The Norm Show: "Laurie vs. Denby"
Laurie sits at her desk, eating.
"Oh, Norm – you got to try these poppy-seed bagels I got from the new health food store. They got no fat, no trans fat, no sugar, and only 90 calories!"
"No thanks, I already had card board this morning."
"More for me then," she replies.
Norm fiddles with some papers on his desk in an attempt to look busy. Denby walks in, grey suit and baker boy cap on.
"Norm, can I talk to you?" in a somewhat measured tone of displeasure.
"No habla English."
"Last night I went to a bar to have a drink."
"I see, and you're an alcoholic. I'm gonna suggest what Mr. Curtis suggested: why don't you take some time off. Oh, and also – stop drinking."
"Trite and tawdry jokes aide, you know what happened to me?" raises his eyebrows and leans in briefly.
"You got plastered?"
"I got kicked," Denby annunciates the last word.
"You must be a hell of a mean drunk, sir."
"On the rear. And you know why? Because there was a sign telling people to."
"Hey – at least people are obeying the signs," replies Norm.
"But that's not all it said. Apparently it fully read: kick me if you want hot gay sex. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you Norm?"
"Hot gay sex, sir? Nah, I've never been one of the homosexual accord."
"And you know what happened?"
"Don't ask, don't tell, sir," Norm toys with Denby.
"Anyway, what happened is irrelevant, but ... but what's going to happen now ... is a whole other cup-of-tea, let me tell you that, compadre."
"Look, if it's any conciliation, I make so many of those it was just pure chance you'd go to a bar the same night as that one."
"Officially, since I didn't catch you in the act and because it would cost too much to finger print the paper, I'm going to hand over the new case file to you," hands norm the folder.
Opens and reads it, then looks plainly at Denby, "Joseph Didly. That sounds like a fun guy."
"Mr. Didly has an unnatural fear of using the restroom alone."
"So I got to go with him to the can once or twice, no big deal."
"AND an overactive bladder. I hope this doesn't ... piss you off," laughs giddily, but stops when he notices everyone is starring and not laughing along, "back to work!" he commands and storms off into his office.
Danny walks over to Norm's desk; norm works non-chalantly.
Danny speaks, "You know, we should really be recording this for some kind of Greatest Hits tape."
Laurie chimes in, "As interesting and mentally exciting as you two exchanges are, one of these days Mr. Denby's gonna put his foot down on you."
"Old wrinkly foot," Danny air elbows Norm.
"Probably be in a Snoopy slipper," says Norm.
"Maybe you should try being friends with him," suggests Laurie.
"Can't that wait until Hell freezes over?" replies Norm.
"Hey – I'm just suggesting," puts her arms out briefly, "one of these days I may not be here to defend you."
"Who are you, My Cousin Vinny? I can defend myself just fine."
"Okay, but don't come crying to me next time you punch the boss."
"Hey! That was only one time! He said hockey was for large Neanderthals overcompensating for the lack of stick size."
"Too bad you hit him in the back and only popped that disc back in place," ads Danny.
"I choose not to recall it that way. Look, I'm sure nothing bad will happen for the rest of the day."
...
Norm signs some papers and puts them into a tan folder. He then puts it into an appropriate tray and get up.
"Four times in one hour; they should call that guy Joe Piddly. Well, that's it for me, you guys take care," and as he slips his light jacket on while heading to the officer door, Denby bolts at him.
"What are you doing?"
"Leaving for the day; it's five 'till."
"No, what did you just put into your pocket there?" questions Denby.
"My right hand. You know – man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long, sir."
"Ah-ah-ah – I saw you put a pen in there!"
"Oh, this one?" pulls out a pen.
"Did you sign any papers requesting permission to take the pen from the premises?"
"No."
"Then that's stealing."
"I wasn't stealing. I was just going to give Mr. Bic here a temporary new home. That's what all good social workers do, right?"
"Taking office supplies is expressly forbad, unlawful and punishable by a fine and time in jail."
"Now, come on, sir – even you can't be serious."
"I am," pulling off his glasses in what fails to be a dramatic attempt. He fumbles to put them back on.
"So ... what? Are you gonna call CHiPs on me?"
"Ah, of course not. That would be too harsh."
"Oh, harsh is such an unfitting word, sir. Asshole is a more appropriate one if you ask me."
"I'm getting off for the day-"
"I'll say," Norm say just low enough to not be heard by Denby.
"-myself, but tomorrow you are to report here on time to receive your punishment."
"What are you going to do, spank me?" moves in closer to Denby and mocks, "Admit it – you'd like that just a little..."
"Just be here," and Denby tugs at his overcoat, then turns and leaves.
Norm sighs and turns to look at his office mates.
"Ummm ... these poppy-seed bagels are delicious," says Laurie, purposefully ignoring Norm.