Functioning without You
I swallowed hard, taking a step closer to him. His eyes immediately softened. Liquid gold. His hand reached out for me, eyes still sparkling. The smile on my face felt hard. Soft, hard, sparkling. I rushed forward, driven by this feeling, these thoughts. The moment my hand touched his he already had me in his cold, hard, but soft, so soft embrace. "I missed you," his velvety voice breathed into my ear causing my body to shiver involuntarily. No sound left my lips. I promised, I repeated in my head. Over and over, I promised. For just a second, the second he pressed his marble lips to my forehead, I asked myself why I was doing this anyway. But the reason, the purpose, came back to me sooner than I wanted it to. I didn't welcome it in my head but I couldn't send it away either. It was irrevocably and undeniably there, written in stone. Marble, I thought but quickly snapped out of it. "Shouldn't we be going inside, my love?"
I looked up and it cost all my strength not to get lost in those pools of gold. Get a grip, Bella. My weak nod was followed by a blush as I watched him smile at me crookedly. Hand in hand, soft to hard, pale to paler we walked up the porch steps and I, surprisingly, didn't fall. "What's with the bags?," I wondered out loud and forced myself to turn around to look for them. My eyes wandered over the truck and the driveway. No bags. "Where are they?" Edward's soft chuckle made me turn again. "Emmett already brought them to your room, don't worry."
He didn't notice me sigh. Or—which was by far more likely—he ignored it. Inside, I immediately walked into the living room. I had to keep myself from being disappointed that there was no Charlie sitting on the couch, watching some probably very important football match. Because, according to Charlie, football matches were always important. Of course he wasn't home, there was no cruiser parked in the driveway, was there? Lacing my hand with Edward's again—ignoring the I promised!-chanting in the back of my head—we walked upstairs. He held the door open for me which made my face feel hot again. "And people say chivalry is dead," I muttered to myself as I plopped down on my bed. My fiancé—ugh, the word!—didn't comment anything. After a few minutes of silence and nervous fidgeting on my side he asked how Renée was. "She's Renée. Childlike and unorganized like always but at least she's happy with Phil." A smile tugged on my lips as I thought of my loving, wide-eyed mother. She had been so happy that I wanted to stay three whole weeks with her. You know what you have to do, Bella? My mood fell again and I bit my lip to keep from screaming "Why the heck don't you just leave me alone?" into the damp air. I was acting insane. But it was all to much. It was too wrong. It was too sickening. Cold. Cold, paler, hard, sparkling. Soft, so soft. My hands started shaking, but my mind was too far away to notice. Chivalry is dead. Dead. Cold. Hard. Sparkling. My nails dug into my palm, yet not hard enough to draw blood. Soft, so soft. Pools of gold. Pools of blood.
A pressure on my shoulder brought me out of it. I looked at his hand and then at his smooth, flawless face. "Are you all right, Bella?" I bit down on my tongue. "Edward," I said. "Yes?," he asked, his eyes begging me to go on. I released the breath I had been holding and turned fully to face him. Several emotions played in his eyes, from love to anxiety to worry. There was no looking back now. "Edward," I repeated. "I promised." His expression twisted into confusion but he kept quiet. I continued slowly, making sure I wasn't swallowing any words. "I will not become one of you. I will not go to Dartmouth and you will not spend any more hours holding me whilst I sleep." I eyed him carefully. His face was an expressionless mask. I gulped and went on softly. "Edward, I-I… I just need to draw a line under this." His eyes had closed, his hand had dropped from my shoulder.
"If this is about Dartmouth, about sneaking in at night, I can—" I interrupted his frantic whisper.
"No, I'm so sorry. I really am Edward… It's just that I am losing myself whenever I'm with you. It's… it's as if I'm someone entirely else when I'm alone. And I don't think I want to be those two persons. I don't want to be Bella-Bella and Edward's Bella. I realized that when I was in Jacksonville. Edward, I am addicted to you. It's like I'm in a high when I'm with you. Being without you causes me emotional to physical pain. I don't like that I can't seem to function without you." He flinched as I laid my hand on top of his but didn't pull away. "Please don't get me wrong. I love you, I do. I think I always will, until the last second. When I was in Jacksonville, I realized that I want this last second. And I want to be Bella when I die, the real one. I don't want Bella-Bella to slip away…" I stopped as a tear rolled down my cheek but couldn't help but smile sadly at my ridiculous choice of words. Bella-Bella. I wiped it away shakily. I needed to get those words out, end it properly. "Edward," it seemed like an urge to speak out his name again and again for I had vowed to myself that I wouldn't use it ever again after this night. "This won't be the last time you will see me, and you won't move away, promise me please. I just have to do what's best for me, what's best for me and the life I decided I want to have. I want to be completely reasonable and in love when I am with the person I choose to spend my life with. It… it simply isn't possible to do these things in your presence. I'm sorry. So sorry."
His whole body was shaking now and he looked more vulnerable than ever. My words seemed so cruel now, but I knew that for my sake I had to end it when I still could. I didn't want to be a vampire when I finally realized that this wasn't what I wanted. It was what I needed, but I had to distance myself from that feeling. My arms wrapped around his frame on their own accord and I found myself resting my head on his shoulder. "Promise me you won't blame yourself for this. Promise me," I whispered in a tear-streaked voice. He didn't answer, his arms snaked around my torso and pulled me close. As I started to think he wouldn't ever answer I heard a small "I'll try" next to my ear. I smiled in spite of myself. "Tell Alice I love her and that I'm sorry, too. Tell Carlisle and Esme that they will always be my parents, sort of. Tell Jasper I'm sorry I hurt his wife. Tell Emmett I'm sorry I can't go grisly hunting with him. Tell Rosalie she's got what she wanted. Will you?" I felt him nod as a sob escaped my throat. I hesitated for a few seconds before I added, "Please don't murder Alice for not telling you what she saw, okay?" In the corner of my eye, I saw his fists clench and unclench. He didn't answer but I let it go. I had to let him go.
I pulled away from him and it felt as if this was the last time I was going to see him although I had asked him to promise me to not just move away. The smile that played on my lips was sad but it felt oddly free. In one fluid movement Edward stood up and walked to the window, his back to me. I chose to follow that tug of my heart one last time and walked over to him, stood quietly by his side. Swiftly, he opened the window and sat on the branch of that old tree that stood in front of my window in the blink of an eye, looking back at me with an expression that was heartbreaking. "I love you," I breathed and watched him mouth them back at me with those beautiful smooth lips of his. He turned away but hesitated before he disappeared completely out of my life, the new life I had chosen.
"Bella, who made you promise?" I kept looking at him and suddenly, in a sense of self-confidence, I said, "I promised myself."
Disclaimer: I don't own the Twilight Saga.
Well, this is my first One-Shot! It's 3am and I felt like it. I don't know why I chose this theme, it just came out turned out to be it haha xD Anyway, I hope you liked it! Please leave a comment to let me know if I did my job as miserable as I think. (xD)
Love, Kora