Dean is laying on the bed, half a dozen novels strewn around him. He is reading one intently, frowning in awe or maybe confusion.
"This is frickin' insane," he says, his voice dropping.
"How's this guy know all this stuff?" He asks Sam. Its a rhetorical question really, since he knows Sam has no answers either.
"You got me," Sam says. He is sitting at the table across the room, reading off of his laptop, the frown on his face mimicking Dean's.
"Everything is in here... I mean everything... from the racist truck to me having sex. I'm full frontal in here, dude." Dean says, glancing behind him at his brother. Sam nods. The whole thing is just so strange.
"How come we haven't heard of them before?" Dean asks, standing up and walking over to the table.
"They're pretty obscure," Sam answers matter-of-factly, "They've had almost zero circulation.. uh.. They started in '05.. Managed to put out a couple dozen before going bankrupt. And uh, the last one.. 'No Rest for the Wicked' ends with you going to hell." He says, spinning the laptop toward Dean. Dean shakes his head.
"I reiterate: Frickin insane," He says.
"Oh, check it out.. There's actually fans. There's not many of them, but still.. Did you read this?" he asks.
"Yep," Sam says.
"Although for fans, they sure do complain a lot. Listen to this: Sympatico says 'The demon story line is trite, cliched and overall craptastic.' Yeah, well, screw you Sympatico, we lived it." Dean says
"Yeah well..." Sam laughs, "Keep on reading. It gets better."
"There's Sam girls and Dean girls," Dean reads aloud, smiling. "And.. What's a slash fan?"
"As in.. Sam slash Dean. Together." Sam says. The idea is just too weird, it creeps him out, and he makes face as he says it.
"Like... Together together?" Dean asks, looking at Sam. His smile is replaced with wide eyes.
"Yeah." He replies.
"They do know we're brothers, right?"
"Doesn't seem to matter."
"Oh come on! That's just sick.." Dean says, closing the lid of the laptop and pushing it away.
Sam doesn't think much of it after that.
That night
The motel room is too hot. He's tossing and turning and the sheets are sticking to him like car leather. He wonders if he has a fever, but delirious with exhaustion, he just rolls over, drifting in and out of sleep. Suddenly, he feels cool and comfortable, and he feels a soft hand running down his stomach. Its pleasant, and it calms him. He opens his eyes to see Dean's face hovering above his. Its so comfortable, so familiar. He smiles. "Hey Dean..." He says sleepily.
"Hey," Dean replies, his voice low and gruff. He lowers himself down, pressing his lips to Sam's. Sam doesn't protest, he just parts his lips, willing. He lets Dean's hot tongue invade him, tasting the inside of his mouth. Sam brings one of his hands up, holding on to the back of Dean's head as they kiss. He can feel himself getting hard inside his underwear, straining.. throbbing. Then suddenly, without warning, Dean is pulling off Sam's underwear. He looks down and he sees Dean, lowering his mouth down onto Sam's cock. He feels like he's going to explode... and then...
He wakes, heart pounding. The sheets are sweaty again, sticking to him. His penis is throbbing and hard in his underwear.
"What the... fuck.." He whispers. He wipes the sweat off of his forehead, rising out of the bed and heading in to the bathroom.
What the hell was that? He wonders. He feels a strange sensation in his stomach, almost like butterflies. He feels horrified and embarrassed, but also.. excited.
Sam doesn't really think about sex very much. Its not that he doesn't like it, its just that it isn't a priority for him. He doesn't masturbate very often, and he doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about sex... especially not with men. Its not that Sam is a homophobe. In fact, he's found himself attracted to other men occasionally. Once in high school, and another time at Stanford. But it was just a kiss here and a squeeze there, he had been drunk, and he never really thought much of it. But mostly, Sam just likes women. He likes their long, good smelling hair, and the soft little noises they make when he kisses their necks. He likes how they feel so small and fragile, and he likes to touch them so gently, all the while knowing he could easily break them.
He has never fantasized about men before.. and certainly not his own.. Dean was his brother. He imagines the sickened look on Dean's face if he knew what had just happened, and the idea makes his stomach jump.
He waits in the bathroom until his erection goes away, and then crawls back under his covers, trying to fall asleep.
Three days later
"You want to get some lunch?" Dean asks.
"We could find a place that has nice salads," he teases.
"Sam?"
Sam can't understand a word Dean is saying. All he can do is stare, and all he can see is Dean's lips wrapping around his cock. He is getting painfully hard.
"Sammy? Are you okay?"
"Yeah.. Yeah, no, I'm fine. Salad sounds fine," He says, his stomach welling up will guilt and shame. He squirms, trying to hide his hard on from Dean.
"Okay... Are you sure you're alright, Sammy? You've been acting way off lately."
"Yes Dean, I said I'm fine," He snaps.
"Alright.. Salad it is, then."
The restaurant looks nice, and Sam is hungry, but when they arrive Sam lets Dean get a table and goes directly to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back," He says.
"Sure thing.." Dean replies.
It's been an hour since they decided to stop, and Sam's hard on still hasn't gone away. He had just been staring out of the window, trying to think of the least attractive thing he could. The problem was, a few days ago, the least attractive thing he could think of was Dean naked, and now that image was making him leak. He goes in to the stall and presses his head against the cool metal siding.
"fuck.." he whispers out loud. "what the fuck.. this is so fucked up."
Finally, after standing there motionless for a while and trying to will away his erection, he gives in and lets his hand trail down to grip himself. He tries to do it fast.. to just get it over with. And he tries his hardest not to think about Dean. But as he jerks himself off, it is all he can think of. Just that image from his dream.. The feeling of Dean's warm lips, sucking him off.
"Fuck..." He whispers softly, jerking himself, hard. And then he comes all over his stomach.
"You sure you're feeling okay, Sammy?" Dean asks, mouth full of burger.
"You were in there for like twenty minutes.."
"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam says. He smiles half-heartedly, and sits down to eat his salad.
"So, did you find anything in the paper?" He asks.
"Nah.." Dean says, "Its all rainbows and kittens today."
"hmm." Sam nods. He wishes they could just catch a case so he could get his mind of all of this.
"Listen, I'm going to go for a beer run, why don't you keep looking for something in the area?" Dean says, rising from the bed and striding toward the door.
"Yeah, sure," Sam replies.
"You want anything?" Dean asks. Sam looks up at him, catches his eyes for the first time in days and feels his heart quicken.
"um.. no, I'm good, thanks." He smiles.
"Okay." Dean says, oblivious, and he leaves.
Sam tries to focus on research. Demons, ghosts and monsters. This shit, he can handle.
That night, Dean drinks too much beer.
"How about we hit up a local establishment, huh Sammy? Meet some lay-dies," Dean says, dragging out the word and making his ridiculous sexy face.
Sam laughs. He's had a few himself, so he feels relaxed. But he knows better than to go anywhere with drunk Dean.
"I think you've had just about enough there, buddy," He says, taking the beer out of Dean's hand before he spills it. Dean frowns.
"Maaaan," he starts. "You never wanna be my wingman... You're so.. frigid," he says, pouting.
Sam rolls his eyes, laughing internally at the irony.
"I am not frigid," he says.
"Yeah? When's the last time you got laid?" He's slurring his words and he pokes Sam in the chest exaggeratedly. Sam sighs.
"Yeah, okay.. I think its bedtime."
"I'm serious Sam, you need to chill out, have some fun sometimes. How long has it been?" The question is unexpectedly serious, and Sam looks at Dean, surprised. He actually wants an answer.
"I don't know Dean.. A while, okay? You're with me all the damn time, you know how long its been. What do you want from me?" Sam says, getting angry.
"Jeez... No need to get your panties in a knot," Dean says, back to his drunken self. he turns away and collapses down on the bed, unbuttoning his jeans. He struggles to pull them off, yanking off his underwear at the same time.
"Jesus," Sam says under his breath, looking away.
"What? You never seen a naked man before?" Dean retorts, shaking his hips jokingly. Sam feels himself getting hard, and turns away.
"Just.. go to sleep, Dean," he says, walking awkwardly to the bathroom.
He feels frustrated and angry at himself. He wishes these strange feelings would just stop and things could go back to normal. But he's throbbing and he wants to get it out of his head so he takes a shower, leaning against the wall and letting the hot water wash over him as he rubs himself. He thinks about pushing stupid, drunk Dean down on his knees, holding the back of his head and pulling it in as he fucks his mouth. He comes, imagining it spurting down dean's throat.
When he comes back out, Dean is asleep.
Jerking off in bathrooms becomes a regular thing. Being around Dean is impossible now. He's always hard, always needing release. Its frustrating and humiliating, and it lasts for months. Sam sneaks off whenever he has a moment, sometimes two or three times a day to masturbate, never letting himself moan Dean's name out loud. The fantasies get more intense, too. Its not just Dean sucking him any more. He imagines the feeling of Dean's cock in his mouth, the taste of his come filling his mouth. He imagines being on his knees, his hands grabbing Dean's ass and pulling him in close, pushing his cock deeper into Sam's throat. He imagines Dean on top of him, the way it feels when Dean's penis rubs on his as they kiss. He tries so hard to resist it, but.. eventually he starts to imagine the feeling of Dean licking him, fingering him.. and pushing inside his ass. Its his greatest fear that Dean will find out. He would think he was sick. He would hate him.
Dean knows there's something up. Sam keeps snapping at him, acting like its Dean's fault that he wants these things. He knows its not... But if he's not angry at Dean then he might not be able to stop himself from grabbing him, holding him close and telling him the whole sick, dirty truth. Dean keeps giving him these longing looks.
"You can talk to me, you know..."
"Whatever is up with you, man.. Maybe I can help..."
"You're the one who always wants to do the whole share and care thing... Why wont you talk to me?"
"Did I do something to piss you off?"
The fact that he's putting Dean through so much makes the guilt even worse.
One night, he finally decides. Maybe he can fix this. He does his research thoroughly. He finds a good company that's discreet. Their employees are clean and their customer service is good. They provide "escorts." He makes the request on a saturday. He waits until Dean is passed out, and sneaks out of the motel room. He takes the impala, heads to a different motel. He checks in, his stomach twisting with nervousness. The guy is on time, and knocks politely on the door. He's tall, but not as tall as Sam, with short dark hair, freckles and green eyes, just like Sam had asked for.
"Hey, Im-" The guy started.
"Sorry," Sam interrupts. "Look, I know this is weird but.. is.. uh.. is it okay if I just call you.. Dean?" He can barely look the guy in the eye as he says it, tripping over his words.
"Yeah sure." The guy said. His voice was low but gentle.
"Who's Dean, if you don't mind my asking?"
Sam thought about lying, but figured... what the hell..
"He's uh... He's my brother." He says, swallowing hard.
"Oh..." The guy looks down, and then back up at Sam. The look in his eyes is hard to place. Its almost.. pity?
"Anything else, baby?" He asks.
"Yeah... Just one thing. Could you call me... um.. Sammy?"
"Of course, Sammy.. What else would I call you?" He grins.
Sam isn't sure how this is supposed to go. He sits down on the bed awkwardly, but the guy seems to understand that he's nervous. He takes Sam's hand, stroking it softly, and leans in to kiss him. His mouth is hot and warm. He tastes a little acrid.. Different then what Sam imagines Dean would taste like, but he puts it out of his mind. Sam brings his hand up to the guy's face, feeling his strong, square jaw. Its feels strange but he likes it.. Likes the roughness of his stubbled skin. Suddenly, the guy is rubbing his cock through his Jeans and it makes him so hard he can't stand it. He unbuttons Sam's Jeans and whispers,
"Do you want me to take them off, Sammy?"
"Yeah.." Sam says, still awkward.
"Here we go," fake-Dean says as he pulls down Sam's pants. He pulls down Sam's underwear, too, releasing his thick swollen cock.
"mmmm..." fake-Dean moans, "Do you want me to suck you, Sammy?" He asks.
Sam lays back with his eyes closed, and he imagines it in Dean's voice, causing his heart to race.
"Yeah, Dean," he says.
Suddenly, he feels the hot, thick warmth of a mouth around his cock.. Something he hasn't felt in far too long. He can feel him squeezing, licking, soaking his cock in spit. The feeling is familiar and delicious, and he imagines Dean's beautiful lips moving up and down around him. Then, he feels the soft licks moving down, teasing his balls and making him squirm. He takes each one into his mouth, sucking it, caressing it with his tongue. Sam feels a hand wrap around his dick as the licks move lower, teasing his perenium and then finally landing on his tight, puckered hole. He squirms, the feeling unfamiliar to him.
"Do you want me to lick you, Sammy?"
"yes..."
"Tell me."
"Dean.. I... want you to."
"Want me to what, Sammy?"
"I want you to .. lick me. I.. I want you to get me ready for your cock." Sam says. His stomach squirms in embarrassment as he says the words. But the shame makes him even harder.
He starts licking his hole, pushing his tongue flat against it at first, and then inside.
"Do you like it when I tongue-fuck you, Sammy? When I lick open your little boy-pussy?"
"Fuck, yes... Dean..." Sam says. His name is a throaty groan, like a forbidden word that feels so good to say out loud.
The next thing sam knows he's on his knees, face pushed down into the bed. His hands are clutching his ass, spreading himself open while fake-Dean licks him.
"This is your first time, isn't it Sammy?"
"Yeah.. how did you..?"
"mmm... You're just so tight.. Never had a cock in you before. You're going to like it, Sammy. Its going to feel so good."
Sam can't bring himself to form words.. Only whimpers escape him as he feels the head against him, gently pushing inside.
He feels hot breath on his neck as it pushes deeper, fake-Dean leaning in and whispering,"Is that okay, Sammy?"
"Yeah... it... it feels so good."
"Do you want me to move, Sammy?"
"Yes.. Please.."
The first few strokes are slow and painstaking, but gradually he picks up pace, and soon Sam is groaning, writhing underneath him, feeling him deep inside. The feeling is incredible. It is something Sam had never imagined he would want or enjoy, and yet he feels dizzy with pleasure, like the room is spinning around him.
"Dean.. I.. I'm going to.." He says nervously.
He can feel himself getting close, nearing the edge too quickly.
"Its okay, Sammy... Come for me."
He leans in close to Sam's ear and whispers to him,
"Come with your brother inside you..." its so quiet that Sam almost doesn't hear him, like he knows this is his dirtiest, most private secret.
Sam can't stand it any more.
"Dean.." he whines.
"Dean!" he's groaning it over and over as he comes.
Sam is glad that the room is dark as he collapses on to the bed, so he doesn't have to look the guy in the eye. With the heat of his arousal gone, It all floods in to him. The things he just said, the things he just did. He feels sick to his stomach.
"S-sorry.." he says. He doesn't think about it. He just needs to apologize. Its all so wrong.
"Hey, hey.." fake-Dean says, putting his arm around Sam.
"You don't need to be sorry. Its all good, Sammy.. You're safe here."
Sam takes a deep breath. Hearing that name soothes him, and he nuzzles himself into fake-Dean's chest, fighting back tears. After a while, he pays the guy and leaves.
He tries to give him double, but the guy wont take it.
"Save it for next time, Sammy," He says.
Sam hopes there wont be a next time.
After that, he thinks its over. He feels like he got it all out of his system, and things are going back to normal. Things between him and Dean feel okay. But it isn't long before the need comes back..
He checks back in to the motel a week later.
The second time is easier. He lets himself go a bit more, lets himself fall deeper into his fantasies.
It gets easier each time. He feels more comfortable, safer... and the guilt afterward isn't as bad.
The first time, Dean didn't think too much of it. He heard Sam get up, the door closing softly behind him, and the dull roar of the impala starting up. He thought maybe Sam just needed some air, or.. Maybe he was meeting a chick? Sam rolled in almost three hours later, collapsed and fell immediately to sleep. But this is the fifth time, and Dean is starting to get suspicious. Maybe something is up. Maybe Sam is in trouble.
"Anything you want to tell me about, Sam?" Dean asks in the morning.
"Huh?" Sam looks confused. "uh.. no?"
"You sure there's nothing you want to share?"
"What? No, man, I'm good," Sam says. He seems cheerful. What is he keeping from Dean? He's been so moody lately. Something must be up.
The next time Sam sneaks out, Dean waits for the door to shut, and then he follows him. he hot wires a car on the other side of the parking lot, tailing the impala all the way to a seedy pay-by-the-hour motel across town.
"What the hell..." Dean says out loud, watching Sam get out of the car and walk in to the office. He looks at the clock. 2:25 am. What the hell is Sam doing at some random motel at two in the morning? He can see Sam through the window, talking to the clerk in the well-lit office. He pays him in cash, and takes a key. Dean watches intently as Sam strides across the parking lot towards a door. He unlocks the door to room 11, and closes the door behind him. About five minutes later, a guy Dean doesn't recognize pulls in, and strides up to number 11. He knocks once, and Dean sees Sam open the door. His face looks nervous... strained.
"Hey," is all he says, and he closes the door behind him. It seems like Sam knows the guy.
"This is frickin' weird," Dean says, still watching intently. Then, nothing happens. After a while, Dean starts to drift off, just waiting. He was never very good at steak-outs.
What the hell are they doing in there? Dean wonders, before he falls asleep. He's jolted awake by the sound of the guy's car door slamming closed. Sam walks over to the office and returns the key. Dean looks at the clock sleepily. 4:15 am. He realizes suddenly if he isn't in bed when Sam gets back he'll wonder where he is.
"Shit..." He whispers. He starts up the car and races back, running in to the room and throwing himself under the covers. Sam comes in a few minutes later. Dean watches him. He unbuttons his jeans, letting them fall to the floor sleepily, and pulls his shirt up over his head. His hair is messy and he looks sweaty. He falls asleep in minutes.
Dean can't get the whole thing out of his head. He thinks about confronting Sam, just asking him straight out. But if Sam is keeping this from him, there's no guarantee he'll even tell him the truth. He'll probably stop going out at night and then Dean might never get any answers. He'll need to follow him again, maybe follow the guy he's meeting. Rough him up a bit, find out what's going on.
Four nights pass before Sam sneaks out again. Same quiet little footsteps, same gentle closing of the door. Dean has to hand it to him, Sam is quiet for such a big guy. But he's an idiot if he thinks Dean wouldn't notice this. Dean follows him to the same motel. Same cash, same key, same room 11, same guy knocks. Even the same time, 2:30 am.
Dean waits in the car, just watching the door for the first hour, but after that he can't help himself. He needs to know what's going on. Maybe he'll be able to hear something.. hear them talking. He grabs his gun from the trunk, just in case, and walks across the parking lot. He tries to see in the window, but the black-out curtain makes that impossible. He presses his head to the door. He doesn't hear anything. No talking, no TV on. Maybe the walls are pretty sound proof. Then out of no where, he hears Sam's voice:
"Dean!" It sounds strangled, pained, like he's gasping for air. Instinct kicks in... He knows Sam is in trouble, he's yelling for help. He stands back and kicks in the door. He's expecting... well, he doesn't know what he's expecting really. A demon deal gone bad? Sam using his weird psychic powers? He doesn't know what he's expecting, but it sure as hell isn't this. Sam is completely naked, on top of the guy, moving up and down, groaning and touching himself as he rides him. His eyes are closed. He's yelling - no, moaning, Dean realizes - "Dean!" and then he comes, spurting all over himself. Dean's mouth falls open.
"I think you should ride me this time, Sammy" fake-Dean says to him, his voice muffled by the sound of him licking Sam open.
"Ahh..." He moans, the hot sensation of the tongue inside him. They shift around, fake-Dean laying flat with his feet toward the headboard. Sam climbs on top. He kisses fake-Dean, enjoying the taste of him. Sam grinds against his body, rubbing their penises together and groaning. Sam is so hard and throbbing.. he's given up resisting, accepted that this is just his filthy, dirty little secret.. accepted that he likes to feel his penis rub against the hard, muscled stomach of another man. He likes to feel stubble against his face and their balls slapping together as rides a hard cock, pushes it deeper in his hole. And he's accepted that he likes to pretend it's his brother... Likes to imagine its Dean's stomach... Dean's stubble... Dean's cock. He groans Dean's name softly, over and over, rubbing himself off as he fucks himself on that big hard cock.
Sam is bouncing up and down, rubbing himself, whispering softly,
"fuck, yes, Dean.."
"You like my cock Sammy?" fake-Dean whispers.
"yes..."
"You like riding your brothers big cock?"
"Yes... Ahhh..."
"Dean, I'm gonna come... Dean.. I..."
"Dean!" Sam yells. Its a loud, strangled groan, filled with pain and ecstasy all at once. He feels as though he is about to explode.
"Dean!" He screams again, and he's coming, thick hot spurts of come erupting from him, spraying his bare stomach and chest. As its happening, he hears a noise, a loud bang, and movement near the door. He stares ahead, drunk with sex and confused, and then... clear. Dean is standing there, at the door, gun in hand. Real Dean. His eyes are wide with confusion and fear. Their eyes meet for a moment, and lock. Sam's panic-stricken, Dean's shocked.
"Jesus.." Dean says, looking away. "Jesus fucking christ..."
He turns around and walks out, closing the door behind him... so shocked he doesn't even know where he's going. He had never once considered Sam was here hooking up with the guy. In retrospect it was obvious. The seedy motel.. Always 2:30, always for two hours. He's not angry, he's just.. confused, and he needs to get out of there. The next thing he knows, he's in the driver's seat of the Impala. He feels awful for seeing Sam like that... he knows he walked in to something mortifyingly private, something he was never meant to see.
Sam feels every wall breaking inside of him.. every dam he's ever built to hold himself together is breaking, and he's drowning, and drowning fast. He pulls himself off of fake-Dean, tears welling up in his eyes. He fights them, and all he can muster is,
"I'm sorry."
Fake-Dean looks at him with gentle eyes.
"Hey, Sam, its alright," He says. Sam just purses his lips and shakes his head.
"Let's get you cleaned up, okay? And you can talk this over with.. I assume that was Dean?"
"Yeah.. That was..." Sam chokes on his words.
"Not much for privacy is he?" fake-Dean tries to make him laugh, but Sam can barely muster a smile.
"Hey, look Sam... He's your brother, right? And you love him?"
Sam nods.
"And he loves you too, right?"
Sam nods again.
"Well, he may not understand this, you know. He's probably freaked out, but.. If he loves you, man, you'll figure it out."
"Yeah.. Thanks.." Sam says half-heartedly.
"What's your name?" He asks. He'd been so caught up in his own fantasy that he never stopped to think about the fact that he had his own desires... his own feelings.
"Its Joshua," He smiles.
"Joshua..." Sam stands up, still naked and come-soaked, and pulls Joshua in close, kissing him softly. He lets his tongue slip into Joshua's mouth, exploring him, really tasting him for the first time.
"Thank you.. For.. for everything. This.. All of this.. It meant a lot to me. It was incredible." He says. Joshua nods, taking Sam's hand.
"Of course, Sam." He says. Sam walks over to his discarded jeans, taking the money out of his pocket.
"Here," Sam says, placing it in Joshua's hand.
"And really... Thank you."
Joshua smiles, taking the money and starting to get dressed. Sam walks over to the bathroom, closing the door. They both know this is the last time.
When Sam finally emerges into the parking lot, he expects Dean to be long gone. He wonders if maybe he should find somewhere else to stay.. Dean probably doesn't want to see him. When he gets to the car he's startled. There's Dean, sitting in the driver's seat. Sam pauses, then walks around to the passenger side and gets in. Neither of them say anything at first. They just sit there in the most awful silence. And then..
"Sam.." Dean says.
"Sam, I..."
"Just don't, okay? Just leave it alone..." Sam says. The anger on his face is a thin veil atop all the shame underneath.
"Were not going to talk about this?" Dean says, looking bewildered.
"You want to talk about this, Dean? Why would we talk about it?"
"Sammy... You've been acting all manner of weird lately, man... You're moody, you're angry, you're spending all this time running off to the washroom.. you're sneaking out in the middle of the night. And Sam.. I just walked in on my straight, frigid brother riding around on who I can only assume is a gay prostitute in a seedy ass motel. You're damn right I wanna talk about it!" Dean growls.
Sam's face turns red and his heart races.
"Fine, Dean.. I'm gay, I guess, I don't know what you want me to say, man.."
"No, Sammy... I don't.." Dean struggles for words.
"I don't care if you like guys, man, that's... that's your private business, its just.. You've always been with girls before and... Why all the other stuff? Why are you so moody, and why hide this from me? Why are you sneaking around, and why are you paying for it, man?" Dean sounds genuinely confused and hurt, and Sam can't stand it.
"Why the hell would you bust in on me like that? And why the hell were you following me in the god damn first place?" He yells back, clenching his jaw.
"You were sneaking out in the middle of the night.. what is this, like... the seventh? eighth time? I thought something was wrong, Sam... I busted in because... Sam, you..." Dean trails off, his eyes going dark.
"Sammy, I thought you were in trouble. You said my name."
Its happening. Sam's literal worst nightmare is coming true. The last bit of denial leaves him, and he figures.. what's the point? He nods slowly.
"Yeah.." He says, shaking his head. Its quiet, soft. He slouches forward, leaning his forehead on his hand.
"Yeah? What..." Dean sounds frustrated, "What do you mean, yeah?"
Sam swallows, hard.
"I.. think about... you." He says. He is certain he will throw up.
"When you...?"
"Yeah."
Dean is quiet for a minute.
"Jesus.."
"How long has this been going on for, Sammy?"
"A few months."
"with uh.. guys or... me?"
"both."
Dean nods, his expression incomprehensible. Sam panics, worried he might lose Dean forever.
"Dean.. I... I know its fucked up.. I.. I had a dream about it, right after we read about it, remember? Sam slash Dean? And I just... I couldn't get it out of my head. I know its sick man, its so wrong, I'm so sorry..." Sam's voice is hoarse.
"I never wanted you to find out, you know.. I just.."
"It's alright, Sam.." Dean says. The interruption startles him.
"What?" Sam asks.
"I mean, yeah... Its.. its weird as hell. But you're not sick, Sammy. I'm sorry I busted in on you like that. What you do, or who you think about, that's.. that's private." Dean says.
Sam can't believe what he's hearing.
"Seriously?" He says. He's almost angry. How could Dean possibly think this was okay?
"Well.. yeah, I mean... its your business."
"Dean, this.. this isn't normal. There's something wrong with me. You said it yourself that it was sick."
"Ahh, Sam, I didn't mean it like that. I mean its weird to think about a bunch of little girls imagining us doing the do, you know? But there's nothing wrong with you, man.. you're just ... exploring. Its a little weird, I have to say, but..." Dean shrugs.
"Dean, I don't think you get it. I think about you when I masturbate... I imagine you sucking me off... me sucking you off... the taste of your come in my mouth... All that time I've been spending ... running off to the bathroom... I've been masturbating.. imagining you inside me, Dean. That guy, his name is Joshua, but I only found that out tonight because the first time I met him, I asked him if I could just call him Dean and I made him call me Sammy. I moan your name while he fucks me, and I love every minute of it. I get hard just from looking at you, Dean. Nothing about any of this is even remotely okay." Sam says. He's breathless, can't believe he's saying any of these things.
"I get it.. Sam.. I do, and I'm flattered, really," He laughs.
"Man, there's been enough sadness and hurt in our lives... in your life.. If this makes you feel good, Sam, I'm good with it."
Sam just stares at him, a look of utter confusion crossing his face. This is not the reaction he was expecting at all.
"huh.." He says, sitting back.
"So that's it, then?"
"Well, yeah.." Dean says. "I mean, I don't think I really... reciprocate your feelings. I uh.. never really even considered it. Im not really into guys... you know. But fantasies are harmless.. and private. So how about we just try to forget about this?"
"Yeah... Uh.. Okay." Sam says, still bewildered.
"good." Dean says, switching on the radio and starting the impala. She comes to life with a low roar, and they're back at the motel in no time.
The next few days are the best Sam has felt in a long time. He's relaxed, the frustration dissipated after his night with Joshua. He still feels embarrassed when he thinks about Dean knowing, but the guilt is mostly gone now, since Dean essentially gave him permission to fantasize about him. Everything is mostly back to normal, and he feels like he can put it all in its place. He can let it just be a passing fantasy.
"You want a drink, Sammy?" Dean asks him, breaking his concentration on the lore book he's reading. Dean's on his fourth whiskey already, Sam just finished his first.
"Uh.. yeah, sure." He says.
"This is nice..." Dean says, pouring Sam's drink and topping up his own, "You know... Just you and me, hanging out, reading lore."
"Yeah," Sam says. Drunk Dean is such a weirdo.
"here," Dean says, handing Sam his drink. He lays back on the bed, kicking his shoes off. He's quiet for a while, and Sam goes back to reading.
"Am I always.. On top?" Dean asks, out of nowhere.
"What?" Sam says, not following.
"The other night, you know... You said you 'imagine me inside you.'" He's relaxed, drunk. The words are way too calm.
"Uh.. I thought we agreed we were going to forget about this?"
"Yeah, sure..." Dean says.
"I'm just curious, though. You, know.. I'm in these fantasies, I thought maybe I could hear a little about them." He laughs.
Sam feels uncomfortable, embarrassed.
"Uh... I guess. Yeah, you are.. usually." He says, trying to be nonchalant.
"Why?" Dean asks, like its a perfectly normal question.
"What? What do you mean 'why?'"
"I dunno... why? Why am I the one on top?" Dean's giggling, and it makes Sam feel like an idiot.
"I don't know, Dean.. I don't control it, it's just what pops in my head. Maybe its cause you're older or something... or maybe its because I can't imagine you.. like that."
"hmmm.." Dean says, thoughtfully. He's quiet for a while again, and Sam can't believe this conversation is happening.
"How does it feel?" Dean asks, after a while.
"What?"
"With Joshua... Is it a lot different from being with a girl?"
Sam sighs. He gets up and walks over to the table. He needs another drink to have this conversation. He pours himself a drink, downs it, and pours another.
"Yeah." he says softly.
"Its a lot different."
Dean sits up a bit in bed, looking Sam in the eyes.
"Tell me what its like...?" He says.
Sam downs the second drink too, cringing as the liquor burns his throat.
"I'm not gay, you know..." Sam says. "I like sex with women."
"I know, Sam." Dean says.
"I like the way they're small and soft and gentle..."
"But with Joshua its the opposite, you know.. he's strong.. He's tall and he's big and when he would... grab me.. it felt like he could hurt me if he wanted. I liked the way his stomach was hard and the way it felt when my... God, Dean, this is weird."
"This is weird?"
"Yes..."
"Sammy, a few days ago you told me that you paid a man to pretend he was me and fuck you." Dean says matter-of-factly.
"Jesus..." Sam says.
"Well?"
"Yeah, no, thats.. that's weird too." Sam almost laughs.
"he looked like me, didn't he?"
"mhm... " Sam says, gulping down more liquor. "I described you when they asked me who I wanted."
"Do you really want that? For me to do that to you?"
Sam feels like his lungs might burst out of his chest.
"I don't know.. Dean..."
Dean just looks at him with questioning eyes.
"Yeah.. I do." Sam says.
"Come here."
"You're not serious?" Sam says, although he finds himself walking towards Dean's bed anyway.
"Actually, yeah..." Dean says.
"Why?" Sam asks. As he gets closer, he notices Dean straining in his pants.
"I want to try it. Want to know what it feels like."
Sam feels himself getting hard, and he hopes Dean wont notice.
"Come sit," Dean says, patting the bed and moving over.
"Dean, you're drunk..." Sam says.
"So are you.." Dean laughs.
"you're hard," Dean says softly, tracing the outline of Sam's penis with his finger.
"So are you.." Sam says, shuddering.
Sam sits down beside him, leaning against the pillows. Dean places a hand on Sam's cheek, pulling his face toward him. He whispers in his ear, "tell me more about what you did with Joshua."
Sam feels shivers running down his spine, and he's throbbing, heart pounding. Is this actually happening?
"We would start by kissing... and he would rub his.. you know.. penis... against mine... and then he would usually suck me... I .. was really nervous, didn't know what to do..." Sam whispers. He closes his eyes as he says it, too embarrassed to look at Dean.
"Mhmm... Then what?" Deans voice is gravelly, and his breath is hot in Sam's ear.
"Dean.. I.."
"Its okay, Sammy, don't be embarrassed. I want to hear. Feel how hard I am.. See? Its turning me on," Dean whispers. The last part makes Sam squirm, his penis pulsing and throbbing in his pants. He finds it strange, how easily Dean accepted this, was willing to explore this.. and yet he had hated himself for months.
"Then he would... lick me. My balls and then my.. my hole."
"Did you like it Sammy? The feeling of him licking your hole?" Dean's whispers are getting softer, quieter. Sam feels Dean's hands around his waist, unbuttoning his jeans. Dean pulls them down slightly, starts gently pressing his hand on Sam's cock through his underwear.
"Yes..." Sam's voice is shaky.
"Then what?"
"He would lick it... put his tongue inside.. until I was open and ready."
"ready for his cock?" Dean pulls down Sam's underwear too, releasing his cock. Sam's cock is big... bigger than Dean's or Joshua's. Dean wraps his fingers around it, liking how thick it feels in his hand. Sam wonders if Dean's ever done this before, besides to himself.
"yes..."
"Then what, Sammy?" Dean's rubbing him up and down, a slow, soft jerk.
"Then I would... I would get on my knees, usually.. and ... I would spread myself open.. and.. he would push inside me..."
"Did you touch yourself while he fucked you?"
"Yes..."
"And what would you say, Sammy?"
"I... I would say your name." Sam is whimpering. He can't even process what is happening.
"And he called you Sammy?"
"Yes..."
"It turns you on when I call you Sammy, doesn't it?"
"Yes..."
"mmm... What about when I saw, you? You were on top.. riding him. Your cock was bouncing around, and you were rubbing it."
"Yeah... we... we did that too..."
"Did you like it?"
"yeah..."
"Did you ever fuck him?"
"Yeah... once..."
"How did it feel?"
"It was... really tight.. and warm..."
"And you pretended you were fucking me?"
"Yes, Dean... ahhh..." Sam groans.
"Did you come inside his ass?"
"Yes.." Sam pants.
"And you imagined it was mine?"
"Oh god.. Dean..." Sam doesn't think he's ever seen Dean turned on like this. Sure, he's seen him looking at dirty magazines and what not, but he's never seen this side of him.. never could have imagined him saying these things.
Dean pulls Sam in close and kisses him. He tastes like whiskey, and something else... something incredible, that Sam can't place. Dean starts unbuttoning Sam's shirt, kissing his neck and biting him gently as he pulls it off. Then, Dean pulls off his own shirt, unbuttoning his pants and pulling those off too. Sam kicks off his pants and underwear, and Dean pulls off his underwear. Sam's eyes dart to Dean's cock. Its fully hard, and it makes Sam nervous. He's never seen Dean hard like this before.
"Are you.. Dean, are you absolutely sure about this?" Sam asks. He's nervous... he feels like Dean might change his mind at any time.
Dean groans, almost frustrated.
"Don't I look sure?" He asks, pulling Sam's hand toward his cock. Sam grabs it, stroking it softly and leaning in to Dean, kissing him. And then, his nervousness breaks. He lets himself fall into it, lets himself believe its real. He pushes Dean down, climbing on top of him, grinding in to him and kissing his neck.
"Sammy..." Dean groans, feeling Sam's penis pressing against his. Sam had finally let go, finally let himself want it. It turns Dean on so much to see Sam like this. Sam is usually so calm, so controlled, and to see him sweating, groaning, swollen and hard... Sam was right, this feels so good. The way Sam's muscles are hard and flexing as he holds himself on top of Dean, the way his skin is rough with stubble that rubs on Dean's skin as he kisses him. He can feel his stomach getting wet as Sam leaks on to him.
"Sammy," He whispers.
"I want you on your hands and knees,"
"Okay.." Sam pulls himself off of Dean, getting on all fours, and lowering his head to the bed. Dean kneels behind him. He runs his hand over Sam's ass, kissing it softly. He spreads him open, his kisses getting wetter and turing to licks as he moves inward towards Sam's hole.
"What do you want me to do, Sammy?" He asks teasingly. He can tell from before that Sam likes dirty talk. The way he groans at certain words, the way he throbs.
"To... lick it.."
"Your ass hole?"
"Yes..."
"Say it, Sammy... Tell me.."
"Dean, I... want you to .. lick my hole..."
"Mmmm... like this?" Dean starts licking him, first in little circles, rimming him, and then gently pushing the tip of his tongue in.
"Yeaahhh, oh goodd..." Sam groans.
Dean grabs Sam's hands off of the bed, pulling them behind him and placing them on his ass so he's spreading himself.
"mmm, that's it Sammy," Dean moans. He's soaking Sam's hole with spit, eating out his ass. Then, he slaps Sam's ass, hard. It stings a bit and Sam cringes, but it makes him harder. He can feel himself leaking.. dripping on to the sheets. Joshua never did that to him.
"Do you like being spanked, Sammy?"
"I.. I don't know.." Sam says, "I've never been spanked before..." he almost laughs. Dean is kinky... who knew?
"Well lets find out, then"
Dean goes back to licking him, tongue-fucking him softly. He slaps Sam's ass again, this time harder, and repeatedly... slap, slap, slap, slap. Dean keeps going, smacking Sam's ass over and over and over until it starts to look red and swollen. Sam's dick throbs at each slap.
"Does your ass feel ready, Sammy?"
"mmm.. Yeah, Dean.."
Dean raises himself up so his penis is right at Sam's hole. He spits in his hand, rubbing it all over his dick, making it nice and wet. He starts by just rubbing it in between Sam's cheeks. Sam quivers each time Dean's cock slips passed his hole.
"You want it in there, Sam?"
"Yes, Dean... oh god.."
"You want me to fuck you?"
"Yes.."
Dean leans in close to Sam's ear, and whispers almost inaudibly,
"Tell your big brother you want him to fuck you,"
"I .. I want you to... fuck me, Dean.. Please.. Please fuck me,"
Dean's cock slips almost effortlessly into Sam's ass. Dean is careful not to hurt him, going slow at first. Its hard to stop himself from speeding up... Sam's ass is sucking him in, so hot and warm that its painful not to move.
"ahhh.. Sam.. I..."
"Can I... ?"
"Yeah.. You can.. harder.."
Dean picks up his pace. Sam is so tight, he's trying so hard not to come right away. He starts spanking Sam again, making sure to smack the same spot each time, the same hot, red spot as before.
"fuck, Dean... ahh.. harder.." Sam eggs him on.
"Harder?"
"yeah"
"you like it rough, Sammy?"
"yes..."
Dean slams in to his ass, slapping him as hard as he can.
"owwwww..." Sam is groaning in pain.
"it hurts? Should I stop?"
"No, don't stop. I like it... Like the pain.."
"Oh god... Sammy..."
"Dean I'm gunna..."
"I haven't even touched you..."
"I know.. but... fuck, Dean.. fuck.. fuck.. fuck... Dean!" The groan is almost like the one Dean heard at the motel but more intense, louder, and more out of breath. Sam is coming, spurting all over Dean's sheets and squeezing around Dean's cock so tight. Dean Slams into him, harder than he's ever fucked anyone before, and Dean comes, exploding inside Sam, groaning.
They both collapse on the bed, out of breath.
"Jesus.." Dean says, catching his breath. Sam feels nervous again and embarrassed, worried Dean will regret this.
"That was incredible Sammy... You are... Wow." He puts an arm around Sam, pulling him into him, looking down at Sam.
"What's wrong, Sammy?"
Sam frowns in such a Sam way, his face all tense, his eyes all glossy.
"It's okay, Sam, really... You don't need to be embarrassed... Come here," He says. He pulls the blanket up over them, and kisses Sam's lips softly.
"Are you sure this is okay?" Sam asks him. "People would think there's something wrong with us."
"Nobody but us has to know about this, its our secret, okay?" He says.
"Yeah... Okay." Sam says.
"I love you Sammy. I always have... Now I just have another way to do it. There's nothing wrong with making each other feel good."