All They Knew

Author's Note: Well, this is my first attempt at a Batman related story, and it's also my first oneshot. As far as plot, there's not much here, it was just an idea I had that refused to go away without being written. There are some general references to the flashback in Return Of The Joker, but nothing too spoiler filled. I apologize in advance for any errors; I'm not much of an editor. Reviews are always appreciated, even if you hated it. Just be kind enough to tell me why you hated it and how I can improve. Thanks for reading.

Disclaimer: I own nothing; I'm making absolutely no profit from this. Please don't sue me.

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

"Sure." Dick watched his surprise guest sip carefully from the cup he'd given her. The former Robin's features contorted into a look of mild disgust. How she managed to choke down that concoction known as herbal tea was entirely beyond him

"It's funny," Barbara remarked. "I could've sworn you hated this stuff?"

Shrugging, Dick joined her on the couch, keeping a fair amount of distance between them. He didn't relish the idea of explaining why he still kept his ex girlfriend's favorite drink in stock.

"I heard you've been dating some alien princess. Star-something?"

"Starfire," he mumbled. "I didn't know you were into tabloid rags."

"Almost every story has a ring of truth to it."

"'Almost' being the key word. You sure you're okay?"

Barbara rolled her eyes, wincing as she fingered the bruise adorning her left cheekbone. "You're channeling Alfred. Don't worry; I didn't expect to come here without getting a taste of that famous Bludhaven hospitality."

Sighing, he moved himself just the tiniest bit closer to her. "What's going on, Barb? We could've played catch-up over the phone. And if you were distracted enough to let two street punks get the drop on you-"

"Two streets punks who are going to be incapable of doing anything to anyone for a very long time."

"Fine, you cleaned their clocks, but still-"

"You were right."

Dick waited patiently for further elaboration, watching Barbara stare intently into the depths of her cup. When she spoke again, her tone was too flat, too controlled. She was one step away from crumbling.

"You said that eventually we'd all leave. We'd realize what kind of person he was, what he expected from us, and we'd leave. You were right."

Dick blinked once. Twice, his mind working overtime to process what Barbara was saying. Or not saying.

"But…Tim's been gone since-"

"This isn't about Tim, it's about me. I left. I'm done. With this life, with Bruce, with all of it. You were right."

Seeing the barely restrained emotions play out across her face, he finally understood. All of it. The surprise visit, the rookie mistake Barbara would never have made under normal circumstances, the feeling that she seemed lost somehow, it all made sense.

She seemed lost because she was, because her life as she knew it had effectively come to an end. Not trusting himself on the couch, Dick slid onto the edge of the coffee table so that he had direct eye contact with the redhead. He needed her to hear this. Whatever else was said tonight, he needed to be clear on this one thing.

"I didn't want to be."

He took no pleasure in being right about this, in knowing that his family had come apart at the seams. Even when Barbara had declined his request to leave Gotham with him, spurring the argument that eventually led to his prediction, he still hadn't wanted it to be true. How could he?

"I know," Barbara whispered. Dick thought he heard a sniffle, then quickly dismissed the idea. Barbara Gordon didn't cry, at least not in front of him. He wondered if she ever cried in front of Bruce, and dismissed that idea quicker then he had the first.

"How'd he take it?"

The redhead shrugged, giving absent scrutiny to a well manicured nail. "Pretty much the same way he took it when you left?"

Dick averted his gaze at the answer that was more of a question. "I just thought that maybe…since you two were, I mean..." This was becoming far too awkward. He was suddenly aware of how close they really were. Their knees were almost touching.

"My relationship with Bruce was over a long time ago, not that you didn't know that already." The reply was crisp and clipped, with just a hint of annoyance thrown in for good measure.

"I'm sorry, I was out of line." Really though, most of his lessons in tact had come from Bruce, so what did she expect?

Barbara nodded in acknowledgement. Thinking the subject was closed, Dick was surprised when she went on. "It was a stupid crush, nothing more then that."

Dick laughed before he could stop himself. There was no humor in it.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just that…"

"What?"

"It's just that I always thought it was the other way around." Intentionally or not, Babs gave the impression that he, Dick, was the casual boyfriend who, while fun, hadn't meant much of anything. And that Bruce, well, that Bruce had been more then that.

"So did I, for awhile." Barbara's response was barely audible, despite their close proximity to each other. Perhaps he had misheard those last two words?

"Have you heard from Tim?"

It appeared that the previous line of questioning had come to an end, much to Dick's frustration. "No, but don't worry, I'm sure he's fine."

"That's what Alfred would say when I asked about you."

"And he was right…most of the time."

"That's reassuring."

"Barbara, what happened with Joker-"

"-wasn't my fault, I know. You and Alfred must be reading off the same script."

"Barbara…"

"He shouldn't have been alone that night."

"He'd been doing solo patrols for months before it happened. You couldn't have known what they were going to do."

"You weren't there. You didn't see what…"

And now she was crying, silently or not. And Dick felt an iron vice clamping down on his chest, preventing him from breathing. Without considering the consequences, he took hold of his former girlfriend's hand, covering it with his own.

"You're right, I wasn't there."

"Don't do this."

"I should've been."

Why hadn't they called him? Three weeks with no leads, and no one bothered to call him. That bothered him more then he would ever express.

"You were your own person then. Bruce didn't want-"

"Bruce didn't want to admit he needed help."

"That's not it."

"Maybe if I'd been there we could've found him sooner."

"Don't do this," she repeated more firmly this time.

"I won't if you won't." Doing a mental headshake at her look of confusion, Dick continued. "You can't have it both ways. Either we're all responsible, or none of us is. You can't hog all the credit on this one."

He was acutely aware of how not-funny the joke was, just as he was aware of how foolish they all were. The blame rested solely and completely with Joker, yet none of them, including himself, could ever fully grasp that. He doubted they ever would.

There was a beat or two of silence before Dick voiced his next thought. "It should've been me."

Barbara's fingers, still entwined with his own, squeezed painfully tight. "Don't."

"I mean it, Barb. If Joker and Harley had hatched their little adoption plan a couple years early, it would've been me. Tim's just a kid, he didn't deserve that."

"And you did?" Her voice hardened considerably. She was holding his hand tightly enough that he feared it might go numb.

"What does it matter now? It's over and done with."

"Dick…"

"Why did you leave Bruce?"

Dick was hard pressed to decide which of them was more surprised by the question. He felt Barbara yank her hand away. "Barbara," he started apologetically, "I-"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'd wanted to leave for a long time. There wasn't one final straw that clinched it for me, if that's what you're asking."

He hadn't expected to get an answer at all. Certainly not the one he got. He shouldn't press the issue, he should let it go. "How long are we talking about here?"

Her eyes flashed briefly, then softened. "Since before Tim left. They'd been fighting so much after Bruce clipped his Robin wings. I'd already gone through that with the two of you. Once was enough."

"Then why stay?"

Barbara shrugged, sounding a bit too casual. "I felt like I'd be abandoning Tim if I left. I didn't want him and Bruce to kill each other. Then, after Joker…"

Dick nodded in understanding. "What're your plans now?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore." This time it was her turn to laugh mirthlessly. "Would you believe that I thought I'd do this forever? Run around in a costume catching bad guys for the rest of my life?"

"Yes," Dick replied seriously. "Because I did too. "

"I just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

Again, Dick nodded. Being a vigilante was all any of them knew how to do. Whatever dreams or ambitions they used to have were all swallowed by the costumes they wore, the lives they led. Dick, who'd fully intended to leave those costumes behind, was now Nightwing, another masked hero. He'd gone back to it because, deep down, it was all he knew how to do, all he knew how to be.

"Barbara, you'll be fine. You'll figure it out."

"How can you know that?"

"Because I did, and you're a heck of a lot smarter then me."

That earned him a smile, the first real one she'd given him in years. Before he knew what was happening, he'd pressed his lips against her forehead. Somehow, their hands had become entwined again. When he pulled away, Barbara was still smiling, but there was a nervousness there he hadn't seen before.

"Sorry, guess I got carried away."

"No, it's okay. I should go, I'm sure you've got plenty to do tonight." She was standing up, backing towards the door.

"Barbara don't."

"Thanks for the tea."

She was five paces from the doorknob when Dick vaulted over the couch, executed a summersault, and landed in front of her. "I've missed you, Babs. Don't go."

"Babs? Aren't I a little old for that stupid nickname?"

"Hey, don't knock the classics."

"I'm not sure-"

"Barb," he cut her off. "Don't make me beg. Stick around for a bit. I could use the company."

"Me too," she admitted quietly

"Then what's the hurry?"

"Things change Dick. Isn't that yours and Bruce's mantra?"

Sighing deeply, Dick cautiously took her hand again. She didn't pull away. "Some things don't change, Babs. Some things won't ever change."

He watched her waver.

He saw her relax as she folded her hand more comfortably into his.

He watched her smile gratefully as she stepped into his arms.

And he understood. He understood why she always got to him, why he always let her get to him. Why they always came back to each other, no matter how much time had passed.

He understood, but was unwilling to admit it, even within the confines of his own head.

It was too hard. The chances were too good that one of them would end up hurting the other, no matter what their feelings were.

It was all they knew how to do. All they'd ever known how to do.

.