Shinra Inc. And Twitter
By: Jason Tandro
Author's Note: Yes, it was only a matter of time before I did a Trump episode. I waffled on an election episode because apart from having already done one centered around an election I felt the emotions were still a bit too raw. And I waffled on making fun of the Electoral College, again because emotions were too raw. Finally over a month into the Trump Presidency and I feel it would be inappropriate to hope for people to stop being angry about the election results and just nut up and address the giant orange elephant in the room. And I've chosen to do so by mocking the thing that our current President will likely be the most famous for - his excessive use of Twitter, which even a great deal of Trump supporters are beginning to find tiresome. It's impossible to mock a President without upsetting a great deal of people, especially one as divisive as Trump. But this series has always had a very direct approach towards expressing my biased views towards a variety of sensitive topics and I don't intend to stop now.
The Conference Room was filled with the droning voice of Reeve, as Rufus Shinra sat back on his phone, tapping away furiously. This would be somewhat less annoying if he'd had the decency to first turn off the haptic feedback; each finger poke sent a miniscule vibration through the device which buzzed just loud enough to be distracting.
"Rufus, don't you think if you don't have the decency to take part in the budget meeting you could at least do us a favor and not attend?" Reeve asked.
"I am busy right now, Reeve. I am defending the company's image," Rufus explained.
"How's that?" Reeve asked.
Scarlet leaned over to look at his phone. "You're on Twatter."
"Yes. I am twatting about the company," Rufus explained.
"What the hell is Twatter?" Tseng asked.
"It's a trendy new social media app," Scarlet explained. "It lets you express yourself by sending short messages to nobody in particular using no more than 140 characters."
"Oh, so it's like MyFace only worse," Elena commented.
"Hey I think it's a nice low-maintenance way of staying in touch with random people around the internet that I don't care about," Rufus explained. "But I found these people trolling our company by using Twatter."
"Oh really, what are they saying?" Reeve asked.
"Well let's see here. goldenshinywire says ' ShinraInc needs to focus on improving its employee wages and reduce militarization. #freedom'," Rufus grunted. "Freaking hippie."
"What was that last bit. Hashtag something?" Hojo asked.
"Oh yeah, apparently the average young person doesn't know what the hell a pound sign is so they call it 'hashtag'. I suspect hash a great deal to do with the name," Rufus grunted.
"Well it sounds like that isn't really trolling. It seems like they have a genuine concern they want addressed. How did you respond?" Reeve asked.
Rufus raised himself up to his full height and smirked. He showed his phone off to everybody in the room, each person taking a sharp inhale and/or rubbing their foreheads in dismay.
Rufus Shinra
theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez
goldenshinywire is a loser hippie. Shinra Inc is better than ever and people love us. Stick to your carrot farm. Sad.
"I don't see how that's defending the company image," Reeve sighed.
"My insult was better than his. Now people think I am cool person and he is a liberal cuck," Rufus said as if explaining this to a child.
"Please tell me this is the only one of these you've done. We have a professional PR team who handles our social media," Scarlet said.
"Oh no I've been at this all weekend. Check this out. seventhHeavenGirl called Shinra a 'corrupt, money-grubbing autocracy.' But I got her good," Rufus laughed before once again passing around his phone.
Rufus Shinra
theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez
seventhHeavenGirl is a 4 at best. Saggy tits, nobody likes muscular women. Get back in the kitchen. Nasty woman.
"That… is beyond blatant misogyny. What the hell Rufus?" Elena demanded.
"It's all part of the game. You see by doing this, and calling out the butch lesbian for what she is, I discredit her and people trust me more. This is the kind of thing you have to do if you want to remain top dog on the internet," Rufus explained.
Hojo shrugged and leaned back. "This is why I am glad I still don't have a cell phone."
"Huh," Scarlet said as she scrolled through her own device. "Apparently there is a huge collection of people sharing comebacks at your expense."
Rufus shook his head. "No way, people love me."
Scarlet nodded defiantly. "Yeah, buddy, that's what you think because you don't bother to get actual information. You choose to live in a fantasy land of your own."
"What's that group called?" Reeve asked. "I'm looking it up now."
" ShinRegrets," Scarlet explained. "Oh jeez guys this one is good. ' exsoldier: I used to support theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez, but he won't stop complaining. Act presidential. Sad.'"
The people in the Conference Room laughed at the sarcastic retort, except for Rufus who had a sour scowl .
"Oh man. ' vampireBoy: I literally woke up from an eternal slumber just to say that theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez sucks. Grow up.'," Elena said before falling over laughing.
The others joined in. Rufus's scowl grew more and more pronounced.
"Yeah, well. I made fun of a prisoner of war," Rufus exclaimed. "The loser got caught and I totally called him out for it."
"That's really weak, Rufus," Hojo replied. "That's almost as bad as mocking a disabled person."
"Which he did," Elena added.
The twats continued to come, each one read off in a rapid-fire.
"' gelnikapilot: I supported theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez but he doesn't know what he is doing. Nobody cares about your problems.'"
"' ladyTurk: I regret ever showing support for theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez. He is an embarrassment.'"
"' wingeddudeinacave: theArtistFormerlyKnownAsPrez is a total disappointment.'"
"No!" Rufus shouted to the room. "This isn't true! I'm loved! People love me! People love me!"
*-Shinra Inc And-*
Rufus shot out of his seat and rose in a massive daze. He was babbling incoherently. "People love me!"
His eyes focused and he saw that he was still in the Conference Room and the others were looking at him with a startled expression.
"Are you alright, Rufus?" Reeve asked.
Rufus took a deep breath and reclaimed his seat. "I'm sorry. I must have dozed off. I had a terrible nightmare where I responded to every minor problem in my life like a total bitch with petty insults."
"Oh it's okay Rufus. We know you're not that much of an asshole," Scarlet smiled. "After all, you don't have to do that since you put in rules to curtail free speech years ago."
"And you would just execute anybody who caused you any problems," Hojo added.
Rufus, apparently missing the joke, simply smiled. "Thanks guys. It's good to have friends like you."