**I have been in the SnK fandom now for almost a year, but never felt too comfortable sharing my written works for some odd reason. I'm in this fandom DEEP and there's no way I'll ever leave. I really hope you enjoy this random little story. The end is opened to what you, as the reader, believe it should be. Let me know what you think!**
Breathing in slowly, it was clear that the scent he had come to know so long ago was still hanging in the air; it surrounded him, gave him the ability to stay alive by being his own form of necessary oxygen. It was when he was alone with this scent overwhelming him that he realizes how small and suffocating the room is which he lies in night after night- whether it be alone or not; when there was a much larger body beside his own, holding him and causing that scent to envelope him along with those strong arms, it was easier to deal with the suffocating air in the room, but the nights he had to sleep alone were the ones where he would stay up well into the morning- most nights not even sleeping- and be choked to tears by the lingering scent and the haunting, cold memories . The first memories he has of that man whose scent both wraps around him gently and squeezes ruthlessly are not happy ones; they are cold, filled with hatred and the desire to kill. In those days, his heart was mainly cold (it still was), and would partially open up only to the warmth provided by the two closest to him. In those days he felt only hatred towards the man whom he now lo- respected.
A shiver wracked through his smaller than average body, causing him to instinctively curl into himself under the covers; the pillow that smelt the strongest of that lingering scent was wrapped tightly in his arms as he lay in such a vulnerable position. How amusing; I- Humanity's Strongest Soldier- reduced to a pathetic man clutching his pillow to me as I wallow in my shitty feelings. Levi was never one to open up, and on the few occasions he had done so- however slightly- those people were torn from his arms and out of his life.
Perhaps that is why he was so reluctant to name the feelings he has had for years love and dubbed them respect.
The path in life Levi had originally started down was clear to him; he knew what he had to do in life to survive on a day to day basis, and that was enough for him. His entire world was turned upside down by the man who was set on him joining the Survey Corps. From that day on, Levi's path in life has been redirected towards a new destination, a new goal: winning the war the titans had waged a hundred years ago. Even with his new path carved out for him by way of blades and blood, Levi found himself thinking back to those days in the Underground; how different would his life be? Would he be dead by now? Would they still be alive? Looking back on things now with the current situation on mind, it would probably have been better for him to continue his life as a thug in the Underground with them; he wouldn't have been the cause of so many deaths- of their deaths, of his death- and he wouldn't have the lives of countless soldiers with faces and names he would never forget in his hands. Yes, perhaps the path he had been traveling down prior to his meeting with the man he lo- respected would have been best. However, this was his path now: Fighting the titans and the government to rid this world of the cruelties it suffered from. Levi knew this, and yet he still wished things could go back to how they were years ago- before he joined the Survey Corps, before he met Erwin.
Why did you… "Why did you have to do this?" Levi mumbled into the pillow that he desperately clung to. His head throbbed as his thoughts violently lashed through his head, screaming and taunting him as he tried frantically to banish them. Levi was a collected man, but not after what had happened… It was a miracle he could even think straight without breaking into a rampage of fury and grief and guilt.
It had been four days since Erwin Smith- 13th Commander of the Survey Corps- was executed for treason against the government and crown; four days since the man whom Levi had shared a bed with for well over five years had been killed. The only reason Levi was still alive was due to Erwin insisting Levi had constantly spoke against his plans and actions of the coup d'état, and that was what Levi felt the most guilt about; Erwin had defended Levi with his last breath, till his very last seconds of life, when it was Levi who promised to do the very same to Erwin. Erwin had been the one to whisper words of affection, worship, praise, and love to Levi during their nights in each other's embraces, and Levi never responded with his own feelings. Erwin never pressured Levi into voicing his feelings towards him and always let Levi take things at his own pace in nearly all aspects of their relationship. The two were not in a perfect relationship by any standards, but they were content with the way they had spent their time together; neither needed to define their relationship as anything other than just that- a relationship. There was a mutual respect between them, as well as a deep fondness and comfort, and even though Levi never voiced his feelings, there was the joint love shared between the two men.
Now, Levi would never have the opportunity to voice his feelings to Erwin.
Levi's throat tightened as a sob fought its way up and out, but he was able to choke it back. His face was buried in the pillow with Erwin's lingering scent; it had grown faint, the scent, but it was still there, and it was one of the few things Levi still had that was Erwin's. What would he do once the scent had faded away, vanished from the air to no longer remind him of his Commander? Levi was still alive, he was still breathing and able to keep the war going, but he no longer had a reason to do so now that Erwin was not by his side; he had once envisioned a world free of titans, of a corrupt ruling system, and in that world he and Erwin were side by side, ready to face the next path their lives would go down. Levi was left alone, Erwin no longer by his side.
Levi wanted to hold onto Erwin for as long as possible, but with the scent of the man fading from the pillow and the room, he knew it wouldn't be as long as he would hope for.
More memories began to haunt Levi; he knew he should find solace in these memories of the two of them, but all they did was enforce the strong guilt and anguish he felt over Erwin's death. He tried to think of the happier times, and when thinking of such times further twisted the cold steel in his heart, he shifted his thoughts to just Erwin himself. As Levi closed his eyes, he could see those blue eyes that looked much too young for a man his age, wrinkles absent from around their edges looking back at him, that blonde hair normally neatly combed in place falling into those blue eyes, the smooth ivory skin marred by scars accumulated over years of fighting titans taunt over hardened muscles created by harsh training and harsher fighting. Levi could feel Erwin's callused yet gentle hands moving up his abdomen, roughened fingers smoothing over scars that disfigured his own pale skin. He could feel Erwin's warm, quickened breath on his neck and his deep voice whispering filthily in his ear as the two moved together as one- the sounds of the desperate and fierce thrusts of their hips mixing in the air with their deep pants and barely controlled sounds of pleasure. As Levi thought about this memory- or was it more of a fantasy at this point?- he felt the tears begin to swell up in his eyes for the possibly twentieth time that day.
A pained shout ripped its way from Levi's throat, only to be swallowed by the pillow still pulled tight against his body. Living without Erwin seemed impossible at this point; in the mornings he would set two cups of tea for him and Erwin, only to fill one and sit across from the empty teacup, and during the nights he would finish his nightly shower and walk into their shared bedroom, expecting to see Erwin already lying in bed reading a book or going over paperwork. Things were so different now, and Levi wasn't sure if he could get used his life being changed so drastically; he had gotten so used to his life with Erwin for the past years, and to have it all ripped away from under his trembling feet was too overwhelming for Levi to try to comprehend.
Levi always believed to make choices that would lead to the least regret, but he couldn't think of a choice he had made that he regretted more than not dying at Erwin's side along with him.
Thoughts of death were welcoming to Levi now; once he wouldn't even consider dying at his own hands, but it was the only option for him to be able to no longer feel the storm of emotions that raged inside him. "Erwin…" His broken and shaky voice sounded in the room filled with silence, "Erwin… I love you…"
Levi accepted death as his punishment for all the wrongs he had done throughout his life, but he also welcomed it with open arms as a relief from the seemingly never-ending pain that coursed through him.
His tired eyes opened as the lingering scent became strong once more, and he was greeted by that smile he had seen so many times and had taken for granted. That smile was followed by the smooth, deep voice he would never forget, "Levi…"