Mai had just managed to stop the tears when the door in front of her opened.

"Mai? Why are you here?" Oliver asked, his head cocked to one side. "Why have you been crying?"

"I'm not crying."

Tears began to spill from her eyes.

"Mai, I may be lacking in many social skills, but observation is not one of them. Come in."

Oliver stood to one side and Mai crept into the apartment.

"Is Gene in? Masako is on holiday and Yasuhara is out on a date this evening and I need someone to talk to."

"If he was, I would have already called him here."

"Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound as rude as it did," Mai said, wiping her eyes, "I just know you don't like the whole emotions thing."

"Does anyone like the 'emotions thing' as you so eloquently put it?" Oliver asked, moving away from Mai and towards the kitchen.

He flicked the kettle on.

"No. Or at least, I don't. Emotions suck," Mai muttered as she joined him. "Are you making tea?"

"I was planning on it."

"Let me do it."

Oliver smiled, unseen by Mai.

"Want to tell me why your eyes are leaking?"

"Ryan broke up with me." Mai poured the boiling water into the teapot. She opened the cupboard above her head and reached for two mugs. "Why do you insist on putting things on the top shelf?"

"To make the most efficient use of the space," Oliver replied. "And he did not deserve you."

"Didn't he?" Mai asked. "I don't see why not."

"He was wrong for you."

"Get the mugs down, please."

Oliver did not comply.

"You do not believe me," he stated.

"No, I don't. On paper he was perfect. He deserved far better than me. Now, please, get the mugs down."

Oliver scoffed.

"He is an idiot, and I'm not getting the mugs down until you agree with me."

"Why would I agree with you?"

"Because only an idiot would break up with you."

Mai laughed. She could not help herself.

"Did Gene teach you that line?"

"It sounds like something he would say, doesn't it?" Oliver agreed. "But I came up with it all on my own."

"I'm very proud of you," Mai said, patronisingly.

Oliver got down two mugs.

"It's true though. And that is not the only reason why he was wrong for you."

Mai finished making the tea before responding.

"Okay then, I'll oblige you. Why was he wrong for me?"

Oliver took a seat in the big squishy armchair and Mai curled up on the sofa. He took a sip of his tea and started to list reasons.

"He is an idiot."

"You said that one."

"He's unattractive," Oliver continued as if Mai had not spoken.

"He's not—"

"He has a dead end job."

"That's not—"

"He eats with his mouth open."

"He did that once—"

"He doesn't shower every day."

"He—"

"He has no hobbies."

"Yes, he does—"

"He's a slobbery kisser."

"How—"

"He forgot your anniversary."

"He's forg—"

"He watched a boy push a little girl over and said 'well boys will be boys'."

"That—"

"He never cleaned anything."

"He doesn't know—"

"He yelled at that waiter."

"He'd had a bad—"

"He refused to buy you tampons."

"He—"

"He stared repeatedly at other women's breasts."

"He's not a boob person!" Mai objected. "He said told me so!"

"I'm sure he did tell you that," Oliver said. He sipped at his tea. "But his actions imply otherwise."

"And half that other stuff you said is rubbish too."

"I'm waiting to be proven wrong."

"He's not an idiot. He has a degree in Business Studies," Mai said defensively. Oliver scoffed again. "Look, just because you don't think that it's valuable, doesn't mean it isn't!"

"Yes, I'll give you that. But he's working as a salesman. He could do that without the degree."

"And that job is not a dead end! His manager said he was doing really well!"

"Yes, because he's taking advantage of vulnerable people that don't know better," Oliver muttered.

"He's not ugly," Mai continued.

"He's a four at best."

"No, he's not!"

"Mai, seriously—"

"You're not even attracted to men!"

"I don't need to be attracted to men to appreciate what is and is not aesthetically pleasing. He is not."

"Even if he was a four, which he isn't, I can't expect much better—"

"Oh shut up. That's ridiculous. You can do better than a four."

"He only ate with his mouth open when he had a cold."

"He could have covered his mouth with his hand. That was still grotesque."

"He couldn't shower when it was broken," Mai went on. "That wasn't his fault."

"He could have used yours? Or one at the gym?"

"He doesn't go to the gym," Mai said.

"Which brings me to my other point, he has no hobbies."

"He does! He likes watching football."

"Which you hate."

"I don't hate it."

"Yes, you do."

"Well he didn't like my hobbies!"

"You crochet and do yoga. The first doesn't get in anyone's way and the second one is beneficial to your health."

Mai sighed.

"Why do you think he's a slobbery kisser?" she asked.

"Gene told me."

"Why does Gene—"

"Yasuhara told him."

"Yasuhara knows nothing."

"Masako told him."

"That bitch. Fine, you can have that one. But I can't expect everything, can I?"

"What's your excuse for him forgetting your anniversary?" Oliver asked.

"He'd had a busy week at work."

"And had forgotten it before that."

"He's bad at remembering things."

"He could have put it in his calendar on his phone. Reminders are very easy things to set up," Oliver pointed out.

Mai sighed again.

"I have no idea what you were on about with the 'boys will be boys' thing. I never heard him say that," she said.

"I did. When we went for that meal as a group. You had gone to the toilet and—"

"Okay fine, I get it. You don't like him."

"Of course I don't."

Mai's shoulders deflated.

"He never cleaned because he didn't know how. And he'd had a bad day when he yelled at that waiter. He apologised later."

"To the waiter?"

"No…"

"And it's not hard to learn how to clean things. You literally just spray cleaning product and wipe."

"And lots of boys don't like period stuff, it's gross, I get it."

"He's not a boy, he's a grown man."

"Fine, if you know so much better, then what sort of man should I date?" Mai asked. She wanted to sound angry, but in truth, her voice was tired. Being broken up with was exhausting.

"Well, someone with a brain for a start. You like stimulating conversation. Someone who can look after themselves. They've got to have a good job and be able to take care of themselves without someone mothering them. Talking of mothering, you want children. So they must want children and be attractive enough that you will together, produce something aesthetically pleasing, for the sake of the family photographs."

Mai laughed.

"Seriously?" she asked.

"Do you want ugly children?"

"Well of course not, but that's not the most—"

"Then their father needs to be at least somewhat attractive. They must also want children and will not teach your sons bad habits."

"Ryan wouldn't—"

"He's not even an option Mai. He failed at the unattractive idiot stage."

"You're so mean."

"You asked me for what I thought."

"Fine, carry on," Mai said with a sigh.

"His hobbies must compliment yours, or at least not get in the way of them. So something where he can sit and do things while you mumble numbers to yourself and tangle up wool sounds reasonable. Perhaps reading."

"Right."

"They should definitely be willing to pick up tampons for you. That's just basic courtesy. And talking of basic courtesy, they ought to have manners—"

Mai burst out laughing.

"I am so glad you said that."

Oliver frowned.

"What? Why?"

"Well for a moment, I thought you were just going to keep describing yourself. But you don't have any manners so—"

"I don't chew with my mouth open. And I maintain basic hygiene standards. And I'm not rude to service workers."

"You rarely use the words 'please' or 'thank you'."

"I never said I was perfect," Oliver muttered, rolling his eyes.

Mai frowned a little.

"So… So you were describing yourself?"

She whispered the words but Oliver heard them as if she was shouting.

"I— No. That's just a coincidence. I am dreadful with children and as you said, have poor verbal manners."

"Yeah, you also hide things on the top shelf," Mai muttered. "I swear you do that just to make me ask for help. As if I'm the one with the pride problem about asking for help."

"We're talking about your failing love life, not my personal issues," Oliver retorted. "We can save my problems for another day."

"I think you missed the dig I had at your pride."

"Oh no, I caught it. I just ignored it."

Mai rolled her eyes.

"So where am I going to find this perfect man you describe?" she asked.

"Perhaps you could try that grinder thing Gene goes on about," Oliver said, shrugging his shoulders.

"You mean Grindr? You know that's for gay men right?"

"Oh, then perhaps not."

Mai laughed.

"Where is Gene anyway?" she asked.

"He's on a date with Yasuhara."

Mai's mouth fell open.

"What?"

"They've been dating in secret for several weeks and think I have not noticed."

"Those sneaky gits."

Mai yawned.

"It's late," Oliver commented. "Do you have work tomorrow?"

"I'm going to take the day off. I have enough leave to."

"Do you want to stay over? Or I can drive you home?"

Mai smiled.

"Nah, I'll head back. I'm fine, I appreciate the offer though. I dunno, listening to you insult him makes me feel a little better about it all."

"I can insult him some more if you like?"

Mai laughed and stood up. She took her mug to the kitchen and rinsed it out before placing it on the drying rack.

"I should really head home," she said.

Oliver had followed her to the kitchen. He placed his own mug down next to the sink.

"Do you want a hug, before you go?"

"You really have been listening to your brother, huh."

"Don't tell him that," Oliver said. "But maybe."

He held his arms open, inviting Mai in for a hug, but she shook her head.

"I know you're not a fan of physical contact, it's okay. I appreciate the gesture. Thank you Oliver."

Oliver's arms fell to the side. He followed Mai to the door and waved her off with a forced smile.

Later that night, Gene came home to find Oliver sitting in the armchair, reading.

"Have you been there all evening?" he asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Mai came round. I had to get up to let her in."

Gene frowned.

"She did? Why?"

"Her boyfriend broke up with her."

"Oh, sucks. Well, that's good for you though, isn't it?"

"Why would that be good for me?" Oliver asked. "She was crying."

"Oh jeesh, what did you do?"

"I did what I do best and insulted people. Primarily, her now ex."

Gene sighed.

"How did that go down?"

"Well she laughed occasionally. So I guessed it worked. I even offered her a hug, though she refused."

Gene took a seat.

"Are you… Are you going to ask her out now?"

"Why would I do that? Besides, surely that is tactless."

"Because you like her, Noll? And you'd be great together."

Oliver rolled his eyes.

"How did your date with Yasuhara go?" he asked, changing the subject.

"What? We didn't— No— How—"

Oliver smirked.

"You two are so obvious. Mai hadn't realised until I told her, that is…"

"What?"

"How did it go?"

"I… Really well, actually," Gene admitted. "Look, we didn't want to make a fuss in case it didn't work out. We didn't want it to be weird because we're all friends and—"

"I understand," Oliver said. "I am glad it went well."

"I should probably head to bed, got an early start tomorrow."

"I told Mai exactly why Ryan was wrong for her. She asked me what sort of man was right for her and I told her what I thought," Oliver blurted. "She burst out laughing when I said manners because up until that point, she thought I was describing myself. She then asked me where she'd find this ideal man. She did not see me as an option, Gene. I'm not even on her radar."

Gene's face fell.

"I'm sorry, Noll."

Oliver shrugged.

"She'll come round," Gene went on. "Maybe. Maybe she just needs a bit of time. You're right, she has just broken up with someone." He stood up, walked alongside Oliver's chair and gave his twin's shoulder a quick squeeze. "I'm sorry, Noll."

Oliver waited for his brother to leave, then headed to bed himself. As he lay his head against the pillow, he thought about Mai.

Regardless of his own feelings, he was glad she was no longer with Ryan. And now there was hope that maybe, one day, she'd look his way...

Author's note: So I was avoiding writing other stuff and this came out? I don't really like it? But I'd welcome constructive feedback.