steve had told them one night, as he cradled both brunets and pressed them into his sides, sandwiching himself between the two of them.

"Peggy would've been glad... I think, I've finally found the right partners for me."

Here, lovingly held in their arms, Tony thinks that yes... Steve's right. They are the right partners for him indeed. He loves them, and for the first time in his life he think he might be worthy enough to have them love him back, and he isn't afraid to say it anymore. They feel so warm around him, and safe, and the soft sound of their breaths drowns Howard's voice out and make it fade away, leaving him and his own thoughts in blessed silence. And as he sinks slowly into sleep to the sound of their slowing breaths, Tony thinks... maybe he had finally found his place in this world.

Is he happy? He asks himself then.

Tony smiles.

Yes.

A/N: Ok, so I'm really, really tempted to turn this into a series of oneshots and drabbles in the same verse, and I'm thinking, what about prompts? Feel free to suggest stuff in the comment section, I'd love to hear your ideas.