It's been nearly six years since I became Receiver. I was supposed to be a Twelve this year, but I've already be 'selected'. The Giver was, to say, shocked that they choose a Six when the last Not-To-Be-Named Receiver was Lost. I was too. The memories the last Receiver had were a year's worth, mixed with good and bad.

Society fell into chaos. The Chief Elder gave an announcement the day after the last Receiver was Lost, and I still remember the day my life changed.

"Everyone, these memories that the Receiver-in-training left us have given us nothing but trouble. We have received certain reason that he left society on purpose, leaving the previous Receiver to believe that he drowned." The Chief Elder declared, followed by quiet murmuring. "We have declared him, like the one before, as Not-To-Be-Named, the highest dishonor we can bestow upon the traitor." A Nine girl screamed in shock, but her mother clutched the girls arm tightly, so the girl buried her face into her mother. "Now, what we need for society to function properly is a new Receiver once again. We know it's a surprise for someone who is in such a young age, but we must do what is best for society. Us Elders have decided that a young, yet intelligent and brave, Six has been chosen. Katherine, I am pleased to say you are our next Receiver. Do not disappoint us."

The next six years were excruciatingly painful. Anger boiled inside me, fear twisted my stomach into sickening knots, loneliness dug up my mind leaving voids of depression and darkness all from the memories. Happiness I've never felt before, the sunlight, hills, snow, the love from the holidays, the warm feelings, the feelings of being different, just made me confused. The colors I see everywhere just make me feel sympathetic to those who have no idea what it is. I often talked to the Giver, and he listened closely. He told me it's natural.

But he's only trying to understand. I've Received a year's worth of memories immediately, never feeling real pain, but when it hit me like a bag of bricks, I turned to a Sharing of Feelings. I was only allowed to talk to the Giver, but it seemed like he was just ultimately depressed. I tried to talk, yet no matter what I did, I'd only have hollow eyes, voice thin and worn. I was alone and helpless, I wanted to escape, but the Chief Elder never let me out of sight. My parents, older brother, or someone else in authority guided me everywhere.

Year after year, the Giver slowly passed memory after memory, only one or two every other day. The worst part is the memory. He gave me the painful ones almost every time: I watched a mother kill her child, boyfriends abandoning their pregnant girlfriends, witnessing parents fight and decide divorce while their children listen out of sight.
Every painful memories lightens his hollowed eyes bit by bit, but not ever fully.

I stare into space as he puts his hands on my back once again.
"Are you ready Katherine?"he asks me. I'm allowed to lie; so I lie. "Of course."

I close my eyes and plunge into the memory.

I open them up in a large dome area, much like the Auditorium, with a large stage and people in chair and odd contraptions in their hands, some with strings, some without, some made of wood, other made of metal, all I've never seen before. "Giver?" I turn, knowing that he won't be there, yet I still do it, only to see an arch and the inside covered by a curtain. I'm above the crowd, in the section out if the wall. Suddenly, the light begin to dim, and a sound plays, then a different pitch, then quickly a harmony of notes.

Music, I thought. "It's music!"

I suddenly wake up, and find myself face-to-face with the Giver. He smiles at me, a sad smile, but it has traces of happiness.

"I wish I gave some to him before left." the Giver murmurs.

"What was his name?" I ask. "The previous Receiver."

"It's my fault he became a Not-To-Be-Named. We're not allowed to use the name Jonas ever again, Katherine, like the Receiver before him. I loved those two, then we trained and I lost them."

"Is this why? You never talk to me because you can't replace them?" I demand.

"No. When I'm attached, I end up hurting them and losing them."
I sit in silence. "What was he like?"

"Selfless. Sympathetic. Brave. Intelligent. Caring. Curious." Giver listed off. "I'm sorry Katherine, for giving you those memories of pain first and only. Normally, after too many happy memories, you begin to feel safe. When you get pain, you can't seem to remember the happiness."

"So you thought it was better if received pain and happiness seems rare and better?" I assume. He looks away.

"Forgive me."

"Why now?"

"It's been almost seven years since I let Jonas go. I wanted to give him music, but I never did. I won't have regrets now, if I lose you."

I stare blankly at the Giver. "What was the Receiver before him?"

"Rosemary. My daughter, Rosemary. She is also a Not-To-Be-Named, she applied for Release after I gave her the memory of loss." The Giver explains.

I Received the memory of loss when I was supposed to be Seven. "She wasn't brave?"

"It was her first pain memory. You must understand that. Jonas' memories and privileges caused him to flee."

I stand up. "You failed twice. Tell me why I'm different."

The Giver doesn't look at me.

"You are entitled to lie." I say. "Just answer my question."

"I am. I just choose not to. Did you lie to me at all?" The Giver inquires.

I swallow hard. "Yes."

The Giver nods. "I'm not ignorant to your personality. I know I've given you a very hard time."

"I was a Six. I was only a little girl. The first memory you gave me? Being burned on the arm a group of girls because of something that the girl in the memory did," I continue.

"Katherine…"

"No. What was Jonas' first memory?"

"A sled on a hill. Rosemary's was a merry-go-round."

"I said you could lie."

"I don't need to. Katherine, do you know what day it is?"

"The day before the Ceremony of Twelve- why is this important?" I demand.

"I met Jonas seven years ago. He showed me how to let society learn about love. Leave the memories to the people."

"He left them to me! I don't care, Giver! Why on Earth would I care about the boy who left me this!?" I scream, kicking the Giver's desk aside.

"Because he didn't know. I didn't know. I told him to. I told Jonas to leave the memories to society, but I didn't realize how desperate that the Elders would go."

"So what, now I'm supposed to hate them?"

"I think we're finished for today."

"Great idea." I reply. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I exit the room, take a deep breath, and let the tears fall.

I promised myself in the beginning I would never let anyone see me cry.