The Other Half Of My Heart
(rough draft) [censored version]
A Kingdom Hearts fanfic by Raberba girl
For Ventus/Vanitas Day, 21 December 2012
Summary: If they can stop trying to kill each other for five minutes, maybe they can finally accept the fact that they belong together. XiVenVan for Ventus/Vanitas Day; no slash.
A/N: Ended up being more like XiVenVan than VenVan, but whatever. (That trio's really starting to grow on me...) And it's SUPPOSED to be platonic except for a portion of Van's complicated feelings for Xi, but the VenVan might make some people squirm a little, I dunno. :/ It was hard to balance characterization with thematic material for this one, and I'm pretty sure some ICness got sacrificed. But anyway, I meant it to be platonic, since I don't like yaoi at all.
Ftr, this is in the CatC universe. ^^;;;; There's some backstory that isn't explained, so just be aware that you're probably going to misunderstand the setting, but it doesn't matter for this fic. I'll try to start posting the CatC sequel/prequel series soon.
Tiny tiny dialogue exchange censored out because Van likes to troll me. -.-
o.o.o
All hanging out together on the clock tower as usual, having fun, doing just fine, and of course Vanitas had to ruin it again.
"Ven, Vani has something to tell you." Xion cocked her head a little, eyes shifting to her two best friends. "In private."
"Huh?" Roxas said, giving Vanitas a look of distaste. Vanitas, standing at Xion's side, made a face at him.
Axel chuckled a little. "You still trying to turn them into BFFs, Xi?"
"What's BFFs?"
"Best Friends For- Ah, I'll explain it later," he said wearily.
"I don't want to talk to that," Ven said, biting into his ice cream and scowling at the sunset.
There was a ringing sound and a flash of light as Void Gear was summoned, then a thunk as Xion hurled her whole body back to pin Vanitas to the wall before he could go for his twin's throat. "Ventus PLAY NICE," she thundered. "Axel and Roxas, go away."
Roxas was already on his feet and summoning his own Keyblade, expression determined, but then he yelped as Axel snagged him by the hood and started dragging him off. "Hey! Axel! Let go!"
"Good luck, Xi," Axel said, waving a hand in sympathy.
She gave him a tired little smile as he passed. "Thanks..."
"Let me go," Vanitas snarled.
"Not yet, Vani," she said. "I don't want to let you do something you'll regret."
He made a frustrated sound [. . .] and she elbowed him in the ribs, not gently at all.
"Ow, Xi!"
[. . .]
"It wasn't a mean one!"
"I told you, [. . .]. At all."
"Argh..."
Ven sat in stony silence.
Xion sighed and finally stepped away from the wall. "Come on, Vani."
"No..." But he didn't resist when she took his hands and led him over to the sulking boy sitting on the tower ledge.
"Ven..."
"I HATE him, Xion!" Ventus snarled, rounding on her without actually making eye contact. "I don't want to talk to him and I don't want to make friends with him and I don't want anything to DO with him and I wish he'd die."
"Don't make me kick you, Ventus," she stormed. "Vani is making an EFFORT, and you have to, too, or you just- it's- you're a bad person if you don't."
He glared.
And she couldn't help smiling. "You look just like him when you do that..."
"I don't have anything to do with him," Ven snarled.
"Don't say that! He's half of your heart, Ventus! You two mean everything to each other! Just listen to him for FIVE MINUTES, please Ven."
After a long silence, Ven finally looked up, started to say something, then frowned. "What's your problem?"
"I'm trying not to smirk and insult your ugly face," Vanitas managed, then suddenly burst into a howl of laughter. "Aw, Xi, I can't stand it, he's so hilarious, this loser cracks me up and I can't-"
"Vani." She took hold of him, her face serious. "Don't be nervous, it'll be okay. I'll be right over there if you need me."
"I don't need you! You're not my mom!" he yelled, blushing a little.
"Do your best, okay, Vani? Just say what's in your heart, and don't let anything else get in the way."
"I DON'T HAVE A HEART."
She kissed his cheek. "You can't cry without a heart, Kazé." Then she left.
"Kazé?" Ven said in disbelief.
Panicked fury surged up in Vanitas and Void Gear was in his hand before he realized what he was doing, so he threw it off the clock tower before he could reach his twin. Carried by momentum, he fell to his knees beside Ven and snarled in his face, "Don't say anything don't don't don't don't, it's mine."
Emotions fought across Ven's face as he struggled to respect Xion's wishes. "My name is Wind, why did you name yourself after-?" 'Can't be. Impossible.'
"I didn't! She named me! It's her fault I'm stuck with your name and I hate it!" Then he remembered why he was here. "No. I don't hate it. I love her name for me. Because I'm you." Having said what he'd come to say (almost), he spun away, crossing his legs and arms and waiting tensely.
"...You are not me," Ven said in a low, tight voice. "You're everything that made me a horrible person, everything I hated, and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with you anymore. I just wish you'd go away and leave me alone so I can live without having you constantly trying to drag me back and make me horrible again."
Vanitas was either going to split Ven's head open or run away, so he got to his feet and started marching off the clock tower. Xion immediately came around the corner and set her hands against his shoulders, forcing him backwards and then practically crushing him down to sit with Ven again. "Ventus," she growled, "you are not listening, and Vani, you still haven't told him."
"I told him!"
"No, you didn't! Tell him what you told me! Tell him why you feel the way you do every time he says something cruel to you! Tell him why you hate it so much every time he rejects you!"
"I don't care if I'm 'rejected' by a walking piece of crap like-!"
"You care, Van! You wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't!"
"Stop making things up like you think you know me!"
"Stop hurting me just because you can't get Ven to do what you want!"
Vanitas paused. "I'm not hurting you," he growled.
"Is that what you think?" she growled back. "Every time you have a fight and you come and lash out at me because you can't lash out at him, it hurts, Vani. I know you don't mean to, but it still hurts."
"...I can't sleep anymore, and I can't kill myself. I've tried. It doesn't work."
"Did I ask you to kill yourself?" she said in exasperation. "Vani, I asked you be brave and tell Ven how much you love him, not keeping running away."
"I don't love him!" Vanitas squeaked in horror. "And I'm not running away!"
"Xi," Ven said dryly, "I think there's this magical nice Vanitas you've built up in your head who isn't the real Vanitas at all."
"How would you know?" she shot back. "Have you ever talked to him other than to tell him how much you hate him? Have you ever done anything nice for him?"
"Has he ever done anything nice for me?"
Xion wordlessly set a Wayfinder on the ledge by Ven's hand.
"Hey! That's yours!" Vanitas shouted.
"No," she said quietly. "It's always been for Ven. I was just taking care of it for both of you until you could stop being so stubborn long enough to be honest with each other."
Ven was glaring at the Wayfinder. "What is that?"
"Vani gave it to you," Xion said shortly. "At least, he tried to. Please at least pretend you remember."
"Wait...you mean...?"
"You think you're so much better than me," Vanitas snarled. "You think you're so perfect now that you don't have me anymore. But all you are on your own is an idiot and a failure, Ventus-"
"Vani-" Xion tried to say.
"I'm the better half, without me you'll always be a loser-"
"Vani, this is NOT HELPING," Xion said firmly. "Ven! Take the Wayfinder!"
Ven held it dangling from two fingers, nose wrinkled in disgust.
"Ugh! Stop acting like KIDS!"
"Who wants to be a grown-up?" Vanitas yelled.
"At least Axel and Saïx and the others can admit when they're wrong!"
"I'm not wrong!"
"I wasn't even talking to you, anyway! And stop changing the subject!"
"I'm not changing the subject!"
"You're chasing rabbit trails because you're too much of a coward to tell Ven what you CAME HERE TO TELL HIM!"
"DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!"
"THEN STOP RUNNING AWAY!"
"I'M NOT RUNNING!" Vanitas whirled to the other boy and shouted, "VEN, JOIN WITH ME!"
There was a pause.
Ven stopped licking his ice cream and said, "Oh, are you talking to me again?"
"YES I'M TALKING TO YOU."
"Yes, he's talking to you," Xion said in exasperation. "We're not yelling at each other anymore, now he's yelling at you."
Vanitas took a deep breath. "Ventus," he said more calmly. "I want to join with you."
"I told you, I am NOT gonna make the χ-blade, never ever ever."
"I'm not talking about the freaking χ-blade, you idiot! Xion, forget it, he's just too stupid!"
"Vani, you have the patience of a mosquito," Xion groaned. "Come on. If you weren't talking about the χ-blade, what were you talking about?"
There was another pause.
"I don't actually care, you know," Ven remarked.
"Ven, shut up. Vani, talk."
"..." Vanitas finally released a long sigh. "V...Ventus."
Ven eyed him warily, not expecting the uncharacteristically soft tone.
"I...came here to tell you something." He drew in another deep breath. "I wanted...I've been wanting...to tell you...that you- that I-" He winced. "That I'm jealous of you."
Ven twirled the ice cream stick and didn't say anything.
"I want to join with you because...I want to be you again."
Ven opened his mouth, but Xion clapped a sharp warning hand on his shoulder before he could speak.
Vanitas grimaced, but managed to continue. "Not the way it was last time, because back then - it was wrong. It felt wrong. Even though I had you back, it was like you were still gone. The old man lied, the χ-blade isn't the answer. We have to do it right this time. You're...everything I liked about myself, everything that made me worth anything. I'm..." The more Vanitas spoke, the more difficult it seemed to be for him to get the words out. "I'm worthless without you, Ventus."
"..."
"And...I...miss you. That's what Xion's been trying to make me tell you. That's what...I wanted to tell you." Now that it was finally out, it seemed to get easier to speak again. Vanitas laid a hand over his own heart, fingers curling angrily into the fabric of his shirt. "I feel empty inside, just like the old man said. I know it's because I lost you. This huge part of me is missing, and it's you. I...I need you back, Ventus."
"..."
"...That's what I wanted to say." Then he waited, his other fist clenched, waiting to summon Void Gear. If Ventus said something dumb like he thought he was gonna say, he was going to kill him.
"I'm proud of you, Vani," Xion said softly.
Ven finally hissed through his teeth in frustration. "Yeah, well, hate to tell you, Van, but I don't miss you at all."
Vanitas's jaw tightened.
"I mean, what happens if I just let you take me again? Back to being miserable, back to hating myself, back to wishing I could just kill something, so that something else could hurt more than I was hurting, for a change..."
"Ven," Xion said softly. "That's how Vani feels like all the time. The part of your heart that was in so much pain...it didn't go away. He's sitting right here next to you. You just can't feel it anymore - but he's still here."
They were silent for a while.
"You're not mine anymore," Ven finally said, sounding resentful. "I don't have to worry about you anymore."
"Who said I wanted you to worry about me?" Vanitas said hotly. "I just want to feel, Ventus! I want to feel something besides this. I want to feel what you feel, when you're so happy and just spilling light like it's barely worth anything, like you have so much you don't even notice it's missing. All those times when people loved you and were nice to you, when Aqua would hug you or Terra would say he's proud of you - I could feel it, but it was never mine, and I envied you so freaking much. Why can't I have it, Ventus?! If you're me and I'm you, why are you allowed to be happy and I never, ever can be!"
The pause was very long this time. Xion sat down and made herself comfortable; Vanitas slouched against the tower, gazing off into the distance in a hopeless sort of way.
"Why should you be happy," Ven finally said in a low voice, "when you've made so many other people so miserable?"
After a moment, Vanitas started to march off again. Xion got up to wearily drag him back. "It's a reasonable question, Vani," she said, softening her voice in hopes that he could tell she wasn't judging him.
"I don't," he growled as he struggled with her, "want to..." Then he noticed Ven finally, finally looking at him, the other boy's hurt, resentful glare, and he went still. "Fine, Ventus," he finally whispered. "You're right. You should hate me. And I, I hate you, and I'm going to spend every waking moment trying to erase your sorry existence..." He trailed off. Swallowed, then said, "I know you don't friggin' care. But...I'm...sorry. Ventus." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Ven burst out, now with a note of helpless bewilderment tingeing his anger.
"Geez, for everything, okay?! I'm sorry for everything!"
"Yeah! Sure!"
"I MEAN IT! I'm sorry for trying to kill you and sorry for trying to kill your stupid friends and sorry for the χ-blade and sorry- for- gah, I don't know!" Vanitas paused. "All the people my Unversed hurt. I'm...I'm sorry for them, too."
Ven eyed him warily.
"Stop looking at me like that!"
"Stop acting so-!"
"So what, Ven?" Xion groaned. "What do you want from him? And don't say you want him to stop existing, because then I'll break a Keyblade over your head."
Ven glared sullenly back at the sunset. "You always have to make things so complicated," he finally grumbled.
"I'm sorry for existing," Vanitas sulked, but Ven eyed him again, as if finally able to hear the pain behind the words.
"...You really are sorry for all that? You're not just saying it to get me to do what you want?"
Vanitas blew out a frustrated breath. "I can kill you, but I can't make you believe me."
Ven snorted. "As if you could kill me..."
"I can!"
"Yeah, and you've done an awesome job so far proving it."
Vanitas glared. "I hate you both."
"It's okay to be weak sometimes," Xion assured him.
"Shut up!"
"Don't tell her to shut up!"
"Don't tell me what to do!"
"Oh, so YOU'RE the only one who can tell people what to do!"
"I can't stand you!"
"Then go away!"
"Fine! I'm going back to my pillar and I'm locking you out so you'll never wake up-"
"You can't lock me out of my own heart!"
"It's not as if you've even BEEN there the last freaking decade!"
"Why would I want to go back if it means hanging out with YOU!"
"I don't even want you there, anyway!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"FINE!"
"I give up," Xion said. She threw her hands in the air and walked away.
After a long silence, Ven went back to glaring at the sunset, and Vanitas started pacing. Back and forth and back and forth, until Ven was about to whirl around and scream at him to knock it off, but before he could, Vanitas suddenly paused and sobbed out, "I don't want her to leave."
"Why do you like her so much, anyway?" Ven said in exasperation.
"...She's...the only one who..."
"..."
"..."
Ven finally sighed. "Come here."
"Why?" Vanitas said suspiciously.
"Just come here, will you? Or do you not want me to keep putting up with you?"
"Don't say it like that," Vanitas hissed, but edged toward him anyway.
"I'm not gonna promise anything," Ven warned, putting out a hand as if to guard himself, "I just-"
Vanitas knelt on the ledge beside him and took his hand.
The protest died on Ven's lips, and they were still for a long time.
When Xion came back, curious and a little apprehensive, she was surprised to see the boys poised close together, hands clasped, eyes nearly closed, both crying silently. "What's wrong?!" she exclaimed.
It took a long time. Finally they started to blink, and Vanitas sat back on his heels, wincing at the shift in posture; Ven wiped his eyes, looking awed. "I didn't know we could do that..."
"What was that?" Vanitas murmured.
They gazed at each other for a while.
"Hey, fill me in?" Xion ventured.
"It was like," Ven said slowly, "I could feel what we were- what he was feeling. I even saw bits and pieces of his memories."
"Definitely did not need an extra dose of 'Ven Has An Awesome Life And Yours Sucks,'" Vanitas grumbled.
"Van," Ventus said. Xion's eyes widened at the expression on his face, a compassionate one she had never seen him use for his twin before. "I know what you mean now."
Vanitas glared.
"It...it didn't feel like seeing someone else's thoughts...it felt like my own...all that pain was back again, but...now I see...I'm free from it, but you've never been, have you..."
"Don't feel sorry for me!"
Ven smiled. "I do, a little."
That helpless glare again.
"Van?"
"What do you freaking want?"
"I thought of something, when we were...when we were us again. I wanted to tell you."
"I already know what you're gonna say and I don't want to hear it," Vanitas growled, turning away.
Ven shrugged, and Xion said quickly, "Well, I want to hear it."
Vanitas put his hands over his ears. Ven took hold of his wrist and pulled it back as he spoke; Vanitas didn't resist. "What I saw in you wasn't pure darkness, you know. It's supposed to be, but we all know how accurate those old guys are."
Xion smiled a little despite the painful memories, laying a hand over her own heart without realizing.
"That feeling in there," Ven continued, "wanting to be good...Xion's right, Van. You have a heart."
"I don't."
"Stop being a kid," Ven said calmly. "If you really were pure darkness, you couldn't love. You have to have a heart for that."
"And who says I-"
"Don't sit here and tell me you don't love Xion and that you don't love me, because we both know it isn't true."
"..."
"And you know, Van - that's your own heart. One that belongs just to you, that you can fill with your own light."
"Stop sounding like Xion," Vanitas whispered.
"See," she said triumphantly, "I'm not the only one telling you now. It's true."
Ven smiled again. "You don't need me, Van. Not to be you anymore, anyway."
Vanitas closed his eyes tightly. Then snapped them open again in astonishment when Ven's arms came around him.
"We can stay brothers."
"Ooooohhhh, Ven," Xion cried in excitement, "finally! Finally finally finally!" Ven laughed as she flung her arms around both of them.
"Get off me!" Vanitas shouted, "Get off!" But he was crying, and they both noted that he didn't try to fight them off very much at all.
o.o.o
Author's Notes: Urgh, this is the kind of fic I don't mind writing but am embarrassed to read. *wince* Sorry it ended up too sappy and OOC...this is one of the few fics where I put theme over characterization. :/ I was trying to articulate, in fiction form, the bond I love so much between Ven & Vanitas, and it's frustrating to me that no one else seems to see it except some yaoi fans.
The Wayfinder thing will make more sense if you've read A Gift For The Sleeper.
Anyway, platonic VenVan is one of my favorite pairings, and I'm...actually kind of surprised at how much people in this fandom seem to be against it. *sweatdrop* The only people who like it seem to be yaoi fans. But I really love VenVan for the same reason I love Xion/Vanitas and am mildly interested in Aqua/Vanitas and Kairi/Vanitas. The dynamic's always similar, it's just that it catches my interest most with Xion and with Ven. Which I assume is why I like the XiVenVan now, since it combines both pairings. XD
Okay, see, here's the deal - I see Ventus & Vanitas as two halves of the same person. The original Ven was hurt, broken, damaged when the darkness was forced out of his heart, and I see a reunion with Vanitas (a willing reunion, not the forced thing it was in canon) as a way for him to heal and become whole again. I mean, the idea of darkness in his heart isn't good, but that's another issue I won't go into. As far as this goes, I do think that Vanitas needs Ven very badly and longs to be reunited with him for more positive reasons than he admits to in canon, I believe strongly in the idea of Ven & Vani being two halves of a whole. However, ever since KH3D, I have been getting used to the idea of Vanitas growing a heart and developing into an individual. As long as his & Ven's shared past isn't denied or abused, I'm okay with that, too. And on top of all that, I've got the whole twins/brothers thing in my head, too, like a subconscious overlayering. Basically, the way I ship VenVan is complicated, but I'm...basically, what I think I'm trying to say is that I ship VenVan differently than a lot of people I've seen; definitely different than the yaoi fans who love semeVan (which I hate), but also others who are against VenVan for reasons other than yaoi. :/ There's some other issues, too, where I'm trying to hold onto my own opinions and views and not let myself get influenced by the opinions of others. If I change my opinions, I want it to be because I reasoned it out, not because I'm going with the flow.
Anyway. I love platonic VenVan, but I think that I and maybe SorasPrincesss are the only ones who ship them with similar interpretations.