Title : The Other Me

Disclaimer : I don't own these characters. They and Saiunkoku Monogatari belong to Sai Yukino.

Rating : NC17

Genre : Angst/Friendship

Warnings : Yaoi

Pairings : Kijin/Reishin, Yushin/Reishin

Summary : Reishin asks Kijin for help to control his wanton tendencies.

Time-fit : Just before Yushin leaves to take up his post as assistant governor of Sa Province.

Notes :

(1) Written in response to the LiveJournal Saiun_Challenge prompt "Wanton".

(2) The sequel to this is The Red Devil.

[italics = thoughts; bold= flashback]

"I need to know who he is, Reishin."

Reishin blanched. He unconsciously wrung his hands, a mannerism he had lost a few years back.
"Why, Kijin? In order to forgive me?"

Still not looking directly at his lover, Kijin answered softly.
"I've already forgiven you."

"You . . . how could you . . ."
Reishin's voice trailed off.

At that, Kijin turned to face Reishin with a mocking half-smile.
"How could I what? Forgive you? I don't know, Dumpling. Maybe because you look like you are about to faint."

Reishin didn't know how to react. Kijin's response to being told that his lover had almost committed an act of infidelity was totally unexpected. He didn't expect to be forgiven before he even opened his mouth to ask for it! And he certainly didn't expect Kijin to tease him about his stricken face!

Kijin's voice took on a strange quality.
"Or maybe because, in your stricken state, you forgot to hold back. What you said earlier, Reishin, is the closest you have ever come to an open declaration of love."

"But, you must surely know. Why else would I ask . . . be asking you for help?"

"That's the other thing."

"What?"

"Your audacity in asking me to help you remain faithful to myself is charming, and actually quite reassuring."
Kijin paused.
"It's Yushin, isn't it?"

Reishin's knees buckled. He caught the high-backed chair, and sank into it slowly.
"How . . ."

"Because he's leaving in a few days to take up the post of the Sa Province assistant governor. Because I've always known that he loves you. Because even a principled man would find it hard not to confess his feelings on the occasion of a private farewell dinner. Because you care enough to not want to reveal his identity. "

"Kijin . . ."
The knuckles turned white on the hands gripping the high-backed chair.
"What's wrong with me, Kijin? I am fond of, and have the utmost respect for Yushin, but I've never thought of him in that way. And yet, last night, I wanted him. And when he was too humiliated to go on after coming prematurely, and left me stranded, I was furious."

Reishin pressed his face into his clenched fists.
"But now, I'm grateful. Oh god, Kijin, I'm so sorry. Why am I so wanton?"

Reaching across, Kijin squeezed the shaking shoulder gently.
"I'm partly at fault. I declined Yushin's invitation, and left you in a vulnerable position. I wanted to let him have time alone with you before he left. I expected that he would confess his feelings. I even half-expected that the confession might result in some hugging or kissing. Confessions are always volatile situations, especially when the receiving party has no inkling of the other person's feelings."

Lifting his face slowly from his hands, Reishin stared in disbelief at his partner.
"You . . . you set me up? To be hugged, and kissed? You bastard! How dare you dispense charity at my expense? How could you do this to me!"

Reishin shrugged off Kijin's hand from his shoulder. In his hurry to leave the room, he tripped on his hem and fell. On all fours, and entangled in his multi-layered robes, Reishin started to cry. He had no strength or will left to resist when Kijin embraced him.

Seated on the floor, holding Reishin between his knees, Kijin soothed his Dumpling with soft kisses on the wet cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Reishin. I'm so sorry."

Leaning into Kijin's kisses, Reishin asked hoarsely.
"Why did you do it, Kijin?"

"Yushin volunteered for the Sa Province assignment. Given that the previous Governors have all either been corrupted or disposed of, it doesn't look like Yushin will be relieved of that assignment anytime soon. No one wants that job. It's as good as exile, Reishin. I thought that Yushin needed a closure, before starting a new life without you. He's been a good friend to us, Dumpling."

Reishin shifted himself to look into Kijin's eyes.
"Yes, he has. He was the only colleague who accepted us; we, the only two aristocrats in our cohort. Everyone else resented us for giving them unfair competition, with time and resources for study at our disposal. Yushin was the only one willing to acknowledge that privileged circumstances alone do not produce talent."

"More than that, Reishin. We will never fit into any camp in the civil service. The commoners hate us for clinching two out of the three top positions in our cohort. The aristocrats hate us for going through the open examination system when we didn't need to. Befriending us is nothing but disadvantageous, and it takes a strong man to ignore such pressures. It also takes a strong man to relate to us as a couple, given how he feels about you."

They looked at each other in silence for a long moment. Finally, Reishin spoke.

"And now I've made a mess of everything. It's a far cry from the closure you had in mind, Kijin. What do I do now? I can't let Yushin go into exile with my angry words ringing in his ears."

"You need to see him again to sort things out, Reishin."

"NO!"

Kijin pulled Reishin into a tighter embrace and nuzzled him.
"Sometimes, when I look at you sleeping beside me, I wonder about fate, life, whatever. What if you didn't choose me? What if I ended up being the one secretly in love with you, and watching in envy Yushin's blissful life with you? Yushin is the other me, Reishin. Our places could easily have been reversed."

"The other me? I've never thought about things that way, Kijin. It's a little frightening."
Reishin fell silent.

"Alright, Kijin, I'll sort things out with Yushin tomorrow, on two conditions. First condition: promise that you will not set me up with any other 'the other me', without sounding me out first."

"I promise. Does this mean I'm forgiven for this time?"

Reishin half-smiled.
"Yes, but only because you forgave me for last night, which brings me to the second condition. I want you to promise to help me prevent any more dangerous situations."

"And how do I do that? I can't follow you every minute of the day. Your admirers are many, and you and I work in different departments."

"You need to be more jealous."

"But I already AM jealous!"

"You don't act it."

"Huh? You want me to beat up a lame man?"

Reishin gave his lover a side-long glare.
"Don't you dare hurt Yushin!"
He pursed his lips primly.
"As for the rest, you can beat up as many as you want."

"Are you serious, Reishin?"

Turning imploring hazel eyes to Kijin, Reishin reasoned.
"Make just one example, Kijin, and the grapevine will take care of it. No one would dare to so much as look at me. Your insane jealousy, and your reputation as one of the best swordsmen in Saiunkoku, should keep me safe from temptation."

"What? I can't beat a man up for just devouring you with his eyes and paying you extravagant compliments!"

"Opportunities can be created. I'll select someone nasty."

Kijin stared.
"You are evil, Reishin."

"Fine. Forget it. Keep your morals. Abandon me to fight my battles alone."

"Reishin . . ."

"Oh for goodness sake, Kijin! Don't you know me well enough by now? Would I even ask for help if I thought I could handle things on my own? Can't you see I am frightened to lose what we have?"

"You are not going to lose anything! This issue is not new. You have been totally honest about it each time. And each time you have won the battle. And even if you don't win, I will still forgive you."

Letting out a strangled scream, Reishin pushed himself away from Kijin.
"I don't WANT your forgiveness!"

Stunned into silence, Kijin stared at his distraught lover.

Forcing himself to calm down, Reishin tried a new approach.
"No amount of forgiveness on your part is going to change the fact if I had sex with another man. That fact will always be there. It will hurt me, even if it doesn't hurt you. I don't understand, Kijin, why doesn't it matter to you?"

Reishin paused, wondering if he should continue. Kijin's continued silence unnerved him. Giving himself a mental shake, Reishin plunged in.
"I was only half-joking when I said you needed to act more jealous. How is it that you can stand by while your lover is being outrageously courted by your colleagues? Why doesn't it matter to you?"

Kijin's silence exploded in a rush of words.
"The hell it doesn't matter to me! It kills me each time I see you blush and arch those brows. I want to pulverize those men for being able to please you with their pretty compliments and clever words. But what am I supposed to do? How can I put a stop to something which you so obviously enjoy, something which I am unable to provide? My one and only attempt at a flirtatious compliment resulted in hysterics on your part, and cringing humiliation on mine. You ask how is it that I can stand by and watch you preening and tittering? Don't you know, Reishin?"

Lifting himself off the floor, Kijin reached for the wooden mask that was on the table.
"This is the answer, Reishin, this damned mask that I wear everyday!"

Kijin raised his arm, and Reishin instinctively braced himself for the impact. It never came. The mask slipped out from Kijin's fingers and fell to the floor.

Reishin watched, with a strange detachment, the wooden mask wobbling on the tiles, and behind that, the man who couldn't throw it collapsing into a crumpled heap on the floor.

The Other Me.
Why do these words come back now?
Kijin called Yushin that.
Yushin, who watched with longing.
From the outside, things always look so rosy.
Yushin, who envies Kijin.
If he could see Kijin now, consumed with jealousy, and trembling with hurt, would he still be envious?
If Yushin knew what my weakness has done to Kijin, would he want to change places with his Other Me?

A scraping sound brought Reishin back from his wandering thoughts. Kijin was pulling the mask towards himself by its strings. Galvanized into action, Reishin scooted forward and clamped his right hand on the mask. He reached out and wrapped his left hand around Kijin's hand.

"No, Kijin, please, don't hide, not yet. I'm sorry for being so shallow as to thrive on empty compliments. I'm sorry for making you feel inadequate over something so unimportant. I'm sorry for misunderstanding everything and resenting you for not being jealous. And I'm sorry for what I'm about to say next."

Reishin took a deep breath, and continued.
"You frighten me, Kijin. What else are you hiding? You have forgiven me countless times, but at what cost to yourself? I repeat what I said earlier – I don't want your forgiveness. Not when it must tear you up inside to give it."

Giving Kijin's hand a squeeze, Reishin pleaded.
"Kijin, please, talk to me."

"No, it doesn't."
Kijin kept his face averted.
"It doesn't tear me up to forgive you, because I know you genuinely regret getting carried away. But it hurts, nonetheless, every temptation, every touch, every kiss that you confess to. The irony of it is, I don't want it any other way, I WANT you to come clean! As for the harmless flirting, there's no need for you to feel ashamed. The jealousy is my problem, not yours. A part of me enjoys watching you bask in the admiration. At the same time, it drives me crazy that I'm not the one responsible for your pleasure. I don't think my violent reaction is exactly normal."

Kijin turned to face Reishin, his eyes dark.
"Is that open enough for you, Dumpling? I am one big, conflicted mess when it comes to this issue. You said you don't want my forgiveness. What do you suggest we do then?"

"Do you remember what you said after the first time we had sex? About protecting me?"

"How can I forget? It caused you to laugh yourself into a fit of hiccups!"

"It doesn't sound so ridiculous now."

"You want me to protect you? Against what?"

"Against myself! Act jealous. Scare everyone away. Can't you do that for me, Kijin?"

Kijin studied Reishin's face for a long time.
"This doesn't sound like you, Reishin. You always fight your own battles. As a matter of fact, you've fought MY battles. Wouldn't my 'protection' stifle you?"

Reishin let out a long exasperated sigh.
"Kijin, haven't you been listening? I don't want to fight this fight anymore. In any case, I totally lost the battle last night! So, yes, I want your protection. Yes, my vanity will miss being the centre of male attention. Yes, being protected will be somewhat stifling. But it's a trade-off. I get to remain faithful to you, and I don't have to suffer the heartache of hurting you. I think it's a fair exchange. Now, is there anything else you need me to spell out? Will you protect me or not?""

Kijin burst out laughing.
"Of course I will, Dumpling. I'll beat up as many admirers as you want. I'll fly into a rage every time a man so much as glance at you. I'll make sure that every far-flung province of Saiunkoku will hear of my insane jealousy!"

Reishin, laughing, pulled Kijin in for a chaste kiss.
"Thank you."

"What about Yushin, Reishin? Do you want me to take care of that too?"

"No. I owe him a proper resolution."
Reishin looked at Kijin under heavily-hooded lids, brows arching provocatively.
"And you did say you'll forgive me unconditionally, didn't you? Wild animal sex, and what-nots?"

Kijin's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Reishin . . ."

"Afterall, he's your good friend. And you wouldn't want your Other Me to go into exile without a proper . . . Kijin, what are you doing?"

"Protecting you."
Kijin growled, his hands busy.

Reishin giggled as he was lowered to a prone position.
"You sure? Why does it feel more like ravaging me?"

"Same thing. I'll keep at it until your meeting with Yushin tomorrow. You'll be too exhausted and sore to want anything from my Other Me."

Reishin's giggles died upon his lips. A sense of unease fluttered in his belly. He ignored it, focusing on the delicious sensation of Kijin's lips on his skin.

The fluttering persisted. It grew with each of Kijin's frantic thrusts. Reishin placed his hands on either side of Kijin's hips, stopping him.
"Kijin, you don't have to do this."

Kijin froze in mid-thrust, his face buried in Reishin's neck. Reishin felt Kijin's hot tears flow along his neck and pooling in the depression at the base of his throat.

"Kijin, I'm . . ."

"No, Reishin, I'm the one that should be sorry. In all this time, you have never gone beyond a kiss. This time, I set you up to lose. A private dinner, an emotionally-charged confession, a man you care deeply about. It's all my fault, and now I can't exorcise Yushin. I see him when I touch you, I hear him when you moan. I am tormented by the thought that if not for an act of providence, he would also be right here with me, thrusting into you. Reishin, I really messed up. I was too naive to see what you knew all along – that no amount of forgiveness after the fact will remove the hurt. I'm sorry for being so stupid."

Holding his hurting lover close, Reishin fought back tears. The words "The Other Me" came back to mock him. Kijin's Other Me had become stuck to him in the worse way possible.

. . . if not for an act of providence . . .
Reishin clutched at that phrase. Maybe, just maybe, things can be worked out. Reishin needed to take Providence out of the equation altogether.
"Kijin, listen. This is our only chance to salvage what we have."

After the protests and arguments subsided, Kijin mumbled against Reishin's neck.
"In the end, you still have to fight, for both of us."

"Just this once. Your jealous act will protect us in the future, Kijin."

[[Scene Break]]

Reishin noted that Yushin was relying heavily on his walking-stick. His limp was always more pronounced when he was tired, or stressed. Stealing a glance at his friend's face, Reishin felt a lump in his throat. The quietly handsome features were tight with anxiety.

They entered the dining-room, and Yushin dismissed the servants. Long after the footsteps of the servants disappeared down the corridor, the silence in the dining-room continued. Reishin waited.

"Reishin, forgive me."

[Flashback]

"Reishin, forgive me."

Easing himself into the chair slowly to minimize the spasms down his back, Reishin hissed at his fellow student-scholar, and supposed good friend.
"Does that come with any explanation for your betrayal yesterday?"

"No."

"NO?"
Reishin moved too suddenly and gasped from the pain.

Yushin's clear eyes clouded with worry.
"How bad is it, Reishin?"

Glowering at Yushin, Reishin ground out through clenched teeth.
"How bad do you think it is? Do you know how much Kijin weighs, with all those bulging muscles? Why couldn't you just let me piggyback you? Oh! I hate these infantile Physical Exercise sessions! We are in training to become civil servants, not athletes!"

"You needn't have carried Kijin. Some of the other scholars weigh not much more than me."

"I don't fancy having people I don't like wrapping themselves all over me! You refused to save my back, and now you ask for forgiveness, without any explanation whatsoever! I didn't think you were capable of such arrogance, Yushin!"

"I'm not, not normally. That's why you should forgive me. It must surely mean something for me to be acting so extraordinarily."
Yushin's pale green eyes twinkled in his otherwise contrite face.

Reishin felt a smile tugging at his lips.
"Fine. Ask again."

"Reishin, forgive me."

Looking at Yushin through half-closed lids, Reishin asked,
"For what, exactly? For confessing? For coming on to me? Or for leaving me with blueballs?"

Yushin's already pale complexion went a shade paler.
"For the first two."

"I see. I forgive you for the first one. The second one is pending."

"Pending? Oh, alright."
Yushin paused.
"How is Kijin? I'm assuming you told him."

"Kijin is a mess, and that's why I'm here. I need a favour, Yushin."

The walking-stick clattered to the floor.
"Kijin agreed to this idea? What if you fail? Wouldn't that be compounding the matter? I'm not doing it, Reishin, not even to obtain your forgiveness."

"The three of us are equally culpable. You owe it to the two of us."
Reishin's voice softened.
"Please, Yushin, you've always been a good friend, and we need your help now."

"Just in case I misunderstood, I'll repeat your plan. I am to get it up, get you up, and we are to hope that you will have enough resolve to stop me before I . . ."
Yushin blushed, cursing himself for not being able to complete the sentence.

"Reishin, how am I supposed to accomplish all those ups under these strained circumstances?"

Reishin gently traced his cool fingers along Yushin's flushed cheek.
"I can help with the first step. Yushin, do you want that piggyback ride now?"

Yushin started, and flushed a deeper red.

"If your servants are discreet, we can take a stroll in the gardens. Come on, Yushin, get on."

Reishin smiled to himself as Yushin climbed onto his back stiffly.
"Oi, Yushin."

"What?"

"Everything's out in the open between us now. Besides, we ARE trying to get you up, aren't we? So will you relax, and just lean in?"
So saying, Reishin tightened his grip on his passenger's thighs and pulled him forward firmly.

Feeling Yushin shudder against him, Reishin said gently,
"It's not just about using you for my big plan, Yushin. The other time was . . . frantic. I want this time to be special for both of us. I love flowers, and you love the evening sky. So what better way to start this evening than to take a piggyback stroll in the garden?"

Yushin managed a wobbly laugh.
"I'm not sure I can see anything in this state!"

Giggling, Reishin retorted.
"Whatever, Yushin, so long as it's good for you!"

Finally relaxing, Yushin rested his cheek on the back of Reishin's neck.
"You know, Reishin, I always knew."

"Knew what?"

"That if I look beyond your small prickliness, you're warm inside."

"Is that your scholarly way of saying that you'll overlook my small prick because I'm hot?"

Reishin's hysterical giggles almost all but drowned out Yushin's quiet laughter.

[[Scene Break]]

Kijin waited. Just within the heavy main gates of the Ko Manor. He originally stood outside the gates, watching the road for Reishin's carriage. His headservant had discreetly hinted that it was unbecoming for the Master of the manor to be loitering on a public street. And so Kijin stood and stared through his mask at the gates, willing them to open and produce his Dumpling.

Kijin threw open the doors and rushed out to meet the carriage. He caught the trembling Reishin as the latter tumbled out. His hand accidentally brushed against Reishin's crotch, causing Reishin to whimper in pain. Kijin's eyes widened behind his mask. He scooped Reishin up, whispering into his ear.

"Well done, Dumpling. I'll relieve you. The moment we reach the bedroom."

"No, Kijin. Put me down. We'll just sit here on the steps until this passes."

Kijin set his precious burden down on the steps gingerly, taking care not to make contact with Reishin's engorged genitalia.. He sat down next to Reishin, and took Reishin's hand in his.

"Kijin, I couldn't just leave Yushin. I relieved him before I left. Are you alright with that?"

Giving Reishin's hand a squeeze, Kijin answered softly.
"I'm alright with that. Poor Yushin. My poor Other Me."

"The Sa Province is almost another country. I'll miss him."

"Me too."

They sat, hand in hand, as they waited in respectful silence for Kijin's Other Me to be exorcised, and for the hard-on he was responsible for to subside.

[THE END]

FOR THOSE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE SAIUNKOKU MONOGATARI FANDOM

(1) Sairin, together with her twin brother Saicho, made their fortune from scratch.

(2) Yushin and Sairin's "working honeymoon" to the capital city is canon. Yushin, as Assistant Governor of Sa Province, was in Kyo to push for funding for a Sa Province project. Sairin, as head of the Merchants' Guild, was there to discuss the rights to the manufacture of a special luminous paint.

(3) The long-time friendship between Yushin, Reishin and Kijin is canon.