Band: Simple Plan
Song: I'd do anything
Notes: hoo-boy. This isn't going to be easy. I wish I could leave well enough alone but this story has been nipping at me for the longest time. Sometimes, you just can't ignore something any longer. I'd highly recommend that people read Storm Break pt. 1 before this one. I wrote it first and I wrote this one under the assumption that people had read the other one first. Oh well, here we go. This is Cloud's story, the day he leaves Tifa behind in Kalm to go find Aeris, wherever she is. Some people won't like what I have to say. I'm one of those rare "pro-Tifa" people. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm anti-Aeris. . . Well, you'd have to read the fic to get it.
Storm Break (pt. 2)
Cloud sat alone on the couch. It was one of those rare nights where the air is thick with the taste of rain. Somehow, instead of dampening the feel of the night, it made it seem that much more real, more vivid, more alive. The air tingled with the power of the approaching storm, coming to sweep the world clean. He got up and walked to the window. It would be as good a night as any.
*Another day is going by*
He had spent all day preparing. Well, not so much as preparing as procrastinating and then preparing in tiny spurts to make up for his procrastination but he had managed. His things, such as they were, were tucked away secretly in a dusty, discrete box on the bottom shelf in the pantry. Tifa had never noticed a thing. Food, clothes, money, it was all ready. Cloud had spent so long thinking about leaving that it seemed strange to finally be going. All day, he had moved about in a sort of stunned stupor. He couldn't put it off any longer though. Thank God Tifa hadn't been home today. She would have seen right through him. She always seemed to manage that.
*I'm thinking about you all the time*
Cloud shook his head sadly. Ah, Tifa. She wouldn't understand this. Well. . . perhaps she would but that didn't make it any easier. He knew she saw more than he thought she did. Cloud had caught Tifa staring at him, sometimes, a sad, thoughtful expression on her face. Oh, she knew. She knew why, some days, his mind wandered to places it shouldn't tread. She knew why he sometimes stared off at the horizon, just looking. Wondering. She knew why he'd get up in the morning, dark circles under his eyes, because he had not slept at all. Yes, she knew only too well. He had tried. Really, he had but he just couldn't put Aeris out of his mind. Sometimes, he'd forget that she was gone, just long enough to make it seem real but then reality would come crashing in and he'd go tumbling down. Aeris. One part of him thought she truly was gone but the other. . . well, maybe he was just crazy but he couldn't stand not knowing any longer.
*But you're out there and I'm here waiting*
Cloud had come to that decision a long time ago. He couldn't stand not knowing. He had to go. But. . . there was always a but. It was Tifa, really. It wasn't her fault. She didn't mean to keep him here. She never said a word but he knew she needed him. And he needed her. So he stayed. The days had turned into weeks, and the weeks into months until three of them had rolled by. Three months spent puttering around in a "normal" life in Kalm. Three months past the point where the world almost ended. Almost. Maybe that would have been easier. Well, for him at least. Life is such a trial. There's no such thing as easy answers. So he stayed, delaying. Waiting. For what, he didn't know but tonight, he had made his decision. He needed to find her. He had felt her there, in the Crater. His mind kept screaming that she was dead but his heart. Cloud had learnt a long time ago that a person couldn't always trust the mind. Memories lie as easily as people do. Maybe she didn't die. Or, if she did, maybe, despite everything that the world has ever said about death and dieing, he really could find her. Help her. Save her. The way he. . .
*And I wrote this letter in my head because so many things were left
unsaid*
It wasn't fair. He had just stood there. He had never even moved. Sephiroth had fallen from the sky to take her away from him and he had never even moved! Life shouldn't be like that. People should never have to stand by and watch their world to turn dust around them. All the moments they could have had, all the laughter they could have shared, all the words they could have said, dust on the wind. God willing, maybe now there was a chance. He had the right to reach for that chance, didn't he?
*But now you're gone and I can't think straight*t
God, he was so tired of all this! It would be so easy just to leave. If only he didn't care about the consequences. If only he could forget about Tifa. Tifa, waking up the next morning. Tifa, crying. But what could he do? He couldn't take her with him. She had a life here, a good one. He had taken her away from that once and he wouldn't do it again. So what, leave a note? *Sorry Tifa. I just really gotta go. You know how it is. Cloud.* ? Yeah, right. But, God! It was like he had been walking in this haze since Aeris had gone. For a while, all there was this overpowering need to finish it, to settle the score. Almost, he had been able to believe that once it was over, she'd be there, to smile at him that way she had always done. After the Crater though, he had realized that it would never be over. Not for him. Not without her.
*This could be the one last chance to make you understand*
No, it would never be over, not when there was so much left unsaid, so many questions unasked, so many truths left untold. He couldn't go on living like this. He couldn't stand the horrible "what ifs" buzzing about his head. He hated the dull sadness that would grip him. Worst of all, he hated that feeling of being incomplete. He had to finish this. He had to see her again. He needed to talk to her, to, to. . . he wasn't quite sure what he needed. He only knew, beyond all conceivable reason, that he would never be able to continue on if he never saw her again.
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
God, it was hard though. He didn't just miss Aeris; he ached for her in every part of him. There was nothing he wouldn't give to see her again. Some nights, he'd dream about her and she run up to him, smiling the way she had, and open her arms wide to him. When he tried to reach her though, his arms would slip right through hers. Every time, he knew it would happen, but every time he tried again, hoping beyond all hope, that this time, he'd be able to hold her again. It never happened. He'd wake up in the morning, feeling empty. It was like losing her all over again.
*To try to make you laugh*
She had had such a special way about her. Aeris had had this illuminating personality that could make the darkest, most horrible times lighter, somehow. She had drawn people to her without even trying. Her easy smile and her quiet bravery had always been something he could hold on to. Cloud wished he had taken the time to treasure every one of those smiles, every one of her musical laughs, they way they had deserved to be treasured. More than anything, he wanted to see her happy again.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
Perhaps it was foolish. She was dead and gone. Wasn't she? He had watched her float away from him, that day. That was the end, wasn't it? Then why did it feel like there should be more? Why did it feel like she had never left him? He had felt her there, at the Crater. It sounded crazy, but in that moment, he had felt her all around him. He had tried to reach out to her but.
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
What did it all mean? Maybe it hadn't meant anything. Maybe he had been hallucinating. There had been so much energy in that place and he knew from experience what exposure to the Lifestream could do to people. But still. . . he wanted so much. He needed to see her again. The world seemed a smaller, colder place without her. Every time he woke up, before he opened his eyes, he hoped that the world as he knew it was the real dream. Maybe it was all just a bad dream. Maybe, when he opened his eyes, she'd be sitting there and she'd smile the way she always had and he'd know that everything was all right after all.
*Will you remember me? Because I know I won't forget you*
Heh, and maybe he'd sprout feathers and turn into a chocobo. Still, that nagging hope never left him. All the logic in the world couldn't save him. There was really only one thing left for him to do. He had put this off for far too long. Dimly, Cloud heard the rain begin to fall. *Wait for me a little longer Aeris. I'm coming.*
He pulled on his cloak and headed for the door. He threw it open and looked out to the rain drenched town square. Then, he paused. He heard a small sound, almost a moan, behind him. The world stopped moving. *Oh no*, Cloud thought to himself. *Tifa*.
*Together we broke all the rules, dreaming of dropping out of school*
Cloud turned ever so slowly. He could hear every raindrop with perfect precision and their tiny deaths resounded throughout the room. Tifa slumped down against the wall as if she had lost all of her strength. He couldn't help but look at her. She stared at him hungrily, as if afraid to take her eyes from him. Cloud couldn't move, couldn't speak. Memories of all the times he had been with her flashed past his eyes. The night at the well. The reactor. The Lifestream. That last night on the Crater. Tifa had always been there for him, for as long as he could remember. Together, they had fought things greater and more powerful than themselves. How long had it been since that night at the well? It seemed another lifetime now. He had kept that promise, hadn't he? So why did she look at him now like he had betrayed everything she had ever believed in?
*And leave this place to never come back*
Didn't she see why he had to go? Why couldn't she understand? How could she possibly know what it's like? It was eating him away inside. All the words he had never said, all the things he could have done, all the horrid what ifs that tormented him! He had to know and he couldn't find the answers that he needed here. He had to go. Why couldn't she understand? Why did she just stand there, half dead, without taking her eyes off him? In that gaze, Cloud was powerless to move. They both just stayed there, motionless, like statues that stood sentry as their entire ancient world was ground to dust before their eyes.
*So now, maybe after all these years, if you miss me have no fear*
How long had it been since Nibleheim? Since Midgar? It seemed another life now. Something of him, so integral to his person, had died right beside her so that afterwards he had felt like only half a man. For a while, there had only been that cold determination and now even that was gone. Why couldn't Tifa understand? He needed to find himself again and the answers he needed weren't here. He wanted so much to tell her but he couldn't break the silence.
Cloud watched as Tifa drew and shuddering breath and pushed herself ever so slowly from the wall. She drew a shaking hand through her hair and started walking haltingly towards him.
*I'll be here, I'll be waiting*
Then, suddenly, she was there, looking up to him with those deep brown eyes. Cloud realized then that she couldn't talk either. All she could do was look up at him and hope he understood. And he did. Oh God, he did. He was killing her. Slowly but surely, he was killing her. He wanted to ask her, why did she care so much? Why had she always stayed with him? Why couldn't she just let him go? He looked down at her and watched as the tears formed in her eyes. He wanted to brush them away but he was frozen. There was so much pain there. Fear and pain and. . . something else. It hit him so suddenly, so brutally, he was amazed he didn't collapse. He just stood there frozen. He felt her take his hand in hers. Slowly, he drew her close to him. Her head rested pillowed against him and, with his free hand, he stroked her soft brown hair. It was all too much for him. The brutal honesty that. . . Maybe he had always known. Maybe he had known for so long that he had forgotten. There it had stayed, unnoticed, waiting in some tiny crevice of their hearts, before it could be known again. *Oh Tifa. . .*
*This could be the one last chance to make you understand*
Cloud felt a tiny shudder run through her and he held her tighter. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to be afraid. He wanted so much to talk to her, to tell her so many things, to explain himself, but it was if he had never had a voice at all. All he could was hold her and hope that she could understand.
*And I just can't let you leave me once again*
When would it be enough? He had given up so much for everybody else. They all had. When would he ever be happy? Why couldn't he just stay here? He wanted to, oh so desperately. She was here and he was here and why couldn't they just be happy? Now that he. . . he understood now and he wanted to stay, to figure things out. But he had to go. But he wanted to stay. *Tifa, why didn't you. . . Oh Tifa, I'm so sorry.*
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
He just held her, revealing in the contact. Cloud closed his eyes and listened to her breathing. He could feel her heart pounding against his chest. He felt a strange peace, then. Ever since Aeris had died, he had felt so incomplete but now, in this moment, he felt whole again. If only he could stay with her forever. If only he could just surrender to this moment, here and now. If only he could put away all those haunting memories and live only in this instant, forever. He would have given anything to have that freedom.
*To try to make you laugh*
Tifa was. . . very special to him. She was someone he could always count on. She was always there, unlooked for, offering her help. Even when she had felt like giving up, she had always hung on. Maybe it had been for him; he didn't know. What had he done to earn that impossible loyalty? All those times she had helped him find himself again and all the difficulties she had endured for him. . . Why? He wanted so desperately to make it all up to her. He wanted to see her smile and laugh and to hear her tell him that everything was okay. Instead, he was leaving and it was killing her.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
Why couldn't he just walk away? He could just leave and close the door on this place forever. He had a right to, didn't he? But still. . . Tifa had always been there for him. Barret had told him once that, when he had been sick, she had left the others just to stay with him. She had said that, no matter what happened, she wouldn't abandon him. How could he abandon her now?
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
More than anything, Cloud wanted to stay here, with her. He could be happy here, he knew. Somehow, he knew, that if he stayed, they would be happy. If he could leave the past behind him, he could stay with Tifa and have his happily ever after. But. . . what if Aeris was waiting for him? What if, by staying, he failed her again? What if she waited forever and he never came? How could he do that to her?
Cloud looked down at Tifa and said her name quietly. She was so lost in the moment that she didn't hear him. He tried again, a little louder, and she nodded against his chest. She didn't have the strength to talk but she would listen.
"Tifa," his voice rasped. "I, I have to go." He felt her gasp against him. She was trying so hard not to cry.
"She's out there, somewhere, and I, I have to find her."
". . .I know. . ." Tifa's voice was so quiet, Cloud thought he might have imagined it. Then, she looked up at him, and smiled. The light hit her eyes just the way he remembered and she spoke again.
"I know Cloud. I understand. We have to find her. Let's do it. . . together." Tifa darted away from him and paused at the steps.
"Wait there! I have to get my things."
*Will you remember me? Because I know I won't forget you*
He stood there absolutely stunned. She understood? Cloud shook his head. He didn't deserve her. He had done so much to hurt her and yet. . . she understood? The spell her presence had had on him was broken. He looked about the room. It seemed smaller, somehow. Greyer. The rain was still coming down outside, he could see it through the open door. . . Cloud shook his head again. She was throwing her life away again for him. She was coming because she thought he needed her. Well, he did but he wasn't going to let her do it this time. It wasn't fair to her. Just because he couldn't forget the past didn't mean he had to hold her back too. Cloud drew up his hood and headed out the door. Dimly, as he left, he wondered what she'd think when she found him gone. He hoped she'd just forget about him and move on with her life. He knew he wouldn't forget her but he could live with that. He would have to.
*I close my eyes, and all I see is you*
Cloud closed his eyes and crossed the threshold. The rain fell down over him and consumed him. It dripped down him in rivers, its cold caresses chilling him. He felt numb. It was all so surreal. He looked back through the doorway. The house looked so empty now. It was as if he had never been there. He felt like a ghost haunting some lost place after all those who had loved him were dead and no one was left to remember him. There was someone for him though. It wasn't too late. He could walk back in. He could go back. He could. . . Aeris' face swam before his eyes. She needed him now. Cloud couldn't, wouldn't let her down. He turned his back to the house and headed down the front steps.
*I close my eyes, I try to sleep but I can't forget you*
He walked out back to the stable behind the house. The sleeping chocobo started a little when Cloud spoke softly to him. He warked quietly as Cloud set his bridle and saddle on. When he led the great animal out into the rain, he warked again, in protest this time. Cloud smiled sadly at the bird.
"I know boy, but we've gotta go now." When he reached the front of the house again, Cloud couldn't help but pause again. Maybe he could. . . no, he knew what would happen. He'd go inside, call it off, apologize to Tifa. . . and then when he fell asleep, he would be haunted by Aeris. Aeris, crying out for him. Aeris, alone and abandoned forever. . . No, he couldn't go back. He mounted the chocobo and put his heels to the bird's ribs. He warked again before he darted off at a run.
*I'd do anything for you*
The chocobo whizzed through the streets. Cloud knew it was dangerous running like this in the rain but he had to get away from the house. He felt so ashamed. He was leaving Tifa, again. Would she ever understand? Could she? *Oh Aeris, I'm coming. God help me, I'm coming.*
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
The chocobo's feet pounded against the pavement. The rain and the bird's footfalls were the only sounds in the abandoned street. Cloud's feeling of detachment grew as he speed through Kalm's streets, alone. He felt as if these three months he had spent here with Tifa had never existed. When the storm breaks, the momentary calm before it is always forgotten. All those days and nights he had spent with Tifa, they were fading. At this moment, he wanted to run back to their home, to rush up to her, to stop the tears he knew she would be shedding. . . but he also wanted to find Aeris, no matter the cost. Vaguely, he wondered if Tifa would ever forgive him. Above him, the rain kept falling.
*To try to make you laugh*
God, he had never wanted to hurt anyone. Tifa, Aeris, how much had they suffered because of him? How could he ever make it up to either of them? He just wanted them to be happy. He wanted. . . heh, maybe he really was crazy after all.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
There had to be some reason for this. There had to be a reason for what he had seen. There just had to be! He couldn't bear the thought of leaving Tifa over some. . . hallucination! God help him, he really was a fool.
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
Well, perhaps he was a fool but that really didn't change anything. He would find his answers. He had to. One way or another, he would find them. Either he would find Aeris and they would spend the rest of their days together or. . . No, there was no or. There couldn't be an or. She had to be there. Didn't she?
*I'd do anything to fall asleep with you*
He'd give anything for that fairy tale ending. Life wasn't like the great stories though. Who ever found their happy ending? Who was he to stand alone against the pessimism of the world? This was the world, Cloud thought glumly as he looked at the rain-drenched streets. It's a cold and lonely place, full of pain and treachery. A memory flashed before his eyes; a smiling, green eyes girl, offering him a flower. Then, that very same girl, looking down at him, torn between smiling at him and fretting over her blossoms. Finally, a perfect night spent together in a perfect place without a care in the world. Yes, it was a dark, twisted world full of bright shots of beauty and harmony and peace that are just too wonderful to be conveyed by words.
*I'd do anything; there's nothing I won't do*
Cloud wanted so much to feel that way again. He craved that simple happiness she had always created in him. He wanted to feel that simple affection that could have been so much more. She haunted his days and his nights. He was tormented by those bittersweet memories. There was nothing he wouldn't give, wouldn't sacrifice, for one more night with her. Just one night, that's all he asked. Just one.
*I'd do anything, to fall asleep with you*
As he reached the town's gates, he remembered another night, a quieter night, spent under the stars and a promise given. They had been so young then, both of them. They had known nothing of the world and its monsters. He wanted so much to hold to that promise now. He knew that she needed him now. He knew it but. . .
Cloud urged his chocobo on. He knew he was running but there really was nothing else he could do.
I'd do anything, because I know I won't forget you
Cloud stopped the chocobo when he reached the rise of a hill looking down on Kalm. Slowly, Cloud turned the animal to look down at the town again. He couldn't help himself. He looked down and the sleeping village and imagined he could almost see their little house; he couldn't of course but he could still picture it. Cloud looked up to the sky. The clouds were thick and dark. He knew that, behind the murk, lay thousands of tiny lights. Even though he couldn't see the stars, he knew they were still there, twinkling. Maybe, behind all that haze, the sky looked just like it had that night. Quietly, he made a new promise, to the stars and to her. One day, he would come back. With or without Aeris, he would come back.
"I promise." Cloud wheeled his chocobo around, headed down the hill, and Kalm disappeared behind him. Way up above, beyond the dismal black clouds, the stars shone on.
Song: I'd do anything
Notes: hoo-boy. This isn't going to be easy. I wish I could leave well enough alone but this story has been nipping at me for the longest time. Sometimes, you just can't ignore something any longer. I'd highly recommend that people read Storm Break pt. 1 before this one. I wrote it first and I wrote this one under the assumption that people had read the other one first. Oh well, here we go. This is Cloud's story, the day he leaves Tifa behind in Kalm to go find Aeris, wherever she is. Some people won't like what I have to say. I'm one of those rare "pro-Tifa" people. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm anti-Aeris. . . Well, you'd have to read the fic to get it.
Storm Break (pt. 2)
Cloud sat alone on the couch. It was one of those rare nights where the air is thick with the taste of rain. Somehow, instead of dampening the feel of the night, it made it seem that much more real, more vivid, more alive. The air tingled with the power of the approaching storm, coming to sweep the world clean. He got up and walked to the window. It would be as good a night as any.
*Another day is going by*
He had spent all day preparing. Well, not so much as preparing as procrastinating and then preparing in tiny spurts to make up for his procrastination but he had managed. His things, such as they were, were tucked away secretly in a dusty, discrete box on the bottom shelf in the pantry. Tifa had never noticed a thing. Food, clothes, money, it was all ready. Cloud had spent so long thinking about leaving that it seemed strange to finally be going. All day, he had moved about in a sort of stunned stupor. He couldn't put it off any longer though. Thank God Tifa hadn't been home today. She would have seen right through him. She always seemed to manage that.
*I'm thinking about you all the time*
Cloud shook his head sadly. Ah, Tifa. She wouldn't understand this. Well. . . perhaps she would but that didn't make it any easier. He knew she saw more than he thought she did. Cloud had caught Tifa staring at him, sometimes, a sad, thoughtful expression on her face. Oh, she knew. She knew why, some days, his mind wandered to places it shouldn't tread. She knew why he sometimes stared off at the horizon, just looking. Wondering. She knew why he'd get up in the morning, dark circles under his eyes, because he had not slept at all. Yes, she knew only too well. He had tried. Really, he had but he just couldn't put Aeris out of his mind. Sometimes, he'd forget that she was gone, just long enough to make it seem real but then reality would come crashing in and he'd go tumbling down. Aeris. One part of him thought she truly was gone but the other. . . well, maybe he was just crazy but he couldn't stand not knowing any longer.
*But you're out there and I'm here waiting*
Cloud had come to that decision a long time ago. He couldn't stand not knowing. He had to go. But. . . there was always a but. It was Tifa, really. It wasn't her fault. She didn't mean to keep him here. She never said a word but he knew she needed him. And he needed her. So he stayed. The days had turned into weeks, and the weeks into months until three of them had rolled by. Three months spent puttering around in a "normal" life in Kalm. Three months past the point where the world almost ended. Almost. Maybe that would have been easier. Well, for him at least. Life is such a trial. There's no such thing as easy answers. So he stayed, delaying. Waiting. For what, he didn't know but tonight, he had made his decision. He needed to find her. He had felt her there, in the Crater. His mind kept screaming that she was dead but his heart. Cloud had learnt a long time ago that a person couldn't always trust the mind. Memories lie as easily as people do. Maybe she didn't die. Or, if she did, maybe, despite everything that the world has ever said about death and dieing, he really could find her. Help her. Save her. The way he. . .
*And I wrote this letter in my head because so many things were left
unsaid*
It wasn't fair. He had just stood there. He had never even moved. Sephiroth had fallen from the sky to take her away from him and he had never even moved! Life shouldn't be like that. People should never have to stand by and watch their world to turn dust around them. All the moments they could have had, all the laughter they could have shared, all the words they could have said, dust on the wind. God willing, maybe now there was a chance. He had the right to reach for that chance, didn't he?
*But now you're gone and I can't think straight*t
God, he was so tired of all this! It would be so easy just to leave. If only he didn't care about the consequences. If only he could forget about Tifa. Tifa, waking up the next morning. Tifa, crying. But what could he do? He couldn't take her with him. She had a life here, a good one. He had taken her away from that once and he wouldn't do it again. So what, leave a note? *Sorry Tifa. I just really gotta go. You know how it is. Cloud.* ? Yeah, right. But, God! It was like he had been walking in this haze since Aeris had gone. For a while, all there was this overpowering need to finish it, to settle the score. Almost, he had been able to believe that once it was over, she'd be there, to smile at him that way she had always done. After the Crater though, he had realized that it would never be over. Not for him. Not without her.
*This could be the one last chance to make you understand*
No, it would never be over, not when there was so much left unsaid, so many questions unasked, so many truths left untold. He couldn't go on living like this. He couldn't stand the horrible "what ifs" buzzing about his head. He hated the dull sadness that would grip him. Worst of all, he hated that feeling of being incomplete. He had to finish this. He had to see her again. He needed to talk to her, to, to. . . he wasn't quite sure what he needed. He only knew, beyond all conceivable reason, that he would never be able to continue on if he never saw her again.
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
God, it was hard though. He didn't just miss Aeris; he ached for her in every part of him. There was nothing he wouldn't give to see her again. Some nights, he'd dream about her and she run up to him, smiling the way she had, and open her arms wide to him. When he tried to reach her though, his arms would slip right through hers. Every time, he knew it would happen, but every time he tried again, hoping beyond all hope, that this time, he'd be able to hold her again. It never happened. He'd wake up in the morning, feeling empty. It was like losing her all over again.
*To try to make you laugh*
She had had such a special way about her. Aeris had had this illuminating personality that could make the darkest, most horrible times lighter, somehow. She had drawn people to her without even trying. Her easy smile and her quiet bravery had always been something he could hold on to. Cloud wished he had taken the time to treasure every one of those smiles, every one of her musical laughs, they way they had deserved to be treasured. More than anything, he wanted to see her happy again.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
Perhaps it was foolish. She was dead and gone. Wasn't she? He had watched her float away from him, that day. That was the end, wasn't it? Then why did it feel like there should be more? Why did it feel like she had never left him? He had felt her there, at the Crater. It sounded crazy, but in that moment, he had felt her all around him. He had tried to reach out to her but.
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
What did it all mean? Maybe it hadn't meant anything. Maybe he had been hallucinating. There had been so much energy in that place and he knew from experience what exposure to the Lifestream could do to people. But still. . . he wanted so much. He needed to see her again. The world seemed a smaller, colder place without her. Every time he woke up, before he opened his eyes, he hoped that the world as he knew it was the real dream. Maybe it was all just a bad dream. Maybe, when he opened his eyes, she'd be sitting there and she'd smile the way she always had and he'd know that everything was all right after all.
*Will you remember me? Because I know I won't forget you*
Heh, and maybe he'd sprout feathers and turn into a chocobo. Still, that nagging hope never left him. All the logic in the world couldn't save him. There was really only one thing left for him to do. He had put this off for far too long. Dimly, Cloud heard the rain begin to fall. *Wait for me a little longer Aeris. I'm coming.*
He pulled on his cloak and headed for the door. He threw it open and looked out to the rain drenched town square. Then, he paused. He heard a small sound, almost a moan, behind him. The world stopped moving. *Oh no*, Cloud thought to himself. *Tifa*.
*Together we broke all the rules, dreaming of dropping out of school*
Cloud turned ever so slowly. He could hear every raindrop with perfect precision and their tiny deaths resounded throughout the room. Tifa slumped down against the wall as if she had lost all of her strength. He couldn't help but look at her. She stared at him hungrily, as if afraid to take her eyes from him. Cloud couldn't move, couldn't speak. Memories of all the times he had been with her flashed past his eyes. The night at the well. The reactor. The Lifestream. That last night on the Crater. Tifa had always been there for him, for as long as he could remember. Together, they had fought things greater and more powerful than themselves. How long had it been since that night at the well? It seemed another lifetime now. He had kept that promise, hadn't he? So why did she look at him now like he had betrayed everything she had ever believed in?
*And leave this place to never come back*
Didn't she see why he had to go? Why couldn't she understand? How could she possibly know what it's like? It was eating him away inside. All the words he had never said, all the things he could have done, all the horrid what ifs that tormented him! He had to know and he couldn't find the answers that he needed here. He had to go. Why couldn't she understand? Why did she just stand there, half dead, without taking her eyes off him? In that gaze, Cloud was powerless to move. They both just stayed there, motionless, like statues that stood sentry as their entire ancient world was ground to dust before their eyes.
*So now, maybe after all these years, if you miss me have no fear*
How long had it been since Nibleheim? Since Midgar? It seemed another life now. Something of him, so integral to his person, had died right beside her so that afterwards he had felt like only half a man. For a while, there had only been that cold determination and now even that was gone. Why couldn't Tifa understand? He needed to find himself again and the answers he needed weren't here. He wanted so much to tell her but he couldn't break the silence.
Cloud watched as Tifa drew and shuddering breath and pushed herself ever so slowly from the wall. She drew a shaking hand through her hair and started walking haltingly towards him.
*I'll be here, I'll be waiting*
Then, suddenly, she was there, looking up to him with those deep brown eyes. Cloud realized then that she couldn't talk either. All she could do was look up at him and hope he understood. And he did. Oh God, he did. He was killing her. Slowly but surely, he was killing her. He wanted to ask her, why did she care so much? Why had she always stayed with him? Why couldn't she just let him go? He looked down at her and watched as the tears formed in her eyes. He wanted to brush them away but he was frozen. There was so much pain there. Fear and pain and. . . something else. It hit him so suddenly, so brutally, he was amazed he didn't collapse. He just stood there frozen. He felt her take his hand in hers. Slowly, he drew her close to him. Her head rested pillowed against him and, with his free hand, he stroked her soft brown hair. It was all too much for him. The brutal honesty that. . . Maybe he had always known. Maybe he had known for so long that he had forgotten. There it had stayed, unnoticed, waiting in some tiny crevice of their hearts, before it could be known again. *Oh Tifa. . .*
*This could be the one last chance to make you understand*
Cloud felt a tiny shudder run through her and he held her tighter. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to be afraid. He wanted so much to talk to her, to tell her so many things, to explain himself, but it was if he had never had a voice at all. All he could was hold her and hope that she could understand.
*And I just can't let you leave me once again*
When would it be enough? He had given up so much for everybody else. They all had. When would he ever be happy? Why couldn't he just stay here? He wanted to, oh so desperately. She was here and he was here and why couldn't they just be happy? Now that he. . . he understood now and he wanted to stay, to figure things out. But he had to go. But he wanted to stay. *Tifa, why didn't you. . . Oh Tifa, I'm so sorry.*
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
He just held her, revealing in the contact. Cloud closed his eyes and listened to her breathing. He could feel her heart pounding against his chest. He felt a strange peace, then. Ever since Aeris had died, he had felt so incomplete but now, in this moment, he felt whole again. If only he could stay with her forever. If only he could just surrender to this moment, here and now. If only he could put away all those haunting memories and live only in this instant, forever. He would have given anything to have that freedom.
*To try to make you laugh*
Tifa was. . . very special to him. She was someone he could always count on. She was always there, unlooked for, offering her help. Even when she had felt like giving up, she had always hung on. Maybe it had been for him; he didn't know. What had he done to earn that impossible loyalty? All those times she had helped him find himself again and all the difficulties she had endured for him. . . Why? He wanted so desperately to make it all up to her. He wanted to see her smile and laugh and to hear her tell him that everything was okay. Instead, he was leaving and it was killing her.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
Why couldn't he just walk away? He could just leave and close the door on this place forever. He had a right to, didn't he? But still. . . Tifa had always been there for him. Barret had told him once that, when he had been sick, she had left the others just to stay with him. She had said that, no matter what happened, she wouldn't abandon him. How could he abandon her now?
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
More than anything, Cloud wanted to stay here, with her. He could be happy here, he knew. Somehow, he knew, that if he stayed, they would be happy. If he could leave the past behind him, he could stay with Tifa and have his happily ever after. But. . . what if Aeris was waiting for him? What if, by staying, he failed her again? What if she waited forever and he never came? How could he do that to her?
Cloud looked down at Tifa and said her name quietly. She was so lost in the moment that she didn't hear him. He tried again, a little louder, and she nodded against his chest. She didn't have the strength to talk but she would listen.
"Tifa," his voice rasped. "I, I have to go." He felt her gasp against him. She was trying so hard not to cry.
"She's out there, somewhere, and I, I have to find her."
". . .I know. . ." Tifa's voice was so quiet, Cloud thought he might have imagined it. Then, she looked up at him, and smiled. The light hit her eyes just the way he remembered and she spoke again.
"I know Cloud. I understand. We have to find her. Let's do it. . . together." Tifa darted away from him and paused at the steps.
"Wait there! I have to get my things."
*Will you remember me? Because I know I won't forget you*
He stood there absolutely stunned. She understood? Cloud shook his head. He didn't deserve her. He had done so much to hurt her and yet. . . she understood? The spell her presence had had on him was broken. He looked about the room. It seemed smaller, somehow. Greyer. The rain was still coming down outside, he could see it through the open door. . . Cloud shook his head again. She was throwing her life away again for him. She was coming because she thought he needed her. Well, he did but he wasn't going to let her do it this time. It wasn't fair to her. Just because he couldn't forget the past didn't mean he had to hold her back too. Cloud drew up his hood and headed out the door. Dimly, as he left, he wondered what she'd think when she found him gone. He hoped she'd just forget about him and move on with her life. He knew he wouldn't forget her but he could live with that. He would have to.
*I close my eyes, and all I see is you*
Cloud closed his eyes and crossed the threshold. The rain fell down over him and consumed him. It dripped down him in rivers, its cold caresses chilling him. He felt numb. It was all so surreal. He looked back through the doorway. The house looked so empty now. It was as if he had never been there. He felt like a ghost haunting some lost place after all those who had loved him were dead and no one was left to remember him. There was someone for him though. It wasn't too late. He could walk back in. He could go back. He could. . . Aeris' face swam before his eyes. She needed him now. Cloud couldn't, wouldn't let her down. He turned his back to the house and headed down the front steps.
*I close my eyes, I try to sleep but I can't forget you*
He walked out back to the stable behind the house. The sleeping chocobo started a little when Cloud spoke softly to him. He warked quietly as Cloud set his bridle and saddle on. When he led the great animal out into the rain, he warked again, in protest this time. Cloud smiled sadly at the bird.
"I know boy, but we've gotta go now." When he reached the front of the house again, Cloud couldn't help but pause again. Maybe he could. . . no, he knew what would happen. He'd go inside, call it off, apologize to Tifa. . . and then when he fell asleep, he would be haunted by Aeris. Aeris, crying out for him. Aeris, alone and abandoned forever. . . No, he couldn't go back. He mounted the chocobo and put his heels to the bird's ribs. He warked again before he darted off at a run.
*I'd do anything for you*
The chocobo whizzed through the streets. Cloud knew it was dangerous running like this in the rain but he had to get away from the house. He felt so ashamed. He was leaving Tifa, again. Would she ever understand? Could she? *Oh Aeris, I'm coming. God help me, I'm coming.*
*I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms*
The chocobo's feet pounded against the pavement. The rain and the bird's footfalls were the only sounds in the abandoned street. Cloud's feeling of detachment grew as he speed through Kalm's streets, alone. He felt as if these three months he had spent here with Tifa had never existed. When the storm breaks, the momentary calm before it is always forgotten. All those days and nights he had spent with Tifa, they were fading. At this moment, he wanted to run back to their home, to rush up to her, to stop the tears he knew she would be shedding. . . but he also wanted to find Aeris, no matter the cost. Vaguely, he wondered if Tifa would ever forgive him. Above him, the rain kept falling.
*To try to make you laugh*
God, he had never wanted to hurt anyone. Tifa, Aeris, how much had they suffered because of him? How could he ever make it up to either of them? He just wanted them to be happy. He wanted. . . heh, maybe he really was crazy after all.
*Somehow I can't put you in the past*
There had to be some reason for this. There had to be a reason for what he had seen. There just had to be! He couldn't bear the thought of leaving Tifa over some. . . hallucination! God help him, he really was a fool.
*I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you*
Well, perhaps he was a fool but that really didn't change anything. He would find his answers. He had to. One way or another, he would find them. Either he would find Aeris and they would spend the rest of their days together or. . . No, there was no or. There couldn't be an or. She had to be there. Didn't she?
*I'd do anything to fall asleep with you*
He'd give anything for that fairy tale ending. Life wasn't like the great stories though. Who ever found their happy ending? Who was he to stand alone against the pessimism of the world? This was the world, Cloud thought glumly as he looked at the rain-drenched streets. It's a cold and lonely place, full of pain and treachery. A memory flashed before his eyes; a smiling, green eyes girl, offering him a flower. Then, that very same girl, looking down at him, torn between smiling at him and fretting over her blossoms. Finally, a perfect night spent together in a perfect place without a care in the world. Yes, it was a dark, twisted world full of bright shots of beauty and harmony and peace that are just too wonderful to be conveyed by words.
*I'd do anything; there's nothing I won't do*
Cloud wanted so much to feel that way again. He craved that simple happiness she had always created in him. He wanted to feel that simple affection that could have been so much more. She haunted his days and his nights. He was tormented by those bittersweet memories. There was nothing he wouldn't give, wouldn't sacrifice, for one more night with her. Just one night, that's all he asked. Just one.
*I'd do anything, to fall asleep with you*
As he reached the town's gates, he remembered another night, a quieter night, spent under the stars and a promise given. They had been so young then, both of them. They had known nothing of the world and its monsters. He wanted so much to hold to that promise now. He knew that she needed him now. He knew it but. . .
Cloud urged his chocobo on. He knew he was running but there really was nothing else he could do.
I'd do anything, because I know I won't forget you
Cloud stopped the chocobo when he reached the rise of a hill looking down on Kalm. Slowly, Cloud turned the animal to look down at the town again. He couldn't help himself. He looked down and the sleeping village and imagined he could almost see their little house; he couldn't of course but he could still picture it. Cloud looked up to the sky. The clouds were thick and dark. He knew that, behind the murk, lay thousands of tiny lights. Even though he couldn't see the stars, he knew they were still there, twinkling. Maybe, behind all that haze, the sky looked just like it had that night. Quietly, he made a new promise, to the stars and to her. One day, he would come back. With or without Aeris, he would come back.
"I promise." Cloud wheeled his chocobo around, headed down the hill, and Kalm disappeared behind him. Way up above, beyond the dismal black clouds, the stars shone on.