Private Conversations
This story takes place after the Fourth Great Shinobi War. Assume that Kabuto and company were defeated. Sasuke's status really doesn't matter to this story, but since I am one for happy endings (no matter how unlikely they sometimes are), let's say that Sasuke was recovered and is no longer a dick. I know, I know, completely impossible, but hey—this is my damn story, and that is how I want it! DEAL!
1. Kakashi's Sex Life (and other well kept secrets)
It was a beautiful summer night in Downtown Konoha. The moon was a large, glowing lantern in a flawless navy sky. Haphazard shanties and family owned businesses boomed with good commerce and high spirits. Shinobi and citizens alike crowded the streets, eager to experience the pleasant evening for what it was. The war had brought plenty of hard times for everyone; the people of Konoha not only appreciated this night, but thoroughly deserved it.
As deserving as any, Kakashi Hatake strolled casually down a dark side street, enjoying the silence of the residential area, its inhabitants out on the town for the night. Deep in thought, he closed his eyes as a refreshing burst of summer breeze frisked his face. Whatever he was thinking about must have been pleasing; as the breeze passed, Kakashi opened his exposed eye, a smile forming on his masked face. He continued down the dark street, nearing a dim intersection. Kakashi peered an indifferent glance down the adjacent alley, suspecting to see little of significance. To his surprise, he spotted Naruto Uzumaki, sitting on a small bench at the butt of the alleyway. Curious (and legitimately concerned) as to why his "social butterfly" of a student was being so uncharacteristically introverted, Kakashi turned down the alley and approached his pupil.
Despite the detached look on his face, Naruto spotted his teacher from a distance. "Hey, Kakashi-Sensei," Naruto greeted him. His voice was gruff, much quieter than usual; it was obvious that it had been a while since he'd said anything at all. "Hello, Naruto," Kakashi replied, warmly. He honestly cared for the kid; he hated to see him brooding alone, especially on such a perfect night. It was just so unlike him. Kakashi stated his concern, "Why aren't you at Ichiraku's with Shikamaru and Choji? You'd mentioned that they'd invited you, yesterday". Kakashi thought of the bared excitement on his student's face just one night before, when he'd bumped into his teacher on his way to the Hokage Tower. Naruto's face fell, despite an obvious attempt to maintain a neutral expression. "Yeah, I just… didn't really feel like going tonight."
Naruto's poker face was terrible; there was a considerable pain in his eyes; his lips pursed tightly together, as if to hold in his emotion. Kakashi took a seat next to his weary student. The rickety, old bench squeaked as he parked. Never one to beat around the bush, Kakashi cut to the chase. "What's bothering you, Naruto?" "Naruto looked to the ground. His sapphire eyes burned as he tried to send words to his mouth. His chest heaved a heavy breath and he grabbed the bench for support. Again, it creaked. "Well… uhmm…," Naruto stuttered. The kid was never one for words, and Kakashi knew it. This was when the conversation took a turn that surprised both participants. "Kakashi," Naruto stammered, "tell me about my dad- about Minato". Now a heavy breath was taken by Kakashi. He wasn't expecting this; he honestly had no idea what to say. Ever since he'd been assigned as Naruto's teacher, he had imagined that a question like this might come into play, yet now that it was here… he wasn't the least bit prepared.
He looked over to see Naruto's pleading eyes. The kid deserved an answer, and Kakashi was really the only person who could do Minato any justice in words. As much as he wanted to avoid opening himself up, Kakashi knew that he owed it to his sensei, as well as to his student, to have this conversation. Kakashi cleared his throat, "well," he started, "your dad was the coolest person I've ever met". Utterly unsatisfied, (and reasonably so, quit being a puss, Kakashi) Naruto made quite a derisive response, "yeah, he was the Hokage. I get that. I didn't ask you about some magical warrior hero of village folklore," Naruto rolled his eyes, "I asked you about your sensei, sensei. Tell me— was he as mental as mine?" A much needed smile cracked Naruto's previously sullen face. He'd heard all about his father's noble exploits. He'd grown up hearing stories of his unparalleled prowess as the village's greatest leader. None of those stories were what Naruto needed to hear tonight. No, Kakashi was going to have to grow a pair and get a little personal here.
Aware that holding back wasn't going to be an option, Kakashi reluctantly described his adored sensei, awakening a passion that was completely void of his typically lethargic demeanor; it really caught Naruto off guard. Kakashi's dark eyes too ignited, "he was so level headed, always able to assess the situation. He never…" Kakashi's voice broke slightly. Thinking of his hero, Minato-Sensei, still caused him pain, even after all these years. "He never made mistakes, at least none that I can recall. But he wasn't stuck up! He was…" Kakashi looked over to his attentive student. Naruto replied with an encouraging smile. Kakashi smiled too, "Really, kid… your daddy was a fucking super hero." Naruto beamed, aware that Kakashi never said anything that he did not wholeheartedly mean. Kakashi's eyes became somewhat dreamy, roaming the deep sky in search for long disregarded memories.
"All of the girls loved him," Kakashi remarked. "He was… well… I mean… attractive, strong, funny, respectable… there wasn't anything not to like about him!" Naruto was amused to observe a trace of flush on the exposed part of his sensei's face. Seriously, Kakashi was not one to dish out compliments, he must have freaking worshipped Minato. Naruto prodded, "Oooooohhh, and how did he react to all the female affection?"
Kakashi's face immediately fell to an amused scowl. "The guy might as well of been wearing a chastity belt," he replied dryly. "You're not just saying that because he's my dad, are you," Naruto demanded. "I have no reason to lie to you, Naruto. He only ever had eyes for your mother, and that's the truth," Kakashi assured. "Oh man, what a prude! I should have known… Just like my sensei!" Naruto remarked as he let out a delighted howl. Kakashi reacted with feigned offense, "A prude? I have a sex life. Quite a healthy one if I do say so myself." At this Naruto's face glazed with horror. He didn't sugar coat his reaction, "ewwww! With who? Gross…" Naruto was (perhaps oddly, yet unquestionably) deeply interested.
Kakashi sported a devious expression, one Naruto had never seen before. Kakashi wasn't entirely comfortable relaying his sexual exploits with the kid, but he knew that Naruto was dealing with some considerably harmful emotional shit. Breaking the ice in this way, however awkward and bizarre it might be, was a viable way to ease the kid's stress level. "Well… Anko, and…" Kakashi became reasonably uncomfortable, but he'd already started speaking before he could second guess his words, "well, Asuma, once…" With that, Naruto nearly fell off the bench, "WHAT?" (Even when faced with a deep existential quandary, the thought of gay sex sends the kid into fits of utter hysteria. Really makes one wonder… was Sasuke ever more than a friend?).
Kakashi sighed, "We were on a long mission in the Land of Waves with A LOT of down time. We were both getting a bit on edge," Naruto's look of disgust didn't falter; Kakashi started getting somewhat defensive, "I mean, Asuma was very tense and I was pretty bored, so… we tried it out," Kakashi paused, however Naruto's continued silence told him that he needed to further elaborate for his mortified pupil. "It wasn't sexually gratifying for either of us, and if he were alive, Asuma'd kick my ass for ever mentioning this to anyone". With that obvious attempt at justification, Naruto smiled secretively, "yeah, I'd never try it with a dude; I don't care how horny I get!" Kakashi scoffed, "to each their own, kiddo. I wouldn't do it again, but I'm not particularly ashamed of what I've done. Don't rule out anything until you've tried it."
Kakashi fell silent for a moment, not sure if he should pursue the question heavy on his mind. Ahh, what the hell, the conversation could not possibly become more awkward than it already is, he decided. "So, Naruto… what about you and Hinata? Are you guys a… thing?" Naruto blushed, "well… we've gone on dates. But… Kakashi-sensei, I'm a gentleman! I will never lay a hand on her until I know she's ready. I mean… I'm not even sure I'm ready… it's just," Naruto looked down again. Kakashi realized that he hit a sore spot with the boy, so eased the situation, "Naruto, I once was terrified about sexuality too. When I was your age, I hadn't even kissed a girl".
At this information, Naruto showed obvious relief. "Really? When was your first kiss, sensei?" Kakashi smirked, "well, I was 21 years old. You see, Anko was pretty direct in her flirting. She made it clear that she was interested in me. I was completely terrified, but… well, if it wasn't Anko's death threats, it must have been my belated hormones, finally kicking in. Nature took its course, Naruto, we started out slow, but… that didn't satisfy our 'urges' for long…" Kakashi's face assumed the same, creepy smile from before; Naruto winced. "OKAY SENSEI, that's enough! I asked about your first kiss, not your first porno!" Rolling his eyes, Kakashi assured, "Naruto, we never made a porno! I'm merely saying that, you needn't worry so much about love and dating. It will happen. I promise. And when it does, you will be comfortable with it. Let your natural inclinations take their course. Your body will know what to do when the time comes".
Kakashi's explanation seemed to ease Naruto quite a bit. With that, Kakashi reclined drowsily. Both shinobi gazed up at the giant moon, collecting their thoughts (or perhaps envisioning their sensei's homosexual escapades- either way).
"Well, that got weird, quick," Naruto laughed, leaning on his sensei's ninja vest. Kakashi made something like a laugh, "yeah… You know," he adjusted his arm on the top edge of the bench, behind his treasured pupil's shoulders. In a fatherly way? "Your dad took me in after my dad… well, you know about my dad, right?" Naruto nodded, "yeah, he killed himself". Kakashi's chest immediately tensed at his response. Naruto paused, unsure if his wording was too harsh. Naruto's small panic soon subsided, as Kakashi soon exhaled and began breathing normally again. Kakashi hadn't taken offense to his brashness, "yeah, and I was pretty young. I was lucky that your dad took me under his wing… That's one reason why I'm glad I was able to be your teacher, Naruto. Your dad saved me from… well, a pretty dark depression." Naruto looked into his aggrieved sensei's dark eyes, "Kakashi… I'm really glad you were my teacher too," Naruto breathed. There was potentially more to be said, but he knew there was no need to get too mushy, Kakashi might puke. The sensei and pupil locked eyes, sharing an unspoken understanding of their cooperative love and respect. With that, another thoughtful silence ensued.
"Hey sensei, was my dad funny?" It was an unforeseen question, Kakashi considered. "Nope, not really. He appreciated a good joke, I mean, Jiraiya was his teacher, after all— but he was never a particularly funny guy. Your mom, she was… I'm not sure if funny is the right word… she was interesting, definitely interesting". Kakashi petted Naruto's head, "You're a hell of a lot like her, you know?" Naruto glowed at the comparison, but then soaked in his sensei's entire statement, with a juvenile scowl. "What the hell, you don't think I'm funny?" Kakashi grinned beneath his mask, "Well, sure, but I don't think you mean to be" Naruto folded his arms in a pout, "don't you patronize me, sensei! You take that mask off now and face me— as a MAN!" With that, Naruto's cheeks immediately flushed.
Kakashi was thoroughly amused by Naruto's childish assertion, and even more amused by his apparent fear at the thought of his teacher's response to such an outburst. Kakashi looked his pupil in the eyes, "I'm shocked that you and your weird team mates never asked me to take off my mask. You know, many of my Jounin comrades were making bets about the whole deal, how long it would take you guys to crack". Naruto looked genuinely surprised, "really?" Kakashi nodded, "Yeah… I mean, didn't you guys even talk about it? Were you scared to ask me, or did you just not really give a shit?" At that, Naruto considered, "well, I mean, we did talk about it, but—it's not that we were scared to ask, you know? We just… didn't".
Kakashi nodded, "Yeah, I'm not exactly a sociable guy; a good time probably just didn't make itself available." Still, everyone else in the village freaking asked me… Kakashi considered, recalling various death threats and espionage attempts at his life. Naruto didn't skip a beat, "so… can I see your face?" Kakashi groaned, "ohh, alright. It's nothing to write home about, you know. I just don't like for people to be able to read my emotions. I wear a mask to look mysterious, not to hide a weird face. We are ninja, after all…" Naruto wasn't listening; he truly had a one track mind. With a defeated shrug, Kakashi reached behind his neck, untying his mask and revealing an attractive, boyish jawline. "See?" Kakashi smiled— however, to Naruto, it looked entirely different than it ever had before. His small face revealed, Kakashi looked… human.
Naruto's eyes grew wide with utter amazement. "Whoa—cool!" The kid was practically giddy. "Sensei, how many people have seen you without your mask?" a quizzical look cultivated Naruto's already astonished face. "Well," Kakashi considered, "my dad, my old team mate, Rin, uhmm…" Naruto waited for Kakashi to continue, but he didn't. Naruto stammered, "That's it, not even Anko?" Kakashi assured, "No, not even Anko," he reasoned, "I'd show her if she asked, but she just hasn't ever asked me to. I think she's scared that she won't find me attractive anymore, once she sees," Kakashi winked (well, since his sharingan was covered by his head-guard, it looked more like a blink). Naruto nodded, yeah, I guess that makes sense. "Well, what about Rin? Were you guys really close or something?" Again, with his foot in his mouth, Naruto wondered if he hadn't hit a particularly sensitive spot for his sensei, but Kakashi showed no discomfort. "We were team mates, nothing more significant than that," Kakashi laughed, recalling the countless times he'd gotten on Naruto for his innate lack of teamwork, "Naruto, you might find this hard to believe, but I was the worst team player ever, back then."
Naruto wasn't convinced. "Yeah right, Kakashi—you're just being hard on yourself. Everyone knows that you're a total bad ass!" Kakashi frowned, "yeah, and that was the problem. I knew that I was a 'bad ass', and so I didn't respect or acknowledge the talents and worth of my team mates," Kakashi's face grew quite serious; Naruto felt the self-remorse in his sensei's words. "Naruto—I made some really bad mistakes, mistakes that I never deserve to be forgiven for. It is because of my arrogance that my honorable team mate, Obito Uchiha, died on the battlefield that day—".
Kakashi's lip trembled, ever so slightly. If he were wearing his mask, the small facial movement would have been undetectable. Naruto bit his lip, desperately wanting to comfort his teacher, "Kakashi, you were a kid, right? You honestly can't expect yourself to be perfect!" Kakashi shook his head, "but Sensei was—". Naruto's eye's widened at his sensei's candid hero worship. He'd never seen Kakashi like this, not even close.
Kakashi hadn't intended on turning this into self-loathing hour, he felt a bit ashamed at his juvenile little outburst. After taking a short moment to collect himself, he continued his explanation. "Well—basically, I was left in charge of my squad while sensei progressed ahead. I had just been deemed a Jounin, and because of my superior ranking, I pretty much felt that I called all the shots," Kakashi smirked at Naruto, "I was such a fucking idiot, kid. Like you wouldn't believe…"
Naruto punched his sensei in the gut, "Come on, dude! Give yourself a break!" Kakashi didn't even attempt to dodge the punch, or really acknowledge it. Instead, he simply continued explaining the events of that fateful day. "Our team was on our way to The Kannabi Bridge. Basically, as part of the war effort, we were assigned to destroy this bridge, over which weaponry and shinobi were being transported into the Land of Fire. The task should have been simple enough for our three ninja squad, cooperatively… that is, if we functioned cooperatively," Kakashi reflected.
"Through my inconsiderate leadership, Rin was abducted by enemy ninja from the Land of Earth," Kakashi winced, but Naruto must have been in fantasy land. He stared in blind wonder at his beloved sensei, "Whoa! Well, you saved her and swept her off her feet, right?" Kakashi shook his head disapprovingly, "Nope. I wanted to carry on with the mission. Obito wanted to go back for her, but I was a fool. You see… I valued the mission's success over the lives of my own comrades," Kakashi explained, entirely ashamed.
"Sensei…" Naruto began, "I don't understand…" Kakashi nodded, "Naruto, my father became hated because he once valued his comrades lives over the success of a mission. Unable to withstand the shame, he took his own life. I didn't… I could not be like him. Back then… I thought that I hated him." Kakashi's pain was blatantly obvious; Naruto remained solemn and focused on Kakashi's words. Kakashi shook his head, "In reality, I was just hurting. I didn't understand what he did, all I really knew was that it hurt me, and so I vowed to take the opposite course of action than what he would have taken. I valued the mission over my comrade, because I couldn't bear the pain of being like him."
Naruto tilted his head, "I don't really understand why people hated your dad for what he did. I mean, I probably would have done the same thing…" Naruto spoke quietly, as if to lessen the blow his words might create. He'd never spoken this frankly with his teacher; he was unsure how to gauge his reactions. Kakashi acknowledged his student's criticism, "And you'd be doing the right thing; my dad did the right thing. However—I did not. I left Rin to die for the sake of the mission. Obito begged me to turn back; I refused. He became so damned fed up with my selfish antics that he left to find Rin on his own." Kakashi paused, reflecting the tale as it played out, "I might have been a child prodigy, but even I knew that I could never face the opponents at the bridge single-handedly. I chased after Obito. I'd finally, sort of came to my senses—but it was too late. Kakashi looked at Naruto, his face looked utterly exhausted. He was through sharing details, and Naruto knew better than to pry at this point. "My right eye was obliterated by the enemy's blade, Obito was impaled by a giant boulder, Rin was saved.
Rin performed ocular surgery on me, so, she removed the mask for that," Kakashi explained. "Why did she have to remove your mask for eye surgery?" Naruto asked. "Eh, she really didn't have to, I suppose. Maybe she just thought it was a good opportunity to see my face, I don't know…"
The two sat in silence for another brief stretch. Breaking the quiet, Kakashi returned to the story, "So, half of Obito's face wasn't crushed, and… he gave me his intact sharingan, as a gift." Kakashi touched his head band, "this is Obito's eye…"
Naruto gave Kakashi a doubtful look, "Rin did that? She surgically implanted Obito's eye into your eye socket?" Kakashi nodded. Naruto was not at all convinced, "How the hell did a little girl know how to perform a total eye transplant anyway, sensei? Was she some kind of child prodigy, master surgeon?" Kakashi assured, "No, she was not particularly outstanding. The whole situation makes my head spin too, Naruto. I'm honestly not sure how she was able to perform such an advanced surgery, and outside of a hospital no less." Kakashi paused, "Life is strange like that; a lot of times, it doesn't make any sense, but I'm sure that you know that much." Naruto nodded, "yeah, yes I do…"
The duo rested on the bench a bit longer, enjoying the glorious, summer night, as well as each other's esteemed presence. A nearby streetlight started to flicker, it's flashing orange glow bringing the present world back into their focus. Kakashi grabbed his mask, tying it so that it once again concealed his face. He looked over at his silly, blonde student. "Well kiddo, it's getting quite late. We'll both need our beauty sleep to complete our missions in the morning." Naruto smirked, "Ya sure there isn't just some gay guy back home you're jonesing to bang?" Kakashi cringed, "I'm going to regret sharing that with you, aren't I?" Naruto's face went serious, "No! I'm just kidding, sensei," Naruto grabbed Kakashi's shoulder, "It means a lot to me that you stopped to make sure I was ok…" his voice broke a bit, "I know you're busy…" Kakashi opened his mouth to encourage the kid, but Naruto beat him to it with a huge laugh. "Heh-heh! See you tomorrow, sensei! We should go get ramen sometime soon! You're paying!" Kakashi smiled, "I don't know… shinobi cannot live on ramen alone. Perhaps something more substantial would be best." Naruto winced, "WHAT ARE YOU, MY MOM? Ramen is the only sustenance I need to become (yep, you know what's coming) the world's BEST shinobi!" Naruto proceeded to lose himself in his boyish fantasy, "When I'm Hokage, trust me, ramen will be the base of Konoha's dietary pyramid!" Kakashi rolled his eyes. Relieved to see his student return to the hyperactive moron he'd grown to know and love, Kakashi patted Naruto on the head and said, "See you tomorrow, kid". With that, he 'poofed' to an unknown location. Naruto stared at the cloud of smoke until it dissipated. He smiled to himself, and proclaimed aloud, "Dad, I'm gonna make you proud, BELIEVE IT!"
Naruto looked once again at the giant moon, as if it confirmed his father's approval. Pleased, he made his way back to his apartment. His mind clear, Naruto knew he'd be able to sleep sound tonight.
So, what did you think? My intention is to write many chapters to this. They will all take place at various times between various people. Basically, they are just conversations that take place as fan service, but are in no way essential to the plot.
Kinda goofy, but fandom is like that.