EVA: A World Twisted
Disclaimer : Evangelion belongs to Gainax.
Godannar belongs to Yasuchika Nagaoka
Inspired by the movie Santa's Slay directed by David Steiman
Staring Bill Goldberg as Santa (Yes you read the right)
If you can appreciate dark humor and are tired of the usual holiday movies rent this. Also checkout Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas. (A Tales from the Crypt Christmas Album. )
This is a side story for my EVA: A World Twisted ongoing tale, mainly because I wanted to do this but had no idea where to put it in the main storyline.
This story is rated T also there are some original characters in this.
EVA: A World Twisted Christmas Special
Twisted Christmas
THE NORTH POLE
Snow had begun to fall. The sleigh was ready. Always one to keep his word, they had allowed him an exception tonight to reclaim what is his. The large man in the red and white suit stepped into his sleigh, with a shout and a yell he was off. His destination? Tokyo-3
TOKYO-3
"I can't believe the Commander is actually letting us have a Christmas party." said Asuka
The four teens walked thought the streets of Tokyo-3. A cold wind blew through the streets. Some of the shops had festive decorations up.
"Probably a way to keep moral up" said Shinji "I doubt my father cares about Christmas."
Shinji zipped his coat up a little higher. Misato had insisted he dress in slight fancier clothes for the party. He was wearing dress pants and shirt.
"I was suppose to spend time with, Hikari but something came up" said Asuka trying to sound bored.
She was in a red dress under her heavy coat.
"I didn't think the Japaneses really celebrated Christmas." said Draven "I was always told it was just a popular date night." The American was the only non-Eva Pilot of their group. Draven was the pilot of a very powerful non Eva Anti-Angel weapon. Officially called Combat Unit 3 it was more often refereed to by its nickname The Danner.
Like Shinji he wore dress pants and shirt.
"I believe that is why Hikari is busy tonight" said Rei,
"WHAT?" said Asuka? "How the hell do you know what she's doing Wondergirl?"
"I over heard Kensuke, congratulating Toji on finally asking her out." replied Rei calmly
"I'll never get what she sees in that stooge." mumbled Asuka
"No you won't" agreed Rei
Asuka turned to face "I dare you say that again." demanded Asuka
The boys had become used to their bickering and stepped in.
"Calm down" said Shinji gently, taking Rei by the arm
"Yeah, back home we always said this is the season for love and peace towards your fellow man, so let's not have a fight on Christmas Eve." said Draven stepping in front of Asuka
"Hmrph" Asuka muttered ""Whats wrong Shinji? Don't want me to hurt her before you can get her under the mistletoe?"
"Shinji does not need mistletoe if he wishes to kiss me" shot back Rei
"You're just as bad as that blonde whore. You can't wait to get Shinji in the sack!" Asuka shouted
"Enough!" said Shinji forcefully. It was at times like this, as much as both loathed to admit it, Shinji did inherit somethings from his father
With another"Hmrph" Asuka turned and strode down the street.
"Makes me glad Erica and Myna are back in England for Christmas" muttered Draven
Shinji nodded. He didn't have anything against the two busty blondes. Erica's habit of endlessly trying to seduce Shinji, was becoming tiresome. The time she slipped into his bed while he was sleeping was still fresh in Shinji's mind.
The two were pilots from England, like Draven their robots were not EVAs. Unlike the Danner, the girls had a solo Angel kill under their belts.
"You know those two are going to go at it one day." said Draven as he watched Asuka get farther away
"Yeah." agreed Shinji. "I just hope we're around to stop them before they kill each other."
Asuka stopped, she turned to the other teens "Well?" she asked "Are you coming or not?"
"Wouldn't miss it" Draven said smirking as he ran to catch up.
NERV
Commander Ikari's Office
"I must admit I never thought you had much Christmas Spirit" said Fuyutsuki
The older man was clad in his usual NERV uniform topped of with a Santa.
"Much to contrary" replied Commander Ikari "I have a great deal of respect for the Christmas Spirit."
The younger man was seated at his usual desk his hand folded together.
"I shall attend the party later, go on a head Fuyutsuki"
"I'll try to save you some egg-nog" the older man said with a smile "No promises if Major Katsuragi shows up."
When he was alone, Ikari reached into his desk drawer and removed an old and battered book from it.
The faded title read The Book of Claus
"Yes I respect it a great deal" whispered Ikari with his usual evil smirk.
The NERV Cafeteria is usually only praised for it coffee, tonight however the staff seemed to go all out
Food of a far higher quality was in steam tables lined the wall. The decorations were hung with care and holiday music filled the room. Shinji had heard a few of these before while spending time at Draven's place. He couldn't understand what the people were singing as it was in English although a few of the instrumental songs he rather liked.
"Is this dress appealing?" a calm voice asked.
Shinji turned to see Rei a white dress that fit her perfectly. It wasn't too revealing but showed off just enough of her legs and other assets. Shinji found himself staring in awe.
"Do you not like it?" asked Rei a note of worry creeping into her voice.
"No I-I mean" stammered Shinji "You look fantastic!"
A faint red blush appeared on Rei's face.
The quiet paired stared at each other, both wishing to themselves that they were alone somewhere.
Things felt awkward with so many people around.
Not far away Asuka watched on with some degree of disgust
"Hmrph she's got him eating out of her hand" Asuka said
"Oh leave them along Asuka" said Draven He offered her a glass. "Eggnog?"
Asuka accepted the glass, "What so special about Wondergirl?" she asked
before taking a drink.
"Well she does have a bit of an exotic look, with pale skin, red yes and blue hair" said Draven looking carefully at Rei "And she does fill out that dress nicely."
Asuka shot a look of irritation at the young man. "You wish it was you over there instead of Shinji don't you!"
"Rei's too passive for me," admitted Draven "I prefer girls with a bit of fire in their eyes" he glanced at Asuka with a small grin,
The words had the desired effect on the Second child. Asuka turned away but he could tell a trace of red had begun to show on her face.
"Pervert" she whispered
She took a long drink from her glass
"Let's go. I want to get some food" Asuka said
"Why do you need me?" asked Draven
"To carry my tray." said Asuka
"Uh OK" replied Draven puzzled "Are you going for that much food it'll be to heavy for you?"
"Are you stupid?" asked Asuka said "Have you taken a good look at my dress."
She was wearing a red dress with some green accents. It was a bit more revealing that Rei's
"I've always thought red was your best color." said Draven looking over her outfit appreciatively
"Exactly, what if some clumsy idiot knocks into to me.? My dress would be ruined" said Asuka as if it was the most obvious thing in the world
Draven laughed "Well as long as it's a good reason."
XXX
Entrance to NERV
"Just one more hour" the guard muttered to himself "The I can go to the party."
His shift was almost over with luck he could get there before Major Katsuragi got completely drunk. The Major had a reputation as a fun drunk around NERV. Many of the male staff were eager to see just how fun. Hell maybe she'd take her top off this time.
The guard checked his watch again. He could hear bells in the distance. Probably one of those guys dressed as Santa for charity. That's what he thought until the bells got louder.
Approaching the door was the strangest sight the guard had eve seen. A large animal pulling a sleigh made of a viking boat. In the boat was a huge man wearing a Santa suit.
The sleigh came to stop in front of the guard. The large man got out.
"Freeze, this is a restricted area," ordered the guard
"Restricted huh? I've seen chimneys harder to get into than this place." said the man in a gravelly voice.
"Identify yourself" order the guard
The man looked at the guard "Even you nitwits in Japan know who I am. I'm Santa Claus."
"Right and I'm Son Goku" the man shot back raising his weapon higher
Santa turned to his beast "Well I tried to do this the nice way"
The huge man's hand shot out and ripped the gun away from the guard. Grabbing the guard by his collar Santa hoisted him off the ground
"Fortunately I'm a man of my word" Santa said taking the man's NERV ID before throwing him against the wall were he slumped unconscious
The beast let out a snort
"What?" asked Santa "He's not dead."
Santa swiped the ID, opening the doors.
"Come on" he said to the beast "We've got to spread a little Yule time fear."
Deep in his office Commander Ikari was watching the video monitors. He witnessed the attack at the gate.
So Ikari thought he's here. The usual wicked smile crossed his face
So fortunate that there were so many of NERV's staff in the base at the moment. They would make a perfect buffer.
Ikari picked up his desk phone "There is an intruder, he must be apprehended" he ordered.
The Party
"I suppose this food isn't too bad" Asuka said trying the seafood dish that few had wanted to touch.
"Nice to see NERV can shell out money on this otter that giant robots on occasion" agreed Draven
Shinji and Rei were siting nearby, both were still very quit shooting each other odd looks.
"Well isn't this nice"
The four teens turned to see Misato walking over to their table, Ritsuko behind her looking a bit embarrassed.
"You guys are looking so lovey dovey, am I going to have the apartment to myself tonight?"
Each teen's face turned red, Asuka was the first to react
"Me and this Pervert?" she gestured to Draven "Are you drunk?"
"Not yet she isn't" whisper Ritsuko
"But the punch and eggnog are non alcoholic" said Draven staring at Misato
"She brought her own" replied Ritsuko
"Damn right" said Misato, reaching into a plastic bag she was carrying and pulled out a beer can
"Whats a party without booze?"
"Dammit Misato" said Ritsuko taking the beer from her friend before she could open it.
"HEY" said Misato her voice suddenly serious "I though you knew the rule. Do. Not. Touch. My. Beer.!"
"Shinji could you get rid of this for me?" Ritsuko asked handing the bag to Shinji
"Shinji," Misato said Sternly "Give me my beer. That's an order"
"You're in no position to give orders Misato" countered Ritsuko
"Shinji" Misato said again "If you don't hand over the beer I can make you life miserable Like locking you outside without any clothes on miserable"
"Y-you wouldn't" said Shinji
"Try me' answered Misato
"I'm sure Erica would love that" muttered Draven grinning
A glare from Rei wiped the grin off his face.
Before Shinji could react an alarm blared through NERV
"Intruder alarm!" said Ritsuko
"Great what perfect timing" said Misato her drunkenness wiped away.
"All pilots follow me!" she ordered
Else Where in NERV
NERV security was fighting a losing battle. A man dressed as Santa had entered the base. No matter what Security did they couldn't even slow the man down.. Santa threw men aside like rag dolls, bullets seem to have no effect as he mowed through them.
Commander Ikari watched events unfold.
"So powerful" he said "He will be an asset to me"
Ikari checked his watched everything was proceeding right on time. Now he just needed those idiot boys to play their part.
Misato led the teens to a safe zone, or at least she was trying to. The huge layout and the few beers she had managed to drink weren't making this easy.
A few wrong turns they found themselves near the elevator down to Commander Ikari's Office.
"Great. Now where?" said Misato trying to get her bearings.
"Shinji" Draven whispered "Do you have your beam katana on you?"
Shinji nodded.
The beam katana a taser bladed weapon both boys used. Draven had brought them from the U.S. He had given one to Shinji, they used practice drills and sparring as a from of exercise. After the Chainsaw Man incident, where a chainsaw wielding psychopath had attacked Asuka, the boys now carried the swords as a from of personal protection.
The could hear shouts and sounds of fighting nearby.
"We need to get moving" said Misato looking around. "This way" she pointed to a door to their left opposite from where the shouts and gunfire had come from..
They were half way to the door, when the one behind them burst open.
Instinctively Misato drew her weapon pushed herself in front of the teens as the boys drew their beam katanas.
For a moment he only sounds was the buzz of the boys weapons. Then he appeared . It was the strangest thing Shinji had ever seen. A beast like he had never seen before pulling a sleigh. In that sleigh was a huge man with a white beard, dressed in red and white.
"Good" said Commander Ikari watching events from his desk. He checked his watch "Just stall him a bit longer, my plan will succeed, and I won't need you two anymore"
"Freeze" ordered Misato
There was a blur of motion from the man. Misato readied her gun
"I'd check that before you fire" taunted the man.
Misato glanced at her gun, and was stunned to see a candy cane was sticking out the barrel.
"Not quiet were I'd like to put my candy cane but it'll do" said the man.
There was a another blur of motion, Misato dropped her gun as pain shot through her hand. Blood trickled from a cut near her right thumb. She heard Asuka gasp behind her. Turning Misato saw a second candy cane now embedded in the floor behind her.
"Misato get out of here' said Shinji and he and Draven stepped forward their weapons ready
The men stepped down from his sleigh. He was easily six foot ,muscular with a white bead and bald head,
"Where's Conan when you really need him?" asked Draven
"Ah yes" said the large man "I was hoping to meet you four."
"Who the hell are you?" asked Draven
"Oh come on, you idiots can't tell by my outfit?" sneered the man
"You expect us to believe you're Santa Claus?" said Asuka "He's not real!"
The man gave a wicked laugh and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket.
"Maybe this will convince you" he read from the paper
"Dear Santa. This year I wold like a remote controlled car and a Kamen Rider Blade belt."
The man glanced back at the boys. Draven had paled
The man continued "Now I don't know what the hell a Kamen Rider is, but this is the part I got a laugh out of. 'Could you also bring a laid for my brother? I heard from some people he needs one' You asked Santa to get your brother laid, that takes some balls"
"Pervert!" said Asuka .
"I was four!" said Draven defensively "How was I supposed to know what 'laid' meant?"
He turned back to the man "How the hell did you get that letter?"
"You mailed it to me genius, you and all the other snot nosed little kids who think Santa's some jolly old elf." replied the man
"So why aren't you?" asked Misato
"I only do that present thing because I lost a bet." answered Santa "Since you humans have started your little war with the Angels I've gotten to take a vacation from it."
"Then why are you here?" asked Rei
"Some one here's been very naughty" said Santa
Reflexively the teens glanced at Misato.
"HEY!" said Misato when she saw the stares
"Not her you nitwits" said Santa "Some one here is a thief. I want what's mine, and I've allowed to reclaimed it tonight as long as I only kill the thief."
The boys gripped their weapons tightly "We're not about to let you have your way." said Shinji
The man smiled a wicked smile "You boys have guts staring me down, I respect that. You've been killing angels, I like that. So you get out of my way so I can get my Book of Claus and I'll leave your little base."
"Book of Claus?" asked Draven "I was expecting some thing like Necroclausicon"
"Funny" Santa replied dryly "Like I haven't heard that one before
"Who has your book?" asked Misato cutting in.
"Naughty little punk named Gendo."
A chill stole over the teens
"Wait" Shinji said "So basically you expect us to step aside so you can kill my father, and take your book back?"
"Yeah pretty much" replied Santa, pulling a battle axe from his sleigh
Shinji turned to Draven and nodded.
"OK" said Shinji shutting off his weapon He pointed to the elevator "Take that elevator straight down, big office, you can't miss it."
"Nope" said Draven turning off his own weapon.
"Damn you boy" said Commander Ikari angrily
"Come on Misato we need to get your hand looked at" said Draven
"But, But" stammered Misato
"My Dad's a big boy he can handle himself" said Shinji leading Rei away from Santa.
Draven lead Asuka and Misato towards the Medical wing, Shinji paused a moment.
He reached into the bag Ritsuko had given him and pulled a can out. He tossed it to Santa
"Merry Christmas" Shinji said before leaving to join his friends.
Santa examined the can which read Yebisu beer
" Heh" he muttered " I like those kids."
Santa found Gendo Ikari in his office standing next to the desk
"You're been a naughty boy Gendo" growled Santa gripping his axe.
Much to Santa's surprised Gendo smiled "One might see it like that. I prefer to say I was doing what was needed.". Gendo glanced at his watched and his a cold smile crossed his face "Now you're going to help me in my plans"
"You must have drunk too much egg nog. The only thing I'm here to do.." started Santa
"Is kill me and take this book" finished Gendo holding up The Book of Claus
"I'm afraid that's not going to happen. You should have paid more attention to the time. Christmas is over at the North Pole, your powers are gone. All I need to do is recite a spell in this book and you are my servant"
Santa began to laugh "You little idiots are all the same. The North Pole is where all time zones converge. Meaning Christmas isn't over till I say it's over."
Gendo smile quickly vanquished from his face. He reached for his gun, but Santa was much quicker. In one smooth fluid motion Santa's axe sliced through Gendo Ikari's neck. The vile man's head bounced across the floor. Santa scooped up the head and his book before returning to his sleigh. Then with a shout and a yell off he flew like a bat out of hell.
Misato woke up with a gasp. She looked around panicked. Slowly she remember, she wasn't at NERV, there was no evil Viking Santa. Her and the pilots had their own little Christmas Eve party.
They must have all passed out in the living room. Misato saw Rei sleeping in a chair. She smirked as she saw Draven sleeping on the couch, and Asuka apparently decided he would make a good pillow.
She didn't see Shinji till she looked down. The young man was sleeping peacefully with his head in her lap. How he had gotten there Misato did not remember, maybe spiking the punch was a bad idea.
Misato leaned back, hoping to fall asleep again. She saw PenPen out of his fridge and looking out the window. What was that stupid bird looking at? A moment later it didn't matter Misato had fallen asleep again..
Far from a stupid bird PenPen had been the only one to see the man. A noise had woken him and he left his fridge to check. All the human were asleep except for a man PenPen had never seen before. He was dressed in red and white, with kind eyes, and a cheery smile. Trying to be courteous PenPen had offered the man a fish left over from dinner. The man gave a deep laugh but refused the fish. He looked at the sleeping humans Had anyone been listening they would have heard his whisper
"So young, doing so much." there was sadness in his voice "trying so hard."
The man's gloved hand touched Misato's forehead "I cannot grant your wish, if only I could" he said
The man set about his work. The small stack of presents under their small tree grew a little larger
He gave PenPen a wink then vanished. PenPen stared out the window. In front of the moon he could see the silhouette of a sleigh being pulled by a team of animals Had PenPen been able to fully understand human language he would have heard the man say as he faded from sight "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Night!"