Title: Ache
Pair: Max/Victoria
Rating: M-ish
Disclaimer: I own nothing! So don't even try to sue me.
Song: "Georgia" Vance Joy [I'd recommend listening to it either before or while you read this]
Note: I've been pretty obsessed with this song as of late and I couldn't get this idea out of my head so I knew if I didn't write it down I'd never be able to get anything else done. So I'm taking some liberties in assuming that Chasefield was canon-ish in my own kind of way in the alternate universe that Max was in. Also there are some spoilers for all the episodes.
It aches.
It feels like someone is pressing a white hot knife against the base of my skull; causing tentacles of pain to creep their way across my head before moving down to settle themselves deeply into my bones. I know right away that it is a different type of pain then what follows the over usage of my powers; time does not shimmer at the edges of my vision, there is no flow of blood from my nose. This ache is a new type of pain, I can only assume brought about by the fusion of two timelines into one body; I'm shattering the rules of the universe with a flick of my wrist, it is too easy and I find that I am not surprised that it is fighting back.
It only seems fair, no one appreciates a one sided battle.
But there is something different about it all, I have been back in my own time for less than a day but I know that the changes that have occurred in my body are ones that I may never recover from. As the ache flares up like a flashlight behind my eyes, I force them closed, squeezing them tight until the white light recedes and throws me back into the darkness of my own mind; but I know that it is not gone. It hums and sings to me as its tentacles tickle at the back of my ears and without knowing how I know, I know this pain is not my own; at least in the literal sense of the word.
It is mine, but at the same its not.
When I opened my eyes in that another timeline I felt the other me, the me that existed in that time in space. She fought as I took over, she screamed and cried as I took control of what was hers and forced her into a cell in the deepest parts of my mind. I had no control over what I was doing, her fate and my fate had been decided as soon as I had dropped those keys into the sink. I could not stop as she was sealed within that cell, there was nothing I could do as the key was lost, we were merged now and she got the short end of the stick.
This pain was hers...mine.
I hadn't felt it after those first few seconds while within her timeline, she had fallen quiet and simply seemed to be observing as I stomped around her world in her body. But as soon as I had awakened within my timeline once more she had flared up like a fire finally fed that oxygen it had been dying for. It was almost as if she knew that she would never exist again, that she would never again return to the life that she had known. I had destroyed that. She was trapped within me forever and even as I had left her body for my own once more, I had taken her with me.
What happened to her body I will never know.
But I know that this constant ache is her, it is her pain. The molten hot sensation down my spine are her tears, the throbbing sensation behind my ears are her agony filled cries. At times I find that I can almost ignore it, like an annoying white noise in that background that you are able to tune out with enough practice, when I busy my mind with a task or my body with an activity it is almost as if she can't get her screams past the ebb and flow of my own brains activates. It eases the ache, it never goes away but becomes a simple annoyance like a sore muscle would.
She was there with me through the day, mixing her feelings in with my own through painful pokes and probes that she was able to force past my barriers leaving me questioning at moments if what I was feeling was really what I was feeling. She was in Chloe's room with me, at Frank's motor home, at the boy's dormitories, in the barn, and in the junkyard; she was as constant as the sky was blue.
"Max..." Chloe's voice drew me back into my own reality once more, opening my eyes I glanced over in her direction, noticing how the light from the street lamps only seemed to be deepening the shadows that were thrown across her face. I could sense her pain just as clearly as I could feel my own; I wanted to reach over and smooth my thumb across the crease in her forehead, to ease the pain that poured off of her. A part of her had died in that junkyard, it had ripped itself free from Chloe's body and dropped down into the bag buried in the dirt never to return, never allowing Chloe to be complete again. I watched as a flash of annoyance crossed her features and realized that I hadn't said anything, I was just simply staring at her and I could only imagine the look that I was making. "We don't have time for this." her words were rough, throat probably still raw from her screams and tears.
I found myself nodding which seemed to be enough of a response for her as she moved past me and disappeared into the building, leaving me to trail behind her. As I stepped into the dubbed 'End of the World' party I felt myself being weighed down more and more by the consequences of the decisions that I had made, at this point I was so far down the rabbit hole that I wasn't even sure that I could get out if I tried, but I was also discovering that their was no Wonderland waiting at the end of the tunnel for me, just a storm.
I moved through the crowd with surprising ease, speaking to whomever I knew that I came across hoping that one of them might know where Nathan was; and with each answer it brought me closer to a moment that I could not have anticipated even with these forsaken powers of mine.
My other self had been rather quiet throughout this experience so far, nothing more than a slight prickling at my fingertips and a feeling that I could not quiet comprehend sitting low in my stomach that only seemed to grow as I was directed towards the VIP area with the knowledge that Victoria may know where Nathan was since no one as of yet had laid eyes upon at the party.
When I thought of Victoria I was confused by the sensations that the thought of her spread through my mind, like easing your body under the covers on a cold winter's night or that first feeling that raced through your body when drinking something warm, feeling it course its way to your stomach. The frustration that I usually felt when thinking of the Queen Bee of Blackwall was still there but it felt as if it had been smoothed down around the edges so that it was no longer sharp. The anger and hurt that Victoria had caused over the last few days now sat upon a deeper feeling, one that wanted nothing more than to take over and for a moment there was no ache; all I felt was the warm sensation in my stomach that seemed to press forward along to the beat of the pounding bass that swirled around me.
But the moment was gone before I could truly grasp ahold of it, it slipped through my fingers before I could pick it apart and try to understand it.
I knew without a doubt as soon as the feeling arrived that it was not my own.
I had gathered from the texts that I had received while in that different time that her relationship was different then what I had with the Victoria in my time. How different I could not fully know, we were friends but had there been something more there.
Could there have been love?
The sudden flare of a deep seated pain within my chest forced tears to my eyes and a pained gasp past my lips as the pain closed my heart within its tentacle grip and blinded my senses with a aching sadness that ran so deep that it became lost within my soul. I had ruined everything and in that moment I knew that with every certainty that I could muster, I could not fix the mess that I had created with my foolish abandonment for everything each time I had used my power. Even if I stopped the storm and saved as many people as I could there would always be something that I could never make right again no matter how many times I went back and tried again.
I had ruined my own life. It may have been a life in an alternate time but it was still mine.
Chloe was right though, we did not have the time for any of this; I had to get control over whatever was happening to me because people where in danger; Victoria being one of them and right now it seemed as if the two of us were the only things standing in the way of more Chaos.
Forcing myself forward with a quick swipe of my forearm across my eyes to clear away any evidence that the sadness had left behind. I moved through the motions of getting myself into the VIP area, silently thanking anyone that was listening for having gotten my name put on that list earlier in the week. Easing my body through the curtains I took in the scene before me as if I had been peering at it all through a looking glass, I felt a distance from the people around me; they had no idea what was happening right under their noses, it seemed nearly impossible that so much pain and agony could pass through this world without even being noticed. Did the ghosts of those who had suffered scarp and claw at us with pleading screams and heart wrenching cries just to be noticed, to be known in their suffering only to have us pass through them in our complete ignorance.
Shaking myself free of these thoughts, I pushed myself forward again and deeper into the room. Questions where asked and answers were given once more as I moved through the people crowded around the room in small groups, the smell of sweat, weed, and alcohol becoming an unpleasant taste at the back of my throat the more I lingered within the space, the ache at the base of my skull only seeming to intensify with the beat thrown out from the speakers.
I was exhausted and I was finding that adrenaline could only take you so far before your body become to suffer the affects that it had been numbing you from. Everything had been moving so fast and I could not remember the last time that I had slept. Sure I had slept while in the other timeline but had that slept effected my body in my timeline, or had I simply helped out a body that I would never occupy again. Had my body slept while I was gone or had I just stumbled around like a zombie; or had my body even actually existed while I had been gone.
God I was giving myself a worse headache just trying to figure it all out.
Even with time controlling powers I still could not come close to grasping at a understanding of what I was messing with.
I had just turned the slight corner in the room when I finally caught sight of her; Victoria. She stood within her group of friends like she always did; that same cocky confidence coming off of her in waves but for the first time I found myself being forced to look past that, like seeing past a smoke screen that someone had thrown up. My eyes trailed over the side of her face, smoothing down across her cheek and noticing the small crinkle at the side of her mouth each time she smiled as if she was forcing the corners of her mouth up. I took in the tightness of her shoulders and the straightness in her back, when she laughed the tension in her body did not ease and I realized that whatever she was putting across to her friends was fake. Some of the general emotions of the encounter may have been genuine but the rest was a facade she was wearing.
She was standing a decent distance away from me but I could still see the strings that held her mask in place, it seemed as if she was running on auto pilot. Speak here, laugh now, and be sure to remember to smile.
For the first time since I had met Victoria I felt like I knew more about her then anyone else in this school that in these past few seconds I had gained more knowledge about her then she ever let anyone see. Everything that she tried so hard to keep hidden laid bare before me I could suddenly see her insecurities and doubts sliding over her bare flesh like sweat across the smooth muscles of her stomach. My fingers twitched at my sides as the memory of her skin filtered across my brain, I had never touched it like this but I knew that it was soft.
I blinked slowly as the sensations flirted across my body like the recovering of a lost memory; my breath poured out like smoke past my lips as I felt her lips upon my neck, she liked to bite, her insecurities demanded that she mark what was hers so that everyone could see. I could remember blood, pain, and apologies when she had once bitten too hard. I tasted her lips on mine, felt the slickness of her tongue darting across my bottom lip; knew that she kissed like she did everything else: with perfection.
Images began to dart across my vision like a projector knocked off its reel; I could see her naked form basked in the soft light thrown out by the lamp on her desk as she walked towards me, the crease by her mouth gone as she smiled only to be replaced moments later by the image of her body arching up towards my own, her muscles taunt as her breathing came out in ragged gasps, my ears burning with the sound of her moans and my name being thrown out into the darkness bouncing off the walls inside my brain . I felt the pain of her nails in my back as I brought her too her release; I felt the satisfaction within myself that I was the only one that could bring her to this, that I was the only one that could completely tear her apart.
Shatter her.
But I could also build her back up, push away her doubts and calm her insecurities; my fingers curled up into my palm as I felt the softness of her hand in mine, saw her tugging me forward towards the door of her dorm room, her smirk playful and her eyes teasing as she drawled out my full name past her lips, the way her tongue curled around each syllable sending a rush of molten heat to pool in my lower stomach. She had wanted me to break her, to destroy every part of her until she had known only me, my touch, my kiss, and just everything that was me because I made her forget.
It had just been sex for me.
The realization came to me like a bolt of lightening scorching across my skin, only to be followed by a cooling sensation that I knew well. Guilt.
It had just been sex for me because I hadn't known any better, it didn't take me long to come to the conclusion that the me in that different time could be just as slow and dense as the me that I currently was. Her pain flared up within my brain again, aching so badly that I felt the pain pulse within my teeth following along to the uneven tempo of my heartbeat. I knew that I was not using my power but time had seemed to slow around me through this process of realization, the music had become a deep grumble; the lights still pulsed around me but at a near snails pace. I blinked slowly once more, feeling as if I was being physically effected by this slowing in time for the first time.
She hadn't understood.
I hadn't comprehended what it all had really meant.
It had been love for Victoria.
She hadn't believe that Victoria could truly love, I had shrugged off the signs that should have told me that everything was not as it seemed. I felt ashamed that I had judged her just like others had, I had been her friend and thought that I had known her but I had missed what had really mattered. She had thought that it was just sex so she had forced away any thoughts about deeper emotions because even with thinking she had known everything about Victoria, she had still managed to hide what she felt behind yet another mask that we had never even seen.
My temples burned with this confusing merging of minds that was taking place, I knew things and felt things that I shouldn't. Everything that I was seeing and feeling had never taken place to me, I was not the one who had been there but even knowing this I could not escape the feeling that came with each memory.
I tried to swallow past the lump that had risen within my throat, my hands were shaking as I tried to sort through everything. I felt like hours of time had passed and maybe in my mind they had but for my body it had been closer to a minute. Time was beginning to move around me again at a normal pace, the music coming back louder than ever and adding a level of difficulty at my attempt to untangle my thoughts.
I couldn't understand how it was that she had suddenly come to this conclusion, had she been rooting around in my memories this whole time; had my interactions with Victoria been what brought her to this realization? Had watching those memories through my eyes brought a sudden understanding to her?
I had a hard enough time trying to comprehend my own thoughts but trying to comprehend her thoughts which were my thoughts as well just made the molten knife sink deeper into my skull.
A sudden tickling sensation at my spine made me realize that I was being watching, focusing my eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. I once again took in the scene before me and found the air nearly ripped from my lungs when my gaze met her own.
Victoria was looking at me, I did not know for how long but she was looking at me with an expression that I had never seen directed at me before. There was a small frown tugging down the sides of her mouth as she stared me down, the color in her eyes appearing to shift back and forth as the lights above us flashed.
I could see her fear.
In the moment as we held each other gaze I was suddenly aware that she knew in some earth shattering way that I knew her. Not the girl that she showed up to school as everyday, not the girl that called me 'Hipster trash' on a daily basis, or the girl that had nearly sent a girl tumbling off the side of a building to her demise but the girl that she really was beneath all those masks. I watched as she brought her arms up to cross across her chest in a reflect as if she had just realized that she now stood naked before my gaze.
I felt the corner of my mouth lift up in a small smile, her eyebrow arching up slightly in response. She had questions, I could see them in her eyes but I could also see her fighting them. She didn't understand what had happened, which probably was a good thing because I couldn't explain it even if I tried.
The moments continued to tick by as we looked at each other, I could almost feel the wheels working within her brain, picked up the little things like the way she shifted on her feet and the way her fingers curled around her bicep as if she needed something, anything to hold onto. I held my ground because I hadn't honestly decided what I wanted to do with everything that I now knew. I didn't honestly know what this other me wanted me to do, did she want me to try and fix her mistake because that wasn't possible because this Victoria, my Victoria wasn't the same. Maybe in some strange universal way they where but in the way that mattered in the here and now they weren't.
But as I stood there and watched, I felt my brain reaching back through all of the memories that now filled my brain, memories that were mine and not mine at the same time which were mixing in with memories that were defiantly mine. They shared certain ticks and traits, like the crease at the corner of her mouth and the way they said her name in that teasing way, this Victoria may force more bite into her words but deep down it was still the same. The nervous shifting of her feet and way she seemed to stand straighter when she was in a situation that felt out of her control appeared to be the same as well.
I couldn't stop myself from wondering if they shared other things as well, other things that she had experienced in that alternate timeline that I just had not yet to experience here. Would this Victoria giggle if I brushed butterfly kisses across her cheek?Would this Victoria press her body flush into mine if I were to kiss the same sensitive spot under her ear? Would this Victoria sing my name into the heavens when I brought her to her climax?
Could this Victoria love me?
Did I want her to?
I watched as her head tilted slightly to the side, a frown no longer present. She was smiling the smallest of smiles, one that I would have missed if I hadn't been concentrating so hard on her. I small explosion of heat flared up in my chest when I saw that their was no crease at the corner of her mouth, it may have been small but she was truly smiling at me. I may not have known at that moment what was running through her head or what she was truly feeling that caused her to smile at me but I knew without a doubt that I liked when she smiled.
And I wanted to see her smile more often. Not the smiles that were in memories in my brain that were not my own but smiles that I was apart of, smiles that I was the reason behind.
I didn't love Victoria Chase but in that moment I was sure that I could.
I watched as one of her friends touched her arm and pulled her attention away from me, felt the world come crashing back around me when her eyes were pulled away from mine as if by shear will she had been keeping the demons at bay. As I stood there staring at the back of her head I felt the whispers of the dead return, felt the weight of Rachael's death and Chloe's suffering bear back down upon my shoulders. I could sense the storm clouds that were growing in the distance, I could feel the storms desire like is was a living thing and it wanted nothing more then to devour everyone and everything it touched.
These newfound thoughts and feelings would have to wait, they would be shoved down and placed somewhere safe until I had the time to truly give them the attention that I knew they deserved. I had a job to do and I had to complete it because if I didn't there wouldn't be a chance to do anything after, people's lives were depending on me even if they didn't even know it: Victoria being one of them.
I would deal with the ache that pulsed in the back of skull, I wouldn't push it away, I would truly feel it because it would remind me of what the consequences of my choices have been. And when I beat this, when I save my timeline from being sucked into this never ending rabbit hole, I would do my best to make amends for my mistakes, mistakes that I might only know about but mistakes all the same.
She may have not understood it all in her timeline but maybe just maybe I could in mine.
Surging forward with a newfound purpose, I moved towards Victoria because I had to warn her, I had to try and keep her safe and then I would go and find Nathan and end all of this because I was tired and my body ached.
It ached but I think I knew now why it ached.
Who it ached for.