Title: Byakuya in Love
Author: Shao Bei Bei
Rating: T
Genre: Romance/Humor
Summary: Byakuya tries to express his feelings for Ichigo with a handmade card. Unfortunately, he and Rukia are rather similar in their artistic abilities...
Warnings: crack, implied sexual kinks like bondage and whipped cream, Byakuya's awful art. And Hitsugaya's childhood trauma. Ichigo's dirty mouth.
Author's Note: I'm sorry. It's just complete crack. Forgive me. Inspired by the Bleach at the Beach omake chapter.
Archived On: Fanfiction, Livejournal

There were lots of things you didn't see in the Soul Society. Like air conditioning, for example. That's what they had Captain Hitsugaya for. But what ranked the top of Renji's list of 'Things You Don't See in Soul Society' was what was currently sitting before him, sighing and staring off into space and generally being a lazy pain in the ass.

Captain Kuchiki was lovesick.

Captains did not fall in love. It was like an unwritten rule that they all followed. When captains fell in love, authority was abused and usually someone got molested, demoted, or beaten with a sheathed zankaputo. After all, just look at what happened when - no, never mind. That incident was far too disturbing for Renji to remember and he'd rather not think about the head captain in that light again. Ever.

Besides, he knew Captain Hitsugaya would brutally kill him on the spot if he brought up his childhood trauma again.

Anyhow, Captain Kuchiki Byakuya, legendary among the shinigami women for his unattainability, was lovesick. How did Renji know? Well, he'd been in love plenty of times himself, he knew the signs well enough.

Constant sighing and drifting off into space: check, as proven by the huge stack of paperwork on his desk.

Lack of response to people calling his name and/or slapping him with a sheath: check. It had scared Renji to attack his captain but desperate times called for desperate measures, especially when he saw that some of the lower seated officers were ever so inconspicuously moving paperwork from Byakuya's desk to his.

Contemplating a locket picture of Kurosaki Ichigo for hours at a time: che - wait, what?

Renji stared at his captain for a moment before rubbing at his eyes and trying again. No, the golden locket, complete with a picture of the orange-haired human, was still there. What's more, it was an excessively large locket, one that made Renji wonder why he hadn't seen it before. It seemed that the bulky uniforms of the captains were for more than concealing weapons.

"Captain." He tried again. Byakuya didn't stir. "Are you in love with er, Ichigo?"

Byakuya was alert so suddenly it nearly blew Renji away.

"Ichigo?" He asked wildly, eyes glancing back and forth as they searched for the missing shinigami. "Where?"

Renji coughed as he tried to hide his laughter. He respected his captain, but jeez, did he have it bad. It was as if the man had never been in love before, and prolonging it until now made the gods angry and decide to punish him.

"Sir, I asked if you were in love with Ichigo." He repeated. The man turned scarlet.

"I, uh, er - " It was the most flustered Renji had ever seen him and it was a little bit of a turn-on, not that Renji had a thing for his captain. Byakuya ran a hand through his frazzled hair. "Is it that obvious?"

"Captain, have you taken a look at yourself?" He pointed to the locket, which Byakuya hid immediately. "It's distracting you from your work. I think we need to do something."

"Like what?" Byakuya asked. "I'm not even sure if I'm in, in love with him, it's just that I can't stop thinking about him and dreaming about him and plotting to - er, never mind."

Renji was suddenly reminded very strongly of the Hitsugaya Yamamoto-Genryusai incident and decided not to pry any further.

"Well, I hear it's a romantic holiday in the human world. I think it's called Valentine's Day. Why don't you look into it?" He suggested.

Two hours later he was sorely regretting ever poking his nose in.

Hm...according to the research he had Renji do, Valentine's Day was a holiday where people gave their loved one chocolate to express their feelings. Since Byakuya had no chocolate and couldn't buy any himself due to the rumors it would cause, Renji refused to run any more errands for him, he couldn't ask anyone else to get some, and he obviously couldn't go to the human world to get some himself because his last trip to procure things had ended in disaster, he had to turn to the next best thing to get him.

A hand-made card.

He had read that, with much care and love put into making one, it would express his feelings perfectly. And the first step, of course, was a cover illustration.

He was sure it would be perfect. After all, hadn't Rukia told him that his art was amazing? She showered it with praise every time he made some.

He had decided on the perfect image. It would be of him and Ichigo happily cuddling.

Sleeves rolled up, humming, subordinates looking on and wondering if their captain had gone insane, he got started.

An hour later he was completely done with it, cover illustration, message, and all. In his opinion, it was a masterpiece and perfect for expressing his love. Now, to give it to Ichigo.

He summoned a Hell Butterfly and tied the card to it. After a moment of consideration, he summoned three more to help. Then he sent them off.

"Now, we wait for him to come." Byakuya sat back in his chair and folded his hands neatly in his lap.

"Captain?"

"Hush, Renji."

"But, the paper - "

"Hush."

"What the fuck is this."

It wasn't a question.

The most Ichigo could make of the strange card was a deformed ice cream and a fluffy carrot having sex. Rukia, however, had a different interpretation.

"Are you blind, Ichigo? This magnificence could only be my brother's work! It is obviously a picture of you and him cuddling happily! Look at the message inside!" She exclaimed. Ichigo opened the card.

Dear Ichigo,

Renji says I've been getting distracted lately, so I should tell you my feelings. I love you. I dream about you. I want to cover you in that delectable thing that Rukia brought back last time - whipped cream, was it called? and lick it off of you. Please bring some more next time you come to Soul Society.

Sincerely,

Byakuya

Ichigo nearly choked to death.

"Sincerely my ass! What kind of a prank is this?" He gasped once normal breathing had been restored.

Rukia was offended.

"No one could replicate my brother's beautiful art style so well!" She declared. "It must truly be from him!" Apparently she was unperturbed that her precious brother wanted to cover her friend in whipped cream and lick it off. "Quickly, Ichigo! We must go to Soul Society! Do you have any whipped cream?"

Ichigo groaned. This was going to be awkward.

"Captain, please! At least do some paperwork while you're waiting!" Renji begged. Byakuya remained unmoved - at least until he detected a familiar spiritual pressure on its way.

"He's here!" He said delightedly. His subordinates said the same thing, only with some relief in there as well.

"Brother!" Rukia burst in, dragging a tied-up and gagged Ichigo behind her. "I brought Ichigo! And the whipped cream!"

"You're such a good little sister!" Byakuya patted his sister's head. "You even tied him up for me so I wouldn't have to do it! How did you know I wanted him that way?"

Rukia was clueless as to what he meant but got distracted by his patting.

"Look! We even brought you a whole case of whipped cream!" She plopped the box into his arms and then gave the end of the rope she was holding to him. "I called Ichigo's school and told them he was sick so you can keep him for as long as you want!" This got her even more patting.

"You're the best little sister in the world, Rukia!" Byakuya cackled somewhat evilly as he dragged Ichigo off. Some of his subordinates made plans to commit suicide. And Ichigo - well, he was bound and helpless.

Renji looked at Rukia.

"So er, what did you tell his school he was sick with?" He asked as he offered her a juice box and a seat at his paperwork-covered desk. She got his intention immediately and got to work.

"Oh, just something called terminal cancer. They asked me when he was 'going' and I said a few months." She said through the brush in her teeth.

Renji sweatdropped.

Oh, poor, poor Ichigo...

There were lots of things you didn't see in Soul Society. But now there were two things Renji hoped to never encounter: one, a heartbroken Byakuya. And two, Ichigo when he finally escaped Byakuya's clutches and found out what Rukia had done.