Bickering keeps us alive
There was a conference of all the ghosts in Hogwarts held in the Great Hall late one night. Albus Dumbledore had asked their help in protecting the school. At night the ghosts should patrol the school. Of course they were not alone. Some of the teachers had patrols every night, too. But they were alive and thus needed sleep. Teaching various groups of children in all stages of puberty didn't help them relax either. The ghosts had agreed to help and take some responsibilities off the teachers' shoulders. Sirius Black was a criminal after all. A very dangerous criminal, come to think of it. One couldn't and shouldn't take any chances.
Nearly-headless Nick was only half listening to the conference. His thoughts turned round one boy from Gryffindor who had just broken up with his girlfriend and had come to him for advice. Nick had to admit to himself that he was really the last person anyone should ask about affairs of the heart. Perhaps he could get one of the other ghosts to talk to that boy. But who had had experience enough with love and could still remember it?
Pondering that question, he was too absorbed to realise the end of their gathering.
"You seem a little preoccupied, Nick."
It was the Fat Friar from Hufflepuff. True to the values of his house he was a good and loyal friend who would observe the others and ask if they positively needed his help. But what did a Friar know about love? Yeah, exactly, absolutely nothing! Celibacy and so on.
"Yes, I am but I'm afraid you can't help me."
"What makes you so sure? Just try me," replied the Friar cheerfully.
"It's about one of my boys who broke up with his girl..."
"Say no more! You were right. I can't help you with that. Well, not personally but when my children have these problems I send them to the Grey Lady. She's rather good at these kinds of things."
"Thank you, Friar. I'll go to her and ask if she could check on the poor bloke."
"Just remember: don't mention the Bloody Baron," called the Friar after Nick.
----
Nick found the Gray Lady in front of the Transfigurations classroom. Right next to her stood a bemused Professor McGonagall who looked ready to kill. In front of the two ladies trembled a clearly terrified student. Nick recognized the boy from his earlier conversation. What was his name again? Ah, Lee Jordan, the friend of the Weasley twins.
"Mr. Jordan, what are you doing out of bed?"
McGonagall's voice was sharp enough to cut through steel like butter. Lee stammered something incoherent but elaborated when McGonagall glared at him.
"I couldn't sleep and wanted to get cocoa."
He seemed to wither under the ladies glares. But something, probably Gryffindor bravery, made him say:
"Well, I broke up with my Girl and I'm depressed now so just get off my back. The bloody freaking Bloody Baron was no help at all. Damn him!"
Both ladies had taken a step back in surprise at his outburst and the language he used. The Grey Lady snorted at the mention of the Bloody Baron.
"Well, of course he is no help in these things. I told you that you should have listened..."
The Bloody Baron glided through the hall just then and sneered at the Grey Lady.
"And since when are you an expert on love? The girl is crying her heart out as we speak."
Lee interjected any further arguments.
"That's it, all right! The end of hell! Do you understand that? No more help from anyone. Help is not helping!"
The Grey Lady looked at him highly affronted and said:
"Well, I was only doing my best, dear."
"Well, your best stinks on ice. And, Baron, what the hell did you think you were doing?", yelled Lee.
"Getting your girl back. You must show her who's boss. That's the only thing women understand."
McGonagall huffed furiously at that. Her eyes were narrowing and Nick guessed she was deciding on what curse to use on the Baron. But it was the Grey Lady who yelled:
"The only thing you understand is infidelity. Do you honestly think I didn't know about that young Hufflepuff bitch you shagged!"
The Baron ignored her with supreme indifference and instead addressed Lee.
"Helena, as per usual, allowing her petty jealousy to mare the evening. God, if only I was ten years younger ..."
"...and alive!", screamed the Grey Lady furiously.
"Me being alive was never our problem, dear. YOU being alive was the problem. If you hadn't made me wait for our wedding night ..."
"You were on your last legs when I put your chestnuts out of the fire! Your family was bankrupt and that knighthood was bought!"
"Well, you died on me, Helena. You died on me before we could settle up and marry."
"You followed along two hours later."
"What was I supposed to do? Return to Hogwarts after you used up the best years of my life."
Before the Grey Lady had the chance to retaliate, Lee interrupted them both.
"Wow, wow, time out! Now here's the point ..."
Helena Ravenclaw glared at him and huffed:
"No, here is the point."
With that she vanished through the floor. Lee stared at the spot where she had just disappeared and muttered:
"Well, that was dramatic."
The Bloody Baron followed the Grey Lady through the flagstones. This night would go down in history as the night the two most elusive ghosts gave away some of their secrets. Nick couldn't believe it. He was so lucky to have witnessed that.