If Only

September 5th, 2007

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow is the first day of high school. I can't believe I'm a freshmen… it seems like only yesterday was my first day of kinder garden… sorta… not really but you know. I can't believe I even passed 8th grade! I mean I barely made it with all Cs!! But anyway….. how are you journal? That's nice… I'm fine thanks for asking. I'm nervous about tomorrow journal! What if I get lost?? Or worse… what if I can't find the BATHROOM!! Ok, ok clam down, deep breaths… few I almost went crazy there didn't I journal? Ok let's try and look on the bright side… hmm well I get to see my friends, a new school a fresh start, homework, tests, studying, failing, hating school, getting up early, no fun… wow… this is gonna be horrible… HELP ME JOURNAL!! I can't do this!! Ok, calm down, deep breaths… don't worry journal I don't do this often. Except when I have to make ORAL PRESENTATIONS!! AHHHH! Ok, ok everything's gonna be ok I'm sure lots of freshmen are feeling exactly the same way as me…. Aw who am I kidding… I'm the only one who has panic attacks when I can't find the bathroom… at least I still have my dignity… but not for LONG!! Ugh… I'm so nervous… maybe it's not as bad as I think… I mean people say high school is some of the best years of your life… hopefully they're not lying to me. I think the greatest thing that will happen tomorrow is seeing my best bud Zexion… what do you think journal?? Yeah, I think he's pretty hot too… if only he thought the same about me. Well, goodnight journal I have a looooooong day tomorrow!

Love, Demyx xoxoxo

It all started with a simple hello and ended with a goodbye. I met Demyx in 1st grade he was the jumpiest most annoying person in the world! But I liked him because he was nice. So over the years we grew closer and closer until nothing could come between us. We were totally inseparable… we were like magnets. We had a strong bond… sometimes we even finished each others sentences. I loved him with all of my heart but now I can only miss him. I like to remember the good days though, like the first day of high school… what a trip!

"Hi can I sit here?" Demyx asked as he boarded the bus.

"Sure no problemo" Said the blonde girl.

"Thanks! Hey are you a freshmen too?" Demyx asked as he sat down.

"Yup! And I'm pretty nervous… I couldn't even get any sleep last night!" She said giggling.

"Me neither! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way… and by the way my name is Demyx."

"Nice to meet you… you can call me Larxene."

"pleasure"



The whole bus ride Demyx and Larxene kept talking about summer reading and what they did over vacation. Demyx was quite happy he made a new friend. Then about 20 minutes later the bus came up to the giant Hillwood High "Where dreams and memories are flushed down the toilet." Famous quote. Larxene and Demyx walked off the bus together and headed to the front doors. They then walked in and were completely lost right on the spot. There were like 50 different hallways you could go down… well maybe not 50 probably about 5… but still very confusing! Until Demyx saw his red headed friend Axel coming from the first hallway.

"Few! What a relief! A familiar face." Said Demyx

"Hey! What's up little buddy?" Axel shouted as he gave Demyx a high five.

"How the hell do I know where I'm going?" Said Demyx

"Easy! First hallway is freshmen, Second is 10th, third is 11th, fourth is 12th, and 5th is the faculty lounge." Axel explained.

"How do you know all of this??" Asked Demyx.

"Easy! I just asked people DUH. Now c'mon let's go see the rest of our buds- and who's this?" Axel asked referring to Larxene.

"Oh this is Larxene, Larxene this is Axel." He said.

They shook hands bla bla bla.

Then Axel lead them down the first hallway which was quite long… until they came to a group of freshmen standing around by some grey lockers.

"Hey! It's Demyx!!" Yelled Roxas running to give him a hug.

"See I told you he'd be standing out there completely lost." Said Axel to his other friends.

"Well then I guess I have to congradulate you on your first time being right." Said Saix patting Axel on the back. Then Axel turned around and gave Saix a playful punch.

"Hey what's your name?" Saix asked Larxene as he spoted her standing alone.

"I'm Larxene… Demyx's friend."

"Nice to meet you… welcome to the family." Saix said.

They were all talking and laughing when Demyx realized that I wasn't around.

"Hey where's Zexion?"

"He should be coming soon." Luxord said.



"Who's Zexion?" asked Larxene. Everybody just kind of ignored that question.

So Demyx raced down the long hallway in search for me. At that time I was just coming through the school doors when I heard that loud annoying voice… Demyx.

"ZEXION!!" He shouted as if he hadn't seen me in years and gave me and bear hug.

During that moment I felt a lot of mixed emotions: 1.) suffocation 2.) like my body was gonna break in half. 3.) the urge to yell help me. And 4.) complete and utter love.

"Demyx! I can't breath!" I shouted.

"Oh sorry there buddy." He said as he put me down.

"It's ok… I've missed you!" I said

"Oh my god same here!"

"I can tell! So how do I get around this place?" I asked

"Here I'll show you." Demyx said as he lead the way down the first hallway… while skipping…

It was a big celebration when I saw everybody. We caught up with each others lives and talked a little until the bell rang for homeroom. It turns out me a Dem were in the same homeroom… pretty cool. It took us like an hour to find it though… but once we got there we sat in our designated spots. Demy and I were right next to each other. Nice.

School was pretty boring… I couldn't find any of my classes, all the teachers just talked for 45 minutes, I had so much schools supplies to go out and buy, and a lot of gigantic text books to lug around. Oh joy. But I had at least one friend in all of my classes including Demyx and it didn't seem as bad as I thought it would be.

September 6th, 2007

Dear Journal,

Hello again friend… School was a crapper… but I guess I really had nothing to be nervous about after all… I found the bathrooms he he. I also saw Zexion… He looked so outrageously sexy in his outfit today… skinny jeans and a cute green t-shirt. He seemed really happy to see me. I think I'm in love with him… Should I tell him? No, too risky. What should I do? Maybe I should send out signals… maybe not. What if he's a homophobe? Nah he's too nice. Maybe I should talk to him about it… I never told anyone not even my parents that I'm gay. I wish it wasn't this scary. I feel like I can't be myself around anyone but Zexion. So I think I should tell him… But not drop the L bomb on him just yet. I wish I could hold him right now… nothing would be better. He smells good too… kind of like a fresh out of the shower sort of smell… kinda like shampoo and soap. I hope he loves me too. Goodnight.

Love, Demyx xoxoxo



I did and I still do.

October 3rd, 2007

Dear Journal,

Man! School is getting on my nerves! Too much homework, too much studying, and I'm already failing 3 classes… this sucks! I also feel like I'm getting a cold a feel really crappy… oh and another thing it's getting cold outside! I hate the cold, I hate shivering! I hate life… but I asked Zex to come over today since it has been so rotten. I hoping to tell him my secret… but with my luck I'm sure he'll be grossed out. I told him I wanted to tell him something important… So he's coming here in about 10 minutes and I'm kind of nervous… it's weird, lately when I see Zexion or talk to him I get so nervous… I start shaking and I get sweaty, my throat gets dry, my heart pounds a million times a minute, and I can't stop staring at him… I've never felt this way before and it's freaking me out. Oh and one more thing to "brighten" my day… Zexion has a girlfriend.

-Demyx

I remember that night that I came over Demyx's house like it was yesterday. The most awkward night of my life… now that I think of it me and Demyx had started to become less comfortable around each other… now I know why.

I got to Dem's house wondering what the "important" thing was that he needed to tell me. I knocked on his door and his mom opened it.

"Why hey there Zexion! Come on in, Demyx is up in his room waiting for you." She said.

I took my shoes off and climbed up the carpeted stairs. I got to Demyx's room and knocked on the white door. I could hear him playing guitar. It sounded nice.

"Hey Zex" Said Demyx.

He didn't seem so happy.

"Hey… so what did you need to tell me?" I asked.

"Well it's kind of hard to say. You may think it's silly I dragged you here just to say this."

"Demyx, I will always be there for you through thick and thin… I don't care if you brought me over here just to tell me you have a really bad paper cut I will respect it and do what ever I can do to help you." I said.

"Thanks Zexy. You're great… well here I go" He took a deep breath "Zexion I………"

"You?"

"I love you!!"He shouted. Then he covered his mouth in shock.



I sat there in shock.

"You love me? Like… gay love?" I asked.

"I-I, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to say that. I meant to say I was gay but it came out all wrong." He said.

"Oh." I didn't know what to say.

Silence.

"You think it's nasty don't you?" He said with a tear in his eye.

"You love me?"

"I guess so… yes I do." He said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well why do you love your girlfriend… that's why I love you." He said.

" You love me cus I have big boobs?"

"NO! Zexion… I'm lost." He said.

"Apparently."

He sat there and started to cry. I was being very insensitive.

"You're not helping. You said you'd help me." He cried.

"There's nothing I can do!" I shouted "I came over here expecting something a little easier to deal with. And I found out my best friend loves me. Kind of shocking don't you think!? I can't help you! I'm sorry you're gay. I'm sorry you're abnormal. I'm sorry you're a fag! I can't even look at you! There! Is that what you wanted me to fucking say?? Huh?! Well you got it!" I shouted… I did more then just shout.

He looked at me with a blank stare. He was completely pale as a ghost. I guess he didn't know I really didn't like gay people.

"Get the fuck out of here." He said calmly.

"What?" I didn't hear him the first time.

"I said get the FUCK OUT OF HERE!!" He screamed.

I got scared and was stiff as a board. He stood up right in my face and gave me a hard punch right across the mouth, opened his door and pushed me out. I rammed into the other wall and fell. He then flipped the finger and slammed his door. My lip was bleeding and one of my teeth was missing. My head was also throbbing from banging into that wall. I got out of that house as fast as I could with Dem's mom behind me shouting "What happened?"



It was raining outside terribly… I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to go to school. So I ran, I ran so fast and so far that when I came to an alley in the city I fainted on the ground.

I woke up feeling pain and sickness. There was some blood from my lip where I was laying on the ground. And when I got up I immediately puked everywhere. It was nasty. My head was throbbing… I couldn't even see. I limped into the city and wobbled down the sidewalks and about 5 steps later I fainted again.

I next woke up in a hospital bed. With a cast on my arm, some bandage around my head and some band aid on my lip. And my head was throbbing like crazy!

"W-wha happened?" I mumbled to the nurse next to me fixing my I.V.

"Oh! So glad you're awake. Well Zexion you seemed to have quite a night. Your head was bleeding profusely and your lip was cut wide open. You lost some teeth, you fainted in the middle of the street, and you were vomiting a lot. So what we did was give you stitches in your lip and head and kept you in here. You should be able to go by tomorrow. So Zexion, we would like you to tell us what happened." She said.

"I got in a personal fight with my friend and he punched me in the jaw… then he threw me into a wall and smashed my head…. So then I ran away and fainted in an alley, got up, puked, walked around, and fainted again, then I'm here." I explained.

She nodded her head. And told me everything would be ok then walked out. I sat there just thinking about the awful things I had said to Demyx. I played it back in my head over and over until I started to cry. I had been such a jerk! What the fuck was wrong with me?! I didn't mean any of those things I said. I had to apologize! He deserved to hit me! I deserved this! I was a piece of crap. But I wouldn't be able to get out of the hospital until the next day. It sucked… it really did.

October 4th, 2007

Dear Journal,

FUCK ZEXION! I hate him!! I always will!! You wouldn't believe what he did to me after I accidentally told him I loved him! He called me a FAG!! He said I was abnormal!! He made me cry and didn't care! He's SICK! So I punched him… and I don't regret it. He wasn't in school today… thank god! I don't have to look at his ugly face! I hope he died somewhere in a ditch!! I can't even talk right now journal! BYE!

-DEMYX!!

The line I can't stop thinking about was when he wished I had died. It sent shivers down my spine.

The next day I was happy to get out of that hell hole hospital. I didn't know what to do though. So I didn't do anything like the jerk I was.



I went to school the next day like nothing happened… our friends were surprised but didn't want to ask questions. I sat alone very quiet all day… occasionally I'd get the "Awww Zex what the hell happened? Are you alright?" I'd say yeah, yeah I'm fine and walk away. I felt like shit.

The next 2 months were brutal and strange. November I had no friends cus Demyx blurted out what happened… and in December I started to change a little bit. I dumped my girlfriend, my grades got lower, and sometimes I just skipped school. But there was something about December that just made my life a little brighter… Demyx. It went like this: One day I was just sitting in the hallway before homeroom and heard Demyx so I looked over. I saw him sucking face with Axel. I didn't feel disgust, I felt complete and utter JEALOUSY. I watched them for quite some time as they made out in that hall way… I didn't notice it but I had a tear on my cheek… I was crying. I started sniffling so I ran to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror: Ugly. I dug in my back pack for something sharp… I found some scissors… I took the blade and tried to jab it in my wrist… it wasn't sharp enough. So I found an old CD in my bag and broke it in half. I took the sharp piece and sliced my wrist wide open… it felt great… I wrapped it in paper towels and went home. It was an awful day… that was the day a morphed into the "emo" kid.

June 13th, 2008

Dear Journal,

Today was our last day of school. Pretty sweet. I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. I still can't get my mind off of Zexion. He's changed… he wears all black now and has no real friends. He's real quiet too. I miss him… who am I gonna hang out with in the summer? Everyone else is going on like 8 week vacations… maybe I should call him… too awkward. Me and Axel are going out now… but I think I'm gonna dump him… he's nothing special. Summer's gonna suck. Without Zexion I'm nothing.

-Demyx