James Carstairs is like a great cloud billowing over a clear blue sky, and as it is, I am the clear blue sky. Today is one of the many days I feel it the most, when he enters the drawing room and he is gentle but I see him and I become increasingly aware of the gravity in this room. Will tossed me that Newton book once and I happened to glance over a few things that interested me; mostly hoping that maybe if I was clever enough, James—Jem—might notice me, just like he did with Tessa.
He is not cruel. Jem floats, I swear and I do not mind for when he scans the place, perhaps in search for a girl who is most probably not me, our eyes meet and he holds our gaze for a few seconds, the corner of his mouth tugging a small smile. I am not aware of what I do in response but this occurrence happens every morning and I expect it. I rise early and do all my necessities and sit in this exact position because Jem is punctual, and I like to think that secretly this was our agreement; that fleeting moment between us is something I hold on throughout the day because it was something he did just for me.
I will not bother with saying I am infatuated with Jem. I will go on all out if he wanted me. I am in love with Jem Carstairs and there is nothing I can do about it. My heart wants Jem but Jem's heart doesn't want me.
Ever since my arrival here in the London Institute, people have been so kind to me, especially Jem, but I have a feeling that Jem is just always kind to everyone. They say that the London Institute is a place where outcasts can belong. It did make sense to me considering a woman led them and her husband tinkered with all sorts of funny mechanisms. There was also Sophie who was tragically beautiful and who I felt deserved more. I always politely tell her that I can bathe and dress myself but she insists. It was a foreign concept to me because I grew up not getting to have much attention. There's the cook who sings about death and Cyril who looks intimidating but smiles the sweetest once you greet him. Will Herondale was just the definition of outcast because he is witty but reserved and he always acted warily, and in love. It wasn't that hard to see, maybe it's because I knew the feeling. Unfortunately for him (and me), Jem and Tessa were getting married. They both look beautiful and I suppose that they do deserve each other. Tessa had gone through so much. She deserves this kind of love, the love that chooses you every day. And then there's Jem. Him, well, I cannot describe him for I can go days upon days just reciting everything I find lovely about Jem Carstairs. He is so good and I see it every single time I look at him that it is almost painful because why does he have to be afflicted like that? I will take his addiction away from him even if he never loves me and even if he still marries Tessa. If I could make Jem happier, I would do it in a heartbeat and I don't mind if I wouldn't be. If Jem is happy then I am happy. I might still be a child in the eyes of those around me and that I haven't learned how love really feels like but Jem makes me feel like soaring over mountains and seas and that is the closest thing I have to saying that I have love inside of my heart. I will not let anyone take this from me simply because they think I am foolish. Only a fool will let love pass by.
I tucked myself away in the corner of the drawing room because that is my place. I know that they want me to be a part of their family but I do not know how to. One day, though, I hope I will fit in perfectly but for now, I fiddle with the teacup in my hand and try to listen to Charlotte's conversation with everyone in the room. This must be of import because the Lightwood brothers were with them and they usually avoid meetings like this. I am only sixteen and although I am a bit older than Cecily, I am far clumsier than she is so they prefer that I guard the premises. I don't mind. I grew up not being a Shadowhunter. This isn't much of a change. I suppose I'm daft because the words fall off my brain and I don't understand quite what they are talking about because most of it sounded like gibberish; maybe it is because I am new to this world and I do not know much about it. Tessa advised me to read about the Nephilim and their ways and she was so enthusiastic about it. I am slow with reading and slower with the sword, what an unbelievable Shadowhunter am I. Henry believes in me, though. He says that I just haven't figured out what my talent is and I trust him because nobody ever thought that I would feel bad about this.
They're going to leave any moment now. I heard something along the lines of worms and Benedict Lightwood. I don't take too much interest. They'll tell that tale later during supper. I see Jem scurrying around and my chest always feels alive when he is in my line of sight. I wonder if he ever notices that I am completely enamoured by him because I cannot look away from him and I pray that my actions do not produce any repercussions that I might regret. After all, I'm really just a passerby to them. I understand. I know where I belong and I have belonged there for all my life.
Jem looked up from what he was doing and his soft features creased once he saw me. I was too deep in thought that I didn't feel the betrayal of a tear sliding down my cheek. I quickly wiped them away and forced the biggest grin I could muster to Jem that hopefully tells him that I am not happy but I do not want him to worry about me. Jem presses his lips together and smiles, silver eyes shining with sympathy.
He makes feel like I belong with a simple smile. I do not know how to cope with that.
Whenever they were out, the Institute becomes eerily quiet. A misstep on a loose floorboard would croak across the halls. With only Cyril and the cook to make conversation with, I prefer to wander the halls, poking and prodding to see if Shadowhunters before built any secret passages or rooms. Their world is always secretive; it is not hard to imagine if they did.
There was one bookshelf in the library that opened to a hidden study room. One had to pull out a series of books to gain access to it. I discovered it by pulling one book after the other. The key books spelled out PEACE using the first letters of their titles. It was quite dusty and the last person who resided here must've forgotten to clean up the piles of books on the table. It was a simple wooden floor space with three wooden walls that I assumed were all bookshelves leading inside here and a stone one that had a window letting the daylight stream in. Only a large table was in the middle, two chairs in front of it and a fancier one inside. On it was a dry piece of a parchment bearing the words "pulvis et umbra sumus." Of course, Will Herondale was the last person inside here.
I sat down on the chair at the front, bunching up my skirt so I can rest my feet on the opposite one facing it. I leaned back and closed my eyes. I do not know why I am in this place. Not just in the secret room but in this Institute, in this world. Why am I a part of it? So my parents were Shadowhunters. They still bailed on me. I grew up in a small farmhouse in Chiswick with people who took care of animals for a living. What do I know about combat? Why do I get taken away from those who loved me even if I wasn't theirs? Why was I taken even from their memories? I wish I could run away from who I really am because as far as I've observed, the life Shadowhunters have involve a plentiful of losing. I am afraid that once I find something I love, it will be taken from me as quickly as it came. Perhaps if I hide in this room, I can just stay forever. I would perish of starvation but I wouldn't have to confront any of my feelings or my destiny anymore. I can sleep in peace.
Voices woke me up. My neck is sore and the voices were arguing. I stood up, dusted my skirt, and inched my way carefully towards one of the wooden walls to find out what was happening. The voices sounded like Will and Jem. The back of this bookshelf must belong to either of them. I pressed up my ear against the wall and tried to listen.
My skin went cold from what they've said. Jem was taking more yin fen since he told Tessa that her love was making him more alive. Although I found it endearing, I was heartbroken. My face was still connected to the wall but the words no longer made sense to me. I only heard of Will's scolding, that Jem's death will approach faster. Something inside of me remained broken as I left the room. I heard fear in Will's voice and love in Jem's, and I shuddered because both can be the death of them. I shut the bookshelf and ran straight to my room. I collapsed on my bed and wept for Tessa and the boys. I wept for the Enclave. I wept for myself as the light disappeared and as my mind found solace in sleep.
They've moved the wedding. Tessa and Jem held their hands by the fireplace. It reeked of yin fen. I stood behind Will, glancing to see his reactions. He was in conflict with himself, all while pretending he isn't affected by any of it. I wanted to hold his trembling hand but as I looked down at my own, I've fallen short as well. I gripped the sides of my dress and focused on Jem. He's paler now, softer, but still beautiful. One would think that someone on the edge of perdition would be more disgruntled but Jem is still beautiful. They were getting married tomorrow. I was to hold flowers and stand beside Tessa while she and Jem are bound together in love. I will not cry, I suppose. If I did, I can tell them that it is because I have not witnessed anything as pure as a marriage. It is not exactly the biggest of lies.
Mortmain thought he can win by buying off the supply of yin fen in exchange for Tessa. As Will muttered once to me when I caught him drunken in the library one night, omnia vincit amor. Love conquers all. I know Jem will not lose someone he loves again but he was selfish enough to not care whether the ones that love him will. I watched Will as he left to search for a cure and I watched as Tessa and Jem hold each other tightly, afraid that one might slip away, and I watched as everybody went off, though with heavy hearts, to resume with their lives. I stood still by the doorway and blinkingly realized that maybe I am no good as a Nephilim because I am more shadow than I am hunter.
Charlotte sent me off to run some errands for her because the wedding was to start anytime soon. I came back to carnage. Not of humans exactly, but it was a frightful scene to arrive upon; parts of metal people scattered around, oil spilt everywhere, the blackness of the substance almost passing for blood. Charlotte quickly informed me that Tessa had been kidnapped by Mortmain's animatronics. I frantically scanned the place for Jem to see if he was alright. Cyril was carrying him back to the Institute and he looked lifeless. I ran towards him and stumbled upon Will and a dying girl. Jessamine, they called her. I shot Will a sympathetic look and continued towards Jem's room. The Silent Brothers were already treating him inside. I paced outside the door, flinching whenever I heard Jem groaning from the pain. I knew that he was almost out of yin fen and I smacked a hand to my mouth when I realized that this must be it. Jem is dying and I am not ready to lose him yet.
Tears started welling from my eyes and it hurt, I love James Carstairs and it hurt. I cannot even approach him and assure him that everything will end up good even if it isn't at the moment because I am not that girl for him. I hit the wall and forced myself to stand up straight. Will and the others were walking towards Jem's room in a flurry. They were worried and frightened. They huddled outside of his door and I decided that I shouldn't intrude on their moment. This was their family and even if there was hope of me being a part of it, it would not be today. I shrunk back to the darkness until they couldn't see me anymore and I sighed, letting the tears fall free as I walked back to my room. I told myself that I will visit Jem. Someone will go after Tessa sooner or later and Charlotte would still be wrangling troubles with the Enclave. There will be a moment when Jem would be alone and I can finally talk to him.
It was two days after the attack that I got my chance with Jem. Will was off to look for Tessa after Jem found out that Will loved Tessa from the start. Poor, sweet Jem granted his blessing to his best friend that since he was too ill to go after Tessa and protect her, as Jem's parabatai, Will should do it. The Institute was agitated with the preoccupations everyone had. Only I seemed to be useless. I spent most of the time eyeing Jem's door to see if I could slip in and speak to him but his room was always visited by the Silent Brothers. Now, there is this free time when no one is inside, which I do not think is good because if the Silent Brothers did not attend to Jem as frequently as before, it means that he is too critical for salvation. I bit my lip and knocked.
It is quite difficult to think of something to say in the presence of the object of your admiration. I was caught unaware of the fact that the only words that I remember saying to him are, "Good morning" or "Tessa is in her room" or "Can you pass the sugar, Jem." He too was quite surprised when I peeked inside his room. My feet kept walking as I heard him tell me to come forward but froze when I was directly in front of him.
'He looks fragile now,' I thought. I fiddled with my fingers and smiled. I do not think that they killed Benedict Lightwood in demon worm form. I think I swallowed him and was now thrashing violently in my stomach. Jem smiled and tried to sit up but I stopped him. I feared that his thin limbs inked with runes might snap off. 'It is not easy to look at an angel,' my mind echoed. I helped adjust his pillow and he thanked me. He took my arm and looked at me and thanked me again. It felt like somebody tightened my corset.
I could not help but surrender to my emotions. I knelt next to his bed. I told myself to look at him and that he is not an angel, he is just a boy. I am allowed to be with him right now.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
"Quite alright. Thank you for visiting me." He smiled. The boy is dying and he still has power over me.
"You're welcome." And then silence. He waited for me, patiently still. I breathed in and blurted, "You aren't dying, right?"
Jem took my hand and his was cold. He was sad and I felt awful that I did that to him. I dropped my gaze. "I am. I feel it. But I've known this feeling for so long, I am not afraid anymore." His response made me look at him. At that moment, grey became my favorite color. With his eyes, I saw myself and I felt good. "You shouldn't go through this. It is unfair."
"Life is unfair. When is it not? I've just accepted that when it is time, it is time."
"But what about Tessa? Will? Charlotte and her baby? Won't you want to stay for them?" Jem tightened his grip on my hand. "Of course, why wouldn't I?" he said.
"You're a Shadowhunter. There must be a way. There is always a way," I pleaded.
"The only way I could survive this is if I become a Silent Brother and-," My eyes widened for the possibility but Jem cut me before I could say anything. "No, no no no. No!" He shook his head furiously like a child.
"But why not?" I exclaimed.
"Because the Silent Brothers don't feel anything. I am going to have to spend eternity with memories and feelings that I can't ever remember. Why would I want to live without happiness or sadness or excitement, fear, amazement…love?" Jem sat up. I was still holding his hand. His hair was disheveled and his chest was rising up and down because of what I made him go through. I look at him; really look at him like I have never seen him before. It struck me harder again and again, the realization that I loved Jem but he loved Tessa and he would much rather die than lose that.
But if I he had a chance, I will not let him die. "They say that Tessa's going to live forever. If you become a Silent Brother, you will live forever." I paused to see if he objected. He was silent. "Yes, I know that they do not get to interact with the Shadowhunters but you don't know what they might have in the future. They can cure you and if you're cured, you don't have to be a Silent Brother anymore. I hope for the future and I trust in it. You can be cured." Jem was looking at our hands. I swallowed and set my jaw. "There will come a time when Tessa will be left all alone, no one by her side. It is a long wait, I know, but you need to be with her. I am not telling you to do anything you do not want but if you won't do it for you, do it for her, the one you love the most."
I exhaled the breath I didn't know I held, stood up and backed away but Jem tugged at my hand. I inched back and stood by him. He looked up at me, the intensity of something new brightening up his face. "Omnia vincit amor." He smiled softly. "Love conquers all."
I was crying from joy. The tears ran down my cheeks as if they've always wanted to be free. I was weeping because of nothing ad because of everything. Jem pulled me near and hugged my waist. I rested my head on his and kissed his temple. He was going to live. He let go and said, "Call the Silent Brothers."
I wiped the tears from my eyes and curtsied because I did not know what else to do. I headed for the door, only to remember that I had to tell him because this was probably the last time I was going to see him again as Jem, beautiful and kind. "One more thing." I stepped closer. James Carstairs was sat on his bed and I loved him so much that it was painful to look and know that I was saying goodbye, but he was smiling at me like he always did and it made me feel like I can do anything. "Jem, you should know that I—"
"I know." His eyes reminded me of home. "Thank you because you do."
I nodded and left the room. I told the Silent Brothers to go to Jem's room and as I watched them walk away, I didn't realize I was crying again until Sophie saw me and rushed by my side, worry etched all over her. I clung to her tiny frame and she asked me what was wrong. I pulled away and smiled.
"Everything will be alright, Sophie. I am not afraid anymore."
Brother Zachariah went up to Scotland all by himself when he heard that an old Shadowhunter friend from the London Institute was nearing her time. The woman wished for a specific Silent Brother to do the ritual of death for her. It was 1932 and he arrived at a quaint home outside the city that one should look out for oftentimes passersby miss it. A friendly face greeted him as he entered her bedroom. The woman's children all reminded Brother Zachariah of a girl back in their home in London that thought nobody saw her but he did, he did.
She smiled that old smile they used when it came to each other. "You came," she said. "Jem, you came."
Brother Zacariah stood next to her bedside, distinctly remembering how long ago, they were in the same situation. "I wrote this one for you. It is the least I can do for the girl who saved me."
"I did not. You saved yourself. You still are."
He positioned his violin and bowed his head. "For the girl who loved me then."
She smiled, closed her eyes, and listened to the sound of peace until finally, finally she falls asleep.