Me am no Nintendo.
Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid
Chapter 1: Undesirable Abstinence Really Sucks
As the sun began to set in the far west, the gang started to set up their campsite for the night. Ash and Brock began rolling out their sleeping bags, and Dawn began setting up her tent.
"Alright, if I set up the cooker, could you guys go get some firewood?" asked Brock, as he set up his cooking pot.
"Sure!" said Ash and Dawn simultaneously, as they began walking into the deep woods to obtain cooking goods, or coodsgings for short.
Ash started to scan the area for both firewood and a midnight snack, while Dawn scavenged through random bushes for twigs, due to her inferior woman strength crippling her ability to lift anything over half a pound (super-ouch).
As Ash grabbed log after log, he let out a sigh of depression. "What's the matter, Ash?" Dawn asked, picking up another enormous twig.
"Ah, it's nothing." Ash answered with a glum expression across his face. What was he supposed to tell her, that not only was he a girlfriendless mess of a human (much like the author), but that he hasn't had had the sweet taste of Alabama justice (pussy, for city-folk) in years? His sexual frustration was nipping at his rear-end for the last few days (and for a 14-year-old, can you blame him?), and he's suppressed his "needs" for far too long.
As he began picking berries for his fourth meal, he started to remember the last time he got his groove on.
"It was a Saturday night in Celadon City, after I got my ass kicked out of the Gym for my manly beliefs. I was walking around the city, and came across a rather cute blonde girl. She seemed so innocent. I walked over and introduced myself, and she just grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the nearest restroom. It reeked of excrement, but we were both ready for it. She threw me into the last stall, and jumped on top of me, unzipping my jeans and digging around like a child for their cereal box prize. She grabbed my chub of a dick, and yanked it out of my denims. She began stroking it like a professional; her hands were like crushed velvet. At this point, my cock was rock-hard, and she started eyeing it in disbelief. At the time I had no idea why, but I know now that it was because it was rather large for a young Catholic boy. She literally threw her mouth around it; her head bobbing up and down like my Charles Barkley-autographed Wilson basketball. Oh, how I loooved that basketball. I took that basketball with me everywhere I went; that basketball was like a basketball to me. I even put that basketball underneath my pillow; maybe that's why I couldn't sleep at night. I need help, ladies and gentlemans. What was I thinking about, again? Hmmm…"
"Uh, Ash? Are you okay?" asked Dawn, as she noticed Ash standing in a frozen state for the last several minutes.
"Oh, uh yeah. I'm fine." Ash responded, regaining his composure. As he began picking once more, he started to gaze at Dawn with a glazed look in his eyes. As she bent over to pick up yet more twigs, he tilted his head to get a good view of the striped panties she was sporting. With a disgruntled look, he said to himself, "Ugh, too easy."
Once they finished gathering their coodsgings, they returned to the campsite. "Ah, there you are! Now I can get dinner started!" Brock stated with a gleeful expression.
As Brock began to cook dinner, Dawn started practicing new contest moves with Piplup, while Ash sat idly on his sleeping bag, rearranging his backpack. Once he finished, he set his hands on his lap; his right hand falling on his manhood. He then realized it's been a while since he's even gotten his rocks off. Once they all sat down to eat, he started to think of his last time he tugged his tapioca tube.
"It was a glorious Tuesday evening, and I had just won my Heat Badge, so I decided to relax in the nearby Hot Springs. The rest of them decided to join me; all of them in their impromptu bathing suits. Damn, May was lookin' supa-fine that day. After chit-chatting for a good few hours, they all decided to leave, but I just told 'em that I'd stay a little longer. Once they were long gone, I started to go at it; roughin' mah ruby wrangler like there was no tomorrow. I was making so many strange noises, but it felt so good. After several minutes of vigorous stroking, I finally released my sticky soldiers into the spring waters. The moon looked so beautiful that night, like it does in those apocalyptic movies I would watch as a child. If the world ended that night, I wouldn't even care, as long as I had my limo and my orange hair. And it don't bother me if people think I'm funny, cause I'm a big rock star, and I make lots of money, money, money, money, money, money, money, AAAAAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! I'M SOOO BLOODY RICH, HAHAHAHAAAA! I OWN APARTMENT BUILDINGS AND SHOPPING CENTERS, HAHAHAAA! AND I ONLY KNOW THREE CHORDS! AHAHAAA, WATCH ME BUUUUURN! … What was I thinking about, again? Hmmm…"
"Um, Ash? Is everything alright?" asked Brock, as Ash came back to a confused look across his two friends' faces.
"Y-Yeah. Everything's fine." Ash stated with a blank look.
"Are you sure? You seem a little off today." said Dawn with a troubled gaze.
"Nah, I'm fine." Ash said depressingly.
With those words, Ash finished his dinner, and helped set up the camp fire for the night. As they all sat near the fire, he began to once again recollect on his sexual past, followed by yet another Cheech and Chong reference.
"Ash, ASH!" Brock yelled, once again pulling Ash out of his raunchy trance.
"Huh, what?" asked Ash.
"What's wrong? You seem really sad." Brock stated with concern.
"Oh, nothing. I'm alright." Ash responded with a head-tilt and a half-smile.
"Are you sure? We're kinda worried…" said Dawn with a saddened expression.
"No need to worry! (God, I hate that…) I'm fine!" Ash said with a giant fake smile. Several minutes went by, as Ash decided to make his leave. "Well, I'm off to bed. 'Night, guys." Ash said with a yawn.
"'Night, Ash." Dawn and Brock said as they continued sitting by the fire.
As Ash fell comfortably into his sleeping bag, he began to drift off into his sub-conscious…