Disclaimer:
chibiukyou: Okay so …we have this down… Tsuzuki belongs to me, Hisoka to wow…her screen name is Tsuzuki…does that mean that Hisoka belongs to Tsuzuki…o.o? YES! COUPLE MATCHING~! Go us….;; no but really….uhmm… we don't own these characters, but this fic was written by us [Us = chibiukyou and Tsuzuki] Not that you cared or anything…just thought we'd tell you before you breakout with the big bad meannnnn lawyer dudes [who I bet aren't gay… ;-;] and sued us!! That would be baaaaaaaaad [Wheel of Fortune had a discount on vowels] na no da~!
Tsuzuki: Hmmm… what else do we need a disclaimer for? How about… 'may cause insanity'? So don't come crying to us if you end up living in a pretty white padded room with Farfie. And, um, yeah…. Don't sue us or Muraki will come after you with glass shards he stole from Fuuma. On second thought, go ahead! I'd be happy to get rid of Muraki!! They just don't make cages like they used to, I swear, this is the third one he's gnawed through this week! -_-;; Right, I think I've just embarrassed myself enough, maybe we should just get on with the fic?
And now, for something (not so) completely different, it's…
Ha ha ha, just kidding….
Okay, for real this time. It's….
Oriya Gets a Hangnail
*ducks tomatoes* Okay, okay, we're trying to get this to page 5, give us a break…
It's…
The Dull Life of a Shinigami
(AKA Dieting is Good!)
It was a beautiful day in Meifu, and the cherry trees were blossoming, oh wait…they're always blossoming…but anyways. Tsuzuki Asato was sitting in his office, his desk completely covered with an assortment of various cakes and sweets. His eyes were alternating between darting around the room distrustfully and staring possessively at his hoard. He should have been working on his reports, but he knew that the second he took his attention away from his cakes, someone would try to steal them. And thus he sat.
Suddenly, a giant explosion rocked the building and the sounds of Watari's insane laughter floated on the air. A frown creased Tsuzuki's brow as he considered going to go check on what had happened. Sure, Watari's lab blew up often and it wasn't really of any real consequence, but that laugh meant that an experiment had been a success and Tsuzuki wanted to know what he had made. Plus, maybe Watari could come up with a potion to keep everyone away from his cakes.
Standing up, Tsuzuki left the room, casting one last wistful look at his cakes before closing the door. On the way to Watari's lab, he passed Hisoka, who was walking in the direction of his office. For one frightening moment, Tsuzuki was sure that Hisoka was going to go eat his cakes while he was gone, but c'mon…this is Hisoka. Hisoka and sweets…just… no. Hisoka would protect his sweets from the evil cake snatchers in the office. Feeling considerably lighter, he practically bounced his way to Watari's lab.
Hisoka watched his happy partner skipping the way to Watari's lab and glared. For no real reason, seeing as how no one would be around to see his glare, but it was always good to keep in practice. Shaking his head, he walked into Tsuzuki's office, not surprised one bit by the mass amounts of cakes on the desk. Making his way over to the leaning tower of sugar, he frowned down at them, to keep his frown in practice as well as his glare. You never knew when sweets could be intimidated.
Wondering what Tsuzuki liked so much about them; he dabbed his finger into the topping on one of them, licking it off with a thoughtful look on his face. Suddenly he burst into a giant smile. HEY! This was really good! Snatching up one of the cakes, he bit into it with a look of demented glee on his face. Yum!
Meanwhile, back at the farm…er, I mean, back at Watari's lab, the mad scientist was showing off his latest invention to Tsuzuki. Just showing it off. For some reason he refused to tell Tsuzuki what it did, but, at the suspicious look given him by the purple-eyed Shinigami, promised that it wouldn't be used on him. This potion was for Tatsumi!! And would Tsuzuki be a dear and help him give it to the uptight secretary.
Tsuzuki knew it was bad to help out Watari in one of his insane ideas, but he was still bitter at Tatsumi for only allowing him thirty dollars a day for food and so he agreed. All he would have to do is pour some of it into the special coffee Tatsumi liked and to be sure not to drink any for himself. Grabbing the vial with the brown potion in it, to blend better with the coffee dontcha know, Tsuzuki left the heaping remains of Watari's lab.
With a small smile he poured the potion into a coffee mug, carelessly tossing the vial behind him, ignoring the crashing of glass and the scream that followed, and filled the rest of the cup up with coffee. He was cackling to himself, his eyes alight with some unknown joy when Tatsumi chose that time to walk up and Tsuzuki gleefully handed him the special brew.
"Tatsumi! Look! I made you coffee!! Since you were so nice about the whole," Tsuzuki lifted his hands and made the infamous air quotes, "crayon incident." Giving the sweet lover an odd look, Tatsumi accepted the proffered mug, backing away slightly.
"Tsuzuki…did you screw up again?" He asked, staring hard at the purple eyed Shinigami. "…anything that's going to cost me money…?" Tsuzuki looked guilty for one moment before his sunny smile was back.
"Of course not!! Can't I just be nice?" He cried out indignantly. Tatsumi tried to feel bad for doubting him, he really did. But the sensible part of him, the part that was more often referred to as COMMON SENSE, told him that something was up. He pondered about pressing Tsuzuki further for answers, but remembered he had reports to get back to. His eyes lit up as he remembered the stack of papers waiting for him in his office and he got a near giddy smile on his face. He nodded absently at Tsuzuki and wandered back to his office. After all, time was money and money was good.
Satisfied that his good deed for the day was complete, Tsuzuki headed back to his office, his eyes lighting up as he thought of the cakes he had been forced to leave behind. As soon as he opened the door he was shot at with sticky pink foam from all sides. With a yelp, he dove for cover behind his desk, covering his head with his arms. Insane laughter, possibly more insane than both Watari's and Muraki's put together, echoed around the small room and he peeked his head up from behind the desk.
He was immediately shot with Silly String again. Tsuzuki was, to say the least, quite unamused. What if this insane person had gotten Silly String on his cakes and they ended up tasting funny!! And then he'd have to eat funny tasting cakes and go to the hospital and die! Oh wait, he was already dead. But he'd die again if he had to eat Silly String cakes and it would be all this evil person's fault and he hoped they had to spend an eternity stuck in a little room with Konoe Kachou and a karaoke machine and…and … THEY HAD TO SLEEP WITH A MURAKI PLUSHIE!
Tsuzuki rubbed the Silly String out of his eyes and blinked. And blinked again. Was that Hisoka hanging from the ceiling light? Yes, yes it was. Tsuzuki stared at the swinging boy for a second before his eyes traveled downwards to where his cakes lay waiting for him. Only, the cakes had gone on vacation without him, and were possibly enjoying the warm weather down in Hawaii. Either that or someone had eaten them! Tsuzuki gasped! Hisoka was supposed to save his cakes from the evil cake snatchers and yet he had let someone eat them! Tsuzuki vowed to never hire Hisoka as a cakesitter again.
Hisoka let loose an animalistic hoot and dropped for the ceiling in front of the near tears Tsuzuki, licking a small bit of pink frosting off of his lips. Tsuzuki felt his heart constrict at the betrayal. It wasn't some faceless cake snatcher! IT WAS HISOKA!
Tsuzuki glared at Hisoka, grabbed a light green (green like apples – apples like apple pie…. Yummy…) umbrella, and pointed it at him. "My name is Tsuzuki Asato, you killed my desserts, prepare to die!" Hisoka stared at him for a moment and then before Tsuzuki's very own eyes, he did the unthinkable. He giggled.
Tsuzuki stood in shock for a few seconds, his eyes wide as he witnessed Hisoka tittering like a schoolgirl. Approximately two seconds afterwards, he was scrambling for traction as he dashed for the door, yanking it open and running outside, Hisoka's giggle following him as he ran.
He ran to Tatsumi's office not stopping once, even when he ran over Gushoushin in his rush. Bursting into his friend's office, he glomped the stoic accountant, his eyes filling with tears.
"TATSUMIIIIIII!" He wailed, tightening his hold as Tatsumi began to turn slightly blue from lack of oxygen. "Hisoka's so meannnnn~!! He ate all my cakes that he promised he'd watch over and then he laughed about it." Sobbing, he buried his head into Tatsumi's chest as he mourned his loss. "Hisoka giggled! And was hanging from the lights~! And he's hyper! And I hope that meanie got Silly String on the cakes and he ate them and now he's going to DIE~!" He paused before adding, "…again…"
Tatsumi patted the distraught Shinigami on the head before wrapping his arms around Tsuzuki's waist, pulling him tighter. Tsuzuki's eyes widened as he felt something hard poking him in the leg and he pulled back with a gasp. Looking down, he felt sheepish as he realized it was only the arm of the chair and not Tatsumi's…um…yeah.
Tatsumi grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down so that he was flat against his chest, and Tsuzuki could feel the secretary's heart beating. Tsuzuki's brow creased as he detected that something was…off, even more so than Tatsumi's odd behavior. His eyes darted around the room, finally taking in the dim lights and the smoky atmosphere made by the incense burning in the corners.
"Uhh… Tatsumi…?" He asked questioningly. He heard Tatsumi give a small laugh and, reminded of his earlier experience with Hisoka, Tsuzuki pushed himself out of Tatsumi's arms and backed away quickly to the center of the room. "What's going on, Tatsumi?" He asked, his voice frightened. Tatsumi stood up out of his chair and tossed his head in a would-be-dramatic-if-there-was-any-wind fashion, while adjusting his snazzy blue sunglasses. Wait a minute… sunglasses? Tsuzuki did a double take; once more just now noticing Tatsumi's new clothing. Kinda like he did with the room, only with Tatsumi's clothes dont'cha know. Along with the cool shades, Tatsumi was wearing black leather pants which, Tsuzuki couldn't help but notice, were very tight, and a like crème or something colored shirt. Tsuzuki wasn't paying much attention, being rather distracted by the pants.
"What do you mean Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked, his voice low and husky. "Nothing's going on… unless you want something to be going on." He winked at the confused man and licked his lips. Tsuzuki stared in shock for a moment before, after a long and extensive battle with customs at the counter, the reason for it clicked in his head.
"Watari!" He cried triumphantly, raising a fist in the air. Tatsumi chuckled at him.
"Oh, so you want a threesome?" He asked, taking a step closer to the frozen Tsuzuki. "I didn't know you were into that kind of thing." Stepping over to his desk, he opened the bottom drawer on the right and pulled out something metal. Tsuzuki was momentarily distracted by the shiny surface of the object, before shaking his head to snap out of it. And boggled at what Tatsumi held. Tatsumi gave a small laugh and dangled the handcuffs on one finger, a sly smirk on his face. He took three smooth steps closer to the trembling man, his eyes shining with something that Tsuzuki couldn't define. Something Tsuzuki didn't want to define.
"Uh…" was his oh so intelligent response. "…I…got to…go…" He stuttered, backing up 'til he felt the door behind him.
"Go on… Watari is a very nice looking man, I would not mind a threesome with him…" Tatsumi said oily, licking the side of the handcuffs. Tsuzuki decided, quite wisely, that this would be an ideal time to make his escape. Running, he made it to Watari's lab in record time, bursting through what remained of the door, startling the poor mad scientist.
"Tsuzuki! What a surprise… did you need something?" Watari asked, a huge smile on his face. Tsuzuki grabbed his umbrella out of his spandex shorts, his green tank top fluttering in the non-existent breeze. Suddenly a brown haired youth walked into the lab and held a gun to Tsuzuki's head.
"Omae o korosu. Give me my clothes back." Watari and Tsuzuki stared at him for a moment, taking in the cereal box the boy was wearing. With a sad sigh, Tsuzuki handed back the spandex and tank top back to Heero, his normal clothes already miraculously already on. Heero nodded, removing his gun from Tsuzuki's temple and exited scene left. The two Shinigami stared in the direction he left, Tsuzuki looking forlorn and Watari mentally calculating the holding properties of those shorts.
Watari blinked once before clearing his throat, grabbing Tsuzuki's attention back to him. Tsuzuki looked at him blankly for a second, his nose scrunched as he tried to remember why he was there. Watari stared back at him impatiently; tapping his foot as 003 flittered in the background. Giving up, Watari turned and headed back to his computer intent on getting something done while the purple-eyed Shinigami was thinking. Tsuzuki thought long and Tsuzuki thought hard, before finally remembering the reason he had stormed in there in the first place.
"AH HAH!" He cried, his face breaking into a stunning grin. Watari looked up from where he was currently developing a cure for cancer and athlete's foot, and blinked at Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki got up from the bed Watari had put him on after he had collapsed three times from overexertion of his brain, and pointed a finger at the blond. "You! What did you do to Tatsumi!?" His face looked serious. Watari started laughing and had to hold his sides as they started to hurt.
"Tatsumi… nothing's wrong with Tatsumi…" He said, wiping away a tear in the corner of his eye. Tsuzuki glared at him, his hands on his hips.
"He tried to grope me! He was acting like… Muraki!" Tsuzuki gasped as images of Tatsumi and Muraki joining forces against him filled his mind. "Waah~! Tatsumi's going to be like Muraki and they're going to go around killing people and trying to grope me! And white is sooooo not Tatsumi's color!" He sniffed. "He's going to be a fashionably challenged evil bad dude and it's going to be all your fault Watari~!!" As Tsuzuki collapsed to the ground weeping at the horror, Watari stared at him, his eyes wide.
"No no no… don't cry Tsuzuki…" He said, getting up quickly, waving his hands as if to ward off Tsuzuki's tears. "It can't be that bad…" Watari reached over to pat Tsuzuki on the head, but snatched his hand back as Tsuzuki started to glow with an eerie red light.
"It is that bad, Watari." He said, raising his head to look at the blond man. Watari backed away hurriedly, as Tsuzuki stood up, his eyes hard. "Tatsumi was wearing leather pants and attempting to grope me with handcuffs." Watari was now frightened of the usually carefree man in front of him, and he continued to back away. "Feel the wrath of my Ancient Japanese Incantation for making Tatsumi suggest a threesome with you~!" He shouted triumphantly, power rolling off him in waves. Watari paused as what Tsuzuki had said sank in.
"Hey! That's not very nice!" He cried, offended. "It's not like I'm a total hag you know!" Tsuzuki ignored him, choosing instead to take out one of his ofuda and begin to chant. Watari looked around anxiously for a way to escape.
"Tsuzuki Asato, please report to the princi… er… Chief's office immediately." A voice on the intercom interrupted the two fighting Shinigami. Tsuzuki stopped glowing and Watari slumped in relief. Hanging his head, Tsuzuki made his way to the door, kicking a charred piece of table all the way there. Watari called out to him before he left.
"Oi... Tsuzuki…" Tsuzuki stopped and turned around, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. Watari paused, marveling at how that sentence rhymed then shook his head. Wherever that came from, he didn't want to know. No sense getting mixed up with all this "crazy author" stuff. After another moment of silence, Tsuzuki raised his head, and Watari realized that he had to say something. "Uhm…I'm…sorry about Tatsumi…?" He guessed, and Tsuzuki started to glow red again. Watari gulped. "Guess I uh…shouldn't have reminded you huh?" Tsuzuki started advancing on him again, leaving his charred table piece behind him, feeling lonely.
"TSUZUKI ASATO!" The intercom blared again, and both Tsuzuki and Watari froze. "GET YOUR LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!" Tsuzuki deflated and Watari could almost swear that he looked disappointed. He vowed to later send flowers to whoever was in charge of the intercom. He paused as he realized how very much like Terazuma's voice that was, and decided not to.
[Author interlude] Tsuzuki going to the office. Erase that. You freak. Your gonna type everything I say, huh? I want you to know I hate your keyboard… You can type so way fast and I'm just like type type type, delete delete delete. Good job! Good lemonade? Okay. (Author comment #1:Dun ask, trust me…you don't want to know) Right, so …how's school going for everyone? My school sucks.. *le sigh* but there's this one guy in my first peri…*intercom breaks in* GET YOUR LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING ASSES BACK TO WORK!!!! ….o.o… right… [End Author interlude]
Tsuzuki shrugged and turned back around, walking once more towards the door. Watari blinked, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. He wisely refrained from calling out to Tsuzuki so that he could apologize, feeling as if that had been done before. And we all know how Watari likes to be original. Tsuzuki left the lab and made his way to the Chief's office, leaving a relieved Watari and a heartbroken charred piece of table behind.
Stepping into the office, Tsuzuki was startled to see the chief hunched over his desk, crying. His own eyes immediately filled with tears and he started bawling as well. Konoe and Tsuzuki glomped each other, tears streaming down their faces. After near five minutes of this, Konoe paused. Tsuzuki continued to cry. Konoe stared at the crying man in his arms, and blinked.
"…what…the …O.o" He asked, confuzzeled. Tsuzuki stopped crying and blinked the tears from his eyes. "Why are you crying,, Tsuzuki?" Konoe asked, starting to feel annoyed. It was HIS crying/self pity session after all. Tsuzuki stopped crying and stared blankly at him.
"You…" he sniffled, "You called me down here…and you were crying! And I'm so sorry!!! I didn't mean to be late!! I just got distracted…" Tsuzuki wailed, bursting into tears again. "Don't fire me please! I promise I'll be good and I wont' go over the spending limit and I'll buy you sweets though you can't have mine, and I'll be on time fore meetings and please don't fire me!!" He took a deep breath before he could hyperventilate and opened his mouth to continue speaking. Konoe, seeing this forthcoming disaster, clamped his hand over Tsuzuki's mouth.
"I'm not going to fire you, as much as you deserve it." He said sternly, disentangling himself from Tsuzuki's grasp. "I called you in here because you have a mission." Tsuzuki gasped and looked up at him.
"We have a mission?" He asked wonderingly. Konoe stared at him.
"…that's what I just said." He deadpanned. "You and Kurosaki kun are going to go get me more Gummi Bears…" His voice trailed off, sounding strangled. Tsuzuki reached over and handed him a tissue, making soothing noises. Konoe blew his nose, handing it back to a quite disgusted Tsuzuki, before somehow finding the strength to continue. "because….someone… Someone stole my Gummi bears!!!" He burst into tears again. Tsuzuki gasped in shock. He remembered the betrayal he had felt when Hisoka had ate his cakes…no, he won't go into that, but he couldn't let this injustice pass!
"Don't worry Chief!! Me and …Hisoka… will get your Gummi Bears back!!" He said, striking a pose. Konoe just nodded weakly and Tsuzuki zoomed out the room, intent on finding his partner and completing his mission.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next Episode:
Announcer (Tsuzuki)(that's the author Tsuzuki, not the real one. Well, I'm real, but… gah, nevermind -_-;; ): Tsuzuki and Hisoka search for Gummi Bears and gee, guess who they just happen to run into.
Oriya: Aaaah! I have a hangnail!!
Chibiukyou: Shut up! No you don't it was just a stupid joke! Now quit whining and get back to sweeping! No screen time for you!
Announcer: *sweatdrop* … and they just happen to run into…
Muraki: Ooh, Gummi Bears! *pulls the head off a green Gummi Bear* Eee hee hee….
Announcer: And what is Oriya planning?
Oriya: *laughs at chibiukyou* Ahahaha! See that!? SCREEN TIME!!
Chibiukyou: *finger on delete key* What was that…?
Oriya: *sweatdrop* nan demo nai…
Tsuzuki: All this and more, in the next episode of… ORIYA GETS A HANGNAIL!
Audience: *throws rotten fruit at her*
Tsuzuki: *gets hit by a tomato* erm, I mean… The Dull life of a Shinigami!!