moved 5/6/17. originally written 7/17/15.

according to my original notes (my very angry notes), this takes place in 4x20 (Lights Out), after ryder sings "everybody hurts" and tells his story.

i was really mad during the time period when i wrote this, lmfao. can't blame me, though, i still am mad about a lot of the mess that surrounded poor ryder (i love that dude).

title from "everybody hurts" obviously.

warning for a mention of what ryder confessed to (sexual abuse) - nothing graphic, and i think it's just a passing mention but? please be careful, either way.

Ping.

Ryder is a bit surprised by the noise. Most of his conversations with "Katie," or whoever she really is, have been rather one-sided on his part, especially since Ryder found out Katie isn't really Katie. But if she does respond, Ryder is always the one to start the conversation. It's been a long, long time since Katie has started the conversation. Maybe it makes him desperate, but he has to know what the message says. Maybe she wants to meet up. Maybe she's telling him who she really is.

Or maybe Ryder is being too optimistic.

But he just can't help it. And he certainly can't pass up an opportunity to try to get information out of her, especially one where she's actually talking to him, let alone being the first one to send a message.

"I wouldn't have told." it reads.

"About what?"

Ryder has a feeling he knows what she means. But she's been so cryptic lately that he has to make sure.

"About what your babysitter did. "

"That's your story to tell. You can trust me not to tell anyone."

If only she was actually in front of him so he could roll his eyes or scoff or do something to show her how ridiculous that comment had been. For someone who knows what she's been doing, and how wrong it is, she seems to think Ryder is still blindly trusting her. Or that Ryder can still place trust in her, after the reveal. Maybe it's just him, but Katie seems to have a pretty different definition of trust than he does. And his definition is certainly hard to gain.

"How can I trust you with anything anymore when you won't even tell me who you are?"

He waits. This is the part where Katie usually disconnects.

"Because even if you don't really know me, you at least know I'm not that kind of person."

"This catfish will keep your secrets."

He blinks, almost in a stupor, at his phone screen. He hates that he still feels compelled by Katie's words, that he still feels like he can trust the pixelated promises she gives him. But even though he hates it, he knows that Katie is probably telling the truth. For once. And he wishes that he could be as bitter as he should be, that he wouldn't feel that connection, that he wouldn't place that trust in her that he is right now, but he just can't.

She means it. He knows she does.

That's enough for him right now.

And, realizing how weird he must look, contemplating his life and a strange catfish girl in the middle of a hallway, he puts his phone away, not bothering to respond. Katie has left him broken, hurt, and betrayed by her lack of responses and her ways of signing off when he tries to get info or meet her, so this is only fair.

At least that's what he tells himself.

Ping.

His hands grab his phone faster than his brain can contemplate what he's doing.

"I promise."

His fingers begin to type out a strange, strange pattern that he can't seem to follow in response to her promise. But the pattern makes sense, somehow, and Ryder actually consciously makes the decision to send it. Because even if he's mad at her, she still deserves to know. She still deserves to have the comfort that she had never given before today. To know that, as much as he dislikes it, his trust in her isn't totally fried and broken into pieces. To know that he still cares as much as she seems to, as much as he wants her to.

"I believe you."