A/N - So, this is the first chapter of my first story. It's pretty long, I hope you don't mind. Next chapter will probably be shorter... Anyway, I noticed it took quite a long time to write this and it certainly took forever to edit it. So after having read it so many times that I now am going crazy over it, I just want to get it out, so I am too lazy to let someone beta it. Since English is not my first language, should you find mistakes in grammar or use of words or anything, please PM me. This story takes place after the ferry arc in season 3, since I wanted Meredith to deal with Ellis's death. It's pretty much a MerDer story, where they make some kind of progress in their relationship already at this point. I hope you'll enjoy it.

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Meredith was dragged from her much needed sleep as the alarm went off. She blinked sleepily at the radio. 5.20. How could it be that she always was short of sleep? It seriously shouldn't be that hard to go to bed in a reasonable time. She turned to shut the alarm with her right hand and while shifting positions, her body touched something - someone - warm and bare. She smiled a little. Of course. With Derek next to her, it sometimes was a little hard to actually sleep. For some reason, it seemed that they always had better things to do those precious hours between getting off work and getting back to work again. Derek was lying on his stomach, his arms hanging outside the bed and the sheet barely covering his back. He hadn't stirred from the shrill alarm. Meredith let her hand run through his hair and down his back a couple of times before he muttered something and turned to her.

"Good morning," she mumbled into his ear. He grinned at her, but soon he turned serious and looked at her, as if he was afraid of something. Meredith pretended not to notice and smiled again. "Did you sleep well?" Derek blinked. Just as she had done, he glanced at the radio and grunted. "I know it's 5.23," continued Meredith softly, "but..." She let her finger linger at his lips, tracing their curve. Derek changed positions so that he faced her, dragging her closer, embracing her. Meredith smiled inwardly and shifted so that she lay curled with her back against his chest. For a while they just lay in this accustomed position, Meredith enjoying the feeling of Derek breathing her in. "I haven't showered," she giggled at last. "I think you just sucked the last lavender out." Derek's grip around her tightened, his breath heavy, but he didn't move. "Derek?", Meredith said at last, used to him answering her playfully or teasing her or saying all those perfect things that seemed to come so naturally for him. "Derek, what's wrong?", she tried when he didn't answer. He stroked her hair, then finally turned to look at her, his eyes deep blue wells.

"It's just... " He shook his head and started over. "How bad is it today?" Meredith sighed.

"I'm fine. You're hovering."

"Your mom died, Meredith." Derek looked resolutely at her, as if that was something that inexorably must lead to a given set of feelings, and a given way of dealing with them. The thing was, Meredith knew it didn't. Not for her.

"And I already had her cremated," she stated. "It's closure. I've moved on." Or at least she tried to. Talking about it or thinking about it just made it harder. Derek just made it harder. Couldn't he see that?

"Tell me about her." Derek's voice was calm but firm. He wouldn't let her slip away. He wouldn't let her move on, wouldn't let her avoid that dark place where the memories of her mother lodged. He didn't flinch even as she tried her most stern look. "Tell me about your mom. How was she?" She sighed. Her silence apparently wouldn't keep him from asking. She tried to think of something that would characterize her mother without leading them to dangerous territory.

"She was... busy. Working." She hoped that would be enough, but Derek just kept his gaze at her, waiting. He didn't give in; didn't settle for her answers. Obviously didn't care about her resistance to the subject. "Look, she's dead. And I need to shower." She didn't have the strength to dig deeper in her memory after yet a neutral word to satisfy him. He gave her a look.

"Okay, so tell me how bad it is today." That look. She had almost gotten used to it now. It was a look he would never have given her Before. It was almost as if he had replaced all those looks she had gotten used to, that she had come to wait for and never stopped thinking about, with this one. It was as if he didn't know how to look at her anymore.

"I'm fine," she repeated quickly, needing the look to vanish, to be replaced with his smile. Needing him to agree.

"You died, Meredith." You died. You died. The words hang between them. Meredith could tell that this was something Derek had dwelt on. She wasn't sure though, whether or not there was guilt in his statement. She pushed the feeling aside and tried to make him understand.

"And then I lived. I got a second chance. I'm embracing it." Derek nodded slowly. He didn't smile. He didn't seem to get what she was trying to tell him. He didn't seem to stop worrying, when it was the only thing she wanted him to do. Meredith felt her attempt at brightness fall to the ground, but instead of letting it lead to an argument, she shrugged and shook of her sheets. "I'm taking that shower now," she announced. "You should get up. Izzie's probably made breakfast. It's what she does when she's hovering." She caught sight of Derek smiling bleakly before she left the room.

When she came down the stairs after having spent a quarter of an hour in the bathroom, trying hard not to think about Derek, she smelled fresh bread. Izzie. But when she approached the kitchen, she heard frantic footsteps behind her and felt a steady grip around her arm.

"I slept over," Izzie gasped. "I forgot to set the freaking alarm. Of course, it didn't help to have Alex in the next room." She rolled her eyes. "I don't think it is such a good idea for us to live together." She shook her head, not yet dressed and her blond hair disheveled. "Anyway, I slept too long and now I'm gonna be late and... what's that smell?" Meredith followed her into the kitchen only to find Derek sitting at the table, a basket of bagels and croissants standing on top of it together with fresh orange juice already poured in two glasses. The coffee pot on the bench was steaming, making the whole kitchen both smell and look like something from a commercial. She stopped in her tracks, not knowing what to say. It never looked like this in her kitchen. Except for those times Izzie decided to transform it to a cookie battlefield, it never looked like anything, really.

"Nobody was up," Derek said happily. "And I'm not a baker like Izzie" - he smiled at her where she was standing in the doorway, looking incredulous - "so I went down to the baker on the next street." Meredith felt confused. Gone was the serious, concerned Derek from this morning in bed, the one she had avoided to think about standing under water so hot she almost couldn't feel anything.

"I thought you liked muesli," she said at last, not really meaning it to come out that harsh. Izzie looked at her as if she was going crazy, but Derek only grinned at her. Playing the good host, he motioned for them both to go ahead and help themselves. Izzie looked down at her pink robe, only loosely tied around her waist and put her hair up haphazardly with an elastic.

"I'm gonna go change. If I eat in the car, would you guys give me a ride to work?" She snatched a croissant from the table, turned and headed for the stairs.

"Sure," Meredith nodded. "I'll save you some." With Izzie gone, she sat down next to Derek, looking suspiciously at him. "Why are you doing this?" She made a sweeping gesture over the table. He quirked an eyebrow.

"I've heard food's good for you." Before she could began stuttering her usual harangue about how she didn't need anything from him and how fine she was, he got serious. "I figured you would need a good breakfast before going back to work. Unless you don't want to stay home a couple of days. There is no shame in needing a little time off after what happened, Meredith." Meredith rolled her eyes, feeling her annoyance from before increase and already regretting questioning his suddenly light mood. They had already gone over this, and she had already told him what little good it would do her to wander around in the house all by herself. She would go crazy. Staying home was not an option. "Fine," Derek said when she didn't reply. He didn't insist, having known her answer. Instead he looked at her. "I get that it's not a great time at 5.30 in the morning. But eventually we will talk about this. We need it. I need it." He hesitated, but didn't say anything more. Meredith glanced at him, helping herself to a bagel. Trying hard to maintain the good spirit she had woken up with and knowing there would be no point in discussing this matter with him for the moment, she didn't bother to answer him. They ate in silence for a while, Derek absent-mindedly browsing through a newspaper Meredith assumed he'd got on his way to the baker's, seeing as she didn't take any paper. Looking into the hall to see if Izzie was anywhere near ready to go, she happened to catch sight of the time. She jumped up.

"We need to hurry," she urged. "Bailey's gonna kill us if we're late."

"What are you fussing for?. Right now, you could get away with anything." Alex strolled into the kitchen, lifting a bagel and examining it. He just shrugged when Meredith demanded to know what exactly he meant by that. "You know, with the dead mommy and the almost drowning thing. I'm just saying. You could probably walk in an hour late and she'd still not yell." Meredith glared at him and left the kitchen without saying another word. Alex looked after her and poured some coffee into his mug. "Maybe we should bring Bailey a bagel. Might avoid us getting stuck in the pit all day." His comment wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but Derek grinned at him as he stood up.

"Just as long as you tell her it's all on me."

After a speeded car ride, preceded by some intense last minute preparation, Izzie, Alex and Meredith rushed through the hospital lobby, leaving Derek behind as they hurried over to the interns' locker room. Cristina and George were standing by their lockers, George fumbling with his ID and Cristina looking bored. She opened her mouth to say something, but quieted as Bailey entered the changing room. She didn't even bother to look at Alex and Izzie when she sourishly commented on them being late. Meredith looked up, not believing that Alex could have a point in what he had said earlier.

"What about me?" She pulled her scrubs over her head, struggling to get ready before the others could leave without her. Bailey looked at her.

"Your mom died and you almost joined her. I think that gives room for a little late."

"I'm fine," Meredith began, but was cut off as Bailey started assigning them. "What about me?" she repeated as she saw the other interns getting their tasks and disappearing, casting her apologetic glances. She swore inwardly when Bailey told her to go down to the pit and find something to do and rummaged through her locker for her coat. "Once again, I'm fine. And I'd rather be doing something useful." She closed her locker forcefully, but Bailey didn't seem convinced.

"You can tell everybody you're fine 'til you're blue in your face. You're taking it easy. And pit is useful. Go." She looked sternly at her. Meredith sighed, but didn't protest any further and headed down to the pit.

-----

At ten o'clock, she had seen three patients, all with minor injuries that didn't require any effort from her side. She sneaked down an empty corridor to get a short break and to grab herself a Styrofoam coffee. She hadn't seen anyone she knew all morning. Derek and Cristina were probably in surgery. Cristina would probably even learn something today. She sipped on the bitter coffee while slowly walking back to the E.R. A slender nurse standing at the desk with an open chart caught sight of her.

"Bed 8. Patient came in with the ambulance five minutes ago, presenting with tender arm and shoulder and dizziness from falling in the schoolyard." Meredith nodded and headed towards the bed. The dark-haired girl lying there tried to sit up when Meredith entered, but fell down against the pillows. Meredith smiled reassuringly and cast a quick glance at the chart.

"Just relax, Julie. I'm Dr. Grey and I'm gonna take care of you." Even with her sore shoulder, the girl made an attempt to shrug and told Meredith that she thought she really was fine. "I promise I'll be quick and if you're right, you'll be out of here soon." Meredith put the chart on the bedside table, starting her preliminary exam of Julie's arm. Julie nodded cautiously and shifted on Meredith's command to let her get a better view. She chewed her lip for a little while before she hesitantly spoke.

"I was at the playground in school. It was stupid, really. Only kids are there." She looked up. "I'm twelve." Meredith nodded and went on to examining Julie's shoulder. "But I needed to be alone. The younger kids were at the swings, so I went to the climbing frame. But somehow, I slipped and fell." She winced as Meredith's fingers ran over her collarbone and grimaced apologetically. "It wasn't even slippery, from rain or whatever. I guess I was just clumsy as always." Meredith studied her inquiringly, but let the comment pass.

"And now you feel dizzy and your arm hurts," she concluded. "Did you feel dizzy before you fell?" Julie shook her head and opened her mouth as if to say something, but broke off and quieted immediately. "Julie?" prompted Meredith. "If you didn't feel well before you fell, there might be something that caused your fall. It would be good for us to know when we try to treat you." Even though Julie kept claiming that she had been fine, she looked down and squirmed a little while she was talking. Once again, Meredith studied her with concern. It was something about the girl's behaviour that made her uneasy. But Julie avoided her glance and she decided not to press her. "Okay, Julie, here's what we're gonna do. I think your collarbone might be broken, so we're gonna go see Dr. Torres who is in ortho. Also, your dizziness needs to be explained, so I'll take you down for a CT as well, which will tell us more about it." She started wheeling the bed as she talked.

"A CT is an x-ray, right?" Julie plucked with her sheets.

"That's right. It will gives us a clear picture of your brain and what may cause the dizziness. It's not uncomfortable unless you're claustrophobic," Meredith replied, smiling down at the girl. "Do you want us to call someone? Your parents?" Julie bit her lip.

"It's just my mom. And, um... she's at work, so I'll better not bother her."

"I'm sure she would make it here if she hears you're hurt," said Meredith gently, immediately wanting to bit her own lip for assuming something she didn't know anything about. Julie sat up a bit straighter.

"She's busy," she stated defensively. "Just don't call her." Meredith nodded slowly. She didn't need the child to be upset or not to trust her when she was about to undergo procedures, so she didn't argue further. Instead she smiled at Julie and assured her that it wasn't necessary to call her mother right now. Julie nodded, seeming relieved. "But you'll come with me, right, Dr. Grey?" she asked. She tried to sound unconcerned, but Meredith heard the pleading in her request and let her smile grow warmly.

"Here it is, Julie," she said, spotting Callie in the exam room they had stopped outside. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Callie agreed with Meredith's initial diagnosis after having examined Julie and gave her a collar-n-cuff to prevent pain and discomfort. She glanced at Meredith while working on Julie's shoulder and Meredith awaited the question that had been thrown at her from what felt like pretty much everyone she'd met today. But Callie didn't ask her how she was doing and merely nodded at them when she had instructed Julie how to look after her dressing. Meredith felt relieved. She didn't want to have her messy life drawn up in front of her patients, which, coming to think of it, was something that used to happen way too often.

As they left Callie's exam room and headed for Julie's CT scan, Meredith paged Derek and he stood already outside the tiny booth when they got there. Meredith hadn't seen him since they had parted in the lobby in the morning. Despite his stubborn words at the breakfast table still ringing in her mind, that casual smile of his made her body tingle. Rushing the feeling off, she smiled at him and bent down to Julie.

"Julie, this is Dr. Shepherd. He's a brain specialist and he's gonna help me read your scans, okay?" Julie began to nod, but winced and held her head still.

"My head... it hurts," she whispered anxiously. Her eyes were wide and Meredith could see that the tough exterior she seemed eager to maintain was starting to crackle. She was careful to sound reassuring when she calmly asked Julie to describe the pain. The girl closed her eyes and concentrated on lying still. "It's like a headache, like when you have the flu. It kinda throbs." Meredith took the girl's hand in hers and squeezed it quickly.

"We're gonna look at your scans now and then we'll see what we can do about it, okay? Are you ready to go inside the tube? You need to lie completely still for a while. Can you do that?" Julie mumbled in agreement, her eyes still closed. Meredith pressed the button and went out to the room where Derek stood waiting for the pictures to appear. He didn't see her coming and Meredith stopped in the doorway, taking in his tired appearance as he scanned the computer screen. A distant observer wouldn't have noticed - after all, he was McDreamy - but Meredith knew that the lines around his eyes hadn't been present only a week ago. What happened to you? Meredith. Meredith is what happened to me. She tried to shook off the feeling as he turned and saw her standing there, a little smile playing in the corner of his mouth. She entered the room and looked through the window at Julie, who lay perfectly still in the machine. "She has a broken collarbone from falling from a climbing frame, and she experiences headaches and dizziness," she told Derek, who searched the scans that now appeared on the screen. He pointed at the computer.

"Doesn't look like a bleeding. The brain tissue seems to have been in motion, it might be a little swollen."

"Brain concussion?" Meredith asked, relieved that it didn't appear to be a more serious injury. Derek nodded.

"It seems so. What treatment would you suggest?"

"Well, a broken collarbone doesn't require a hospital stay," began Meredith, "but she needs to be on bed-rest and a possible swelling in the brain should be observed overnight by checking her pulse, BP and pupils so no complications arise." Derek nodded contentedly and ordered her to admit Julie and call her parents. Meredith hesitated. "Her mom doesn't seem... I don't know. Julie wouldn't let me contact her before. I got a feeling they might not have the easiest relation." Derek looked solemnly at her.

"It doesn't matter. She's underage and we're keeping her overnight. Her parents must be informed. Should Julie need to undergo any procedure due to complications, we need their consent." Meredith nodded. Knowing he was right, she turned and went to release Julie from the machine, feeling Derek's eyes burning into her back. She didn't know why, but she couldn't help herself from turning around again. As she had known, he was looking at her, his lips curled. She tried to read his gaze. Before - before Addison, before Finn, before the water - he would have had that look. Like he saw her naked. Like all he wanted to do was to take her to the nearest on-call room. That look used to be pretty much all she could think about during long surgeries when their eyes met above their surgical masks. Some of those first year surgeries that were supposed to be unforgettable experiences? Completely blank. And it was not even about the sex. It was about the moment afterward, when the world stopped. When it just felt so safe. She didn't think she could read any of this in Derek's eyes now.

"Meredith." His voice startled her. His smile had faltered and he had tilted his head slightly. "Are you okay?" When she didn't answer right away, he frowned and reached out for her hand. All she could read from him was care and concern. She didn't like that. She didn't want that. She didn't even need that, despite what everybody seemed to assume. "Do you want to talk about it?" Caring and concern. That meant talking. Dealing. Sharing. All those things that were the last she wanted to do. And apparently, all that Derek had in mind these days. She only wanted him to page her to an on-call room his next free period, as he used to. But somehow, she couldn't quite find the courage to just tell him that. There was something about this morning. And the morning before that. He wasn't avoiding, exactly. He just seemed... a little distracted. Not quite in the mood. She realized that his hand now had travelled up to her face, cupping her chin and she snapped out of her gaze.

"I'm fine. I should go get my patient." She gave him a quick flickering smile. He let his hand drop and jerked his head slowly in a quiet agreement. Meredith avoided his eyes and turned again to let Julie out. "Hey there," she greeted the girl as the bunk appeared. "You did great in there." Julie smiled a little. She seemed calmer than before, and Meredith hadn't yet helped her over to her own bed again before she asked about the results. Meredith was a little surprised over this practical view from such a young patient but was happy that she didn't have bad news. "You're gonna be fine, Julie. You have a brain concussion, which explains why you're feeling dizzy and a little sick. It's gonna pass in a few days and until then you'll be on bed-rest. We'd like to keep an eye on you overnight, so I'm gonna go get you a room, okay?" Something flashed over Julie's face, but Meredith couldn't really tell if it was relief or disappointment or both. It was gone in an instant and the girl shrugged warily, cautious not to move too much.

"Yeah, I guess." She seemed like she wanted to say something more, but instead she closed her eyes and relaxed against her pillows. Meredith looked down at her, noticing that her features looked a little strained. She once again felt that there was something about her patient that she couldn't put her finger on and that she didn't know how to act on. Instead of pressing it, she wheeled Julie's bed back to the elevators, hoping that the even motion would comfort her a little.

-----

Meredith was kept rather busy during early afternoon with a stream of patients coming into the E.R. with more or less extensive injuries. She dwelt a little over the fact that none of them proved surgical and could only assume that today was going to be a pretty mellow day. After having discharged an older man with a bad cut, the pit seemed temporarily pretty quiet and Meredith steered her way up to the patients' rooms, wanting to check on Julie and make sure she was doing okay. The girl had seemed calm, though tired, when she had left, but she had looked so lonely in the bed in the middle of the room. Julie's door was open and Meredith peered carefully into the room, not wanting to disturb if Julie was asleep. She wasn't, though. She sat up in bed, her legs pulled up and her uninjured arm wrapped around them and she stared stubbornly at the nurse that stood in front of her. Hoping she wasn't interrupting anything, Meredith entered the room. The nurse turned to her, rolling her eyes.

"Good that you came, Dr. Grey," she said. "Julie keeps asking for you, but I told her we can't page doctors for minor things." Meredith frowned.

"You shouldn't have hesitated to get me if there was something. I was gonna check on her anyway." She walked over to Julie's bed. "How are you feeling?"

"She just needs to undress," the nurse answered before Julie could say anything. She looked pointedly at Meredith. "I told you it was nothing doctor related." Meredith looked at Julie. Though she had taken off her mudded sneakers before getting into bed, she was still dressed in the jeans and large sweater she had come in. Meredith saw the anxious yet stubborn look in her eyes and turned to the nurse.

"It's okay. I'm not busy for the moment, I can take it from here." As the nurse cast a doubtful look at her and disappeared, she sat down at Julie's bed. At a closer look, she saw that the sweater had a hole at the elbow and the jeans were pretty scruffy, probably from the fall earlier. Actually, Julie's face and hands bore evidence from the fall as well. "Julie," Meredith began gently after a slight hesitation, "would you like me to help you wash some of that dirt off? It might be a little hard for you using your hands as usual." Julie looked down at her hands, first now discovering what Meredith had seen, smiled a little and nodded. Meredith returned the smile and rose from the bed to go get a mirror and some cleaning equipment from the bathroom. She carefully cleansed Julie's hands, dabbing a few minor cuts with an antiseptic. "I hope it doesn't hurt that much. What do you say, would you like some help with your face as well?" She let Julie look into the mirror, causing the girl to let out a giggle.

"Have I gone around like this all day?" she asked. Meredith smiled.

"I didn't even see it until now, so it's not that bad. Or maybe both you and me were too wrapped up in the whole arm thing to really notice," she suggested, which made Julie giggle again. She helped Julie to wash her face and put the utensils on the table next to the mug of water and the pillbox already standing there.

"Dr. Grey? Will you help me with my clothes?" Julie looked at her. "They're so messy. I mean, I know you're a doctor and everything, and I guess I could ask a nurse..." Meredith smiled warmly.

"I have some time. Now let's see. I'm afraid your clothes got a little damaged when you fell. Would you like to slip into a gown instead?" Julie nodded half-heartedly and let Meredith help her out of her sweater. It had a shade of deep pink and featured a smiling Cookie Monster. Meredith couldn't quite get the somewhat childish sweater to match Julie's a little clumsy make-up and hairsprayed ponytail, carefully arranged to look casual. She tried to remember how she had dressed as a twelve year old and could only picture herself in tight tops and with socks in her bra in desperate attempts not to seem so young. She pushed the memory aside and concentrated on Julie again. "When you're wearing a collar like this, it's always best to start undress the arm that is injured," she advised. "Then you can just drag the rest of it off." She noticed that Julie, despite the trust she seemed to have in her, seemed a little self-conscious when it came to taking off her shirt. Meredith well remembered the awful P.E:s in middle school when there was nothing to do but undress in front of all the other girls and tried to make the procedure quick and smooth for the girl. Once they were done, Meredith draped Julie's clothes over a chair, not missing the girl's expression when she saw the dirt and the holes.

"Mom will kill me for tearing that sweater," she said before she could stop herself. Her tone was voiceless and Meredith looked cautiously at her, waiting for her to continue, but she didn't.

"I'm sure it won't matter that much to her when she hears you're alright," she tried, but only got a shrug and a you-don't-get-it-look. But Meredith did get it. She didn't know Julie's mother, but she remembered her own, and she remembered her constant feelings of inferiority when growing up. She could very well imagine herself in an unknown environment at the age of twelve, hoping that her mother would show and dreading it at the same time. She sighed. How much she'd like to wait another moment, another hour, she couldn't put it off anymore. "Speaking of your mother," she said slowly, careful to register Julie's reactions. "I need to call her and tell her you're here." She expected some kind of protest from Julie's side, but the girl just nodded and didn't look at her. Meredith remained seated, unsure whether she should say anything or not, or if Julie wanted to talk, but minutes passed and Julie had closed her eyes, so Meredith stood up and walked quietly of of the room.

-----

Nurses and doctors that saw Meredith at the nurses' desk that afternoon eyed her curiously. She was standing with a pile of charts in front of her, but made no attempt to work on them. That day's second cup of coffee was standing next to the paperwork, but was yet untouched. Meredith seemed to be staring blankly at the wall and took no notice of what was going on around her. Not even when Dr. Sen from psych bumped into her by accident when he rushed past, she showed any reaction.

So she had called Julie's mother. The call had been full of impatient irritation and no concerned questions from Mrs. Fowler's side and an increasing unease from her own. She had been prepared to reassure, to explain that Julie wasn't in a bad shape, but along the way, she had grown more and more incredulous at the lack of care in Julie's mother's voice. She had almost heard her rolling her eyes, waiting to hang up and return to whatever important business she obviously was in the middle of. She had expected her to ask for visitor's hours; instead she had had to point out that they existed herself, only to be met with a distant thank you and nothing more. Though Julie had mentioned nothing in that way, Meredith had somehow known that she needed to know whether her mother was coming or not, which had been her only reason for asking Mrs. Fowler straight out. Which, she could conclude, had been totally meaningless. The answer had been a vague, half-hearted attempt to ensure Meredith she would try that wouldn't have convinced anyone. Although Meredith had tried to claim that it would mean a lot to Julie, she knew she hadn't sounded too convincing herself. Certainly, she knew it would. But she also knew that her mother's presence would most likely not cause Julie to relax or feel comfortable. When it had been obvious that Mrs. Fowler very soon would hang up on her, Meredith had made sure to let her know how good Julie was. That she was someone to be proud of. The silence in the other end had filled her with sadness and increased the frustration she'd felt during the entire call.

That girl's clumsiness never stops to surprise me. How many times have I told her not to bother me while at work? Meredith wasn't sure whether it was the voice of Julie's mother or of her own ringing in her head. She closed her eyes and tried as hard as she could to avoid going to her dark and twisty place. When she opened them again, Derek was standing in front of her, concerned written all over his face. Meredith was taken aback by his presence and stirred, almost falling over by the sudden movement and from standing up for so long. Derek caught her by her shoulders and didn't let go.

"Are you okay?" They both knew it wasn't really a question, even if Meredith almost automatically told him that she was fine. But before she could stop herself, instead something completely else slipped out of her.

"Do you think it's possible for a mother not to love her child?" Derek eyed her warily, unsure of where this conversation would take them and of what the right thing to say would be. Meredith squirmed, smoothing an invisible wrinkle of her scrubs, already regretting letting her guard down, yet couldn't bring herself to just smooch what hang in the air between them. Derek cleared his throat, wanting to ask what made her pose such a question. Yet he was almost sure that would make her turn, or run, or smile politely and change the subject. That she didn't had already was surprising and Derek thought she deserved a real answer. Meredith's hands were still on the charts she's been holding on to for what felt like an eternity, as were her eyes, even though Derek didn't think she could make even a coherent guess on what they were holding.

"I think it's possible, yes," he said carefully. "Unusual. But possible." He made a pause, trying to read her expression. "Meredith..." She shook her head and gave him a fleeting smile.

"Never mind," she said quickly. "I gotta go. I have been standing here far too long." She turned, lifted the pile of charts and almost staggered under their weight, but seemed unable to move.

"Meredith," Derek said quietly, disappointed that his answer obviously hadn't been the right one, the one that had made her stay and talk to him. "Are you okay?" he repeated, but before she could answer, she felt her cell phone vibrate against her scrubs. She frowned at the low buzzing. She didn't use to have it switched on at work unless she expected a call. Which, considering that pretty much the only ones who called her were Derek or Cristina, she almost never did. She picked up the phone, relieved to have an excuse to get away from Derek and the tiring attempts to avoid his questions. Those caring, concerned questions that she so didn't need right now.

"I'm fine," she said quickly. He was pretty sure that was a lie, but he couldn't do anything before she cast an apologetic glance at him and rounded the corner of the hall before answering the call.

"Dr. Grey?" a pleasant, deep voice Meredith vaguely recognize but couldn't place said. "Dr. Grey, this is Ms. Henry. From your mother's nursing home." Meredith was quiet for a moment, not able to bring herself to reply. "Dr Grey? Is this a bad time?" the nurse asked, used to Meredith's excuses from several other conversations they had had with each other over the phone the past years. Meredith swallowed and regained her voice.

"No, it's fine. Um... I'm sorry, I... Did you have something in mind?" She rolled her eyes at herself for not pulling a coherent sentence together. Obviously the nurse had something in mind since she had made the call. She could almost hear the laughter in the other woman's voice as she spoke again.

"Actually I did." She became serious again. "Dr. Grey, I want to start with saying how sorry I am for your loss. We enjoyed having your mother here with us." Before Meredith could answer, she went on. "I hope this isn't too soon for you or too painful, but we need to clear her room for... " She broke off. "We were wondering if you could come pick her things up. They're yours now, you know." Meredith knew what she had been about to say. They needed to clear her room for another resident. Someone else would take over the tiny space that had been her mother's for five years. Unexpectedly, that filled her with sadness and she cleared her throat.

"Um... I don't know if..." she began, not really sure of which excuse would be the most convincing.

"Meredith, I don't doubt this may be hard on you," Ms. Henry said. "But you have to do it eventually and frankly, I think it would be the best closure for you to do it while the room is still intact." She continued with a smile, foreseeing what Meredith was to bring up next. "I know you're a surgical intern and that your time isn't your own, but..." Meredith wanted to kick herself for not being able to come up with anything else than to reluctantly agree.

"Fine. I can come by tonight. I'm off at 7.30."

"That's great," Ms Henry said happily. "Then we expect to see you later tonight."

"Yeah. I'll try. I'll definitely try." Meredith hanged up and glared at her phone. If only it had been switched off. Then she wouldn't have had to deal with this today. But apparently she had to. She spotted a dark, messy ponytail waiting for the elevator and quickened her pace. "Meet me at Joe's at 7.30," she hissed in Cristina's ear as the elevator opened and let out a swarm of people. Cristina turned around with raised eyebrows.

"Not that I wouldn't be there anyway, but what's going on? I'm the one with a wedding in just a couple of days, you know. I win."

"Not this time," Meredith answered darkly. "Dead mommy's talking to me from beyond the grave." Cristina looked incredulously at her.

"Fine. You win," she said slowly. "And I wanna hear all about it."

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Cristina was already sitting at the bar when Meredith entered. The little space was not yet crowded even if several tables were filled. As Meredith made her way through the room, she could hear an upbeat song that she didn't recognize playing in the background. It didn't really fit with the way she was feeling. If anything, her life was a downbeat right now.

"I really need some tequila tonight, Joe," Meredith claimed as she reached the counter. Before sitting down, she quickly scanned the bar. Even though she thought she knew some giggling nurses at a nearby table, she couldn't make out any more familiar faces in the dim light. She sank down at the chair next to her friend and dropped her bag at her feet.

"That's what you say every time." She didn't have to look at the bar owner to know the amused and slightly concerned expression on his face. He used to put that face on every time she came into the bar. Or at least every time she ordered tequila. Which was every time she came into the bar. Sometimes she spilled some of her worries over the counter, but tonight Cristina was sitting next to her, impatiently waiting for her to share and she just smiled at Joe as he poured her liquor and placed the shot in front of her.

"You're freaking out," Cristina stated when Meredith downed her glass and motioned to Joe for another one. Meredith just groaned and put her head in her hands. "Okay, what exactly did dead mommy say to you?" she said when Meredith didn't attempt to reply. She bent forward, her eyes shining intriguingly. "And - how?" Meredith glared at her.

"The nurse from her home called. They want me to pick up her things." She licked her lips to feel some of the lingering liquor taste and wondered if there was any excuse for not going that wouldn't make her feel guilty tomorrow.

"Oh." Cristina sipped at her beer in silence for a while, whipping her foot up and down under the table, making Meredith a little nervous. "So what are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. It's her things. What should I do with them?" Cristina shrugged, not sure if the question was rhetorical or not.

"Whatever you did with her other things?" When Meredith eyed her suspiciously, she motioned impatiently at some uncertain aim. "Those boxes Izzie always complained about before. That she tried to unpack, even." Meredith darkened slightly at the memory of George and Izzie hunting her down, nagging about decorations and paintings. They had tried to make the house homey. Meredith hadn't really seen the point. It had never been a homey place; mostly shadows and dark corners and no sounds except for the music and the T.V. she used to switch on as soon as she came home.

"I put them in the den. They're still there. Izzie had no business unpacking them. I didn't. That's what I mean. It's her stuff. Not mine." The den had certainly not been homey. True, it had once been a place with a tempting shimmer. She used to sit outside it at late nights and imagine all the important things her mother was doing in there. After that time her mother had bawled out at her for not minding her own business, however, it had become a place she carefully avoided.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Cristina asked. "I could take a look, tell you the scary findings." Meredith shook her head.

"Nobody's looking. I'm just gonna go there and... throw her things in a box and put it in the den. With closed eyes." She glared annoyed at Cristina when she snorted into her glass. Throwing down her second tequila shot and battling with herself whether to order in one more or not, she sighed and decided to get this over with. "Now. I'm gonna do it now." Without waiting for Cristina's reply, she walked out of the bar, put her bag in the backseat of her car and climbed into the driver's seat. "Now," she repeated to herself.

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