The Adventures of Solid Snake
Episode Two: Ocelot's Revenge
Six months after the incident in Alaska, Solid Snake retreated back to his cabin. There he stayed for two weeks until Colonel Campbell had called him up for an important assignment (the purchasing of beer and porn). Snake completed the assignment, and he did it to the best of his abilities, which had decreased slightly in the last twelve years. But now, back to our story.
The Jiggy Movie Theater, 9:02 PM
"That was the most dramatic movie I've ever seen," Meryl commented as she dabbed her eyes with Snake's hanky.
"Yeah," Snake said. "You'd think James Cameron whouldn't dare make Titanic 2, but it just goes to show you that the man's a genius."
"My favorite part was the twist ending," said the Colonel as he munched on a tub of stale popcorn. "I never would have guessed that Jack was REALLY a Terminator, I mean, WHO would?"
The three walked away from the theater, talking and laughing. Little did they know someone was watching them. Someone EVIL! That someone chuckled to himself and said, "Laugh Snake. Laugh all you like, but that won't change the fact that you're going to die. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"What was that noise?" Snake said, suddenly alert.
"Some bum," answered Campbell.
"Yes," agreed Snake. "That must be it."
The jolly threesome walked back to the 1989 Honda Civic (which had originally brought them to the theater) and climbed in. Within moments, the puffing car disappeared.
"Enjoy life while you can, Snake. You have little of it left anyhow! AHAHAHAHAH!"
And with that, the strange man retreated into the night, where he would go to his one-bedroom apartment and watch free porn on a ten year-old television.
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 9:45 AM
Crouching in the large dumpster behind Wendy's was Roy Campbell, who was currently "reading" the latest issue of Large Asses (with Richard Simmons' gluttious maximus on the cover). Campbell was also enjoying a discarded cheeseburger while wacking off to the pulsing beat of "Enter Sandman" performed by Metallica.
It was then that Campbell's Codec "rang".
"Campbell here," the Colonel said impatiently as he activated the remarkable device.
"Colonel, it's me Snake...DEAR GOD!!!"
Campbell, realizing that he was still masterbating and staring at Richard Simmons' ass, quickly halted everything he was taking part in and pulled his pants up.
"Dammit, Snake!" the Colonel fumed. "Never call me between the hours of eight and nine!"
"But it's nine-fourty, sir," Snake said.
"Damn watch," Campbell mumbled as he tapped quickly on the face of his timepiece.
"Yeah, well," said Snake, grimacing more than slightly, "I need to talk to you about, ugh, Revolver Ocelot."
It was this last statement that caught Campbell's attention. In this sudden moment of awareness, the Colonel released the iron grip on his pants and they tumbled down to his ankles.
"AAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!" Snake hissed as the Codec screen went blank.
"Wait, Snake!" the Colonel said, to no avail. "I-It's the pants! They're a size too large!"
Solid Snake's Alaskan Cabin, 9:43 AM
Snake threw his Codec across the bedroom and watched in satisfaction as it collided with the wall. He then went into a series of chills and shivers which were then followed by full body spasms. After the nausea had passed, Snake rushed to the bathroom and forced his finger down his throat.
"I won't sleep for a week," he said to himself as he finished unloading his lunch.
"David?" Meryl said from downstairs.
Ah, Meryl. So very hot when naked, Snake thought. He quickly rushed downstairs to meet the young red-head.
Revolver Ocelot's Place of Residence, 10:05 AM
Liquid Snake's former henchman sat at the edge of his bed and listened to the young couple in the apartment above his. They're at it again, he thought. Third time today.
Ocelot stared down at the stump that had been his right hand. Though it wasn't Snake's fault that it had been severed by the Ninja's sword, Ocelot, his mind clouded with rage and insanity, firmly believed that it was.
He placed his left hand on his hip, felt the cold steel of his six-shooter. The fiend smiled and said, "Soon, Snake. So very soon."
Solid Snake's Bedroom, 1:37 PM
Snake lay beside an exausted Meryl. Both were nude and coated in sweat from their act of sexual passion. It had began over three hours ago and Snake hadn't once tired nor slowed down.
"You're a race horse, my friend," Snake said silently to himself. He retrieved a cigarette from his nightstand and began to smoke. He was just about to turn over and wake Meryl for Round Two when the image of Campbell flashed in his mind.
He shivered, rushed to the bathroom, and vomited for a straight fifteen minutes.
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 2:27 PM
Colonel Campbell stared at the cover of "Nasty Bitches and Horny Farm Animals", the newest issue featuring Beastiality Betty and Herman the Donkey.
"Oh, yeah," Campbell whispered as he...pleasured himself. "You bad, bad donkey. Betty's gonna spank you. She's gonna spank you good!"
What followed after that truly horrifying statement is too horrible to mention here. So I won't.
Revolver Ocelot's Place of Residence, 3:30 PM
Ocelot drew his pistol quickly and pointed it at the reflection of himself in the mirror.
"Your luck has run out, Snake," Ocelot muttered. "It's payback time."
Ocelot twirled the six-shooter and quickly re-holstered it. He grinned widely and went to his bed where he grabbed his trenchcoat, an extra pistol, and his "secret weapon".
As the maniac opened the door to his apartment and left, the young couple upstairs were at it again. It was going down tonight. Solid Snake would be no more.
A Really Tall Skyscraper, 8:58 PM
Snake suddenly found himself on the top story of a 52 story skyscraper, not knowing how he had come to be there. One moment he was barfing in his toilet bowl, and in the next he was standing in an abandoned building. He had his trusty SOCOM pistol by his side and his favorite combat boots.
The lights were off and everything was dim and silent. Suddenly, a noise to Snake's left. Snake whirled around and came face to face with Revolver Ocelot, who had his six-shooter drawn.
"Welcome to your death, Snake," Ocelot said, darkly.
"Uh, what's with the chainsaw?" Snake said, gesturing to the chainsaw attached to Ocelot's stump.
"Oh," said Ocelot with a grin. "I'm a big fan of the Evil Dead movies. Time to die!"
And with that, Ocelot tugged the chainsaw into life! It buzzed loudly as the insane Ocelot cut into an employee's desk. Snake sparked into action and began to fire rapidly, but to no avail. Ocelot blocked every shot with the blade of his chainsaw. The bullets ricocheted off and disappeared.
Snake leaped through an open door and found himself in someone's office. It was, of course, empty. He hid under the desk like a frightened schoolgirl. Snake was safe, however. Ocelot conveniently failed to notice that Snake had retreated to the office.
"Where are you, Snake?" he taunted.
Snake came out of hiding and rushed through the door, just in time to see Ocelot fire three shots. All of them missed by a mile. It was then that the chainsaw died.
"Oh, c'mon!" Ocelot pleaded as he tried desperately to restart the chainsaw. He pulled on the cord to no avail. "Sunavabitch!"
Finally, the chainsaw coughed and returned to life, spewing thick smoke. Ocelot rushed toward Snake, swiping with his chainsaw/arm. Snake dodged easily, kicked Ocelot in the nuts, and detached the chainsaw from Ocelot's arm.
Ocelot got to his feet, but by then Snake was halfway across the room. The maniac's eyes were filled with hatred.
"You bastard," he muttered as he pulled up his six-shooter. But before he could fire, Snake hurled the chainsaw at Ocelot.
Both men watched in wonder as the chainsaw spun through the air, coming straight for Ocelot. The chainsaw passed through Ocelot's left arm, severing it. Blood splattered, bone exploded. Ocelot screamed like a wounded cat. The arm with pistol in hand fell harmlessly to the floor.
"You've been foiled," Snake said, defiantly. "You're beat!"
"That's what you think," said Ocelot. "But you didn't anticipate THIS!"
Ocelot turned to one of the many large windows and hurled himself through it. Glass shattered and fell to the street below as Ocelot screamed, "I have a parachute!"
Snake rushed to the shattered window and called down, "You don't have hands!"
Realization swept over Ocelot as he tried to tug the parachute's cord, to no avail. "DAMN YOU, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!"
Snake watched in satisfaction as Ocelot collided with the street below. Bones shattered on impact, just as organs liquified and brain matter oozed. A job well done, wouldn't you say?
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 10:04 PM
"Congradulations, Snake," Campbell said as he stared at the green Codec screen. "You've beaten Ocelot for good!"
"Yes," Snake agreed. "And now that I have, I have a favor to ask of you."
"What? I'll do ANYTHING!"
"For the love of GOD," Snake exclaimed. "Stop beating off and pull up your GODDAMN PANTS!!!"
Campbell stared down at what he was doing, smiled sheepishly, and said, "Oh, yes. Of course!"
And that hereby ends this disgusting tale!
THE END