Not Cut Out For This

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A supposedly simple mission turns out to be filled with complications. Small, noisy complications that wreak havoc on the entire crew. Somewhat crack-y.

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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

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The Normandy SR-2 had seen many interesting things during its short existence, but there was one mission that turned out to be particularly harrowing.

It was supposed to be a quick and simple mission, something Hackett sent Shepard's way via a quick message, not even worthy of speaking over the comm channel. Find the factory, kick out the mercenaries trying to take it over, comfort a few scared employees, and move on to more important things.

Of course, no one had known that a kindergarten class had been there on a damn field trip.

One teacher had been killed and the other injured trying to protect the children, so, with the remaining teacher in the med bay with strict orders not to be disturbed, Shepard and her crew were stuck with the children overnight, until they could get them back home.

After deliberating, they determined that the children needed to be fed and put to sleep, but after giving them something to eat, the entire class ran around wildly, full of energy and excitement. Most of them had never been on a ship like this before.

Shepard stared at the chaos helplessly. She knew next to nothing about children, and everyone was looking to her to solve this problem.

She looked up as a voice came from above. "Shepard, I believe I can assist."

"Anything, EDI. Anything," Shepard pleaded tiredly.

"If you and the others can collect them in one place, I will attempt to tell them a bedtime story," the AI explained.

Kelly had found some blankets to make up something of a bed for the kids, and Shepard had her team set everything up in the debriefing room, possibly the only place on the ship with enough room for the entire group. It also had a lockable door. That was a bonus.

Once they had corralled the children and gotten the room set up, the majority of Shepard's team was scattered awkwardly around the room, trying to stop kids from escaping, attempting to ignore the children entirely, or being used as a live jungle gym. Once they'd gotten roped into helping, Shepard wouldn't let them leave.

"EDI?" Shepard called. She was so ready to get these kids to sleep and lock the damn door behind them. She was not cut out for this.

At Shepard's prompting, the AI began her story.

"Fox

Socks

Box

Knox

Knox in box.

Fox in socks.

Knox on fox in socks in box.

Socks on Knox and Knox in box.

Fox in socks on box on Knox."

"EDI, that's not going to work," Shepard interrupted.

"My research shows that this is a popular book among children of this age, Shepard."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Because they find it funny when the person reading stumbles over the words!" Maybe she did know a thing or two about kids.

"I see," EDI replied. "Perhaps something from the Brothers Grimm?"

Shepard groaned. "Alright," she called to her team. "We need a new plan. Ideas?" She looked around the room, silently begging for someone to please, please come up with something.

Mordin was the only one to speak up. "Have an idea. Not a story. Performance! Pirates of Penzance. Gilbert and Sullivan."

In spite of the blank and confused looks from the crew, Mordin was insistent. "Need everyone to take part. Bonding experience for crew. Cultural experience for children!"

"I'm sorry," said Jacob, laughing, "But I am not taking part in a musical with you."

"I'll do it," Shepard volunteered, willing to try anything at this point.

Garrus groaned. "Don't let her do it," he insisted. "You haven't heard her try to sing." Shepard's glare shut him up quickly, but the damage had been done.

Mordin shook his head quickly. "Very well. Will have to do production solo. Interesting experiment. For science!"

"Okay, Mordin," Shepard interjected, brought back to focusing on the task at hand as a small child ran headfirst into her shin. "We're not doing a play. Anyone else have a story? Anyone?"

Grunt made a low noise. "I could tell one of the tank memories," he offered gruffly.

Most of the group had no idea what those memories were like, but Shepard's eyes widened in horror. "God, no," she sputtered. "They'll be traumatized for life."

When Shepard looked around again for a volunteer, Samara met her eyes. "I believe I can tell a story for them," she said, serene among the chaos.

"Go for it," Shepard responded in relief. Surely Samara would be able to tell a sufficient story. She was hundreds of years old, and a mother herself. But as Samara's story began to unfold, Shepard got a sinking feeling that this wasn't going anywhere good.

"…and the naughty children got eaten by the thresher maw, because they disobeyed their parents and strayed too far from home," the justicar finished, oblivious to Shepard's dismay and the terrified looks on the faces of the few children who had been listening.

"Um, I think we need another story," Tali said quietly in Shepard's ear. Shepard couldn't agree more. If she had to stay up to comfort children who had thresher maw nightmares…

Shepard looked at Tali helplessly. The quarian spoke up, trying to help the overwhelmed commander. "I might have a story to tell," she said slowly, "But it's an old quarian story about the homeworld. It might not translate well," she explained nervously.

"Please?" was all Shepard could say, slapping away a small hand that had reached for her pistol.

Tali moved to the front of the group, but before she could begin to tell the story, children were swarming over her, knocking on her helmet, tugging on her hood, and, most alarmingly, attempting to play with the suction seals on her suit.

Tali struggled against them in vain, and Shepard realized it was a hopeless cause. She turned to Grunt, who was nearby. "Get them off of her," she ordered exasperatedly, pointing at the children, "And then get her out of here before they breathe into her suit or something."

As Grunt pulled child after child off of the quarian, Zaeed got the kids' attention. "I've got a hell of a story," he began, and Shepard dropped her head into her hands. There was no way this was going to end well.

"There was this one time that I went to save this burning refinery," he stated, and Shepard looked up in surprise. Why would he tell that story?

As she listened, she began to understand. The story was completely changed to turn him into some kind of superhero who went in to save all the helpless refinery workers. And then, oddly enough, he ended it with the refinery exploding spectacularly and him barely surviving, the workers a total loss. "Only I made it back alive," he said smugly.

Shepard rolled her eyes, unable to contain herself. "As I recall, that mission ended with me holding a gun to your head, then saving your ass from certain death."

"That's not how I remember it," was all he would say.

The kids weren't running around as wildly as before, but they weren't sleeping either. "Okay," Shepard said, as much to calm herself as to get everyone else's attention. "Does anyone have any helpful ideas?" She had learned her lesson. "And no, Mordin, we are still not going to perform Gilbert and Sullivan," she directed at the disappointed salarian.

Eventually Kasumi spoke up. "Does anyone else know the story of Robin Hood?" she asked, guessing that many of the other humans would. Jacob and Shepard both nodded. Zaeed gave a non-committal shrug.

"You can help me tell it," the thief explained. "Kids like Robin Hood, right?"

Shepard shrugged. "I think so?"

Kasumi began, her expressive voice finally getting the attention of the children. Shepard let out a sigh of relief. "A very long time ago, there was a man called Robin Hood, who lived in the forest outside a kingdom ruled by a very mean man called Prince John."

"Why was he mean?" a little girl asked with wide eyes.

"Because he took money from everyone in the kingdom," Kasumi explained. "Lots of people were very, very poor and didn't have enough money for food."

"Robin Hood and all his friends decided that they wanted to do something about it," she continued. "So one day when the prince was taking his carriage for a ride through the woods, Robin Hood and his friends stopped him and took a lot of his money so that they could give it to the poor, hungry people."

"But while they were taking the prince's money, Robin Hood noticed a beautiful woman beside the prince in his carriage. Her name was Maid Marian, and she was going to marry the prince even though she didn't want to."

"Why?" came a small voice from the crowd.

"Because the prince made her," the thief supplied. "Remember, he was a very bad man. Robin Hood fell in love with her as soon as he saw her. But Robin Hood was already a criminal for stealing money from the prince, and stealing the prince's future wife would be even worse."

"So Robin Hood tried to forget about her. He and his friends gave all the money they stole to the poor people in the kingdom so that they would have enough to buy food and clothes. The poor people were very happy, and they made Robin Hood their hero," she continued.

"Robin Hood was happy to be a hero, but he couldn't be completely happy. He was still in love with Maid Marian, and he was determined to marry her himself," Kasumi said. "So he decided that he had to rescue her from the prince."

"Heavy risk," Jacob interjected, "But the priiiiiiize…"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him, and he quieted down. Kasumi cleared her throat before going on. "Robin Hood and his friends waited for the day of the royal wedding to save her. They watched from the edge of the woods as Prince John and Maid Marian stood in front of a crowd. But before the wedding could begin—"

"Robin Hood sniped the prince from the woods, a perfect headshot with no collateral damage," Garrus suddenly cut in. "Maid Marian was so impressed that she ran away with Robin Hood immediately, and…" he paused, a thoughtful look on his face, "How do you humans put it?"

"They lived happily ever after?" Shepard dryly supplied.

"That's the one!" he exclaimed, self satisfied.

Shepard gave him a look. "Seriously, Garrus? Did you have to do that?"

And this ignited an argument among the entire team about fairy tales, head shots, and appropriate children's stories that roused the nearly-calm children into more chaos than before.

During all of this, a head popped in. "What on earth is going on in here?" Kelly questioned, observing the room in total anarchy.

Shepard, a child hanging onto each leg, turned to the yeoman. "We were trying to get the kids to sleep," she stated flatly. "Unsuccessfully." One of the children began to climb up her, trying to get into her arms.

"Clearly," Kelly responded, unable to repress a giggle. She came in and closed the door behind her, giving Shepard a reassuring look. "Don't worry, Shepard. I'll take care of it."

Shepard watched her doubtfully, but who was she to try and stop anyone at this point?

But then she and the rest of her team watched in total amazement as Kelly spun a tale of princesses and castles and brave, dashing knights that completely dazzled the kids, finding ways to continue the story until the last of them were asleep.

"You are a miracle worker, Kelly," Shepard whispered to her, one of the sleeping children still in her lap.

Kelly shrugged and grinned. "I'll do anything for you, Commander."

Shepard looked down at the group of kindergarteners, splayed out across the blankets and finally quiet. They were kind of cute when they weren't running and screaming.

Kelly and Shepard were the last to slip out. Shepard gave the room one last look before turning out the light. Maybe kids weren't so bad after all.

…

It was morning before they realized that they were missing one.

After a frantic search of the ship, Shepard and Miranda (who had so rudely excused herself from helping the night before) found the lost little girl in the last place they thought possible.

"MINE!" Jack shouted, her entire body glowing blue as she stood between the child and the two women.

"Jack, we have to give her back to her parents," Shepard tried to reason, but her words fell on deaf ears.

To Shepard's surprise, Jack started screaming and crying about her own horrible childhood, terrifying the little girl who was hiding in the corner behind her.

While Shepard had Jack's attention, Miranda attempted to retrieve the child—which was a very bad move. As Shepard watched Jack and Miranda argue, a dangerous blue glow surrounding them, Shepard shook her head.

Maybe kids were a pain in the ass, but emotionally scarred 'teenagers' (she always mentally categorized Jack as such) were way, way worse.

"That does it," Shepard said, mostly to herself. "I am never, ever having children."

…

"Shepard." The Illusive Man took a long drag on his cigarette. "Miranda tells me that you're trying to enact mandatory ship-wide sterilization."

She nodded, completely serious. "No one on this ship should have kids. Ever. Or be allowed near them."

"I'm told Kelly managed to handle them just fine," he commented, watching for her response.

Shepard waved a hand dismissively. "She's exempt."

"You know you don't have the authority to enact that kind of order, Commander," he told her.

She looked at him haughtily. "This is a serious problem, Illusive Man. This crew is a danger to society!"

He took another drag on his cigarette. "That's my final word, Commander. If you don't want your crew interacting with children, I suggest you stay away from field trips from now on."

Shepard gave him a glare, muttering under her breath as she disappeared from view. He was certain he heard the word "evil" in her quiet rantings somewhere.

The Illusive Man refused to let his amusement show in front of Shepard, but after he cut the transmission, he couldn't hold back a chuckle.

He hit a few buttons on his omni-tool. "Sir?" came a voice.

"Bring me the surveillance feeds from the last twenty-four hours on the Normandy," he ordered. "Along with a bottle of Thessian brandy." He leaned back in his chair and took another long drag on his cigarette. It was going to be a good night.

…