A/N - Big angst warning, small violence warning. I wrote this after hearing about JS leaving, which is why it is so angsty. Also, I don't own HO, charater's/SLs/blahdiblah.
The title comes from a Switchfoot song, called 'The Blues' (www . youtube . com/ watch?veX0hHCLynPc)
It'll be a day like this one, when the world caves in.
John Paul McQueen was in turmoil. He had walked into the Dog that evening, where he was supposed to be meeting his fiancé, Kieron Hobbs, but he had seen a different person instead. Craig Dean. He had managed to avoid his ex-lover's sight, quickly getting a pint from his sister, Mercedes, and electing to drink it outside. The early evening sun was still warm, what with it being early September, and it was a very pleasant place to wait for Kieron.
But three hours had passed since then. His sister, whilst collecting glasses, had brought him another pint, and informed him that Craig was still working behind the bar. And Kieron still hadn't shown; he was over three hours late, without a phone call or a text, and that was very unlike Kieron. John Paul checked his phone again. He quickly dialled Kieron's number, but the phone rung, and rung, and then went to voicemail, John Paul hanging up without leaving a message. He had left enough of those already this evening.
Should he head back to the flat? he thought to himself, or stay here? Should he even go and talk to Craig? He quickly dismissed the thoughts of Craig from his mind. He couldn't go and speak to him now, not whilst he was annoyed with Kieron. He couldn't trust himself, not around Craig Dean, and he hated that.
Another hour, and another pint, later, John Paul finally decided to head back to the flat he shared with Kieron, and their friend Niall. Niall, he thought to himself, Niall had been a little off with him and Kieron since they had become engaged. John Paul couldn't understand why he wasn't happy for them. He thought back to that morning, at breakfast. Kieron had said he had something to tell John Paul, but that it would wait until later. That was why he had wanted to meet John Paul for a drink in The Dog. John Paul suddenly had a thought; Kieron had said he was going to speak to Myra that afternoon, before his drink with John Paul.
John Paul quickly thumbed through his phone, and found 'Home', the name his mother's home number still held. He rung it, and was glad when his Mum, as opposed to one of his nosey sisters, answered it.
"Hi Mum"
"John Paul?"
"Yea, um, I was wondering if you had seen Kieron today, only he mentioned he was going to see you, and I wondered if he had. Seen you."
"What's up, John Paul, you're rambling at a thousand miles an hour."
"Nothing, just, did Kieron come and see you today."
"No, he didn't love."
"Oh."
"Was it something important?"
"I don't know, he just, he said he needed to see you, and then after that he had to tell me something. I don't know. Um…"
Myra cut him off. "Whatever it is you're worrying about, don't you think you should talk to Kieron about it?"
John Paul's silence answered his mother's question.
"I'll speak to you tomorrow, John Paul."
"Alright, Mum. 'Bye."
John Paul hung up, and looked up. He hadn't realised which direction he had been walking in, but he found himself staring at the bold number 3 on the front door of the flat. As he turned his key in the lock, he could hear the TV playing in the living area. It sounded like football.
"…and Gallas passes to Fàbregas"
Oh, so the Gunners are playing, thought John Paul, as he pushed the door open. Still not a valid reason to stand me up though. It was then that John Paul realised that Kieron hadn't stood him up.
Later John Paul would regret thinking Kieron had stood him up, regret waiting so long before leaving the pub, regret not coming back to the flat earlier in the day, regret not ringing his mother earlier, regret dismissing Kieron not answering his phone. But at that moment, there were no regrets in his mind. In fact there were no emotions in his mind. He felt only one thing, as he pushed the door open to reveal the true reason why Kieron hadn't met him at the Dog.
Numb.
He felt numb.
He couldn't find the words or the thoughts to express himself as he walked into the flat.
He couldn't find the words or the thoughts as he walked towards Kieron; he felt numb. But his body had reacted, because he was crying.
Sobbing.
Tears were running down his cheeks, and he let out strangled sobs, but he didn't even notice. He knelt down next to his lover, who was lying on the floor, his head surrounded by blood. There was a frying pan not far from Kieron's body, but John Paul didn't notice.
The only thing he saw, the only thing he knew with any certainty, was that his lover was dead.
Kieron was dead.
Motive, and murder weapons, and forensics would all be dealt with later, by the police, but those things didn't concern John Paul. He didn't care about the how, or the why, or even how long ago it had happened; the only thing he cared about was that Kieron was dead.
He might have been sobbing, but inside he was still numb.
Inside, he was struggling to comprehend the reality of the situation.
Was he dreaming?
Was this all just a terrible dream?
Some fiction, some twisted nightmare, some horrendous figment of his demented imagination.
It took all the courage John Paul had to reach out and touch his lover's face. He put his palm to Kieron's cheek, and then he knew.
He knew this was all real.
He knew Kieron was dead.
His tear began to fall faster and faster, even though he wouldn't have thought it possible.
His sobs were so strangled that he could barely breathe; but he wasn't sure that he wanted to anymore.
He didn't think he would ever breathe again; it felt like a part of him had died. It felt like someone had ripped into his chest, and torn his heart out, shattering it into a million tiny pieces.
As John Paul's tears fell from his face, mixing with the blood surrounding Kieron's head, he started to remember snapshots of their time together. It had only been short, less than a year, but he had so many happy memories of them together.
The first time Kieron had kissed him, when they were both drunk, after the catastrophe that was the Fashion Show. He hadn't ever imagined that someone so confident, so out-going, so truly amazing, could ever like him. His post-Craig relationship life had been filled with meaningless one night stands and scumbags. But then Kieron had kissed him, and his life had changed. He had never thought he deserved another shot at love, and yet here one was.
But Kieron was a priest. And John Paul didn't want another secret relationship. So he had tried to hide his feelings, asked Kieron to do the same. But everyday had become harder, as he fell further and further in love.
And then the day of the fun run, and the night that followed it. He had been stupid enough to think he might still love Craig. If his ex-lover had returned to Hollyoaks then, instead of now, would things have been different? John Paul didn't even care. He tried to force himself to forget how foolish he had been, telling Kieron that he had broken his vow of celibacy for nothing, after that night. But it hadn't been for nothing; that was why John Paul had been so scared. So scared he had pushed Kieron out of his life.
And a month later, he had been given a second chance. And then a third, when he had screwed up again. And since then, life might not have been easy, but he wouldn't have wanted anything else. Because he was in love. There was no past tense about it, not yet. He was in love with Kieron Hobbs; still loved him with all his heart.
His mind drifted to that day when Kieron had turned up on his doorstep, with the black eye. Kieron's smile, the way it lit up his eyes, and the way he laughed with his eyes as well. The way he used to laugh, his mind corrected him, as the tears, which had started to slow, sped up again. He couldn't believe he would never see the life behind those eyes again.
His eyes moved down from Kieron's eyes, to his lips. Those lips. Those lips he had kissed a thousand times, but would never kiss again. Short secret kisses, stolen whilst no one was watching; long private kisses, that sent shivers up and down his spine. John Paul remembered the last time they had kissed, at breakfast only that morning. But the more he tried to remember, to savour that moment, the further away it seemed.
He'd thought he'd have a million more moments to savour, a million more memories to make.
He'd thought they would be together forever. It had been the thought at the forefront of his mind, when he had impulsively asked Kieron to marry him.
They had plans.
They had had plans.
They would never realise them now.
But today was just another normal day. They had woken, together, in bed. Showered, together. Eaten breakfast, together. John Paul had never needed someone in his life like he needed Kieron. He would have spent all his time in the four walls of the flat if he could, simply spending time with Kieron, eating with Kieron, watching TV with Kieron, just being with Kieron. It made him feel complete. Whole in a way he had never felt before. But he had needed some new records, and Kieron had wanted to see Myra. So they had gone their separate ways, and arranged to meet for a drink in The Dog later. Play some pool, simply hang out. Be together.
It had been a normal day
It'll be a day like this one. When the world caves in.
It wasn't normal anymore.