I'll try to make this a quick AN. Basic run-down: based on a dream I had. Don't think it's my best work, but I wrote it, so I may as well share it. Thanks to friends from KF for beta-ing. It might seem a little confusing at first, but everything clears up by the end of the fic, so hang in there. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Don't own Avatar or any of the characters.
Sometimes I wonder if it really is the thought that counts. You could have an intention and mean it with all of your heart, but in the end does it really justify the means? Because if it is the thought that counts, then I imagine people shouldn't mind eating a burnt, scanty meal when the cook had every intention of making a huge, glorious one instead. They shouldn't complain about being paid only half the days' wages when the man that hired them definitely meant to pay them double. No one should mind when a lover breaks your heart, even though he previously vowed he would never do such a thing, because he most certainly meant it at the time. Right?
I sighed as my eyes ran over the entry I had just inscribed, pausing to tap the extra ink off the end of the quill. I didn't really consider it a diary — at least I told myself that to push away the fact that I was a grown woman writing my most private thoughts into a journal, like a youth — it was just a blank book that was originally meant for sketching. Since my artistic talents were not quite up to par, I decided to use it to record my innermost thoughts. It seemed a little different from a diary in that way; it wasn't a mere documentation of current events in my life. Instead, I saw it as a release, a way to pull the thoughts and emotions out of my head and heart and put them into words on a piece of tangible paper.
Closing my eyes, I let out a breath of air, feeling the regret I had been wanting to release go with it. My hand felt for the cover of the book, and I closed it gently with hesitant fingers. A small smile crept across my face. Maybe it was childish, but it worked. I felt much better. Regret wasn't even an emotion I should be feeling right now at all. My decision led to several beneficial changes in the political world, as well as the newest addition to my own personal life: my daughter.
She was the most beautiful being that the world has ever conjured up, and for that reason alone I felt overly blessed that I should be the one with the privilege of raising her. Sakari. My sweet, sweet child. Never in a million years did I think it was possible to love someone as much as I loved her. My heart swelled with pride every time I laid eyes upon her. The thought of seeing her peaceful, sleeping figure urged me to hide my journal and check on her, just in case. After placing the book in the small drawer in the night table I had next to my side of the bed, I quietly slipped out of the dim room, careful not to wake my sleeping partner.
My hair hung in loose tendrils around my shoulders and down my back as I crept through my large, expansive house. It didn't take long for me to reach Sakari's room; after she was born, I had her placed in the nearest bedroom to my own. Having her too far from me was disconcerting.
Silence filled the air in my daughter's room. I glided over to her cradle, hardly even daring to breath. Glancing down at her, noticing the small breaths she took that moved the blanket up and down, I couldn't help but smile. There she was, in all her precious innocence. My little girl. My little heartbeat.
A bit of guilt washed over me, creasing my eyebrows slightly and causing me to frown. Was it selfish of me to think of her as mine, and only mine? There was one other soul in this world who could claim her as his own; only one other person had the right to hold her, kiss her, rock her to sleep, call her his little girl. His little heartbeat.
I suppose if I had to choose one other person to be that soul, it would be him.
I nodded to myself as if to affirm this decision, as if that would wash away any residual guilt that was still there. Once upon a time, I would have never, ever have thought that anyone besides my soul mate would father my children. But sometimes those duties you hold to the world come before those that you hold to yourself.
It was strange. Usually it was much harder to hold it back, to not let the emotion wash over me like a wave that, despite my bending prowess, I had no control over. In this silent darkness, though, I felt safe from the broken nostalgia that visited me so much in the earliest months of my marriage. Lately I seemed to have something else that protected my heart. It was like a blanket that kept me warm from the creeping chills of the past.
My eyes flickered down to my daughter again. Her skin was pale like my husband's; her hair was dark like mine. Strangely enough, her eyes belonged to neither of us. Instead, they were a stunning shade of gray.
Rather then catapulting myself into the past, to a time when my naïveté and hope kept me oblivious to the path that fate would inevitably have me walk, I allowed my mind to wander to the future. It was the most frightening time to think about, simply because no one knew exactly what was going to happen. But in this fantasy, I allowed myself some happiness.
He was holding her in his strong, gentle arms. She was cooing happily as he rubbed her small, petite nose against his larger, firm one. I was watching from a distance. Somehow, despite the fact that I was not the one that held her in my arms, I was elated. Seeing her in his arms, seeing the love between them could cause me nothing but joy.
My eyes opened again and I eased back into reality. It was a smooth transition rather than the usual snap back to earth. The fulfilling feeling of peace and joy was still there. Forcing myself to move out of the room, I took one last glance at my daughter to make sure she was still breathing, and I started on my way back to my room.
It's funny how easy it is to tell whether someone is awake or asleep. The darkness seems calm and peaceful when they are sleeping, but when they become conscious again, it's like the air becomes crowded with their thoughts and you can't help but notice it. My husband lay still as death when I entered the room, but one foot in the door was all it took for me to know that he was not sleeping.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as I climbed back into bed and pulled the blankets over my legs. "Did I wake you?"
He rolled over in order to face me, his green eyes deep and gentle even in the near total darkness. His normally kempt and perfect hair was spread in every which way across the pillow, making a sandy brown mess about his calm visage.
"Yes, actually," he spoke back in an equally quiet tone. "What are you doing up?" he continued as I slid my entire body underneath the blankets, save my head. "Is the party tomorrow concerning you?"
"No, not really, anyway," I responded as I fidgeted into a comfortable position facing my husband. "I was just—"
"Checking on Sakari?" he finished my sentence for me.
"Yes," I admitted, a small amused smile gracing my face for a second. My husband didn't smile back, but nodded understandingly with a soft look in his eyes. After a second or two, he exhaled and rolled onto his back.
"Try to get as much sleep as possible, please," he asked, though not with an exasperated tone. Everything my husband said to me was full of peace and respect. "You'll need to be fully rested for the party tomorrow. It's important that we make a good impression on the Fire Nation nobles."
I nodded silently in response, not sure if he noticed or not. He didn't say anything, so I whispered "Good night," rolled over, and fell asleep.
--
The murmur of mingling guests filled my ears as I wove through the crowd, searching for my husband. Sakari squirmed in my arms, wanting to get down and roam free through the house; I tightened my grip on her. She had only recently perfected her walking, and I wasn't sure if letting her go wild in the house with so many noble guests was a good idea. After all, we did need to make a good impression. Submissive and obedient were qualities that the Fire Nation continued to value in their children, despite the fact that their laws had loosened up a lot since the war ended.
I finally found the man I was looking for and let out a breath of relief. These parties were important, and I knew that they were an integral part to connecting the four nations together again after having been so dramatically separated during the war. But they continued to be a constant cause of stress for me and my family.
I approached him from behind; he felt my presence without me having to make myself known.
"Katara," he said with a pleasantly surprised tone. One look into his eyes was all it took for him to hold out his arms and take a struggling Sakari in his arms. He held her closely, and she eventually calmed down, snuggling her face into his chest.
"Zhi," I nodded politely at him, though my voice was full of gratitude for taking the squirming little ball of energy from my arms. The look he gave me clearly showed he was in no way irritated with taking our daughter from me, despite being in a conversation with a Fire Nation lady at the moment.
"Oh, she is simply adorable," the woman squealed as her face lit up. "What's her name?"
"Sakari," Zhi answered, his voice brimming with pride and love. My own heart swelled in the same way. It gladdened me to no end that my husband let me choose the name for our first daughter, a traditional Water Tribe name, instead of insisting that we settle on one of Earth Kingdom descent. Perhaps with the next child…
"I have a son of my own around her age. We should arrange a play date…"
The woman's excited voice faded as I wove my way through the crowd yet again. I didn't feel rude in abandoning the conversation because the woman never even acknowledged my existence. Though this may have bothered me in the early days of my interaction with Fire Nation nobles, I was used to it by now. I had overheard one woman speaking about me at one of my own parties once, and it revealed exactly what the majority thought of me and my marriage to the son of a wealthy Earth Kingdom merchant.
"To strengthen ties among the nations? Hmph! All they did was take a Southern Water Tribe peasant and dress her in fancy gowns and robes. It doesn't change a thing about who she is underneath all the glitter. I personally don't care if her father is an important and respected man in the tribe; he's not the chief, and so she is not a suitable woman for making politically charged marriages."
And I suppose being the Avatar's best friend does absolutely nothing to make me suitable for bringing peace to the world again? There was really no one else from the Water Tribe to marry off, anyway. The only princess had turned into the moon back when the war was still going on.
"Aang," I whispered as I snuck up behind him, having finally located him in the crowd. His head turned swiftly, looking for the source of the voice.
"Katara!" he responded jovially as he turned around and proceeded to envelope me in a hug that lasted for a couple seconds longer than it probably should have.
"Aang," I said painfully into his shoulder. "People are watching. What will they think…?"
He immediately let go and gave me a slightly concerned look. "They'll think that I'm hugging my best friend. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Maybe we should find a more private place to talk," I suggested, my voice strained as I attempted to keep it quiet. I could feel eyes all around us boring through my skin and it made me uncomfortable.
"Sure," he shrugged nonchalantly, and the two of us took off as casually as possible to the gardens located outside, at the rear of the house. We came to a stop near an array of bushes, situated in a lovely design around a small statue. The stars glistened in the sky above us, and if I had been as young and naïve as I once was, I would have thought the scene to be very romantic indeed.
Aang moved a little closer, and placed a hand on my shoulder. I let it linger for a second before gently shrugging it off.
"You shouldn't do that," I said quietly.
"Katara—" he began.
"Aang," I said, turning to face him. Our eyes met, and the longing and pain in his own gray ones told me that perhaps he had not yet lost hope. Neither have I, I tried to communicate with my own eyes. I've just chosen to face reality instead of live in a dream world.
"Aang… I have a child. You have two children. Your duty is to your spouse and the world. And so is mine."
"But I still—"
"I still love you too," I said quietly, peering into his eyes once again to show that I was telling the truth. He was quiet, encouraging me to continue speaking.
"But I'm married to Zhi now. And Sakari, I love her so much. I can tell that Zhi does, too, Aang. He's a good man. Kind and gentle… treats me with respect and equality…"
"Good," Aang said a bit too passionately. "I wouldn't tolerate anything less."
"I know, I know," I said reassuringly. "And I would tell you if our relationship was anything less."
There was an awkward silence. Aang shifted his feet and looked down at me, a thought seeming to have occurred to him. He took a deep breath, but his voice was shaky and vulnerable when he spoke nonetheless.
"But would you tell me if the relationship was something more?"
"It's not like that," I said quickly, looking down at my nails and wondering if maybe he had a point. "If anything, we're only close because he's kind and respectful and I've been living with the man for close to four years now. Besides that, we both hold an unfathomable amount of love for the same person, and I imagine it's very hard to hate someone who wants the very best for his daughter. A daughter that happens to be your daughter as well," I took in a gulp of air after I finished, realizing that I did not breathe once during that entire speech.
"I believe you, Katara," he responded quietly. He took a couple of even breaths before continuing. "I love both my children as well. And my wife is as obedient and respectful and loving to her children as I could ask for. But I'm not in love with her," his final words were strained, and he fought to catch my eye. "I still love you, Katara. I'm still waiting for the day when the world is peaceful enough for us to quietly divorce our respective partners and marry each other for the sole reason you are supposed to marry. For love."
He attempted to take my hand, and as much as I wanted to feel his arms around me and hold him back, I refrained.
"I always wanted to marry for love," I said, wrapping my arms around my torso, suddenly feeling a bit chilly. "But I guess it just wasn't in the cards for us. We were both flung into a time of war and hate. We both need to stay in these marriages to bring peace back to the nations again. You're the Avatar," I said, looking into his eyes, reminding him of his duty — though I doubt he needed it. "You're the most important person in the world, the most capable of bringing peace back into these lands."
A defeated look crossed his face and his eyes turned dejectedly to the ground. "I thought I did that when I took away Fire Lord Ozai's bending," he mumbled.
"So did I," I agreed in an equally dejected voice. "But apparently world peace doesn't happen overnight." A sigh escaped my lips and I looked softly into his eyes. "For now we should just continue along the path we've chosen and hope that everything calms down enough for us to get married in a couple of years."
"Years… right," he responded, his mouth a tight, thin line across his face. I didn't say anything else, but he and I both knew that at the rate things were going right now, a 'couple of years' would most likely be close to ten.
"We should get back inside," I said softly after a minute or two. "They're probably wondering where you are."
"Yeah," Aang said, picking up his staff, which he had propped up against a bush after we first arrived in the gardens. "They're probably missing you, too," he added as we took the first couple of steps.
"Hah," I let out a forced laugh. "None of those Fire Nation nobles even choose to acknowledge me. I'm sure the Avatar catches their eye a lot more often."
Aang didn't have a chance to respond as we stepped back into the crowded, brightly lit rooms. Dodging people as we hurried through the crowd, I desperately searched for Zhi and Sakari, thinking maybe I could take my daughter and introduce her to Aang's son and infant daughter. It would give me something to take my mind off the talk we just had. I also wanted to speak with Aang's wife, whose name escaped me at the moment. She and I had not had many chances for interaction with one another, due to the busy schedules of Aang and Zhi, and I wanted a better idea of what kind of woman she was.
We saw Zhi across the room and had trouble reaching him because of how crowded it was. He was still holding Sakari's tiny form and the same Fire Nation woman was engaging him in a lively conversation. Aang followed closely behind as we made our way to the three of them.
"Your daughter is beautiful, by the way," Aang complimented as we squeezed past a particularly loud group of people.
"Thank you," I said, feeling a blush creep up my neck. "Your children are sweethearts, from the couple times I've met them, that is. They seem to have your demeanor."
"Thank you," Aang replied; I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Katara, Avatar Aang," Zhi said before we were even within touching distance. Somehow, that man always knew when I was coming. I hid a smile as I bowed politely; Aang bowed as well and Zhi bowed even lower, showing respect for the Avatar.
"Wonderful party, Master Zhi," Aang said with a quick smile.
"You're enjoying yourself, then?" Zhi questioned, his eyes glowing.
"Of course," the Avatar replied with a nod.
Zhi's attention was stolen by our daughter, who suddenly started squirming in his arms. He turned quickly to look at the little girl he was holding; the Fire Nation woman held out her hands and asked with a pleading voice, "Oh please, Master Zhi. I have a way with toddlers. Might I?"
All it took was a glance into my eyes for me to give my permission. Zhi turned back to the woman and smiled politely. "Of course," he said, and he handed Sakari over to the woman.
Aang, Zhi, and I watched as the woman held the little girl up to her face and smiled exaggeratedly at her. "Oh, you're precious!" She said with a coo. "You are absolutely precious! Such a beautiful child." Sakari, playing up the moment, giggled and smiled and wiggled her toes, all in an attempt to be even cuter for this woman who was fawning over her. The girl knew she was adorable.
I giggled quietly to myself, watching the effect my daughter had on everyone who saw her. She was a spoiled girl, really; she knew how to get exactly what she wanted and she could barely even speak yet. The prospect, instead of scaring me into being a little tougher with her, both melted my heart and amused me simultaneously. I looked over at Zhi, whose mind was clearly flooded with the same thoughts. His eyes turned to meet mine, and his smile grew even wider.
At that moment, my heart started to race and I felt my cheeks grow a slightly warm. A bit of confusion darkened my face, but only for a second. Zhi took a side step closer to me, and the next thing I knew, his hand was wrapped around mine.
Before that night, the man had never shown any ounce of affection for me. He was respectful, he was kind. He was strong, serene, level-headed, intelligent. He was a wonderful father who knew exactly how to treat my little girl, my little heartbeat. Even our lovemaking, as rarely as it happened, seemed as though he were treating me like a business partner instead of a wife.
But now, his thumb was gently rubbing against the back of my hand in such a way that made me believe he was capable of affection. His fingers were hugging my hand and spreading their warmth throughout my entire body. Out of the corner of my eye, I could even see the proud, loving grin still spread wide across his face.
I could still feel Aang standing on the other side of me. I could feel the tension radiating off his body. I wanted to break away from Zhi, to turn to Aang and lay my head on his chest. I wanted to pull his arms around me, to promise him that everything was going to turn out alright in the end, that one day we'd be married and spend the rest of our sweet lives together, the way a marriage is supposed to be. But something was holding me back.
And that something was holding my hand.