APH Olympics Crack
Okay, so this story came from an (unplanned) roleplay chat thing my friend ihaznoideawuttowrite and I did. We were talking about the Olympics (August 10, about two days before the London 2012 Olympics ended) and being the insane Hetalia fans we are, China, England and America slowly crept into the conversation. Note that this is rather cracky and characters will likely be OOC. Ihaznoiideawuttowrite has decided to join me in this roleplay chat thing that I started just randomly with her on email. I want to thank her for pulling out the record of this roleplay thing from her chat history and our other friend for adding the Pokemon bits to it and moving it to Microsoft Word for revision. Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya, and the Olympics to the United Nations. This is my first story, however. With all due respect, please review with constructive criticism; a story is never finished, it is simply abandoned at a certain point. And if we were really perfect at everything, what is the purpose of learning? Thank you very much.
[The nations are looking at the Olympic medal rankings. America's first, followed by China, then England.]
America: "EFF YEAH, I'M THE CHAMPION!"
China: "Why are you always so cocky, aru?"
England: "You're always so overzealous, America, you wanker!"
America: "Well, there was that time China hosted the Olympics, remember? Man, China, you are, like, such an Asian overachiever."
China: "It was my duty to show myself and my memories as an older nation, aru!"
America: "Pfft, yeah, whatever, man! It was totally your crazy Asian-ness showing!"
England: "How did you manage to incorporate that huge animated scroll and all that dancing within just four years? All I did was dance and sing in my opening ceremony."
China: "That? That cheap, aru! We could be better, but they only give us four years, aru!"
America: "Only a commie dude like you would think of something like that! Anyways, how can you even remember all 4000 of those years, man?"
China: "What? 4000 not even half, aru! What you trying to say, foolish American?"
America: "I do what I want, China!"1
England: "You did not just quote Loki for the umpteenth time."
America: "Of course I did! That movie was awesomesauce!"
China: [sighs] "You're so immature, aru! Opium over there can't say anything, aru."
England: [shifty eyes] "Ch-China, you're still not remembering about that, are you? It was 200 years ago, r-right? About the opium incident?"
[A painfully awkward silence ensues, during which China is gathering an evil aura. England attempts to fix the problem.]
England: "And by the way, the food you served at your Olympic ceremony tasted awfully good."
China: "Of course I remember! I remember I went with sailors to America-san's place for first time, before you Europeans, I add! I remember Italy's grandpa! I remember your Ye-ye! I remember your Ye-ye came to buy silk from me to replace all those bed sheets you piss on, aru!"
England: [embarrassed but still trying to stall, also cannot speak Chinese to save his life] "I don't know what Ye-ye means, is it a type of fruit?"
China: [apparently the mangling of one of the simplest phrases of his entire language has ticked him off] "You clearly uneducated! Yeye means grandpa! Ni zhe ge da ben dan!"
England: "I know you called me an idiot."2
America; "Dude, England, you wet your bed that much? Man, and you used to tell me off all the time for wetting mine!"
England: "Oh, you so did not say that, wanker!"
America: [sticks out his tongue] "I totally did!"
[England and America start a one-sided fist fight. AMERICA used OBLIVIOUSNESS! AMERICA'S defense rose sharply! ENGLAND used THROTTLE! It's not very effective… AMERICA used EAT! AMERICA is restored to full health! ENGLAND uses SCONES! It's super effective! AMERICA is paralyzed! It can't attack! AMERICA is no longer paralyzed. AMERICA used MEMORIES FROM HIS STORAGE! It's super effective! ENGLAND fainted! AMERICA gained 384,598 EXP! AMERICA leveled up!]
America: "See? You can't mess with the HERO!"
[ENGLAND used a MAX REVIVE! ENGLAND was restored to full health! CHINA used WOK OF JUSTICE! It's super effective! AMERICA and ENGLAND fainted! CHINA gained 384,598 EXP!]
England: [moans in pain]
America: "Dude, China, what was that for?"
Russia: "Good job, China!"
China: "AAAAARUUUUUUU!"
[CHINA used WOK OF JUSTICE! It's super effective! RUSSIA fainted! CHINA gained 534,343 EXP! CHINA leveled up!]
France: [extremely slightly terrified] "Ch-China! Can I have some of zese wontons? Zey tastes so beautiful, mon ami!"
China: [Has an evil glint in his eye, a creepy grin, the whole Burning of the Books3 package with the deluxe purring voice.] "Of course… NOT!"
France: "Hourra—what?"4
[CHINA used WOK SMASH! It's super effective!]
France: [Let's just say there's now a purple smear that smells suspiciously of roses where France was standing.]
England: "YOU GO CHINA! Smack that cheese-eating surrender monkey!"
China: [still in Burning of the Books mode, with the creepiest laugh you could possibly imagine] "Your turn now, Opium!"
[PRUSSIA used THIEF! PRUSSIA stole CHINA's WONTON!]
Prussia: "I vant zese vital regions zat make zese delicious little things now!"
China: [Temporarily distracted from brutally destroying Prussia.] "Do you, aru?"
[CHINA used WOK of JUSTICE! It's super effective!]
Austria: [pinches the bridge of his nose with a sigh] "Prussia, vhen vill you learn?"
Germany: [openly facepalms] "BRUDER! How many times vill I have to tell you to have more common sense?! There are things you just don't do!"
Hungary: [suddenly feels like a wet-behind-the-ears novice in the face of such awesome cooking utensil-wielding skills.] "Work that wok, China!"
Prussia: [so woozy he sounds drunk] "But dey tashetez sho good!"
[PRUSSIA fainted! China gained 98 EXP!]
China: "Now get OUT of my house, aru!"
[Everyone who hasn't been watching the whole incident is now looking at China. He's breathing heavily in complete Burning of the Books mode, armed with a platinum-alloy state-of-the-art wok. They flee, despite the fact that this is actually London and therefore England's house. Well, everybody but North Italy, who has somehow just woken up.]
N. Italy: "China, Marco Polo introduced me to mio beloved pasta from your noodles, ve~! Make me some Chinese pasta? Please?"
Germany: "ITALY, YOU DUMMKOPF!" [Is about to rush in and drag N. Italy's ass out of danger, as he usually does.]
[N ITALY used PUPPY DOG EYES! It's super effective! CHINA's defense sharply fell! OTHER NATIONS used FLEE!]
Canada: "I think it's about time, eh…. Yes, I need to go out there and use my invisibility to get some free food, eh?"
[A few hours and pounds of pasta/noodles/grain-based foods later… CANADA used THEIF5! CANADA stole CHINA's WONTON!]
Canada: "Y-yes… my invisibility mode finally paid off. I finally got that wonton!"
[And everyone lived happily ever after in fear of China and his WOK OF JUSTICE ™.]
Whew, that was a lot of transcription! Thank you if you read this all the way through. This roleplay was entirely impromptu and unplanned. Credit goes to Teto's Nyan Cat, since she started it.
-ihaznoideawuttowrite
1 Just felt that this sounded funnier and was more K-rated. Plus America would totally blatantly quote anything superhero-related even if it wasn't appropriate for the conversation.
2 I took out that bit about "ONLY four times my age" because China is the oldest living nation.
3 Look it up, you lazy arse. And tell me if you find more brutal periods of Chinese history.
4 Apparently French for "Hooray"
5 This is an actual Pokémon move. I looked it up.