AN: This is ridiculously close to my heart and a lot of these emotions are raw. They've been floating around in my head a lot more that usual lately. Anyways, this one shot is written for Anti-Bullying Day so that everyone knows that Rushers are against bullying. Thank you to FootballandBTR for starting this and Anonymous Skrtle and BigTimeRush-BTR for telling me about it.
I really, really hate bullying with all my heart. It's something no one should have to go through because like this story will say, it leaves scars. They may be invisible but we always remember.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot... sigh.
Present Day
She smiles. This time it's real. There's nothing but pure happiness and self pride behind it. Every memory flashes behind her yet she stands up tall. In her silver high heels and her short purple dress, she looks around at the flashing lights and the attacking interviewers and paparazzi. Her first premiere. The smiling faces around her tell her that's she's important, that she's worth it. When all her life, horrible people told her that she wasn't, that she wasn't worthy of anything, she could almost cry at the thought of someone thinking that she was worth it.
An arm slides around her waist. Logan. He squeezes her waist, reassuring her. She relaxes under his touch, feeling safe and sound in his arms. He looks equally great, she notices. Clad in a a navy blue button down, a black blazer and black slacks, she couldn't help but fall in love with him just a little more.
"You're amazing, baby, don't be nervous," he whispers softly in her ear, his lips just barely brushing over the top of her ear, sending shivers down her spine.
Hearing it made it even more real. If she weren't in public, she would have attacked him in a hug right then and there. Instead, she wraps her arms around his waist, nestling closer to him. "Thank you."
For once she doesn't protest, making him see that she's really not. She still knows that she's not amazing. There are wounds in her heart. Scars. Ones that will never go away and constantly make her question herself.
"I'm proud of you," he whispers, just low enough so only she can hear. He tenderly kisses her forehead before taking her hand and walking down the red carpet with her.
Despite the fact that she has just about every person hounding her, she can't help but have every memory flash through her head.
"What do you think you're doing, Roberts?" the girl with jet black hair, Lydia, sneers. She flips her hair over her shoulder, snickering.
"J-just sitting down," she replies softly, pulling out the chair when the girl holds in back.
Lydia laughs, tilting back her head and whispering to her friends in disgust. "The seat's taken," she tells her, plopping her books down on it.
Camille nods, feeling hurt. But she was used to it so why did it even matter anymore? She dejectedly sits at the table next to them all alone. She knew no one was going to come say anything. She knows that no one will even bother to say 'hi'. But eating lunch alone was part if her daily routine. She ate all her meals alone anyways, even at home where her parents were too busy with work to spare any time for her let alone eating meals as a family. She barely had any friends either and the ones who were actually her friends didn't even go to her school.
Taking a slow bite of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sipping her water, she glances at the group of snippy girls, whispering quietly and casting evil looks in her direction.
She huffs, trying to ignore them. But it's impossible. It's impossible to ignore or even to forget. Another scar is added to her heart.
Before she realizes it, the bell rings and it's time to go to her next class. She's the last to come in, unfortunately. That means that if she embarrasses herself, she'll be humiliated in front of her entire class. She's a bit clumsy, always tripping over everything and that always gives everyone a chance to make fun of her. She's careful, stepping over every obstacle possible until, of course, she trips over her own two feet, sending her flying to the tiled floor. She groans, pushing herself off the ground and picking up her books. Her class erupts in laughs, teasing and pointing at her accident. She knows that if she was someone like Lydia, ten different people would rush to help her but no, she was just plain Camille who was never going to worthy enough and her classmates did a good job of making sure she knew that. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Worthless. Failure. Flawed. A mistake. The list could go on forever. Each day added yet another scar to her poor heart. Each day caused more ache. She dreaded coming to school. She hated it. When she was little, she used to love it. Now everything was different. Now there was fault in everything she did. There was fault in her.
Tears come rushing to her eyes but she bites down hard down her lip, pinching the skin on her arm to stop the tears. The pain always stopped them or at least it did for a little while. She takes deep breaths, forcing herself to remain calm and not give her classmates another chance to ridicule her any more. She quietly goes to her seat, hanging her head and avoiding everyone's eyes.
She looks down at her red and irritated arm from her pinching it so hard. Then it transforms, like it has been doing lately. When she was little, that never happened. Sure it made her doleful but it never made her think less of herself. Suddenly it becomes pudgy, fat leaking from it. Hurriedly, she pulls out a mirror from her purse, glancing at it. Horrified, she gasps just quiet enough for no one to hear but herself. Bloodshot eyes caked with yellow stuff like when she woke up but could never remember the name of, and frizzy hair, practically dripping with oil. Her nose is long, almost like Pinocchio and her lips are crusty. Worst of all, her smile isn't there. Her signature smile that would appear no matter what happened. The one that she used to put on her brave face, the one that held a thousand and one mysteries. It wasn't there anymore.
She suddenly felt like screaming. No wonder everyone didn't like her. She didn't deserve to be with them... she wasn't worth it and she knew it.
She raises her hand, asking to go the the bathroom. Some people laugh but she zones them out. With her teacher's permission, she practically runs to the girls' bathroom, swinging open one of the stalls. Luckily, no one's there to see her. She's never done this before and she doesn't need anyone around right now. She sticks her finger down her throat, almost making it ache and feeling her nails scratch against the very back of her tongue. She didn't know it was going to take time. She sticks her finger further down roughly until she finally feels the bile rise. Then in one swift motion, her the little bit of lunch she ate is out. She watches the tan and purple of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich float in chunks as she reaches over and flushes the toilet.
Then it hits her. What did she just do? She gathers her knees to her chest, beginning to cry into them. She let the words of hatred get to her- something she never had expected.
Yet the day wears on and she's forced to keep her brave face on. But she was used to it. It's how it always was. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt her anymore. It would always leave scars.
Going home isn't any easier, her parents are almost rarely home and when they are they're caught up in work. She misses them but she gets it. Who would even bother to acknowledge a daughter like her? She was a mistake.
But this time they're home. Not only that but they have company. Suddenly every hurt feeling leaves, and happiness washes over her. For once, she could have people around her who at least care about her just a little bit.
She seats herself off to the side a bit, leaning on the wall after setting down her backpack. She listens in on their conversation, slightly taken aback that it's about her. They're talking a little too fast but she can pick up a few phrases. Never going to be successful. Failure. She stops listening then, blocking out the conversation. Her tiny smile that had just appeared is wiped off her face. She doesn't care. That's what she tries to tell herself. But the words hurt so much that her body aches. Her arms and legs almost feel like gelatin, like she could come crushing to the floor any second now.
"Mom," she calls, holding back her breath so her voice doesn't waver, "I'm going to go take a shower."
Her mom merely turns towards her, nodding before brushing her away. Camille rushes up the stairs, turning the hot water on and quickly getting in. The water's so hot that it's almost burning her skin. But it's not. It's just right to the point where it hurts but doesn't burn. Then it all comes crashing down on her and she slides down the shower wall, shuddering with sobs.
It wasn't going to get easier and she knows it. Those thoughts are going to be with her for the rest of her life. And that thought just adds more scars to her heart.
Moving to L.A. wasn't any easier. She didn't catch her big break for years and the bullying never stop. She found her Lydia in the Jennifers, always taunting and teasing her in the worst possible ways. They reminded her of what a failure she truly was and how she wasn't worthy of anyone.
That's how she finds herself seated on her bed, staring down at the jar full of pills. They'd make the pain go away or even better, they would end it all together. Her eating disorder days were long over though they were never really an issue in the first place. It happened a couple of times but she never was addicted. She didn't want to do that to herself despite knowing how much she deserved it.
She could do this. She shakily brings her hand full of pills to her mouth, popping a pill in. One down, another handful to go. Then something catches her eye. A photo frame. The pictures were one of her favorites. It was of her, Jo, Stephanie, Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan in front of the Palm Woods, each of their faces bearing a ridiculous expression.
She can't swallow. She can't do this to them. She takes the pill out, tossing it into the wastebasket. They loved her. Or at least they said they did but she believed them. A little part of her was telling her that she was being selfish. Just because they made her happy, doesn't mean that she makes them happy. She's fighting with herself mentally. A little part of her knows that they love her just as much as she loves them and that's enough for her to set down the pills. No, she couldn't do this. Doing it would be taking a risk... and ruining every opportunity for her to be loved.
She couldn't leave her best friends, Jo and Stephanie. She couldn't crush the girls' who helped her through almost everyday and brought light into her life. She couldn't leave Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan who despite their own problems, always managed to cheer her up and shower her with hugs and kisses (well Logan on that part though they weren't exactly going out).
She wants the pain and ache in her heart to end so bad. But not like this. Not when she could be risking destroying other people along the way. She had to find her place in the world. She had to keep going. Stopping would be giving up and Camille Roberts never gives up. She couldn't give up. Not when there were so many wounds in her heart that needed to be mended. There was a place in this complicated world for her to find her happiness and her friends were her first step towards that happiness.
Present day
Camille snuggles closer to Logan, not caring in the least bit that she was in a public place or that she was at the premiere of her movie where she starred as the leading role. It didn't matter. Her friends were behind her and her boyfriend was next to her and she wouldn't have it any other way.
Then the cast is called up before the movie begins. She sadly parts from Logan, not wanting to leave entirely yet wanting to rush up there to introduce their movie.
"You'll be great, honey," he tells her sweetly, grabbing her arm and pecking her cheek before letting her go.
She smiles and nods, walking up onto the stage. Her cast mates are already up there, waiting for her. She wraps them into a hug, enjoying every minute of stardom. They encourage her to go up and say her speech and introduce the movie and even though she refuses, saying they should all take turns, they insist.
She takes the microphone, standing behind the small glass podium.
"We all would like to thank you for coming out today for the premiere of our movie. This has been a long journey, and if there's anything I've learned it's that every moment was worth it. It's made me who I am today and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've struggled with a lot of things in the past and the people I have to thank the most are my friends who are all sitting out there in the audience, my wonderful boyfriend, Logan," she laughs as he blushes as all head turn to him, "My cast mates and everyone who has given me this chance. Believe it or not, you're the people that have gotten me through everyday and made me feel like I'm worth it and this game of life is worth it. Thank you for that,"
She can feel small tears prick at the corners of her eyes. "Which brings me to the next point. The movie. We don't want to ruin too much before you all watch it but there's something we want to say to all of you. We want to know that each and every one of you are beautiful. For some it's hard to believe. I know how you feel. But know that you're worth it. Life may be hard on you but you'll find your place in the world and you'll find the happiness that is rightfully yours. You have to keep going, please. Please keep going," she sniffles, wiping away some tears, "Anyways, we introduce all of you to our movie, Beautiful."
She retreats back as the projection starts, returning to her seat. Logan's there waiting. He stands up, wrapping her into a hug. She buries her head into his shoulder, letting out a small cry. He places a kiss on top of her dark curls.
"Thank you for keep going, Cami. You're beautiful and you shouldn't think any differently. You're mean to me more than you can imagine. You're worth the fight," he whispers, kissing her.
She can't express in words how much it meant to her to hear that. Instead, she hugs him tighter, sitting down and curling up to his side.
She gasps as color fills the screen, her own face appearing on the screen.
And that was it. She had risen above the hate and had beat the odds. She had shown everyone that she wasn't a failure. All those people who ever teased her and made fun of her were in the past. Now her future was in her friends and dwelling in the endless amounts of love they gave her.
Her scars were still there in her heart, but her wounds? They were healing thanks to everyone who loved and cared for her.
AN: This is really important to me. Camille found her happy ending but so many others don't. People beat themselves up over the thought that they're not good enough when they are. Innocent lives are ruined because of bullying and there are lasting affects. That needs to stop. Everyone is created equal and no one should be put down or thought lesser of.
Please, this is a lot to ask of you but listen to me, believe when I say that you're beautiful. Each and every one of is beautiful inside and out. Everyone is perfect in their own way and each one of you are worth it. Don't think you're not worth it. Please. I may sound like a hypocrite when I say this but hopefully I'm helping someone out there. You're important and you all deserve happiness. Each of you deserve love. Don't listen to what other people tell you. Don't listen to them. If there's anything I've learned is that the more you listen to them, the more it hurts. So lift your head high and show everyone just how amazing you are. Every one of you are amazing, trust me on that. I love you.
And if any of you ever need to talk, my PM box is always open. Don't be shy, as it may turn out, we may have a lot in common.
Thank you for reading and if you could drop in a review, it would mean a lot.