Disclaimer: I don't own 'em.
Updated A/N: This story originally contained a ridiculously long disclaimer (longer than the actual story) to feed into the attempt at humor. It had been omitted here for all of our sanity.
Dedications: This story is dedicated to the following individuals and clubs who inspired this writing, helped my muse, or simply offered me their friendship. The individuals are: Alicia, Amber, Acacia, Arianwen, Barb, Briar, Brittania, Cora, Chrissy, Cat, CrazyEvilDru, Dolly, Destiny, Electra, EvilWillow, Ephy, Enyo, Erika, Eris, Goddess Of Mischief, GoddessAnex, Galadriel, Grey, Goddess Of War, Gata, IsolatedSoul, Illyandria, Jessica, Joxerfan, Kat, Korianna, Kristy, Kari, Kaylene, Liz, Lysia, LadyKate, Lilly, Maureen, Megan, Mel, Mary, Prophecy, Raven, Something Royal, Tali, Tareena, and Tango. The clubs are: Ambrosiaholics Anonymous, Ares & Xena Shippers Club, I Hate Gabrielle Club, I Hate Gabrielle Castle, I Hate Hercules Club, A Reason To Believe, Shatomlic Amazons, Illyandria's Board, Shipper Heaven, and Dark Siren.
WARNINGS: Crack-fic. MAY CONTAIN: Sexual Innuendos, Humor, Dark Humor, Raunchy Humor, Bad Humor, Violence, and Sailor Language.
Rated: PG-13
Summary: What's a warrior princess to do on a beautiful sunny day with birds chirping, a talkative best friend, and no baddies to give her a break? Ponder the great questions of life, of course!
Song Inspiration For This FanFiction: "You better loose yourself in the music, the moment, you better never let it go. You only get one shot; do not miss your one chance…" - 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem off of his CD 'The Eminem Show'
Thank You: Who can I blame this twisted little piece on? Oooh, I know! RISSSSSYYYYY! It's your fault. I want everyone to thank Rissy for bringing this piece into existence, without her, it never would'a happened. You see, I have a kinda throne, and she kinda tried to steal it, and I kinda had to show her how the master does it! SO THERE! BLAME 'RIS! All enjoyment is my fault though, so send happiness to me! Also, gotta thank my chronic-slow-reader, Ephy, and my editor, Kat. SO THANKS YA'LL!
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
Temporary Insanity
Xena looked over at her yammering friend and contemplated the only thing a warrior princess could be expected to contemplate in a situation such as this: temporary insanity. The warrior princess was wondering that if, right at this very moment, she took a pillow and suffocated the overly friendly bard, she could claim insanity by reason of being talked to death. "Gabrielle," Xena questioned seriously, "do you think someone can be insane after they've been killed?"
It was hard to say what shocked Gabrielle more, the fact that her friend had spoken, or the fact that she had spoken in the middle of one of her tales. The bard settled for the former, as the stoic warrior was world renowned for her silence, or at least should have been. Had she actually listened to what had interrupted her tale, Gabrielle would not have been shocked in the least to find that her friend was plotting murder… again. "Huh, baddies, where?!"
Xena was still wondering how one could be dead and still insane; after all it was insanity by reason of being talked to death. She may know most everything, but some things eluded that wonderful mind the warrior possessed. Doing a quick mental scan for any actual 'baddies,' the warrior princess determined there were none, and responded to the bard's panicked clutching of her staff with a roll of the eyes. "Gabrielle, relax. I just asked you a question."
Gabrielle fixed the warrior princess with her patented bard glare of death, guaranteed to be very, very, scary looking. Not scary in an 'omigods she's going to kill me way,' but more in a 'what in tartarus is she doing to her face' way. "Xena," she tried to be patient, but her voice slowly rose to a screech, "you just interrupted the punch line of my story for a question?"
Xena opened her mouth to point out that said story had been going on half the day, when she saw the glare of bardic death and decided better of it. Closing her mouth before someone could come and take a picture (they always got shots when she looked like an idiot!), Xena went back to her internal musings.
The bard waited patiently for a response as she saw the mouth of her companion open and then close like a bloated fish, but none was forthcoming. She let the silence stretch into minutes, unaware that her friend was happily enjoying the lack of chatter. When Gabrielle knew she just couldn't stand it anymore, she continued her story because the silence was causing birds to chirp, and nothing made the little bard angrier then chirping birds. "Damn birds! Xena, I'm starting my story again. Wait till the end for questions, okay?"
Xena, meanwhile, had been struck by a divine miracle, literally. A flying piece of divine paper reading: 'miracle,' had just flown down and hit Xena in the head. The stoic warrior made an 'owwie' face, rubbed her head, and looked to see if her friend had noticed this chain of events… she hadn't. Xena took this as a sign, a sign that some musings required a god's help to solve. Seeing as there was only one god whipped enough to help a mortal with a quandary, Xena nudged Argo to a run and called back to her friend, "Uh… I think I heard something. Stay there, I'll be back!"
Gabrielle opened her mouth very wide; once again, the stupid oaf that was the 'so called' warrior princess had ruined her punch line. Not knowing what else to do, the traveling bard sat on the nearest rock, thanked the gods that her feet had a chance to rest, spit out a fly, closed her mouth, and tried out a new tale on the nearest tree. "There once was this stupid woman named Xena. She went out and saved people and was called a quote-unquote 'hero.' But this woman was nothing but a stupid woman, who left her friend by the side of the road to talk to a tree…." The bard paused an appropriate amount of time, and then demanded of the tree, "WELL? What did you think!?"
Xena pulled Argo to the side of a clearing, securely tied the horse to a waiting tree, took a deep breath, and used all her super-warrior-woman strength to bellow, "ARES!"
In a brilliant, if blinding, flash of blue light, the god of war appeared. He looked sheepish, if not downright frightened at what could have caused his love to yell with such force, "You called, my princess?"
Xena fixed her own, patented, warrior princess glare of utter death on the war god. "Ewww, I thought I told you not to call me that. It makes people think you're my DAD or something icky. Nasty minds people have."
Ares shrugged, looked up and –finding no angry mobs in sight- let out the breath he had been holding. The confident swagger returned to his steps as Ares strode up to his girlfriend and pulled her close for a kiss. "Sorry, my… queen…"
Xena sighed contentedly. There were two things she absolutely loved about dating the god of war: 1) he was sexy and an oh-so-great kisser, and 2) angry villages didn't care that she had slaughtered their husbands once she told them that she could make the god of war do flips… literally. Pausing her mental train of thought to examine how she had gotten so off topic, the warrior princess forgot to explain why she had called her war god.
For his part, Ares was trying to be patient; he had to be, with Xena. However, being able to read the famous warrior like a book did have its advantages, and the god of war could tell when her eyes glazed over that she was off track. Not wanting to lose any of his charm by stamping his foot and demanding that she tell him why he was there, Ares settled for calmly asking, "Was there something you wanted, Xena?"
Managing to look utterly placid while ransacking your mind to what you had been thinking about was not an easy achievement, but one that Xena prided herself in. So, it was no wonder that Ares couldn't tell she was coming up with a blank, or that Xena wasn't replying because she didn't have an answer, not to make him wait. Sliding closer to her boyfriend, godfriend, whatever, the answer finally dawned on Xena and she asked, "If I happened to kill, oh I don't know, somebody, could I claim insanity by reason of being talked to death?"
Raising an eyebrow, Ares thought deeply on this confusing question. While he thought, he stood there, perfectly still, and could have stayed that way for millennium. However, a certain warrior princess was not patient enough to wait that long, and so she snapped her fingers in front of the god of war's eyes. Snapped out of his thoughts, Ares couldn't help but shrug. "I think, you could claim reason of insanity by reason of being talked to insanity… but I don't think talked to death would work."
Now it was Xena's turn to raise an eyebrow in disbelief, "I called you down here for THAT? Gods, Ares, I could have figured that out!" Sighing deeply, Xena stepped away from the god of war without a goodbye kiss and moved to untie Argo so she could go back to the frustrating bard she had left… somewhere.
Ares also shrugged, before disappearing, his disembodied voice echoing through the now empty clearing. "What do you want from me; I'm a war strategist, not a lawyer."
Suddenly Xena spun around angrily, "Son of a banshee! Where's my goodbye kiss?!"
The End