A Thousand Papercuts
Summary: Sometimes the smallest, most insignificant things can hurt the most.
When Jee Han gets his ass in trouble again, Sun-Il doesn't hesitate a moment and rushes to save him.
And Sun-Il sometimes forgets that Jee Han is way more skilled than he is, his powers more than enough to fend himself from most of the world, and he doesn't actually need Sun-Il to be around all the time like he used to.
That was enough to stop Sun-Il in his steps, and he rethinks his choice. The person Jee Han was facing off probably exceeded Sun-Il's capabilities to handle – and surely, Jee Han had so many powerful allies. They would be able to protect and aid Jee Han. There was no need for Sun-Il to actually head down.
Sometimes, Sun-Il berates himself for being weak when it wasn't his fault at all.
But really, he just worries so much for Jee Han. The Gamer- whatever he calls himself – he's not invincible. Sun-Il can't forget the number of times that he had to patch Jee Han up, and the number of times that he wanted to just cuddle him and tell him not to go, not to hurt himself. The number of times that Sun-Il looks upon his friend's sleeping face and allows his feelings to just seep through. He would run his hand through Jee Han's hair, ruffling it a bit, and it brings on a tight feeling in his chest to know that Jee Han would never know any of – this.
Not the hair ruffling, not the constant worry Sun-Il has for Jee Han, nor how the boy always had Jee Han at the front of his mind, placing him irrationally before all his other priorities.
It was the emotions that he had difficulty attempting to disguise behind the mask of an overly-concerned best friend.
He supposed it just happened, and he's never looked back. Painful as it was for Sun-Il to constantly conceal his emotions around Jee Han, the other boy never interpreted it further. Never saw anything more in his actions and words than what was on the surface – because that was how much Jee Han actually trusted Sun-Il for him to take his words as they were.
It wasn't that Jee Han was any stupid, he's raised his INT so much that Sun-Il's amazed his head hasn't exploded from the sudden increase in intelligence, but the boy invested so much trust in Sun-Il that he saw no need for him to interpret Sun-Il's actions in no other way but 'just being Sun-Il'.
To Jee Han, it was probably very much 'like Sun-Il' to worry over Jee Han, to nag him and tell him that it was dangerous, and he should back off. Sun-Il sighs every single time he tries to convince his friend, knowing that he never heeds those words, constantly going in head first into dangerous situations.
After repeated trials and tribulations, Sun-Il has finally come to the realisation that he's taught Jee Han almost everything he could, and Jee Han can finally stand against people much, much stronger than he was. And Jee Han rarely came back hurt anymore – sometimes he did, but the majority could never injure 'The Gamer' even if they tried.
This leaves Sun-Il troubled. More fearful than troubled. But he knows it's dumb and paranoid to think that Jee Han would leave him and their long friendship behind once he's learnt whatever he could from Sun-Il, but it doesn't stop himself from panicking and thinking of the worst.
Or, sometimes, it wasn't that that Sun-Il was afraid of.
Sun-Il knew that Jee Han definitely wouldn't leave him because he couldn't learn anything from him anymore. (He just made up some excuse to cover up the actual reason, because he was too scared to face the consequences, even the ones made up in his own mind, that wasn't reality)
What he was more fearful of was if Jee Han realised that Sun-Il didn't just like him.
He loved him. Not as a friend, but in hopes of something more.
It was a ridiculous notion and emotion. Sun-Il himself can't seem to comprehend it either, although he's been living with this feeling since a while back.
That's what hurts him the most – the thought that he would one day make a small slip and Jee Han would find out, would look at him with disgust, would just cut off all ties with him.
Sun-Il could conjure up the image of the face of distaste his best friend would make, body language closed off, backing away from him. Nothing to signify acceptance or forgiveness, but simply leaving with revulsion written all over.
He doesn't know what made him paint such a negative picture of his friend. Jee Han was a supportive and positive friend, and would be perfectly understanding of him being anything else but straight. Except if he knew that the object of Sun-Il's affections was – was Jee Han.
Jee Han soon comes back and drapes himself all over Sun-Il, and Sun-Il doesn't know if he should be relieved that nothing major happened, or that he didn't have the opportunity to show those sentiments of his by watching over Jee Han.
Deep within him, could feel some sense of resignation, knowing that it simply wasn't possible for Jee Han to return any of his romantic feelings to him.
Such a small thing, a small emotion, but yet it seemed to drag long, shallow wounds across his skin and heart and mind, slicing open his flesh but not yet bleeding -
Hurts so damn much Sun-Il sometimes forgets it's just a purely psychological form of pain.