A/N: I just really felt like doing a parody. Enjoy reading it and don't forget to review. If you don't want to read somebody completely mocking Twilight, you should not read a Twilight (New Moon) parody. I would not like any flames.
Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. She owns everything, I own nothing.
How New Moon Should Have Ended:
Bella: Oh no, I obviously don't have a cell phone so I will have to fly to Italy to rescue my boyfriend who cruelly left me months ago leaving me broken. Also, I somehow do this in the time which he is already there, whilst I have to drive to and from airports and fly to a different continent.
Alice: I can predict the future but for some reason I did not see that Bella was alive. Also, now instead of calling Aro to tell him to capture Edward and wait for us to arrive I will drive three times the speed limit to get to Volterra and somehow not get stopped by the cops.
Jacob: Hi, I'm Jacob. I am not really in this scene but I bring in viewers. Here, see me topless.
Alice: For some reason during the random scene where Jacob is topless, I have arrived at the gates of Volterra in the same Porsche I left in. I wonder how I got it on the plane. Maybe I stole it?
They reach a human guard stopping people from entering Volterra.
Guard: Are you meant to be here? We have a celebration going on.
Alice reaches out of the car and handed the guard about a thousand pounds in notes.
Bella: Alice, no, you sparkle in the sun.
Alice: As it turns out I am wearing skin-colour gloves which I never had before or since. They aren't even that fashionable. Here's a lot of money. I know we aren't meant to go in but thousands of pounds usually does the trick.
Guard: That it does. Seriously though, I'd like to warn you that there are vampires in Volturi Castle. I don't see how nobody else notices that every second week a large group of tourists follow a beautiful woman in there never to emerge again.
Bella: Whilst that might be a perfectly logical point, I have to go inside to rescue my vampire boyfriend of stepping out into the light, even though nobody knows that vampires sparkle in the sun.
Guard: Sorry, I was too busy counting the money your friend gave me to know what you were saying. Go right in.
Alice: As apparently I cannot run down crowds of people, I will go park this car whilst Bella the klutz should go and find Edward all by herself. Remember to push through the crowds slowly to add suspense. A good slow motions sequence would do it.
Bella: Edward! I'm alive! My pathetic human klutziness is preventing me from doing anything decent, which is strange coz I'm a Mary Sue character.
Edward: I have vampire hearing. I am able to pick up the sound of a mouse scampering a mile away. For some reason though, I cannot hear my girlfriend above the crowds in this simple parade.
Bella: Don't step out into the sun! Edward!
Edward: I step out into the sun now. For some reason everybody turns my way… but there will be no consequences for this later on. Wow look, there is Bella. They really do work fast, without me seeing or noticing them at all.
Bella: By the way, I am alive… oh look, there are two red-eyed vampires coming towards us menacingly. Let's go down the dark alleyway.
Felix: Come on Edward, let's go back to the Masters. Other than that I don't really serve a purpose in this story. Just so you know, I am one of the strong fighters so don't try anything.
Edward: I can read his mind. He isn't completely at ease. Oh look, there is Jane. He is completely at ease now.
Jane: I can tell already that you are both incredibly annoying. I am looking forward to the time I get to torture you both.
Bella: As I take forever to think things through, I still have no clue what your gift is or even that you have any sort of power at all. Also, I am not at all afraid that I am the only human here amongst vampires because I am used to it by now.
Jane: Despite what you think, I am powerful enough that everybody treats me with enough fear to follow me instead of argue. Now, back to the castle.
Bella: You are cute and tiny. Why are they so afraid of you?
Felix: I like this human. She is slower than I am, as all brawny guys seem to be slow in this vampire world.
Edward: Shh, Bella, everything will be alright.
Bella: I have totally forgiven you although you broke my heart and left me. Somehow in a world of vampires that want to suck my blood and have nearly killed me, that was that part that gave me constant nightmares and possible PTSD.
Alice: Hi all, I am here for some reason again. I don't know how it is relevant to the story, but I was not here in the previous scene but am in the Volturi castle. I can predict the future so I saw that, and this seemed like the logical point to join you.
They go through a very dark and freezing passage, finding a human secretary at the end.
Gianna: Hi, I'm Gianna. I am only mentioned in this one part of the whole saga. I work here because I want to be a vampire.
Bella: I am a hypocrite. I want to be a vampire as well but Gianna is really weird for wanting to be a vampire. Who knows where she comes from, but I have a loving family that I am giving up. Surely she must be more insane than me.
Edward: Super hearing fails again. Who would ever want to be a vampire? For some reason this is totally hell. Probably because I am a one hundred year old virgin and I never even expected to live that long. Also, having to live on the death of other sucks.
Bella: You're a virgin. Ah, wow, I always wanted to be some guy's first.
Jane: I am getting very impatient. The other guards aren't going to say anything as they completely vanished from importance as soon as I arrived. Come with me.
Alec: I'm Alec. I'm holding hands with my twin sister, the only evidence in the whole series that we are close despite the fact that it is stated. Just to point out, we are not romantically close at all or anything. That would be weird. We are twins.
Jane opens the door to the throne room.
Aro: Oh look, your human is alive after all. I must say, she is a lot less pretty than she was in your thoughts. I guess that is what love does to people.
Bella: Thanks so much, I'm right here you know.
Aro: Don't worry, I reckon you must be used to being treated like that by now. I know what Edward does to you.
Bella: How? I put things together incredibly slowly, you know, so I have absolutely no idea how you would know that. I can't emphasize that enough as you might not have heard it the first few times I said something similar. Wait, didn't Alice tell me on the plane that you have a weird mind reading ability.
Alice: That I did.
Bella: Just to put it out there, your skin looks very weird. I know as I am a human and it is human protocol to never say what you actually mean, but that is not what this parody is about.
Caius: Don't speak against your masters in that tone. I am angry at everybody for some reason that nobody else can ever figure out. Maybe it's because I've lived with Aro too long and he gets incredibly annoying.
Marcus: I'm Marcus. I'm about twice as old in the films as I am in the books. For some reason I am still depressed after a thousand years because my mate died, but that is never once stated. I have now spoken more than I would have done in the entire saga.
Bella: Hiya. I totally get where you are coming from because I completely broke down when my controlling, manipulative boyfriend who frequently states he wants to eat me, saw sense and broke up with me for my own good.
Aro: Don't worry, that is only because Stephanie Meyer thinks that having a boyfriend dump you is the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody. Them disappearing out of your life, no matter in which way, is going to make you turn into a mental zombie for the rest of eternity. Then there are the Romanians who do not appear affected in that way by the loss of their mates.
Bella: Who are the Romanians? Where do they come from?
Felix: Everybody wait, I want to see how long it takes her.
Bella: Wait, they're from Romania aren't they. And they are vampires. And at least one of them lost his/her mate.
Aro claps sarcastically.
Bella: Oh Edward, please don't ever leave me again. If you do, I'll be right back here asking for death like you were intending, because there is absolutely no other way a klutz like me could commit suicide. I am reliant on vampires, especially males, even for that.
Caius: And I would happily oblige.
Aro: I think this has gone far off topic, and have never had any interest in this at all. Now to get down to business. Edward, come forth.
Aro holds Edward's hand in his.
Bella: Oh my gosh, you are both gay. I'm going to cry now.
Jane: My master is not gay. I can't say the same for your boyfriend though. Look how much he must spend on hair gel…
Caius: That's enough, Jane. We can all see how clearly gay Edward is. Marcus, confirm it.
Marcus: I've already used up all the speaking time I can as I am an incredibly minor character.
Caius: You could have just said yes or no.
Aro: Interesting. Just to point out, when your human threatened to kill herself if you ever left again you felt like you needed to run off. Don't worry, human, he dismissed that quickly.
Bella: Argh, for a moment I thought that I'd have to kill myself because my boyfriend doesn't love me, or else turn into a mental zombie as not being loved by a vampire who makes me feel pathetic is worse than death.
Aro: Now, can I hold hands with your human?
Edward: Whilst I usually make all decisions for her, this one is up to her. This is mainly because she does not really have a choice in this matter at all, as you are only disguising your order as a question.
Bella: I don't know. How old were you when you were turned? Any age after that does not matter. Edward's like a hundred, but it doesn't matter to anybody because he was turned when he was seventeen and stays in youthful perfection.
Caius: Aro, are you sure you would want to hear every thought that girl has ever had? She seems exceedingly boring and stupid. Her boyfriend is so lucky that he didn't have to know her thoughts for all this time.
Bella: Hey, I am meant to be smart. I like Wuthering Heights and other classic novels. Seriously, I have no normal teenage interests at all whatsoever. Some find me very shallow though, which makes me wonder how I am meant to be relatable.
Aro holds out his hand and Bella finally takes it.
Bella: Even though your skin and eyes look weird, I have finally figured out after a while that I do not have a choice. It could be worse though, you could be a lot older than me physically. That would just have been weird.
Aro: I'm three thousand years old.
Bella: That's alright, as long as you look like you are in your mid-twenties.
Aro: I can't seem to read your mind either. Jane, why don't you give it a go.
Jane: With pleasure.
Edward: No, don't hurt my love. So maybe I might have hurt her mentally a lot more than you possibly do, breaking her and making her reliant on me, but noooo!
Edward jumps in front of Bella and then writhes on the ground in pain.
Bella: Nooo, my love that broke me. Don't hurt him, hurt me.
Jane: Growl. For some reason I cannot torture this stupid human girl, but later I will figure out that I at least managed to torture Edward Cullen. Every cloud.
Alec: Jane, calm down. Remember, you managed to torture Edward Cullen.
Jane: Or now. Yay, I tortured Edward Cullen. Don't you all envy me?
Aro: Wow, that is amazing. Why don't you all stay with us and become guard members.
Alice and Edward: No thanks. Even though one of us may or may not have committed a crime, we will just leave now.
Bella: I do whatever somebody else says all the time. I have no idea who to listen to.
Edward: Listen to me. I am your one and only love.
Bella turns towards him.
Aro: There are plenty of guards around that don't have mates. Would you really like to go back to someone who will keep a very close eye on you and kidnap you from this point on?
Bella: Yes actually. I'm a weak protagonist who apparently likes that sort of thing. This is the point where you regret not being able to read every thought that has ever popped into my head. Wow, I just figured out what you can do. And Jane's a torturer, isn't she?
Caius: Really, that stupid human is only just figuring this out?
Aro: I'll turn you into a vampire.
Bella turns towards him.
Edward: I will too.
Aro: He has no intention to at the moment.
Edward: I'll also let you spend time with your puppy, Jacob.
Jacob: I just realized a few minutes have passed since you have seen me topless. Just feast your eyes on me for a moment before we get right back to the 'plot'.
Alice: Seriously Aro, listen to him. We need to go back so that this love triangle can develop even though everybody knows who Bella is going to end up with.
Caius: That seems rather pointless. She either has to die or be turned into a vampire now.
Alice: I see it now. I'll change her myself, even though it makes no sense at all whatsoever.
Goes over to Aro to show him her vision.
Aro: If you cannot see anything related to the werewolves and they live in the same area as you, how can you see anything at all?
Alice: With all the inaccuracies here, why do you choose to point out that one? Seriously. Like the fact that nobody realizes that Chelsea is the most powerful member of the Volturi because she can literally control the relationship between everybody, and how Jasper and I can use our abilities on Bella but Edward can't. Ours are mental as well.
Aro: Are you sure you won't reconsider joining. You mate can join as well.
Jane: Growl. If Edward and Bella join, I swear I will end up murdering them even if it gets me killed. I don't believe I am the only one that feels that way.
Dimitri: I second that.
Santiago: They're incredibly annoying, so yeah.
Bella: Oh right, you're all baddies. That's how it works. Everybody who hates me is a baddy. Anybody who likes me is a goody. Does that make me the centre of the universe?
Caius: It most certainly does not.
Bella: Haven't you noticed. Me, Jacob and Edward hold the spotlight. Anything else that might be interesting is only hinted at.
Aro lets go of Alice's hand.
Aro: Well, if you stay here Alice predicts that Edward will be torn apart by Jane several times before she finally managed to light him on fire as well. Alice will kill Jane for that, and we will have to deal with a depressed and moaning Bella. Alec will be unable to keep her senseless because of her shield, so we all have to put up with her. As that is the case, I will allow you to leave now. However, we in the Volturi will see you again soon.
Bella: Ooh, ooh, ooh, can you give away some spoilers. I could of course ask Alice who had the vision to begin with, but it just seems better to do it now because you seem to want me for something… I'm not sure whether that makes you good or bad… oh right, you failed to kill my love when he came here begging for death. Also you are sort of terrifying looking. Therefore you will now be the main antagonists in this series.
Jane: So I'm an antagonist because I hate you?
Bella: Yup. That is how it works. I told all of you that before. You having the power of torture also does not do much to give you sympathy.
Jane: You are aware that I never once asked for my power. I sort of had it when I was human, and Alec and I were still known as the witch twins. The villagers burned us on the stake but Aro intervened just before we were killed. Then there was the turning. I do not really make anybody suffer worse pain than I have suffered. Everybody avoids me because they are afraid of me, and Aro only uses me. The only person that really likes me is my twin, and vice versa.
Bella: No, don't tell me any of that. I can't hear anything that will make you a sympathetic character. This series needs an antagonist, I told you.
Jane: I want to kill Edward.
Bella: There we go. Everybody hates again now and feels no sympathy.
Aro: Jane, Bella, that is enough. As for the spoilers: anybody who has been paying any attention would notice that the Cullens killed Victoria's mate James, and vampires don't get over something like that.
Bella: What does that mean?
Felix: Seriously, nobody tell her. I wonder how long it would take her to figure it out.
Bella: Figure what out?
Aro: It's no fun if I tell you the very obvious plot twist now; it will spoil the surprise. Now, I suggest you be on your way. Heidi is fast approaching.
Heidi comes through the door just as Bella, Edward and Alice leave. Screaming echoes out of the room.
Bella: I'm screaming here as well because for the first time and only time in the series I actually care too much about what is done to other people.
Edward: Oh my god, poor Bella. She's going hysterical.
Alice: That's because she cannot deal with anything at all.
Edward: We have to get her out of here. Let's go home.
They head back to Forks.
Jacob: Okay, I know that I am not meant to be here either, but whenever the plot gets slow I turn up. Here, see my abs again. I also turn into a very fake looking special effects wolf, but it's my awesome good looks that get the cash in.
Bella: Good for you, Jake. I went to see the Vampire Mafia.
Jacob: Really? Where were they? Do I have to be on guard?
Bella: Probably not. They are the Volturi, the Italian vampires that are sort of the royalty.
Jacob: Why are they known as the Vampire Mafia? Is it just because they are Italian? That seems sort of racist to me.
Bella: I don't know. It's a common nickname.
Jacob: Really?
Bella: Apparently so. I hadn't really heard it until recently.
The End.
Seriously, I read that recently. I don't see how the Volturi are the Vampire Mafia, or most of the time why they are even the baddies. Carlisle says that they aren't in Breaking Dawn, and he is meant to be one of the good guys. Don't blame me that this doesn't follow the story one hundred per cent, this is a parody. I hope you enjoyed reading it, and don't forget to hit the review button (and the follow and favourite ones while you are at it). This this meant to be a one shot, but I might do Eclipse or make a follow up or something if it is popular or I feel like it, so don't be surprised if this continues. Maybe. Let's just see what happens. XD