It Wasn't Funny, Really, It Wasn't
A/N: OK PEEPS, THIS IS JUST A LITTLE STORY I THOUGHT UP WHILE SITTING ON THE COUCH AND THINKING ABOUT WHAT CASTIEL WOULD DO IF HE GOT SUPER WASTED, NOTE THIS IS AN M/M PARING, DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ.
PLEASE FORGIVE ANY MISSED MISS SPELLINGS.
NOTE I DON'T OWN SUPERNATURL …..I SHALL ASK THE WRITER FOR IT FOR CHRISTMAS!
ALSO NOTE, I DON'T OWN THE GUMMY BEAR SONG, I DON'T OWN LADY GAGAS CHERRY CHERRY BOOM BOOM THINGY, OR ZAZA. I REALLY WISH I OWNED ZAZA... :( NORTONS VERSION ANYWAY.
RATING: T (M/M PARING, AND A FEW DIRTY WORDS)
WARNINGS: THIS IS A PURE CRACK FIC LOL!
ENJOY!
Cas was sitting at a random bar, waiting for Dean and Sam to meet him, they were getting ready for a hunt. Dean had told him to go there and wait, so Castiel did. What Dean had failed to notice was the tiny fact that it was a Gay Bar. Now, don't get him wrong, Castiel didn't mind, its just, he'd never been in a gay bar before, well- not without Dean anyway. So Castiel was just a little uncomfortable, Dean always sent out the singles 'Stay Away' when he was with Cas, now, now the poor angel was at the mercy of the ravenous homosexual men staring him down, imagining Lord only knew what.
And Cas meant that literally.
He looked around, saw the random pairs of men staring at him, their eyes dark and lustful. Castiel felt like he was slowly being surrounded by animals, mindless and crazed, and slowly...he was. Castiel shifted in his seat when a rather large man sat down beside him. He smiled at Castiel, it was nice, not scary, Castiel relaxed a little. The man was looking at him like a real person, not a piece of bloody freaking meat. So Cas felt just a little safe. The man smiled again, Castiel returned it.
"Um, hey." He said, he seemed nervous.
Castiel cocked his head at him. "Hello," He said, his voice rough and monotone as ever.
The man motioned to the rows of different alcoholic beverages lined on shelves before them. "Can I get you a drink?"
Castiel went to say no, but then he thought that would be rude. "If you wish." He said, the man gave him another smile and ordered.
"Two," He looked at Cas. "Scotches?" Cas thought for a moment, he'd never had Scotch before. He nodded yes. "Two Scotches please."
Castiel felt nervous again, he wanted Dean, he didn't like it when other men talked to him. He sat there and waited fro their drinks, practically ripped his from the bartenders hand and started to chug, oh, the nervous alcohol chug. The other man watched Castiel with shock, watched as the man beside him chug Scotch, wide brilliant blue eyes and all. He noted that Castiel was shaking slightly. He laughed softly and shook his head, sipping his own drink. Castiel put his empty glass back down.
"You'd better slow down, Mr. ?" He said, cocking a brow.
Castiel licked his lips. "Castiel."
"Dan," the other man said, Castiel cocked a brow.
"Um, how on earth did you just chug Scotch?" Dan asked.
Castiel cocked his head at him. "Does it bother you?" He said, his beautiful blue eyes narrowed with confusion.
Dan shook his head no. "Na, just never seen anyone do that before, not so much at one time anyway."
Castiel let out a small 'aahhh'. "Another please." He said as the bartender walked by.
Dan watched with amazement as Castiel chugged another, then after that another. Their conversation broken at random points by the Castiel's consumption of drinks. Drink after drink Dan offered to Castiel, the drinks amounting to five large Scotchs, six Margaritas, three Bloody Mary's, six Vodkas, and Eight beers. Now Castiel was wasted. The poor angel just didn't handle stress well. And now, he was in the middle of the gar bar preaching about his Father, and holding onto the pool table for support. His body swaying horribly back and forth. But the saddest part, the men in the bar were all engulfed in Castiel's story's.
Dan watched in shock as Castiel stumbled back to the counter, and smacked a hand down on it and yelled for another drink, adding a little please after the gruff demand.
"Um, Castiel, I think you've had enough." He said, and watched as Castiel leaned toward him, his big blue eyes half lidded.
"I am's fine." He slurred, swaying slightly to the side.
Dan leaned in closer. "Castiel, you can barely talk, maybe I should take you back to your place."
Castiel shot back a a bit. "Excuse meee?" Castiel said, his voice rising to a higher pitch.
Dan was starting to make his real motives clear, Castiel noted- even through his drunken haze. "Well, I don't think you should be alone, not like this." He said, reaching out a hand and placing it on Castiel's shoulder, kneading it in his palm.
Castiel's eyes grew unrealistically and insanely large, then slowly moved over to the big hand on his shoulder. Without breaking eye contact on Dan's hand, Cas made his rebuttal.
"I am's vury uncomfortable...now." Castiel slurred to the hand, his large blue eyes moving to Dan's, his body softly jerked with a hiccup, his hair a rustled mess.
Dan cocked a brow. "Let me take you home." He said, his grip tightening slightly.
"You's need to takeen you hands off...all one, two-all four of em'." Castiel said, he hiccuped again, his body moved like a wave.
Dan looked at him with a puzzled look, then leaned in to steal a kiss, to which Castiel answered with a fist to Dan's cheek. Castiel stumbled away in circles, then he bumped into something hard. Castiel went to push off, fear bubbling up in small intervals through his drunken haze. He fought against the hands that were now wrapped around his wrist, his eyes were closed in fear, drunkenness, and consecration. However hestopped struggling when the other body grunted.
The noise, Cas knew who's grunt that was. He slowly opened his eyes, the blue orbs shinning and glazed over. Dean looked down at him, a look of concern painted thoroughly onto his face. His beautiful green hazel eyes locked onto Castiel, who was now starting to lean into him. Castiel gave a yelp when he was suddenly jerked away from Dean. He grabbed for him, Dan's grip however, it was just to much for the poor wasted angel slowly turning human. Dean looked at Dan with a look that put even the devil to shame.
"What the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend?" Dean snarled, Castiel answered for Dan.
"He was gonna fuck me Dean." Castiel slurred, stumbling and falling into Dean as the other man let go of him.
If the circumstances would have been different, Dean would have busted out laughing, but knowing that Cas was drunk off his ass and some man was after him, he couldn't. He was way to pissed. He threw a fist into the Dan's already bruised jaw, then another, and another. Then he picked him up by his shirt collar, off his feet, and slammed him down onto a table. The glasses breaking and splintering into Dan's back. The man gave a shout, then managed, by the grace of God himself, to push Dean off. He bolted out of the bar, Dean running after him.
"Get back here you little shit! I smash in your fucking dick in and then we'll see how bad you want screw my boyfriend!" Dean screamed, throwing a thick empty glass he'd grabbed while running after Dan.
It missed, it hit Sam. He fell down, blood pouring from his nose. Dan got away, and Dean had to carry Castiel back to the Impala, Sam cursing Dean as he went.
~0o0o~
Dean sped down the road, completely forgetting about the hunt, it could wait. Castiel was wasted, half passed out in the back, Dean's blood pressure was through the roof, and Sam's nose was defiantly broken. Said younger brother looked to Dean and cocked a brow, the blood had stopped following but his nose was swelled and discolored.
"Why did you hit me in the face with a glass?" He asked, tenderly touching his nose.
Dean gave him a small glace. "I didn't mean to, the guy I was aiming for dodged it. Stop being a pussy."
Sam shot Dean a glare, but looked back at Castiel when he heard the angel move. He let his mouth drop as he was the angel get to his knees and turn around, his back facing them, and started drawing on the back glass of the Impala. He drew a smiley face rainbow, a giraffe, then a -what looked like- pregnant baboon. Then he wrote in big bubble letters, 'Dena and Castlei foreveah!'
Sam let the howl of laughter rip from his throat. "Dean! Dean he's so wasted he can't even spell his own name, or yours!" Sam managed on a breath.
Dean struggled not to laugh, this was serious, not funny, no not funny. Not funny at all.
But oh damn, Cas started singing Gummy Bear, Dean's eyes filled with tears. He screamed with laughter, slowing the car down, Castiel was dancing int the back of the Impala, his hands above his head and he pumped them up and down, his palms sometimes hitting the roof and the car.
"Oh I'm am a gummy bear, yes I'm a gummy bear!" Castiel sang loudly.
Dean turned teary eyes over to Sam. "Where the hell did he ever hear the gummy bear song?" Dean cried.
Sam drew in a strangled breath. "I don't know!" He put his face in his hands and snorted with laughter.
Castiel's arms were suddenly around Dean. "I'ama your gummy bear Dean!"
Dean through his head back in now painful laughter. "You can bited me three times!" Cas sung happily.
Sam's face was covered in tears, his chest heaving up and down, his sides felt like they were on fire. Dean tried to stop laughing, poor Cas didn't know what he was doing right now, he needed help, Dean really shouldn't have been laughing. But...
"Oh!" Castiel yelled, he squinted at the window. "Cherry, cherry, boom, boom!" He quoted from Lady Gaga.
Dean pulled off the road and smashed his head into the steering-wheel. He really couldn't help it. He and Sam both turned in small worry when Castiel became quiet, they saw him sitting straight up, one eye further open than the other, his mouth slightly agape, Dean felt his worry rise.
Castiel hiccuped, then curled into a ball, putting his face into his hands and falling over in his seat. He started giggling.
"I love you Zaza!" He yelled, throwing out his arms while he was laying in the seat.
Sam actually had to get out and pee. Dean couldn't take it, he couldn't stop now even if he wanted to. Castiel had lost his mind, and Dean really wasn't to saddened by it. He just wished he would have been recording. But oh, Castiel had more surprises for them, so much more. For after Castiel announced his love to Zaza, he sat up again, then looked to Dean, his big blue puppy dog eyes pleading.
"What's wrong Cas," Dean strained, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I's need ta get out." He said with a click of his tongue.
Dean and Sam looked to each other, shrugged, and Sam got out, letting the beast free. Castiel stumbled, then after he was out of the car, he screamed and threw his arms up to Heaven, and took off running. Sam tried going after him and Dean got out and did the same, but their laughter was incapacitating them. Castiel ran past Sam and up to a near by pine-tree.
He stopped, looking at it with interest, cocking his head to the side. Sam and Dean watched as Castiel leaned in and put his nose so close to the tree he was almost touching it, then he inhaled deeply. He held the breath for a moment, then let it out in a long contented sigh.
"Fresh..." He softly breathed.
Dean and Sam looked to each other and yelled in laughter again, watching as Castiel then wrapped his arms around the tree and hugged it close, humming happy satisfaction. He moved back and forth, almost like he was dancing with the unmoving pine. Then he began whispering to it, what Dean and Sam couldn't hear, but they did make sure to get plenty of pictures.
Then, without warning, Castiel bolted from the tree, dashing past Dean and Sam, throwing his coat off as he went. It landed on Sam, covering his face and head, Sam ripped it from his face and watched as Castiel then threw off his deep blue jacket.
"Shit, he's stripping Sam, Stop him!" Dean yelled running after Castiel, who was now working on his tie and shirt.
Castiel stopped his strip efforts, and just focused on keeping Dean and Sam running. He did, the two hunters clasped to the ground after about five minutes of dead sprinting. Castiel then ran into the road, Dean screamed, and Castiel turned, looking at his now worried lover, and face planted the road. Tripping over his feet. He laid sprawled out in it, unmoving, Dean and Sam ran to him, Castiel was laying there staring at the sky, Dean and Sam both breathed in relief.
Dean picked Castiel back up, and carried him to the hood of the Impala, then he gently sat the angel down. Dean inspected Castiel, looking for injury, finding none, he smiled. It faded however when a small bus pulled off the road beside them. Castiel looked from Dean, to the opening bus doors. He jumped off the Impala and ran after the bus, screaming bloody murder. He grabbed a long stick as he ran, holding it above his head while screaming. Dean and Sam ran after him, unable to help the laughter that was burning their lungs.
Castiel jumped onto the bus's hood, climbing, Dean and Sam both noted all the screams that emerged were female. And wouldn't you guess what came out, a nun! Dean moved from in front of the bus, the side, it was a church bus filled with nuns.
"Wow," Dean breathed, then quickly turned when he heard a woman yelling.
A nun was yelling at Castiel, who was laying on top of the bus, peaking over the edge, only his eyes and up were visible. "My boy, what is wrong with you?" She scolded.
Dean rushed to her. "I'm so sorry, its - that's my brother, he's a troubled alcoholic, and he's, well- he's tipsy."
The nun looked to him surprised. "He's your brother?" She swatted a hand when Castiel started poking her with the stick.
"Yes, I'm so sorry-" Dean was cut off.
Castiel stood up, then sent the stick through the hood of the bus, screaming 'Be Gone Satin!' Dean drop his face into his hands, trying so hard not to laugh. This was fantastic, when angel's going human got drunk, they mistook nun buses for the devil. Oh for the love of all things pure.
The nun started yelling at Castiel again. "Son, get down now!"
"You'res not my mama!" Cas yelled back.
"Your mother would be very disappointed in right now, so would your father!" She yelled.
"You not ma daddy neither!" Castiel yelled, a hiccup followed after.
Sam and Dean both looked to each other, not even thinking about the nun, they both said the same words.
"Oh shit..." They ran to try and catch Castiel as he took a flying leap from the top of the bus and onto the nun, tackling her to the ground.