A/N: Complete and utter crack. This was actually inspired by a dream, which just goes to show that you shouldn't (should?) marathon the Amazing Race and then watch a Game of Thrones youtube video right before bed.
Not sure if I can sustain this for long (it's awfully hard to write something that is so inherently visual!) but I may come back and poke at it now and then.
Because of George Martin's feelings on fanfiction, this is technically based on the show, not the books. Which affects almost nothing, except possibly some physical appearances.
If someone wants to photoshop me a picture of "Ser Filip" in some sweet GoT clothes, I would pretty much love you forever. ;D
"I'm standing at the Great Sept of Baelor, the religious heart of King's Landing," Ser Filip Kogan intoned. "This ancient temple is the beginning of a race around the continent. Carriages are transporting the eleven teams to the starting line now. Each team is made up of two people with a special relationship. The teams are…
"Jaime and Cersei, twins, originally from Casterly Rock but living in King's Landing." A smiling blonde man in plain but high-quality shirt and breeches turned to give his hand to his sister. She was far more elegantly dressed and wore more of a smirk than a smile, but there was no mistaking that the two were related. They sauntered casually toward Ser Filip.
"Jaime and I have always been very close," Cersei explained. "Our relationship is very difficult to describe to others. But he would do anything for me."
"We both enjoy the physical side of things," Jaime continued. "Just because we come from money doesn't mean we're afraid to get our hands dirty. I was the youngest knight ever appointed to the Kingsguard, and Cersei…Well, Cersei always wished she was a boy," he laughed.
"Ned and Catelyn, married sixteen years, from Winterfell." A rugged man, sweating under the heavy fabric of his clothing, helped his wife from the carriage. Her red hair spilled over her simple blue dress, a small silver fish decorating the neck. They jogged toward the starting line.
"I was originally engaged to Ned's brother," Catelyn explained, "but when Brandon died, Ned had to fulfill the contract. We're very happy together, though. He's given me five beautiful children and he's a wonderful father. I wouldn't trade him for all the gold in Casterly Rock."
"Catelyn's tough," Ned boasted. "She's from the South and I worried about her, at first, up North. It's a hard life. But she took to it. She won't have a problem with this race."
"Jon and Sam, friends and Night's Watchmen, from Castle Black." An enormously fat young man dressed all in black struggled to squeeze himself out of the carriage. Stumbling, he was followed by a serious, curly-haired youth with a wispy mustache. They ran to the others, the fat one lagging behind.
"Jon and I met in the Night's Watch," Sam explained, smiling nervously. "We haven't known each other that long, really, but we're brothers in the black, so that's a pretty strong bond."
"Sam's a bit rubbish with running, honestly," Jon shrugged. "But I've been training him to fight and he's coming along. And there's no one smarter; he's always reading a book. Between us we should do all right."
"Daenarys and Jorah, friends, from Pentos." A middle-aged man in patched clothing swung a beautiful teenage girl down from the carriage, her silver hair swinging gracefully behind her. He grinned at her and she smiled tightly back at him, grabbing her satchel and running for Ser Filip as he tried to catch up.
"Ser Jorah is a faithful friend and bodyguard," Daenarys stated firmly. "He has been very kind to me and I could ask for no better protector and advisor."
"This race is an opportunity for me to get closer to Daenarys as an equal," Jorah explained. "Perhaps she will begin to see how good of a partner I can be."
"Tyrion and Bronn, friends, from King's Landing." A tall, rough-looking man stepped out of the carriage and placed a stool under the door. A dwarf followed, climbing onto the stool and to the ground with as much dignity as his body allowed. They walked deliberately toward the starting point.
"Of course they will underestimate us," Tyrion laughed bitterly. "I am a dwarf, and Bronn is only here because I'm paying him. They're probably right, too."
"He's pretty smart, that one," Bronn mused. "Pity he looks like that. But as long as he keeps the money coming, I'll stick around."
"Bronn's name is highly appropriate," Tyrion explained, slurring slightly. "He is very strong. And I am incredibly intelligent. So perhaps we have a chance after all."
"Balon and Theon, father and son, from the Iron Islands." A pasty teenager poked his head out of the carriage before being yanked back inside and replaced by an angry man with stringy grey hair. He clambered out, strutting toward the other teams before his son had even managed to get out of the carriage.
"I was sent to live at Winterfell when I was six," Theon explained. "So this is kind of an opportunity for my father and I to reconnect. I want to prove to him that I'm worthy of being an Iron Islander, and his son."
"Theon got soft up North," Balon groused. "Doesn't know how to pay the iron price. I think he'll lose us this stupid race."
"Stannis and Renly, brothers, from Storm's End." A handsome bearded man disembarked, smiling and waving as his dour brother emerged behind him.
"Stannis is such a bore," Renly laughed. "But he knows how to get things done. I'm just hoping he doesn't make a bad impression on the other racers. I'd like to make friends."
"Renly cares too much about making friends," Stannis stated blandly. "He doesn't care about winning. We deserve to win this race but Renly might much it all up."
"Joffrey and Sansa, engaged, from King's Landing." A blonde boy in a beautiful red and gold doublet lifted a pretty red-haired girl from the carriage, smiling at her as she giggled. They held hands and jogged toward Ser Filip.
"Sansa is very beautiful," Joffrey bragged. "And as long as she does what I say, we'll win. We're young, so we'll beat all those old people easily. People think I can't do anything by myself because I've always got my sworn sword with me. Well, the Hound isn't here now, is he? They'll see what I can do. Me and Lion's Tooth. That's my sword."
"Joffrey is very gallant," Sansa gushed. "He's the perfect prince. I'm very lucky to be marrying him. I hope this race will allow us to get to know one another better. I don't want to let Joffrey down."
"Petyr and Varys, colleagues, from King's Landing." The duo looked almost engineered to be as comically opposite as possible. Both well-dressed, the fat, bald one wore a flowing yellow robe, while the skinny, goateed one wore a more traditional surcoat. They walked slowly toward the starting line, ignoring each other.
"Littlefinger and I serve on the king's small council together," Varys said in a high, soft voice. "We're not exactly what you might call 'friends,' though I daresay we find one another useful in many ways."
"Lord Varys is a cunning man," Petyr admitted. "But so am I. Secrets are our stock-in-trade, and both of us are entirely used to being underestimated. In fact, I would say we depend upon it."
"Syrio and Arya, teacher and pupil, from King's Landing." A dark, curly-haired man with a goatee leaped nimbly out of the carriage, followed only slightly less gracefully by a young girl dressed in boys' clothing. They ran smoothly to the other teams.
"Syrio is my…dancing master," Arya explained, smiling slightly. "He's a very good teacher and I'm learning fast. I think we make a good team."
"Swift as deer, calm as still water, strong as bears," Syrio said. "This is our strategy. Every leg, what do we say to the god of elimination? 'Not today.'"
"Bran and Hodor, friends, from Winterfell." A large man stepped from the carriage, smiling uncertainly. In a harness on his back sat a small boy, wincing and rubbing his head from where it had smacked the carriage door. He pointed, and the large man started shuffling toward Ser Filip.
"After my accident, Hodor's been my legs," Bran explained. "He may not be the brightest candle in the kitchen, but he's strong and very reliable. Other teams will see me as a cripple, and him as a simpleton, but together we make a good team."
"Hodor," Hodor said.
Ser Filip concluded dramatically, raising an eyebrow and speaking seriously. "Can these couples withstand the stress of traveling together? Will the other teams become friends, or enemies? Who will muster the right combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork to win the one million dragons? These are the questions that will be answered on…The Amazing Race: Westeros."