Trek Wars
By Lieuten Keen
I like to let all my crazy out at once.
A/N: I have the elevated humor of a twelve year old boy. So there're jokes about body parts, body fluids, body emissions and bodies in general. There's also HoYay, HetYay, GroupYay and possibly AnimalYay, even a little RobotYay. I tried to throw in a little something for everyone.
Thanks to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount Studios for creating and keeping Star Trek alive and George Lucas and Lucasfilms for Star Wars. Without them I wouldn't have had much of a childhood. I kid because I love.
This started out as a dare by a friend for me to kill Archer in prose. We opened a bottle of wine and talked about it, Then opened another bottle, and there was giggling and possibly a third bottle....In other news, Kids...Don't drink and write. it's not pretty.
Trek Wars
Chapter 1: A New Whore:
Jon Quantum was just a regular farm boy until one fateful day when he chased his new pet, Port Hose, across the vast desert of his small homeworld. He got lost because he has no sense of direction and refused to ask for help, so it was lucky that he found an old man. Quantum followed the old man into his shack, under the pretense of using his phone to call home.
"Come sit on my lap, boy," the old man invited, patting his legs with a gleam in his eye.
"I don't even know you, mister. You could be some crazed pervert!" Quantum protested.
"I am called Daniels," said the old man. Years of training told him that the Farce was strong in this young lad with the forehead wrinkles.
"Daniels?" Quantum repeated. "As in 'Oh-BendMeOver Daniels'? You're a legend around the local tire store!" Quantum grew more excited.
"I haven't been a tire salesman for quite some time," Daniels admitted, pleased nonetheless to have been recognized.
"When you leave here, take me with you!" Quantum pleaded earnestly. "It is my density to travel among the stars!"
"If you won't sit on my lap," Daniels heaved a sigh, "Then I must take you home."
Unfortunately, there was no home for Quantum to return to. Forces of evil had landed and slaughtered his entire family, with the exception of his pet, Port Hose, who had been with Quantum the whole time, although Jon would have left the animal out in the desert were it not for Daniel's reminding him he had a pet in the first place. Port Hose paid his respects to Quantum's old life by lifting a leg and peeing on the corpses.
"I guess I have to come with you now!" Quantum shouted gleefully, unmindful of the smoking corpses still smoldering in the late afternoon desert sun.
Oh-BendMeOver Daniels sighed heavily. "Fine! Come along! But my land-speeder is small. You'll need to sit on my lap."
Quantum, Port Hose and Daniels arrived at the pirate complex on Rigel 10 and made arrangements for transport with a rascally rogue, Hand Solo Tucker. Hand Solo was especially fond of his transport ship, the Soor Uranus. Quantum didn't think it was anything special, but Hand Solo threatened to leave him behind if he didn't profess to love the Soor Uranus as much as Hand Solo did.
Not long after they boarded the transport, Quantum's fears that the ship was a piece of crap was nearly realized as they were attacked by Forces of Evil and forced to pull over for repairs at the Evil Apple Core Helix, where they discovered the beautiful Princess Top'Heavy was being held against her will. She was scheduled for the most heinous of punishments, the replacement of her luscious curves with her formerly flat breasts, which was considered a fate worse than death in the GrabAss Galaxy. While Oh-BendMeOver Daniels created a diversion, and faithful companion Port Hose led security on a wild goose chase, Jon Quantum and Hand Solo Tucker rescued Princess Top'Heavy from Maxim Prison. She was especially grateful to Hand Solo, much to Quantum's dismay.
As the heroes prepared to exit the Evil Apple Core Helix, they boarded the Soor Uranus, but Quantum stopped with one foot on the gangplank. Oh-BendMeOver Daniels could be seen fighting with a strangely sullen enemy. Darth Silik Carsick was a fearsome foe, a man who shunned decency; he was a man whose name 'Carsick' was not just a description of his orange jumpsuit but also of his ability to dissolve into a puddle of vomit on command. He was in the employ of the Shadowy Shower Guy, and using unsavory tactics to get what he wanted was what he did best.
Quantum shouted out encouragements to his friend Oh-BendMeOver Daniels: "Fight as though you're protecting my ass instead of yours!" But to no avail; Daniels was cut down by the insidious Darth Silik Carsick. Carsick immediately turned his attention to the escapees, but was unable to apprehend them when he slipped on a puddle of Port Hose's urine and fell to the ground with a splash as his own protective camouflage came online and turned him into vomit.
The heroes were sad but they got away. Hand Solo Tucker was made less sad, not just because he didn't know Oh-BendMeOver very well (he'd never sat in his rubbery lap) but also because Princess Top'Heavy was excited to keep her rounded curves, and celebrated by showing them to Captain Hand Solo in a variety of poses and stances. Port Hose wasn't sad because it was his urine that had saved their collective asses, and Quantum wasn't so very sad, because he'd discovered a large mirror in the back of the Soor Uranus and found he could make love to himself all he wanted; an effective way to keep the sadness at bay, he discovered.
Darth Carsick, on the other hand, was really, really sad and no amount of self-pleasure could make him happy. He was contacted by the Shadowy Shower Guy and told that he must recapture the escapees at once. "That one, Jon Quantum, may be important to the whole of existence," Shadowy Shower Guy hissed in his raspy, lisping voice.
"But they are really hard to catch!" Carsick whined.
"I find your lack of faith of the heart disturbing," Shadowy Shower Guy intoned with exaggerated esses. "Find them and bring them to me, or I will make you into a puddle of vomit forever!"
Darth Carsick knew he had no choice. No matter how boyishly handsome Jon Quantum was, he must be turned over to the Shadowy Shower Guy at once.
Our intrepid heroes aboard the Soor Uranus started to take Princess Top'Heavy back to her home world but discovered that they were about to be caught and taken hostage by the Evil Apple Core Helix.
"It's not just a space station," breathed Hand Solo in wonderment. "It's a space ship! Boy! I'd like to get a look at her power couplings!"
Princess Top'Heavy threw him an irritated and slightly jealous glance before calling up the spaceship station's blueprints on the screen. "We will not be taken hostage if you fire your primary weapons at this tiny hole in the center, at the apex of the nacelles," she pointed out.
"Pshaw!" Both Hand Solo and Quantum snorted in derision. "As if girls know anything about machines!" Quantum scoffed.
"My father was the Chief Engineer on the Evil Apple Core Helix Project and I interned there my second semester in college," Top'Heavy pointed out.
"Girls don't know nuthin' about…." Hand Solo stopped short. "Actually, I think she might be right."
"Solo! Don't say that out loud! She'll hear you! And offer more ideas in the future!" Quantum wailed.
It was too late; Princess Top'Heavy knew she was correct. The trio made plans to slip in between the nacelles and deliver a Wide Spread Torpedo into the hole. (Port Hose wasn't helping make plans; he was drinking all the liquid cheese in the refrigerator in order to make more helpful urine.)
Quantum took one look at the smitten look that Princess Top'Heavy offered to Hand Solo Tucker and grew jealous. "I'll be the one to fire the Wide Spread Torpedo into the hole!" he announced. "I will make it in the first shot because it is my density to be the Grand Poobah of the GrabAss Galaxy! Like my father before me!" He grabbed the firing stick and toggled through the targeting scans while Top'Heavy made out with Hand Solo.
The first shot went wide and took out a communications array. The second shot also went wide and left an awful stain about twenty meters short of the tiny hole.
Aboard the Evil Apple Core Helix, Darth Carsick looked worried. His number two, aptly named Number Two, laid his dark brown and odorous hand on Carsick's arm. "They may have found a way to get through our Trojan shields," Number Two fretted.
"I think you overestimate their chances," Darth Carsick refuted. He wasn't as certain as he sounded, since he immediately left the command deck and took refuge in an escape pod.
"Use the Farce, Quantum!" Quantum could almost hear the sound of Oh-BendMeOver's voice in his head and he focused harder. When Hand Solo came up for air and offered to assist, Quantum finally managed to get the Wide Spread Torpedo into the tiny hole at the apex of the nacelles on the aft side of the Evil Apple Core Helix.
The Evil Apple Core Helix exploded.
Top'Heavy and Hand Solo celebrated with more sex. Port Hose piddled on the carpet. And Quantum whipped out the mirror in order to pat himself on the back. Now that he was a true Oh-BendMeOver Master, he wanted someone to sit in his lap. Quantum knocked on the door of the private quarters of Hand Solo.
"Where should we go from here?" he called out, hoping they would join him and maybe sit in his lap for a while.
"Don't worry about it!" Hand Solo called through the closed door. "My navigator Travis MaybeNot will get us to safety!"
"What navigator?" Quantum asked suspiciously.
"My navigator!" Solo shouted breathlessly. "He's been here the whole time! Geez! You were sitting in his lap the whole time you were trying to fire the torpedo!"
Quantum turned around. A young man poked his head out of the cockpit of the Soor Uranus and waved at Quantum with a very warm smile. Craning his own head around, Quantum noticed a suspicious stain on the back of his pants.
He needed a new wardrobe. And then, he would fly straight and steady into his own Density!
A/N: Stay tuned when the adventure continues in TrekWars Eighty Six: The Search for a Decent Plotline!