A/N: Mad props to Laura (tjcrowfoot) for validating my need to write this. I love the Kurt/Rachel friendship and I'm not satisfied with the hot and cold nature of it. This is my gut reaction- y'know, writing to fix what I feel is a shortcoming with the show. Hope y'all enjoy. Just do me a favor and review to let me know, if you please. I've left it open-ended and I'm not totally against continuing. That said, I don't have any definite plans. There are minor possible spoilers through the upcoming episode, but I don't really know anything so… if you're trying to go spoiler-free though it might be best to wait. Title and lots of inspiration for this from my favorite Dashboard Confessional song Thick as Thieves.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I don't own Dashboard Confessional, either. Although I would have nothing against borrowing Chris Carrabba's talent.
You Got My Council
Chapter 1 - I Don't Break Easily
There's a dividing line. He knows it and she knows it. He knows it because he notices but doesn't push the boundary. She knows it because it's a boundary she created. She swore to herself for so long that if she had friends, there would be nothing in the way—she would share everything. But then she did and she messed it up and she can't go back. So now there are dividing lines and boundaries and compartments. A compartmentalized life is not that bad, really.
There are some more obvious taboo subjects. The most obvious, for example, is competition-related discussion. She gets why he went to a different school, she really does. And it made it easier, erased some of the boundaries, because he wasn't her direction competition anymore. But actually, he still is in some ways. Not Blaine, she isn't competing for that. She isn't stupid or frivolous as much as some people, those who bother with her at all, call her a silly little girl. She doesn't want to compete for it anyway because, once she knows about them being together, her friend's radiant happiness is enough for her.
Enough for her to kind of bitterly wish for her own, but that's a different compartment. She isn't getting into any of that with him.
So she's busy thinking about the different shapes of the different compartments. Would they be square? Would they be star shaped? She would like to think so because she wants everything to be stars, but really she thinks they would either be squares because they are definite or maybe circles because they're never ending. She isn't going to be able to get rid of them now. Another 'he' told her once that she was making a comeback, that she looked like the old version of herself and the one he fell in love with. She didn't have the heart to reply that she sealed that girl off and she won't be that girl again. No matter what, she just can't be that girl again. She can't be the girl who completely loses herself in someone else, in chasing someone else, and then in being with someone else. She just…she can't. She's not miserable, she's actually quite happy with the way things are going overall, but she's still just this new girl and she will always be.
So the new one, this girl in the square compartment, sits at coffee with her friend and scribbles away in the notebook. She had such a hard time tapping into that deep, emotional compartment for her original song and now she thinks that compartment wasn't a square, but was more like a box. Pandora's box, to be precise, and she has to get the words onto paper or she thinks she'll probably die. Okay, not literallydie, but she certainly won't be able to think of anything else and that will just be a problem because finals are coming up.
"So… Rachel… did you want to talk?" Kurt says slowly. He sips his coffee before he sets the paper cup down on the table. He fidgets with the cardboard grip that's wrapped around the cup, twisting it slightly so the seams line up with the seams on the cup. Blaine will be here shortly, having planned to arrive a little later for their weekly coffee date, but it doesn't appear to matter because this absurdly bubbly, loquacious girl has just been writing in her notebook for the last half hour without saying much at all.
She pulls her head up from where she's writing and looks at him honestly. She's kind of afraid if she opens her mouth, song lyrics will fall out. And since she has a nagging feeling Mr. Schuester is going to ask her to whip a new song out of her back pocket for Nationals, she definitely doesn't want to let Kurt know. Even though he's back at McKinley and will know eventually, she's afraid she would be embarrassed. See, last time she wrote a song, she didn't have to worry about his opinion before he heard the finished product. She puts her songs in a compartment, maybe that's the star-shaped one, until they're ready to be unleashed. None of them are ready yet, so they will stay hidden away for now. It's safer not to speak. She smiles and looks down at her notebook.
"So…prom with Jesse? Stakeouts with Finn?" He prompts, his voice growing a little more annoyed with her reticence to share. "I'm worried about you, Rachel." There's no mistaking the concern rolled in with everything else.
"How…" she looks up and clears her throat.
"I know because, unlike you, Finn talks to me. I don't think he necessarily always mean to, but…he does. Now that I'm home, I can't turn him off." His eyes widen a little when her eyebrows go up and her eyes sparkle a little with amusement. "That came out wrong. I just mean I wish he came equipped with a mute button because it's almost like the guy can't shut up now that he has someone to talk to."
"I don't…I can't…" she stammers. "I'm fine, Kurt. I appreciate your concern, even if you're masking it with nosiness, but I'm really quite fine."
"Finn blurted out in front of our whole class that you're beautiful. You didn't say anything. I had to work with Puck to get it through your thick head, for God's sake. Puck. The same kid that threw me into dumpsters. I did that for you because I'm concerned. And now I hear you're going to prom with Jesse. He victimized you, Rachel."
Rachel sighs and puts her pen down to look at him honestly. "Yes, but that was a long time ago. He's apologized. He's trying to apologize."
"There are things you can't apologize for."
"You worked with Puck and you just pointed out he threw you in dumpsters. And somehow I doubt he actually apologized."
Kurt gives an idle shrug and takes another drink of his coffee. "I just see things through new eyes now that I'm back. And it's clear you are not the same. I was looking forward to battling it out for solos with you and trading snarky remarks about fellow Glee clubbers who are substandard."
"I'm finding it a bit easier to bite my tongue these days."
"No kidding," he coughs out. "You've had a lot of practice while you've been watching Finn and Quinn, I would imagine." As much as he wishes Finn had a silencing button of some sort, he's hoping this is the babble button on Rachel Berry.
Her tight swallow is visible and she takes a drink before she comments. "That's different."
"How?" He pushes. Turns out it was not the babble button. If she won't talk about Finn, maybe she doesn't have a babble button anymore. That's even more troublesome.
See, he knows she went with Finn to spy on Quinn and sat next to him. Finn's last nearly-indiscernible paragraph of rambling Rachel-related-speak was filled with details on that little outing—what they had found out and how embarrassed he was and why on Earth didn't Kurt mention what was going on even a little bit sooner and…
She can't explain to him that it's a different compartment, it's crossing a line to even get into it, and she can't step outside her well-constructed boundaries now. She thinks she might finally be bouncing back, inching toward letting go, and she knows she needs to do that. She needs to focus and she needs to just be the best and get out of here. She needs to focus more on her goals and less on her distractions. As much as she doesn't want to admit Quinn was right, well… Quinn was right in at least some of aspects of her nasty diatribe.
"It just is," Rachel finally says with a shrug. She takes another small sip of her tea.
"Why don't you tell me about the stakeout thing?" Kurt pushes. Now that she's put her pen down and removed her nose from the notebook, he's going to take advantage of it.
"I thought Finn already did," she said simply. "In fact, you saw the end result when I lashed out at Sam in class. And you went with us to get the guitar back from the pawn shop, so…what exactly are you asking me?"
"You sat in that abominable old truck with Finn for over two hours. Do you mean to tell me nothing happened?"
"I'm not feeding your inner gossip monger," Rachel says primly. She picks up her pen and he sees Blaine approaching and it looks like this opportunity to really check on his friend is slipping right through his well-manicured fingers. He sighs.
"Listen, Diva, I know you have some bottled up feelings about everything you've been through in the last few months. I heard about the MVP thing and the teary speech about being accepted by that group and…and…"
Blaine's hand rests on Kurt's shoulder as he drops into the chair they had purposefully saved for him. The physical contact is his greeting for Kurt, and he gives a genuine smile and a soft "Hey" to Rachel. Kurt responds by raising his own hand to touch Blaine's where it rests and Rachel responds with a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. She picks up her pen and both she and Blaine are fairly shocked when Kurt leans forward to rip it out of her hand.
"Stop that! We're talking," he says sharply. "If you won't talk about my stepbrother, then we really need to broach the subject of Jesse St. James and just what in the hell you're doing there."
Blaine frowns. He's heard that name before… he just isn't sure he can place where. He looks over at Kurt, but Kurt is so focused on Rachel he redirects his gaze. "Who's Jesse St. James?"
"Rachel's dirtbag ex-boyfriend who broke her heart and egged her in the school parking lot," Kurt answers, his eyes never leaving Rachel and his voice full of steel. "With whom she's rumored to be going to Prom next weekend."
"Egged her?" Blaine looks between them. "As in threw eggs? I..I…You shouldn't be going to McKinley if that behavior is consistently tolerated. Slushies are terrible and what Dave did to you before is assault…"
Rachel's quiet words cut in. "The egging was terrible but it wasn't as bad as the other major thing he did."
Blaine leans forward to focus on her, not looking at Kurt any longer. Both of their concerned stares are just about enough to make her shut that compartment, too. She hasn't discussed this with anyone else, not really even with Finn when he pushed a little. He backed off then. She isn't sure if she hopes Blaine and Kurt will now. She isn't sure she wants to pry the lid off this compartment. She thinks maybe they are all more like boxes and maybe they should stay sealed off.
"There was more?" Kurt asks, his voice low.
She can feel tears in her eyes and she's now dead certain she doesn't want this box opened. Blaine's hand fumbles to reach hers. His touch, a symbol of his friendship, gives her a little strength and a lot of support. Even if she lost a lot of her friendship with Finn, even if she sealed all that off so tightly, she kind of got two for the price of one with Kurt and Blaine. She really is glad Kurt is back at McKinley, and she really is glad she has them to talk to and maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to let a little bit of it out. There has been pressure to do that since Jesse came back, and she's been worried she might break under the weight of it. Maybe she can talk without spouting off song lyrics. Maybe it wouldn't kill her. And maybe she can do it with just this one thing so maybe she doesn't have to get into any of the rest of it.
"Well…do you remember how Miss Corcoran was the coach of Vocal Adrenaline?" Kurt nods, and Blaine's eyes narrow, so she dips a toe into the water, so to speak. Maybe if it's a box, it can be a box filled with water and she can just get into a little bit. This box seems like it might have a shallow end and a deep end and…well, maybe she is ready to get her feet a little bit wet even if she doesn't dive all the way in. "So, obviously she had a close relationship with Jesse."
"I'm not sure I like where this is going," Kurt says flatly.
"Well, I had some reason to believe maybe she put him up to getting she and I in contact," Rachel whispers, her words right on the heels of Kurt's. Kurt sits back in his chair and folds his arms tightly across his chest.
Blaine is still missing something important. "Why would…" he reaches out and takes Kurt's coffee, helping himself to a sip and it doesn't really clarify his confusion.
"Miss Corcoran is Rachel's biological mother," Kurt fills in quickly, his icy eyes never leaving Rachel's. She's managing to hold back a flood, so she thinks she might've been right that it was okay to dip her toes in just a little. But she doesn't think she can go any further in. She just…she just can't. She just adds it to the list in her head of lines not to cross, of topics to avoid—of things she doesn't really want to deal with.
"So he…so…" Blaine's grip on her tightens. "Are you only going to prom with him to get back at Finn?"
"What?" She lets out, the word nothing more than an indignant gasp. "How do you… no," she stumbles a little, then finishes firmly. "No."
"That's what Finn thinks," Kurt interjects. "You're actually hurting him, you know."
Rachel blinks and the dam breaks a little bit, but the flood doesn't escape. Just two tears that kind of tell Kurt everything he actually needs to know. "That's ridiculous."
"And I think you're hurting yourself more." Kurt leans forward. "You march around acting like you're fine, but you aren't."
She bites her lip and shakes her head. "May I please have my pen back."
"Why are you going to prom with Jesse?" Kurt asks, ignoring her plea—both of them, really, because her eyes are begging him to stop.
"Closure," she finally squeaks out. "All right? I need closure. I need to put a lid on all that and move on. That applies to a lot of things, a lot of relationships, in my life."
"Is that why you haven't been out on a single date since Finn?"
She knows she can't go there. Alarms go off, bells and whistles ringing in her ears, and she just shakes her head. She can feel the tea she's drunk swimming in her stomach and it hurts. It all hurts. "I…"
"Rachel, just…just please talk to me."
She can't. She just…she just can't. "I thought you wanted to be more like Fleetwood Mac and only speak about the music."
"Okay," Kurt says. Blaine is just looking back and forth between them, not necessarily falling behind but not exactly keeping up, either. "Let's talk about the music. Let's see your notebook."
She snaps it closed and shakes her head. "No." She closes the notebook. She closes the compartment. She ducks her head and wipes the tears away from her cheeks. She inhales one deep breath, clearing the water out of her lungs and that drowning feeling and she looks up at him with a smile. "Let's talk about something else. Do you know what you're wearing for prom?"
Kurt recognizes the shut-down. He sees her do it every time she starts to fall apart. He honestly wonders if she ever really feels safe enough to fall apart. The last time he could remember that she didn't seem guarded was at the wedding. She was there with Finn and she was happy. She was affectionate with him even; they danced forever, whenever she wasn't dancing with his brother, and she chattered endlessly about everything imaginable. She was a ray of sunshine.
Then everything around her fell apart. He was dead certain she wasn't innocent, but he wondered if she knew what she had done wasn't forever. Finn had obviously moved on—not in the sense that he didn't want to be with Rachel anymore, but in the sense that he felt like he could count on her again. In the end, she was the only one still carrying around all the hurt and still crying about trying to get it right and…
He really wishes he weren't in the middle in this scenario. How had he really made friends with Rachel in the first place? Well, maybe he can find another way to help his friend. She clearly needs his expertise, even if she is too proud to ever ask.
"Finn said it looks like something from Braveheart."
"You're still not going to carry a shield or utter a Scottish speech, though, right?" Blaine cuts in, looking over at Kurt and away from Rachel. "You promised."
Kurt nods and can't fight the grin that ties itself to his words. "I know what I promised."
Rachel's phone chirps from its place on the table and she jumps before she picks it up to look at her text message. "I'm sorry, I need to go. My dad is outside. We're trying to find my prom dress."
Kurt shakes his head. "If I didn't know your dad was perfectly capable I would insist on going." She rises from the chair and starts gathering up her things, then holds her hand out with the palm up to ask for her pen back. He slaps it back in her hand and lets his fingers wrap around her hand. "Please text me pictures before you commit to a purchase."
"Of course," she agrees. She smiles, now feeling a little more comfortable on the safe side of all the lines she's drawn through their friendship and through the space around her. "You shall have final say."
"That's all I ask," he says simply. He flips her hand over and kisses the back of it before she bounces off, issuing a small wave to Blaine.
Blaine looks over at Kurt. "You are a horrible interloper."
Kurt sighs as the last of Rachel's skirt disappears out the coffee shop door. "Well honey, they need me to be. You saw the mess that happened after I left."
"You are a horribly conceited interloper," Blaine adjusts with a smile, taking the sting out of the words.
"Just call me a matchmaker. Mark my words: now that they've given me something to work with, they'll be back together by Nationals." He looks toward Blaine and drops the conspirator's smile from his face. "I just hope Finn doesn't kill Jesse at prom."
"I seem to remember you saying something about interfering in their relationship before and it not going so well," Blaine says. He puts his elbow on the table and then leans his face into his palm so he can face Kurt.
"Well, my aim was different then. This time…well, now I think I'm pro-Finchel."
"What does that even mean?" Blaine asks, his confusion and maybe slight distaste spread on his face.
"Finchel is a portmanteau of their names," Kurt explains. "That's what glee called them when they were a couple."
"Well that's kind of ridiculous." Blaine says slowly, but his eyebrows dent in concentration anyway. "What do they call us?"
"Hmm. I don't know," he started. "Finn started calling him and me 'Furt' after the wedding. I think that was the last new one I heard before I left."
"Well…so are you turning it into Furtchel?" Blaine asks. "I mean…you really think you want to meddle here? Did you see her face? It looked like you slapped her when you said she was hurting him."
Kurt nods and a smile spreads across his face. "I think they already did it for me. But really… Furtchel is just going to lead to Finchel. I'm going to make sure of it."