Many thanks to JillyW for beta, mutual dribbling, sharing and analysing to death. Not to mention grand assistance in the use of the 'slow-mo' button.
***** Forgive And FallBy Chya
How easy is it to forgive someone? The words come without thought, ' I look out for my friends,'
But what about the cuts and bruises, the ribs grinding at every breath? The words that sliced to the bone at the time, which still bled freely? The haunted, betrayed eyes in the mirror?
The ability to forgive is something that they say is a virtue, that those who can smile and turn the other cheek will become the saintly. Yet, if his words and actions are so righteous, why does he feel as bruised and broken on the inside as he does on the outside?
What he said to Brennan gave the big man absolution for his sins, absolution for inflicting damage that wasn't entirely his fault. Neither of them mentioned the fact that the drug had altered none of Brennan's feelings; it hadn't made him say those things. All the drug had done was exacerbate and inflame what was already there. And Jesse had let it slide. Let Brennan off and continued to carry around his issues, let himself take the fall.
Again and again, he takes the fall.
Jesse stares at the painkillers in his hand.
They said they believed he could cope now. As if they'd never believed before. And that hurt.
The sad thing is, he always could kick ass big time, had proven it time and again, even against Shalimar, yet none of them had ever acknowledged that. The fact that they did now only served to illustrate how none of them had ever noticed before. He'd fought worse than Brennan before - hell, Shalimar was worse than Brennan. The only difference was that with Brennan he didn't use his powers.
And that makes him angry at the injustice. His special abilities were cowardly, it seemed, something he hid behind. Or so Brennan, so they all seemed to think. Why was it okay for them to use their powers, when his were useless and cowardly? Why did he have to get his face broken before they realised that as a mere human he could still hold his own against a raging lightning lashing Brennan? What gives them the right to judge him?
Anger turns to resentment as he catalogues the ways in which he's had to prove himself.
He'd proven he could work undercover, perhaps not the same kind of environment, but who said determined Russians with something to prove were any less dangerous than hardened killers?
He'd even proven that he could face down his own fears, no greater or lesser than any of the others and that didn't seem to count for anything.
And he'd proven that he could survive betrayal by his own family.
Not once, but twice.
First by his father and now by his adoptive family. Maybe not literally betrayed, but that's how it feels when those you hold dear show such a complete lack of faith. Especially Adam and Brennan. Adam he'd known for a while, but Brennan's contempt had come completely out of left field.
Even his sideline in computer technology was usurped by both Brennan and Shalimar, given the opportunity.
He knocks back the painkillers and waits for them to take the edge off the pain. They won't let him have anything stronger, Shalimar remarking that he'd hate the lethargy far too much, and she was right.
At least when it came to the physical pain.
But he would give anything to be able to stop the pain inside. The physical pain had been dulled for now, but he knows that as the one died, the other would still be here, gnashing teeth and tearing strips off him.
If there was even one iota of truth in what Brennan had said, then he still needs to prove himself. Because one fight can't possibly be enough to erase all those doubts and lack faith in him.
Trouble is, he feels as though he's been giving his all for nothing, and with that kind of return, he doesn't think he has the strength to keep giving.
To keep forgiving.
And to keep falling.
FINIS