THE BIRDS AND THE BABIES (Time frame: The day after "Between A Yuk And A Hard Place")
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, the show isn't mine; I'm just a fan, this is just for entertainment and not for profit, etc....
(We see a shot of Maddie's bedroom window, which gradually pans across to her bed where she is sleeping, as "Maddie's Theme music" plays. Maddie wakes up, and is about to say "Good morning, David," until she realizes that she is alone. She turns over and finds a note next to her bed:
"Goldilocks:
See you at the office. Make sure to put your head back on.
Love, D."
Maddie gives a sleepy smile and goes to her mirror in the bathroom. She tries to make a convincing smile, but it is obvious that she has not gotten over the trauma of losing her child. She seems distracted, concerned, and depressed all at once. She gives a long sigh at the mirror, and covers her face with her hands in frustration.
Next, we see her driving into work, but her mind is still a million miles away. She pulls into the parking garage, and begins to walk towards the elevator, when suddenly her purse is snatched from her hand. She lets out a high-pitched scream. The burglar is only visible for a moment, but she notices a very pronounced scar under his right eye.)
BURGLAR (running away): I'll be back for the rest later!
(Maddie continues screaming, but is too "out of it" to chase after him. Instead, she frantically pushes the elevator button. Meanwhile, in the Blue Moon office....)
AGNES (answering the phone): Blue Moon Investigations. Have you been abandoned, has your mate gone astray? Give us a call, we'll show them the way. Have you been battered, scattered, splattered, or hit? When we find the culprit, we'll give them--- MISS HAYES!!!!
(as Maddie storms into the office in a panic.)
AGNES: Oh Miss Hayes, are you alright?
MADDIE: Call 911, Agnes!!! I've just been attacked by a man in the parking lot, he stole my purse!
BURT: Ha! Men, the oozing, cancerous boils floating around in the sewers of this sick joke we callously reffer to as a "society". Men, the theiving, leacherous prunes who insist on squeezing---
MACGILLICUDDY: You're trying to pass for one, pal, so why don'tcha just shut your trap.
BURT: Don't you have some cud to chew, MacGilli-CUD-dy?
AGNES: Why don't you two both just stop it, we have an emergency here!!!
(David pops his head out of his office door.)
D: Did I hear the word "emergency"?
M: Oh David! I was attacked in the parking lot! Someone stole my purse!
D: Didn't harm the main goods, I hope. No scars on you?
A: Don't worry, the police will be here any minute!
(David follows Maddie into her office.)
M: I don't get it, David, why would someone do something like that?
D: Maybe it was just some crazy autograph hunter, wanted the Blue Moon girl's John Hancock.
M: I dunno... and what's worse, he said "I'll come back later for the rest". Why would he say that? What "rest"?
D: Seriously, Maddie, maybe you do have a stalker.
M: That's rediculous David, I haven't done those Blue Moon ads in years.
D: I'm sure somebody's out there, wasting away their days, carrying a torch for the ol' Blue Moon girl...
M: You think it's a waste, huh?
D: Well if it is, then I'm the wastiest one of all.
M: But I can't have a stalker, David, I have a job!
D: People don't usually stalk homeless derelicts.
M: I think I'm gonna be sick.
(Maddie retires to the bathroom just as the police walk in. David goes to greet them.)
POLICE (to Agnes): are you the one who was robbed?
D: She'll be out in a minute, just using the john for all he's worth.
(Maddie appears, explains the story and mentions that the robber had a scar below his eye.)
POLICE: Well, we wouldn't normally do this, but, since you're a TV character watched by who-knows-how-many people, we're going to assign a guard to keep an eye on you, wherever you go, just to be safe. He'll be discreet, don't worry.
D: Discreet is good... wouldn't want any jealousy going on around here.
(Several hours later: we see a guard stationed outside of Maddie's office door. This leaves the office staff feeling somewhat uneasy, and the male employees are constantly giving the guard nervous glances, afraid that he might be up to something suspicious. Suddenly, Terri walks into the office, startling everyone.)
A (looking at Terri): No scars!
T: What?
A (to employees): She's not the guy! She doesn't have any scars!
(the entire staff breathes a huge sigh of relief, and then they resume doing useless tasks like filing nails, talking on the phone, etc. Meanwhile, David has gone into Maddie's office, keeping her company as she is still freaked out by the day's events. She has been in the bathroom for a while.)
D: You alright in there?
M: I'll just be a minute... make yourself comfortable.
D: I'd be quite comfortable to join you in there, but then again, what kind of office decorum would that be. Nah, I'll just sit here and look good for the camera.
(Maddie emerges from the bathroom, hair and makeup nicely done up.)
D: You don't look so bad yourself.
M: Thank you David.
D: Playing model on company time. What's the occassion?
M: No occassion. I just thought I should look nice.
D: Look pretty mean to me.
(Maddie makes a playful growling face. David starts shaking his head in laughter.)
M: What?
D. I know you. Somethin's gotta be up. You wouldn't be doing this just for ol' Dave.
M: Well, a girl like me gets a lot of glances.
D: Yeah, but you don't care about all that. You're Maddie Hayes, the big boss, the big businesswoman.
M: I'm also Maddie Hayes, the GROWN woman.
D: This wouldn't have anything to do with that new friend of yours...
M: My "stalker"?
D: If that's what you wanna call him.
M: You're the one who started this whole stalker idea, David. He's just a mugger, a common thief, and I don't care what his opinion is of me or my possessions.
D: I beg to differ.
M: Keep begging, Addison!
D: I bet you're thinking about him right now... his house filled with little trinkets of yours he won at auctions...
M: Trinkets? I'd like to think they'd be worth something---
D: ...his walls covered with photographs of you.
M: I'd like to think that I'M worth something without you blowing it up into some huge drama--
D: Your man, Johnny D. Stalker, lying there at night, staring at the ceiling, knowing every line on your face, every detail of your life, knowing that he would do anything for you...
(The phrase "do anything for you" has a strange resonance and Maddie and David's eyes lock suddenly and they find themselves staring at each other without speaking for a brief and passionate moment.)
A (knocks on Maddie's door): Mr. Addison? Miss Hayes? There's someone here to see you.
D (opens door cautiously): Safe?
A: Safe! Safer than safe!
D (sees Terri): Safe indeed.
T: You wish, Addison.
D: Safe, soft, sarcastic... all the qualities I look for in a stalker. Come on in, special, today only, all-you-can-steal from the Blue Moon goddess. Maybe it'll be worth something in twenty years.
T (enters office): Did I come at a bad time?
M (putting on a happy face): Not at all, make yourself comfortable.
D: I take it you've met my co-worker, Maddie Hayes.
(Maddie and Terri awkwardly shake hands.)
M: We have, I just wish it had been under better circumstances.
T: That was a crazy time for everybody, believe me.
D: Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
T: I really don't want to waste anyone's time. And besides, I'm not used to spending more than five minutes in a room at any given time anymore. Motherhood has turned into quite a job! and I really am sorry about what happened, you two would've made amazing parents!
D: Thanks.
T: But if it's any consolation, parenting IS hard work. That's why I'm here. I hope this doesn't sound weird, and I don't want to put you two in a weird position, but I need a baby-sitter for tonight.
(they look at her with a surprised disbelieving expression).You can say no if you want to, but I wanted someone I could trust, not some teenage girl.
D: Baby-sitter Addison, at your service!
T: Great, I knew I could count on you two! See you at seven?
D: I'd be delighted---
M: WE'D be delighted, Ms. Knowles!
T: You guys are lifesavers! I hate to run but I've got a class! See ya at seven!
(Terri leaves. The staff keeps a watchful eye on her as she exits.)
D: At ease men.
(they go back to the "grindstone")
D: and no 976 numbers!
(3 men prompty hang up their phones with a grumble.)
D (back in Maddie's office): Well, I better get some shut-eye, I got some baby-watching to do tonight.
M: You? What about me?
D: About all that "we" stuff, I'm sure she was just being nice.
M: Just being nice???
D: Look, I know what you've been through, what we've been through, I know how hard this is for you, but I'll be alright just doing it myself, don't worry.
M: Please, David, I'm a grown woman, I can handle this. You don't think I can take care of a baby?
D: That's not what I meant--
M: I'll pick you up at 6: 30, Addison!
D: You and the whole entourage?
M: The guard is very discreet.
D: He's so discreet he's got the whole office on edge. Don't wanna know how little baby Knowles would react to that guy.
M: Well I'm sure the baby's more mature than certain members of this staff.
D: Fine, if you want to pretend this doesn't bother you, go ahead. But don't say it was my idea.
M: You, have an idea? What a concept!
D: It can't be a concept... unless you already have an idea, that is. A concept IS an idea. That's one of those chicken and the egg deals, wouldn't want to bore your mature adult mind with that...
M (no patience left): 6:30, Addison!!
D: Gotcha.
(David leaves Maddie's office, and by the look on her face, we can tell she is already having second thoughts about the whole babysitting thing.)
END PART 1
(7:00 P.M. that night... Maddie and David have arrived at Terri's house, and she is just leaving.)
T: If you need anything, the numbers are on the fridge. You're sure you can handle this?
D: Hey, do birds sing? Does a bear have fur?
T: Uh-huh, Addison. I really appreciate this, you two! Oh, and I hate to seem totally irresponsible, but I'm a bit understocked on food at the moment. There's a great burger place just down the street, you remember the one?
D: I remember it well.
T: Well, you're welcome to take little Walter down there for a bite to eat. It's his favorite place. Thanks again, you two! No fighting!!
(She leaves.)
D: Nice cozy place.
M (sitting at a wooden table): Poor Terri. She seems so... overwhelmed!
D (in an alomost angry tone of voice): Don't shed any tears for her. She's doing a fine job.
M: David, do you think I would've made a bad mother?
D: I didn't say that--
M: Just tell me the truth, David. I would hope that we're in a place in our relationship where we can be honest with each other. You don't have to play games with me anymore, I just want to know what you're thinking.
D (sits down across from her): OK, well, sometimes I do wonder if motherhood is really your game.
M: My game? It's not a game-- and in case you keep forgetting, I'm a grown woman, David--
D: What I mean is, you're still focused on yourself. I saw you in the office today, primping yourself up just because you might have a secret admirer. You can't be a mother and still expect to spend hours in front of mirror getting the color of your lipstick right. You can't be that self-centered!
M: Self-centered??? Look who's talking about self-centered!!! You're all ready to forget this thing ever happened and go back to your stupid jet-set playboy lifestyle! Leaving first thing in the morning... if you had been there with me, maybe I wouldn't have been robbed!!
D: Well, maybe I'm just finding it a little bit easier to accept that this is our destiny. Look at us, we weren't meant to be parents! It's obvious that it was supposed to happen this way, and it's probably just as well--
M: Don't you tell me about what's supposed to happen! This can't be my life---
(Of course, in the midst of all this loud fighting, baby Knowles has started crying. Maddie and David finally realize, and Maddie picks up the baby and starts humming softly. The baby stops crying, and a tear falls from Maddie's face.)
M: What a mess.
D: I know. How about some burgers?
M (to the baby): What do you think, Walter? Sounds like a plan.
D: Don't forget to invite Mr. T and the A-Team.
M: Don't worry, they're discreet!
(The restaurant: it is the same burger place from "Fetal Attraction", but Maddie and David are sitting at a booth facing each other, with the baby parked in his carriage next to them. Maddie's guard squad is not seen because they are stationed discreetly in the parking lot. The waitress has left M&D with some food and David is entertaining Walter with a baby toy. Maddie looks thoughtful.)
M: David---
D: What?
M: I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how I acted before. You were right, I guess I'm just not ready for motherhood.
D: No, I'm sorry, Maddie. You'd make a great mother. I mean, there's no one I'd want to be a father with except you.
M: You mean that?
D: You know it.
M: David... there's something I've been wanting to tell you... something I should've told you. That last night at the hospital, they did some tests... It was your baby, David. You were the father.
(David doesn't say anything, and doesn't look right at Maddie, but the expression on his face is somewhere between a grimace and a smirk. Finally, she reaches out her hand and he takes it. He appears on the verge of tears, but doesn't let the emotion pour out. Maddie gives a reassuring smile, and this time it's genuine. Suddenly, the waitress appears.)
WAITRESS: Everything alright here?
D: Everything's gonna be great.
(Waitress leaves. Maddie picks up the baby and he starts giggling.)
D: See, look at that, he's already got great taste in women!
(She tries to eat her food while holding the baby, then laughs at the awkwardness of it.)
M: Here, you better play with Uncle David for a minute.
(Just then, the stalker appears, though he is trying to pass himself off as a waiter. Maddie immediately notices the scar.)
STALKER: Is everything alright here?
M (while frantically motioning at David to "do something!"): Oh, everything's just fine...
S: Can I take your coat please, miss?
M (as he tries to grab her coat): Oh, really, that's not necessary, (he persists...) I'm quite comfortable, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
(She gets up, screaming as the whole restaurant looks on. The stalker starts to run off.)
M: STOP THAT MAN!!!
(She tries to run after him, but she trips on a table leg and falls.)
D (bringing the baby carriage, which is empty): Get in!!
M: David!!!
D: Save the arguing for the next scene, we got a chase to finish!
(Maddie reluctantly gets into the baby carriage, but of course, she barely fits, and her arms and legs are dangling wildly all over the place. David begins pushing the carriage at full speed, causing Maddie to scream. David prompty sticks a piece of burger in her mouth to act as a pacifier. She is still protesting, but her screams are muffled by the burger. She holds on for dear life as David pushes the carriage at top speed, chasing after the stalker. Wacky "chase music" plays during this whole scene. The whole restaurant is in disarray as the stalker runs, jumping from table to table, and M&D do their best to follow. The stalker finally bolts for the door, and as M&D follow, an old couple see them zoom past.)
OLD MAN (seeing David zooming by with Maddie in the baby carriage): Damn hippie kids.
(Outside, the chase continues. David tries to get the attention of Maddie's guards, who are stationed in a van in the parking lot.)
D: Hey, GUARD!!!
(they continue running until it seems they have the stalker pinned to a chain link fence. Just then, he pulls out a knife.)
STALKER (to Maddie): I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to have to do this. If you'll just come with me for one night, I promise---
D: Over my dead body.
(Maddie is still holding on for dear life, letting out muffled screams. David looks like he is going to attack the stalker, but then suddenly David disappears into the darkness. Maddie protests.)
STALKER: Well, looks like it's just you and me now...
D (offscreen): you, me, and the leftovers!
(suddenly he pushes a huge dumpster over, knocking the garbage out onto the now helpless stalker.)
D: That's what happens when you don't eat your greens.
(Maddie grumbles, as if to acknowledge how stupid his line was.)
D: Not even weaning and she's already got an attitude!
(Just then, the guards appear. One of them, a sloppy truck-driver type in an undershirt, is finishing off some french fries.)
D: What the hell took you so long?
GUARD (shrugs): we were being discreet.
(David helps Maddie out of the carriage, and she finishes eating her burger, now that her hands are free. The guards start to take the stalker away.)
GUARD (to stalker): Got anything to say for yourself?
STALKER: can I have a kiss?
(Maddie kisses David passionately, right in front of the stalker. The guards take him away.)
D: Wow, you make one great baby.
M: David---
M&D together: THE BABY!!!
---------------------------
(Final scene: M&D get in the car outside of Terri's house; Terri thanks them for babysitting.)
M (as they drive off): Wow, are we awful or what?
D: Don't sweat it, we got the baby back safe and sound. The waitresses took good care of him.
M (after a pause): You were right David, I'm not ready. I guess it was silly of me, thinking I could be a mother.
D: Well, I'm sorry I doubted you so much. I mean, about the stalker. You really DID have a stalker. Kinda makes me think...
M (feigning surprise): It does??
D: Kinda makes me think that maybe I should try agreeing with you once in a while.
M: Agreeing with me? Now there's a mature thought.
D: Yeah. So I was thinkin, why don't we go back to your place and do some mutual agreein'? No no no, strike that, just drop me off at my place. That's the mature thing to do.
M: well--
D: well--
M: If you insist.
D: I insist. Maturity is its own reward.
(We see a shot of the car from behind, driving off. The following is heard in voiceovers, as we see the car driving off:)
M: David---
D: Maddie?
M: I think I kinda like being immature!!!!
D: Well... in that case... do you like this?
M: Oh, David...
D: Oh, Maddie...
(freeze frame. The end! :-)