Rainfall gazed moodily out of his den at the snow falling softly on the ground. How long ago had it been now since this same snow had fallen on the smoking embers of the barn? Years. Too long, and not long enough. Long enough to dull the pain, yes, and long enough to make him guilty, certainly. But not long enough to let him forget how if only he could have been there he could have saved her, and he could have saved the kits. Rainfall let out a short growl. When would he stop mentally killing himself over that? It was exactly what he'd been spending the past three moons trying to get Pinefur to do and yet- if he couldn't get himself to ignore the guilt, how could he expect Pinefur to do it?
"Rainfall." Ashwing stood in the entrance to the medicine den. She was a small, delicately-build tortoiseshell with a badly torn right ear and a gash down her flank, bleeding red. Rainfall stumbled to his feet, hurrying to his friend's side.
"Ashwing, you're hurt! What happened?" he began, leading her into his den.
Ashwing winced as she sat down. "The rogue on the other side of the river took exception to the border. We got into a bit of a skirmish, I guess."
Rainfall grabbed a head of marigold, crushing it to spread on the wound. "Are you the only one hurt or do I need to prepare for more injured?"
"Just me," the she-cat reassured him. "How are you doing? You looked melancholy."
Rainfall hurriedly began plastering cobweb onto the injury. "I'm fine." He muttered. "It's not like something's wrong."
"Is it Pinefur? He's been improving, you know."
"It's nothing," snapped Rainfall.
"Oh. You miss Sky." Ashwing gave him a calculating look. "Ready to talk about it? It's long past time you tell someone. Anyone."
Rainfall gave a sigh and sat down. "You're done. Don't jump around too much or get involved in a fight, you'll rip it open."
"Well?" Ashwing delicately tucked her paws underneath her.
"I was an apprentice. You remember that. I was proud, and strong, my temper exploded at the least little thing. And there was that fight, that raid on the den of badgers when we were trying to drive them out of our territory."
"I do. And so we went off to fight, and left you behind with the kits. You must have got upset and ran away, because when we got back to camp you had gone. Everyone thought you had tried to join the battle and got killed by a badger on the way there."
"Yes," affirmed Rainfall. "I ran away, foolhardy idiot that I was. I had thought to find another clan, on the other side of the Twolegplace, one that might better appreciate my dubious skills. And then I got lost. I spent the next few moons wandering Twolegplace, threatening kittypets and fleeing from the countless dog packs. Finally some twoleg caught me in a poisoned trap and I woke up in a cage. I don't know how long it was, but eventually another twoleg, a young queen, crept in in the middle of the night and freed us all. I had gotten my leg hurt a day or two before when a twoleg tom tried to grab me, so the kind twoleg carried me out. She healed me and after about a moon, set me free on the moor. Well, by the next sunrise I had no idea where I was, but I had found a barn with only one other cat living in it." He fell silent.
Ashwing began washing his ear. "That was her? Sky?"
"Yes," replied Rainfall, after a long silence. "That was her. We built a life together, then, in the barn. We had three kits. Their names were Snow, Night, and Sea. They were barely six moons old when I went hunting again outside the barn, looking for rabbits. I went farther that day along the moors than I had ever gone before. I found a little strip of forest that went right along through the middle of Twolegplace, and I assumed it could take me back here. I turned around and left it. I went back to Sky. By the time I reached the barn, though—it was nothing but a smoking pile of coal and ash. I searched for them, Starclan knows, digging through the burning mess but… there was nothing there. I spent three sunrises there, hardly sleeping and not eating much. After that… I went back to the little strip of forest and followed it. Eventually it gave out into Twolegplace. I wandered through it until I found places I recognized, then finally the edge of Twolegplace. I managed to trace my way through the forest until I came to the edge of Clan territory. You know the rest." Rainfall put his head on his paws.
"When will you stop killing yourself over something you had no control over, love?" Ashwing gazed at her friend and healer compassionately.
"When the world ends, probably. I only wish I could."
"Ashwing?" came a loud voice outside.
"What is it, Stormpelt?" she yelled back.
"Come here!"
"Coming! Rainfall, you heard him. I should go." Ashwing began padding out the doorway.
"Ashwing?" asked a weak, scared voice.
"Rainfall?" she turned.
"Who heals the healer?"