Le once upon a time in Darklands...
"LEMMY! GET BACK HERE!" Bowser shouted in a furious rage, over the sounds of shattering priceless items and valuables. "NEVEEER! WHOOOOO!" Lemmy yelled, skillfully avoiding Bowser and his rage. "Darn these..KIDS!" Bowser said, leaning against the wall, taking in deep breaths. Let's face it, he's not as young as he used to be...if he ever was. "WHEEEEEEEEE!" Lemmy shouted, swinging from a chandelier waving his wand around the air.
"DAMMIT LEMMY!" Bowser shouted, falling over from exhaustion.
"Ever think about going on a diet father?" Ludwig said, looking down at Bowser.
"Ever think of SHUTTING THE HELL UP! I am PERFECTLY fine! I don't need to lose any damn weight!" Bowser said, pulling himself up off the floor, "Besides, I weigh the same as I did in High School."
"You went to High School?" Ludwig asked, raising an eyebrow. "I've never seen any of your diploma's.."
"Well, that's because they were lost, in the mail..." Bowser said, nervously.
"For 30 years?" Ludwig said, doubtfully.
"Oh shut up Ludwig! I have more important things to do than give you attention-"
"Which you never have." Ludwig said, cutting off Bowser and folding his arms.
"That is not the point! Don't you have some 'experimentals' or something to work on instead of bug me!" Bowser grumbled, getting irritated. Ludwig snickered, "Experimentals ?" Bowser whipped around and threw his hands in the air, "WHATEVER! I already have one annoyingly stupid child annoying me today and I DO NOT need another! If you keep bothering me, I WILL GIVE YOU SUCH A SMACK UPSIDE THE HEAD-" Before Bowser could finish his sentence, a yellow circus ball covered in orange stars, smacked him right in the back of the head, causing him to stagger and fall into a nearby bookcase, barely missing Ludwig.
Shaking with utter fury, Bowser pulled himself up off the floor, his face as red as a steamed lobster. "LEMATHIEAS "LEMMY" KOOPA! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!" Bowser bellowed causing the entire castle to rumble and shake.
Lemmy jumped down from the chandelier and walked up to Bowser shaking with fear.
"WELL! This looks like a perfect time for me to not be here so I will just-"
"YOU ARE GOING TO STAY HERE DAMMIT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" Bowser growled, in a voice so deep and angered, it sounded almost demonic. Ludwig stayed put, not wanting to anger his father any further...or get smacked into the next dimension by him.
Bowser continued to shout at his son, "LEMMY! I AM SO SICK OF YOUR CRAP! ALWAYS BREAKING MY THINGS AND NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY! AND FURTHER MOR-...ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"
Lemmy, who was staring at dust bunnies in the corner of the room, was snapped back into reality. "Huh? You say something Dad?" He said cheerily, like Bowser wasn't three seconds away from kicking him like a little football into next week.
"THAT IS IT!" Bowser shouted, "LEMMY, SINCE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FOLLOW SIMPLE DIRECTIONS AND BE A GOOD SON LIKE THE REST OF YOUR STUPID SIBLINGS, THEN YOU CAN JUST GET LOST! AND I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AGAIN YOU HEAR ME? NEVER! N-E-V-E-R! NEVER!" Bowser said taking deep breaths trying to calm down.
"W-well FINE! FINE DAD!," Lemmy said, teary eyed, "If you want me to leave so bad I will! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY TO A FAR AWAY PLACE WHERE I CAN BE ME!" He yelled, while stomping up the stairs to his room. "And you'll never see me again EVER! I SWEAR!" He shouted slamming his door shut. "I SWEAR!" He shouted opening his door and then slamming it shut once more, then slammed it a few more times.
"Oooooohh, that was kinda harsh Dad.." Iggy said, shaking his head. Bowser whipped around to see the rest of his children standing behind him. "WHAT THE- What are you idiots doing here!"
"We live here." Jr. said, bluntly.
"I know that! What I want to know is, what the heck are you demons doing standing behind me so creepily! DON'T YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO OR SOMEONE ELSE TO ANNOY?" Bowser said, barely keeping his temper under control.
"Nope! Not until Tuesday!" Iggy said, flipping pages in a day planner.
"...Why the hell did I have so many kids.." Bowser said, with a very dull expression.
"Because you didn't make very good life choices at a young age." Larry said.
Bowser narrowed his eyes, "Well go be stupid somewhere else! I don't have the time or energy for this!" Bowser groaned, throwing his hands in the air.
"But what about Lemmy? He seemed pretty hurt. You were kinda hard on him Dad.." Iggy said, looking up at Lemmy's room door, hoping his brother wasn't too hurt by Bowsers harsh words.
"Ahh! He'll be fine. Besides, Lemmy has the attention span of a goldfish. I know that by tomorrow morning, he'll have forgotten all about what happened and be his normally annoying self!" Bowser said, turning away from his kids.
THE NEXT DAY!
"DAD! DAD!" Iggy shouted running into the dining room where his father was, waving a sheet of paper through the air. "DAD! DAD! DAD!...DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD!" Iggy continued to shout before Bowser finally acknowledged he was there.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT IGGY? I'M TRYING TO EAT AND YOU'RE BOTHERING ME!"
"Eh-Hmm...Strange, since nothing ever seems to deter you from enjoying a meal.." Iggy said, raising and eyebrow and smirking.
"What the hell do you want Iggy?" Bowser said, with narrowed eyes.
"Are you sure I'm not 'bothering' you and your meal Father?" Iggy said, trying Bowsers patience.
"...You have until the count of five to tell me what you want before I slap the life out of you...FOUR-"
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!" Iggy said, cutting off Bowser before he went through with his threat, "But look what I found on Lemmy's bed!" Iggy said, passing the sheet of paper to his father.
Exhaling angrily, Bowser snatched the sheet of paper out of Iggys hand and began read.
"AHH! PAPER CUT!" Iggy shouted, holding his hand.
"Shut up I'm reading!" Bowser said, then began to read aloud,
"Dear E-veel Dad. I'm am writing this lett-ar because you are a buttface and I don't like you anymore. So I'm am running away to be on my own because you told me to. Don't try to look for me because I will be someplace where you will nevur, evur, evur, evur, evur, evur find me. Evur.
P.S. You suck.
With Hate, Love Lemmy"
It took Bowser a moment to process what he had just read, then it hit him, "WHAT THE- LEMMY RAN AWAY? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" He shouted, jumping out of his seat.
"Why? Because, Lemmy is too short to reach the handle on the front door?" Iggy said, still holding his 'injured' hand.
"No! Because I put metal bars in all your windows to keep you from escaping!" Bowser said, crumpling up the letter and throwing it over his shoulder.
"Say what now?" Iggy said, with a half confused, half 'What the heck?' expression on his face.
"Dammit, I guess I have to go look for him now! Does anyone else know about this?" Bowser asked, looking at Iggy.
"Nope! Just me." Iggy said.
"OH MY GOSH DAD! LEMMY RAN AWAY! I figured that you would be worried so I woke everyone up by throwing rocks at them then told them Lemmy was gone. Roy was the only one that punched me in the face. You know I really don't like Roy he's really mean and abusive, although I guess he gets that from your side of the family and not moms. Hey dad what's mom like? I never got to see her and you never told us what happened to her! Is she dead? On Vacation? Did she run away? HEY! Did you know that Lemmy ran away and.." Morton rambled, on and on as the other kids came into the dining room.
"...Did I say No? I meant YES. Everyone knows." Iggy said.
"I can SEE that Iggy." Bowser said, flatly, ignoring Morton who continued to talk to an invisible audience. "Look you brats! Apparently Lemmy has run away to some place that I don't give a damn about! So I am going to go find him."
"But weren't you the one who told him to get lost in the first place.." Jr. said, folding his arms.
"That's not the point! The point is that my son is missing and I must find him before he gets hurt! Or killed!" Bowser said, making his way to the front door, his kids following close behind.
"Funny how he changed his tune so quickly." Ludwig said, folding his arms and rolling his eyes.
"SHUT UP LUDWIG!" Bowser shouted, from the door.
MEANWHILE!
It felt like he had been walking forever, but Lemmy didn't mind, he was actually having fun being out on his own. "I had four biscuits then I ate one, then I only had...uhh...some left!" He sang happily walking down a random street he had forgotten the name of. Carrying a scarf tied to a stick holding all of his belongings, which were his wand, some biscuits, and a comb, he continued walking, not sure of where he was going exactly, when something caught his attention.
"OH BOY! SWINGS!" Lemmy said, excitedly, running into the park. He struggled a bit trying to get onto the swing, due to his dwarfism, but he was able to jump up onto the swing. Using his tiny legs to push with all his might, he began to sway back and forth. "Wheeeee-ehh, I'm bored now." He said, hopping off the swing. He picked up his scarf-bag on a stick and went to further explore the park. Reaching the edge of the park, trying not to get trampled by running kids playing around, he came upon a dark cave. Now anyone with an I.Q of 'smart' would turn around and avoid the cave and anything that might kill them in it...But this is Lemmy!
Entering the cave, using his wand as a torch, he explored every inch. Amazed at all its wonders...which were bugs, dirt, more bugs, darkness, rocks, pointy rocks, more dirt, and a few dead bats. There was also something that sounded like growling noises, but they were very faint, so Lemmy barely noticed.
"Aw, the cave ended...how do I get out?" He questioned, observing the cave wall, as if he was expecting a secret door to open up and lead him outside. He was so busy looking at the wall, he didn't notice the dark figure looming over him. "Huh..?" Lemmy said, turning around to face the large creature.
"RAAAAAGARRGAAAH!" The figure roared, paws overhead bearing it's claws. Lemmy just looked up at the creature, then realizing it was a bear, he said, "Hi 'RAAAAAGARRGAAAH' I'm Lemmy!"
The bear lowered its arms, with a confused expression.
MEANWHILE!
"LEMMY!" Bowser yelled, clapping his hands together twice, "COME 'ERE BOY!"
"He's not a DOG, father!" Ludwig said, from the back of the group. Bowser whipped around and glared at him, "Well EXCUSE me for caring about my son!"
"Not like you ever cared before." Ludwig muttered, folding his arms over his chest.
"SHUT YOUR FACE LUDWIG!" Bowser shouted at his oldest son. Ludwig narrowed his eyes, "or what?" He challenged.
"I'll take away your inheritance." Bowser said smugly.
"Whoa, whoa, Father, n-no need to do anything rash." Ludwig said, chuckling sheepishly, backing down.
"Yeah, I thought so, LUDWIG." Bowser said, continuing his search for his son, crawling on the ground and sniffing.
"well...If Lemmy is a dog...I can see where he inherited that trait.." Iggy said, giggling, following after his father.
"Wait...I THINK I SEE LEMMY!" Bowser yelled running up to a tiny koopa. With a rainbow mohawk, "OH LEMMY! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ALRIGHT FAVORITE SON! NOW THEY CAN'T CALL THE CPS ON ME AND YOU'RE SAFE!" Bowser rambled, shaking the little koopa back and forth in his arms.
"Father.." Ludwig said, trying to speak over his fathers idiotic babbling, "Father...FATHER...FATHER...FATHER!" Ludwig shouted, finally getting Bowsers attention.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT LUDWIG? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BONDING WITH MY NEW FAVORITE SON?" Bowser shouted.
"...'New Favorite Son'?" Jr. said, looking down at the ground.
"SHUT UP OLD FAVORITE SON!" Bowser called.
"...Anyway, Father that is not Lemmy." Ludwig said.
"What are you talking about it looks just like-" Bowser said, turning his attention to the koopa he was holding, then realized it was in fact not his son Lemmy. This koopa was the same height as Lemmy, had the same derpy expression, same hairstyle, but had a different color scheme, this couldn't have been his son. "What the- If this isn't Lemmy then..WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?" He said.
"I'm Lammy!" The little koopa said with a cross-eyed expression.
"Well of you're not really my son then why didn't you say something!" Bowser said, irritated at being fooled by a child.
"Iunn'a" Lammy said. Bowser was silent for a moment, then swiftly threw the little koopa over his shoulder. "Fricking random kids trying to troll me!" Bowser said annoyed.
"Trying and succeeding." Ludwig said.
"Shut, UP! Ludwig!" Bowser shouted. As he looked around he noticed something very strange, "Wait a minute..WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE STUPID KIDS, LOOKING LIKE MY OWN STUPID KIDS RECOLORED!" He shouted angrily.
Ludwig looked up and said, "Maybe this enormous sign above your head might shed some light on this peculiar situation."
Bowser looked at Ludwig, then looked up and read the sign aloud,
"Fan Character Creator and Fan Character Day. All Fan Characters and Creators Welcome! Oc's welcome as well."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Sounds more like 'Hideous Recolor and Talentless Hack Day'!" Bowser said, throwing his hands into the air. "Lemmy could be anywhere around here! It'll be impossible to find him with all these hideous kids running around!"
Bowser continued ranting about recolors and their 'hideousness', when he was cut off by an annoyingly, familiar voice. " 'Sup Mofos?"
"Oh. Dear. GOD. WHY!" Bowser said, turning his attention to a thirteen year old girl in a white shirt reading, 'Haterz Gonna Hate', black skinny jeans tucked into black and white high-top converse sneakers. Her long dark brown hair tied in a large ponytail with a red ribbon. "Why the FLIPPING FLOP are you here!"
"Did you not read the sign Fatty? I'm here for the festival!" Christie said, pointing up at the sign.
"Wait..If Christie is here...during Fan Character day...then that means..Oh good Lord.." Ludwig said, looking around frantically. "Or wait...maybe she isn't here..and I'm safe..I'M SA-"
"LUDWIG!" Catherine said cheerily, jumping on Ludwigs back, causing him to fall face down onto the ground.
"Someone kill me.." He said, his voice muffled.
"I missed you too Ludwig!" Cathrine said, obviously not listening to what Ludwig had said.
"Hey Dad, you know you're lucky 'what's her face' isn't here! She'd probably kill you for losing Lemmy!" Iggy said, looking up at his Father.
"WHAT!" Another annoyingly familiar voice shouted from behind them, "You LOST Lemmy? HOW COULD YOU? What kind of Father are you? I SHOULD JUST GO CALL CPS ON YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW FATTY!" She shouted, pushing her pink bangs out of her face. The 17 year old girl walked up to the group, wearing a black baggy crop top with the letters 'AP' in pink bleeding letters, high waisted denim shorts that looked as if they had the legs cut off, pink and white zebra printed canvas platform high top sneakers, with the lace from her ankle socks sticking out of the top of her shoes, and her hair in two Chines style buns colored pink fading into lilac. "I better have heard him wrong!" She said, close to furious.
"Oh, hey Akasha!" Iggy said.
"Hey Iggy?" Bowser called. "Yeah Dad?" Iggy replied. "I hate you." Bowser said flatly, "And I didn't...lose Lemmy per say, he just..got away.." Bowser said looking to the left.
"Oh really? How did he get away then?" Akasha asked, folding her arms and tapping her foot.
"WELL, Dad got mad at Lemmy for being a derp, and so he yelled at Lemmy SUPER SUPER loud, and told Lemmy that if he can't just shut up and sit down, and stop breaking his stuff, he can just go away and get lost! So we've been out here all day looking for Lemmy! But for all we know he could be dead in a roadside ditch, or kidnapped, or mauled by bears, or-"
"SHUT UP MORTON!" Bowser yelled, cutting Morton off.
"I see, well you better fricking find Lemmy or I am going to post all your Princess Peach pictures online!" Akasha said, getting in Bowsers face, and started poking him in the chest with her black colored, talon nailed, finger.
"GET OUT OF MY FACE!" He shouted pushing her away from his face, "And you don't even know where I keep my-I...mean, I HAVE NO PHOTO'S OF PRINCESS PEACH!" Bowser said, looking around to make sure no one could hear them.
"Oh please Dad, even WE know you have pictures of Peach. You don't hide them very well." Wendy said, filing her nails.
"Yeah Dad, the beast is right!" Iggy said.
"Beast?" Wendy said, looking up.
"Why you rotten kids, HAVE YOU BEEN GOING THROUGH MY STUFF AGAIN?" Bowser shouted annoyed.
"Every Friday!" Iggy said, once again, flipping through pages in a day planner, "And on Sundays, we raid your food stash!"
"WHAT?" Bowser said, glaring at Iggy.
"NOTHING!" He said, throwing the planner behind him.
Bowser narrowed his eyes and turned around, "Whatever! I need to find my stupid favorite son! And If you idiots are gonna help me then come on!" He said as he continued to search the festival for the missing Lemmy.
"I thought I was the Favorite!" Jr. said, following after Bowser.
"SORRY! I'M IGNORING YOU OLD FAVORITE SON!" Bowser shouted, ahead of the group.
It had been a very long day, they had looked high and low, but there had been no sign of Lemmy so far. They went to 'Koopa FunTime Palace' but Lemmy wasn't there. They tried looking at '5 Shy Guys' Ice Cream place, but Lemmy wasn't there either. They even tried the library, but he wasn't there either. They were about to give up hope, until Akasha reminded Bowser that she would rip the hideous scales off his body and feed them to him if he didn't find Lemmy before nightfall.
"I CAN'T FIND HIM ANY-FRICKING-WHERE!" Christie shouted, hanging on a tree branch. "Who do you think you are? Roshad?" Akasha said from under a bench.
"Well look, HARDER! I don't want your stupid sister to post my pictures online!" Bowser said, sticking his head out of some bushes.
"..Stupid? Who are you calling stupid Fat Back!" Akasha said, glaring in Bowsers direction.
"YOU, STUPID! THAT'S WHO!" Bowser yelled.
"I thought you said you didn't have any pictures Father?" Ludwig said, trying get Catherine to let go of his arm with her ninja tight grip.
"SHUT THE HELL UP LUDWIG! I'M SICK OF YOUR SMARTASS COMMENTS!" Bowser shouted.
"Ooooh...right in the feelings." Ludwig said, rolling his eyes and smirking.
"Damn kids! I wish I never had so many of you!" Bowser yelled, returning to the bush.
"Well, if you had made some better life choices, you wouldn't have so many kids!" Christie said, still hanging from the tree branch.
Bowser just narrowed his eyes at her, then threw a pine cone at her, hitting her in the face and making her fall out of the tree trying to block it. "AHHH!" Christie shouted as she hit the ground, getting up she wiped the dirt off her black jeans and hands, "That fat mother trucker threw a pine cone at me!" She shouted, pointing at Bowser.
"YEAH! That was awesome!" Iggy said, laughing hysterically.
"Ahhhhh, SHUT UP! Ignoramus!" Christie said, glaring at Iggy.
Iggy stopped laughing and sat upright, "My name is Ignatius!"
"I know what I said!" Christie said, wiping dirt off her clothes.
"Ugggh! This sucks! It's sunset and we still haven't found Lemmy!" Akasha groaned, turning over on her back, letting her bangs fall in her face.
"DAMMIT LEMMY! COME HOME!" Bowser shouted, down on his knees with his hands in the air. "COME HOME DAMMIT! JUST COME HOME ALREADY!" He said falling over and rolling back and forth on the ground, covering his face with his hands, sobbing in a very idiotic way.
"Wow...I never thought I would see Father be so emotionally broken, and tormented...Why didn't I bring my camera!" Ludwig said, furrowing his brow.
"You know Ludwig, I'm really starting to think you don't want that inheritance!" Bowser yelled, still on the ground, "If only I could hear his stupid little annoying voice one more time. LEMMY! IF YOU COME BACK I PROMISE I'LL NEVER YELL AT YOU EVER AGAIN! AND I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT!" Bowser said, rolling over the ground again.
"Rule One: Have some fun! Rule Two: Me and You! Rule Three: You and Me all the way to victory!" A little voice said, sounding a little distant.
"It's like I can hear him! As if he were really here!...I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER!" Bowser said, curling up in a fetal position.
"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" The voice said again.
"Father, as much as I agree that you are a terrible parent and should never have another child as long as you live, I think you're right. I heard Lemmy too." Ludwig said.
"Yeah! I heard him too!" Cathrine said, holding onto to Ludwigs arm even tighter.
"Would you please remove yourself from my arm? Your talons are digging into my flesh." Ludwig said, looking dully at Cathrine.
"Nope!" Cathrine said, smiling.
"Right then." Ludwig said, still holding his deadpan expression.
"I think it came from the bushes!" Akasha said, moving from under the bench and running toward the bushes at the east end of the park.
"Wait for me!" Christie said, running after Akasha with the rest of group following behind.
Making their way over the stream, and over a little hill, they came up the bushes and finally found him. Lemmy was sitting with RAAH the Bear, it appeared they were having a picnic.
"You know RAAH you're a great friend!" Lemmy said, smiling, holding a ham sandwich.
"Hey! We found him!" Akasha said, jumping over the bushes.
"LEMMY!" Bowser said, pushing past everyone and knocking them over, "OH LEMMY I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OK! OH FAVORITE SON I'LL NEVER YELL AT YOUR EVER AGAIN!" Bowser said, a little overjoyed that Lemmy was safe and sound.
"But Dad!" Jr. began, but Bowser cut him off again. "Shut up Old Favorite Son!"
"Well yeah jerkface I'm ok. I've been spending time with RAAH the Bear!" Lemmy said happily.
"That's great so- Jerkface?" Bowser said with a 'What the 'H'' expression, dropping Lemmy.
"You guys wanna join us! We're gonna have a night picnic and then we're going to catch fireflies!" Lemmy said, pointing at the picnic him and RAAH had set up together.
Christie pushed her way past everyone, "Move it yo! I want some of that pasta salad!" she said, grabbing a plate and sitting next to RAAH. Everyone found a place on the picnic blanket and filled their plates with food.
"..Animals.."Ludwig said, shaking his head.
THE END!
"Seriously, I'm still the favorite son, right Dad?" Jr. said, looking up at Bowser.
"...Who are you?"
END! (For realsies)