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Maura was awakened by the hiss of the ventilator, vaguely aware of a cramp that had taken up residence in her neck. Cervical radiculopathy, she ascertained. Two solid days in a hospital room, sleeping in a chair, eating vending machine food will have that effect on you. Her clothes were dried and stiff and reeked of river water. Her hair was matted and her makeup was smeared across her face. She knew that she desperately needed a shower, but she had no plans of leaving Jane's side. Her hands firmly ensconced Jane's while her eyes searched Jane's face for any sign of movement.
48 hours and still no improvement. Two whole days and still no sign that Jane was any closer to returning to her. Maura had prayed, begged, bargained, and pleaded with a God she hoped existed. "Please don't take her from me. I would do anything, give up anything. I can't bear to think of a life without her."
She closes her eyes to replay the events over again. What she wouldn't give to be able to change the narrative. Maura realized after the fact that the feeling of dread she had as they ascended upon that bridge was what Jane referred to as a "gut instinct." Maura had pleaded with Jane to not step over the railing. Instead, Jane jumped headfirst into another life-altering situation with disregard for all of the people in her life that loved her. Maura watched as she felt Jane slipping through her fingers, her blood humming through her veins as she screamed Jane's name over and over and over, never taking her eyes off the murky water lurking below.
The murky water she pulled Jane's lifeless body from. Maura felt as if she was having an out-of-body experience as she compressed Jane's chest and breathed life into her limp body.
Maura begged Jane that first night in the hospital, "Please stay. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me here alone." She had whispered these words over and over; desperate for any sign that Jane could hear her and comprehend her pleas. Maura had cried until she thought she had no tears left, the tears streaming hot paths down her freckled cheeks. She had raged with Angela for the stupidity of Jane's actions, exchanging hugs and sharing in each other's pain. Then, alone with Jane in the darkness of night, she marveled at just how brave Jane was. Maura wanted to deny the length of time Jane had spent in that filthy river. Deep down she knew that there was a very real possibility that she would never wake up. She just refused to accept it.
Maura wondered if Jane had heard her screaming her name. Maura wondered if Jane knew, in that moment as she plunged toward the river, how deeply Maura loved her. It was in the way her throat constricted as Jane took one long leg and swung it over the railing. It was in the way her knees weakened when Jane reached out to steady herself. How her heartbeat quickened as she strained to hear every word Jane said, trying to coax a hysterical man out of his suicide mission. Snippets of the conversation Jane was having on that bridge floated back to her. "I think you loved her more than anything, and I think that's why you were so conflicted about what to do." Maura gently removed her hands from Jane's and leaned back in the uncomfortable hospital chair, stretching and taking in her surroundings for what seemed like the thousandth time. Maura closed her eyes and imagined that Jane had chosen those words for her; just with her in mind.
Maura leaned in and ran her fingertips along Jane's arm, reveling in the warmth and softness of her skin, and for a fleeting second she let her thoughts overtake her. Jack had rushed to the hospital, wanting to comfort her. His mere presence made Maura nauseous. She hadn't missed the inquisitive expression on Angela's face as she shrugged out of his embrace. She had sent him away, dismissed him, actually, with the promise that she would update him. But she hadn't, and she found she had no desire to divide her attention at this time. Under any other circumstance, Maura would have welcomed Jack as a distraction. She cursed herself silently, berated herself for spending so much time with him lately. The nights she spent with him were nights she could have spent with Jane, fighting over the remote control, eating take out, and finally curling up in bed together.
"I can't give you any more nights flipping through catalogues and Indian food…." Maura contemplated those words Jane spoke before she jumped, thinking once again that she had chosen them with her in mind. Maura's sob tore through the room, rippling through her rib cage, shattering the silence of the room. She climbed up into the bed and laid her cheek on Jane's shoulder. Her body molded alongside of Jane's, and she let the fear and tension dissolve from her body with every heave and shudder. She fisted the scratchy blanket and resisted the urge to rip it off Jane's form and scream at her to wake up, to shake her awake by her shoulders. She couldn't control her sobs as they overtook her frame, and she succumbed to them, feeling the pulsating throb in her temple. She knew she would have a splitting headache after crying this hard, but it would be nothing compared to the pain of a broken heart. She cried herself to sleep again that night, grasping onto Jane's hand for dear life.
Her last memory was the look on Maura's face as she begged her to step back over the railing of that bridge. Jane tried to remember what happened after that. She tried to focus on the concern etched on her best friend's face. The way her brow furrowed when she was uncertain, the fear shining in her eyes, the flush that crept up her chest and into her face as she tried to control her panic. Jane's limbs felt heavy and she struggled to take a deep breath, but she was incapable of swallowing. She could feel a tube in her throat and the more she focused on it, the more abrupt the pain was. She forced herself to relax, trying to focus all her will on opening her eyes. Where am I?
From somewhere nearby, she heard a gut wrenching sob. Jane had heard that sound twice before, and she recognized it immediately. It was a sound that both crushed her spirit and rendered her helpless, yet propelled her into a mode of protection at the same time. Maura. There was nothing in the world that upset Jane more than hearing Maura cry. She felt something settle in next to her body, warm and soft, felt the dampness on her shoulder and neck, the weight of something across her stomach and her hand being clenched tightly. Why can't I wake up?
The first time Jane remembered hearing that sound was when she shot herself. She could hear the tell tale click of Maura's heels approaching and she heard Maura screaming out for her. She could taste Maura's tears as Maura applied pressure to her gaping wound. The second time was when Hoyt tried to kill them. She could see Maura trying to hold it together, until Hoyt tasered her and ran the scalpel across her neck, crimson blood spilling out onto her collared shirt.
Jane promised Maura that night that she would never put her in another situation like that. She had promised to protect her.
But she had broken that promise when she stepped over that railing. She had failed to protect Maura; she had let her down. She had to wake up, had to comfort Maura. I've hurt her. She's crying because of me. Why can't I open my eyes?
When Korsak opened the glass door to Jane's room, he was shocked by what he saw. He expected to see her tucked neatly into the hospital bed, the mechanical ventilator pumping oxygen into Jane's lungs. What he had not anticipated was one Maura Isles, crumpled over Jane's form in her hospital bed, wearing the same clothes she had on three days ago, her normally perfectly coifed hair disheveled and filthy, eye makeup smeared all across her face and looking like someone had taken all of the life out of her body. He noticed that a bag of her belongings, packed by Angela with care, was untouched yet carefully perched on the cot set up on the other side of the room. The cot was also untouched; not once used for sleep. He sat in the chair next to the bedside until Maura woke up.
Maura was startled when she realized Korsak was in the room and hopped out of the bed with a start, her eyes cast downward and shame etched across her face. She leaned against the bed, shoulders slumped forward. Korsak had witnessed the girls' battle through their fair share of life-altering moments, but this was the first time he felt like one of them was quickly approaching the brink of losing their sanity.
Korsak leaned down and placed a kiss to Maura's temple, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Maura, I think it's time for you to go home and get some rest."
He was looking at Jane but could see Maura's head moving back and forth. "I'm not leaving her, Sergeant."
Korsak was slightly taken aback that Maura had spoken with such fervor, the state of her mind clearly not matching her aesthetic impression. "I didn't ask the first time, Maura." Sgt. Korsak didn't want to resort to forcibly removing her, but he did not feel like her continuing to sit by Jane's beside all day and night was healthy. Everyone has a breaking point, and he wasn't going to side idly by and watch Maura's take her under.
"Maura, you are going to promise Jane that you will be back soon, gather your things, and then I am going to drive you home. When you get home you are going to shower, eat and spend some time collecting yourself. When you've rested, I'm a phone call away. I will pick you up and bring you straight back here." Korsak held Maura's glare and though he could normally be swayed by her scrutiny, he found himself immovable.
Maura held his glare and prepared the same drawn out speech she had given Angela. "I am not leaving her, Vince. I think I made myself clear the first time I declined your request."
"Maura, I swear to God that I will pick you up and carry you all the way to my car kicking and screaming if I have to. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror in the past few days? You look like hell. I barely recognized you. And when Jane wakes up, how do you think this will affect her? Seeing you on the brink of... "He stopped and sighed, gathering his thoughts. "She wouldn't want this for you, Maura." Korsak kneeled down so he was eye level with her.
"I'm sorry my appearance isn't pleasing to you, Sergeant. My priorities have been elsewhere." Maura's cold words didn't faze him.
He chuckled as Maura's face flushed and she avoided his gaze. He grabbed one of her hands and squeezed it. "Jane wouldn't want this to consume you. This isn't how you prove to someone that you love them; forgetting to take care of yourself. Her physicians are looking out for her. Who is looking out for you?"
Maura's eyes snapped to Vince's and she felt like her soul had been ripped wide open. "No one now," Maura thought sadly to herself. She sat for a few seconds, minutes maybe, and then she slowly rose. She leaned over and whispered something into Jane's ear, her hands balancing her weight on both sides of Jane's sleeping form. Vince watched as Maura looked upon Jane for a few seconds before placing a soft kiss on her forehead. She turned suddenly and grabbed her belongings from the unused cot. When she turned back to Vince, her eyes were shining with tears, and her feet propelled her forward towards the door.
He opened his mouth, but thought better of it as he ushered Maura out into the hallway of the ICU. The bright fluorescent lights instantly hurt her eyes as she adjusted to the onslaught of life outside of the hospital room. She felt like she had been sucked into a vortex where she had lost all sense of time and space. She had so many conflicting emotions and coupled with the exhaustion, she knew that Vince had her best interest at heart. As she settled into Korsak's cruiser and fastened her seatbelt, she finally exhaled a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
They rode in silence for some time before Korsak switched on the radio. A few familiar, stray notes at the beginning of the song drew her in. The voice was bittersweet, haunted, and Maura felt herself drawn into the soulful crescendoed melody.
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
As the chorus built, Maura found herself weeping quietly, staring out of the car window as they navigated through the streets of Boston. She swiped at the first few tears as they fell, but soon thereafter, she didn't bother to wipe them away at all. She clasped her hands together in her lap, her silent sobs shaking her shoulders. A hand reached down into hers and placed a handkerchief in her palm. While she couldn't find the words, Maura knew in this moment how grateful she was to have Vince Korsak in her life. She continued to weep silently, only sniffles audible.
I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human
I can take so much
'Till I've had enough
Maura closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing pattern as the cruiser pulled up in front of her house. She was dangerously close to falling completely apart and it took all the strength she had left to extricate herself from the unmarked car. She smiled weakly. "Thank you, Vince. I'll call you soon." It felt inadequate, but it was all she could muster.
She barely made it past the living room and into the kitchen before she crumpled to her knees. Pictures of the two of them were everywhere. She couldn't get away from it; she couldn't get a reprieve. She just wanted to not be reminded, every turn she made, that the love of her life was trying to cheat death, again. This isn't just my house anymore. This is our house. There isn't a single room in this house where we don't have memories.
"I can't do this anymore!" Maura screamed. "I can't live like this!" She picked up a framed picture of the two of them sharing the same bench in a booth at the Dirty Robber. Maura was smiling and looking directly at the camera, but Jane was smiling at Maura, those dimples Maura loved so much on full display. She felt some sadness leave her as her mind flitted back to that night and how happy they were. How absolutely head over heels in love she was with Jane. And the realization came to her that with every passing day, the chances of ever being able to have that love returned diminished. It was too much for Maura to contain, and her sorrow turned into anger. Instinctively, Maura's rage kicked in and she threw the framed picture across the room, where it slammed into the wall and the glass shattered. She picked up two more framed pictures, hurling them across the room, listening and briefly gaining pleasure from the physical sound of the shattering glass.
"Just like my life," she laughed bitterly, "shattering all around me and I have no control over any of it."
The side door flung open and Angela came barreling in with an old Louisville Slugger raised above her head. When Angela saw Maura crumpled on the floor, laughing hysterically, she dropped the bat and rushed to her side.
"Maura," Angela cried, "I was on my way back to the hospital when I heard screaming… what is happening? What was all that noise? Has Jane…" She trailed off, her eyes searching Maura's for answers, when her eyes widened in horror at the mess in Maura's living room.
"No, no, no…" Maura allowed Angela to briefly encircle her in a hug, but then became immediately self conscious when she realized it was the closest she'd been to another conscious human being for three days.
Maura withdrew, as she used to do with physical touch, to Angela's disdain. "I really need to shower, spend some time alone… Sgt. Korsak was right; I really need to process everything that has happened." Angela nodded slowly, watching Maura walk in the direction of the stairs.
"Maura?" Angela's voice sounded so small, so wounded.
When Maura turned around, Angela had picked up two of the pictures she had thrown. Angela held them up, tears shining in her eyes. "Honey, what is happening here? You aren't... giving up on Jane, are you?" From clear across the room, Maura could see the hurt and pain in Angela's eyes.
Maura's shoulders slumped forward, and she worried at her bottom lip. Angela knew that Maura couldn't lie. "I'm not giving up on her. I could never...I just, I can't..."
Maura took a deep breath and steadied herself, knowing that Angela wouldn't be appeased until she knew exactly what was going on. "Can you please make us some tea, let me clean up, and then we'll sit down and really talk, okay?"
Angela nodded and instinctively went about cleaning up the mess Maura had created while she showered. Angela picked up each shard of glass and wood that she could find, and she ran her fingers over the cracks and holes in the wall. Angela absentmindedly shook her head as her eyes flickered back to one of the pictures she was holding. A picture of the two girls last Christmas, arms encircling each other and their cheeks pressed tightly together.
"I've never seen Jane that happy with anyone else," Angela pondered. "Why do they keep fighting it?"
As Maura showered, washing away the stench of river water and the antiseptic smell of the hospital, she finally felt a little more like herself. As she wandered into her walk-in closet, she noticed an old Red Sox t-shirt hanging in the back corner on Jane's side. She rubbed her temples and shook her head. Jane's side. Of her closet, of her bathroom counter, of her bed. Jane was everywhere. Everything in Maura's life revolved around a woman who didn't know how deeply she was loved, who continued to put Maura last in a long line of life threatening circumstances. Maura had been in denial for some time, but even this was too much for her to ignore. She stared at herself in her full length mirror, not recognizing herself with the dark circles under her eyes, her hollowed cheeks, and the way her shoulders sagged.
Maura heard a knock on her closet door and she turned to see Angela carrying two mugs of steaming tea. Maura motioned Angela in as she plopped down right in the middle of her closet. Angela hovered outside of the door and ultimately decided to join Maura. She passed both mugs off to Maura as she situated herself, both women facing the full length mirror. Angela took in Maura's features and her body language. Angela knew this look; Maura had been defeated, she had finally broken. Jane's reckless ways had finally made Maura hit her breaking point. Angela panicked, desperately trying to salvage what she could of the situation.
"I always knew that this would happen," Angela confided softly.
Maura met Angela's eyes, and her head tilted, as if to say, "What?"
"I always knew Jane would wind up losing you." Angela sighed quietly, and Maura drew back, the expression on her face priceless.
"Angela, I'm not...quite… wait, what?" Maura knew she was sleep deprived, but she was clueless as to where this conversation was headed.
"Maura, it has always been very obvious that what the two of you share far surpasses friendship. Call it what you want, label it however, but that kind of friendship and intimacy is generally reserved for relationships. I know my Janie, I know she thinks I'm so clueless and old fashioned but I knew. I know. She loves you, Maura. She always has." Maura felt tears pricking her eyes and she wrapped both hands around the steaming mug, drawing comfort from the heat.
Angela continued, "I know you've been through a lot together. Most other relationships would never have made it this far. Let's face it, Maura, Jane practically lives here with you. She has clothes in your closet, her favorite beer in your fridge… you share more than friendship, you share your lives, and I'm scared, Maura. I'm scared for you."
Angela reached out and grabbed Maura's hand, grasping it and Maura heard Angela's voice crack. "I'm scared that when Jane wakes up, the fear of losing her has been too great for you, your feelings too much to sacrifice, and that she'll go the rest of her life never knowing what it means to be the love of someone's life; what it means to be truly happy. What it means to be true to herself."
Maura cleared her throat, pushing her hair off her forehead. "I have loved Jane for so long… is it even possible to just stop loving someone?" Maura looked sideways at Angela, but the woman was gazing back at Maura in the mirror. Maura lifted her head and met Angela's gaze. "That's the first time I've ever admitted that out loud to someone." Maura held Angela's gaze, which prompted her to continue.
"I look at Jane sometimes and I see her looking back at me and I think, how can she not know? But then there never seems like an appropriate time to admit my feelings for her, then things like this happen and I wonder, has she ever felt the same way? You're right, I don't know how many more times I can sit by and watch her sacrifice her life and… I just can't, Angela. It's all become too much."
Angela reached out and took Maura's hand, enclosing it with her own. "What are you afraid of, Maura?"
Maura's eyes met Angela's in the mirror and she absentmindedly reached up and pushed a strand of wet hair out of her eyes. "Losing her before I've ever really had a chance to love her," she replied simply.
"Then when Jane wakes up, you have to tell her. If you don't tell her, you'll never know what could have been." Angela pushed herself up off the floor and gathered herself before pausing in the doorway. "I know that unrequited love can be painful, Maura, but so is living with regret. It isn't something I want for Jane. Or you." She bent down and placed a kiss to Maura's head and then quietly exited the closet, leaving Maura alone with her thoughts.
Maura pushed the exhaustion down and rose gingerly from the floor, her body aching and screaming at her to just sleep. But she had a spurt of emotional strength, and she didn't want to waste it. She immediately called Vince to come back and pick her up, which took a certain amount of convincing. She could feel the rash breaking out as she assured him she would use to cot to sleep. She threw an overnight bag together and dressed hurriedly.
Jane's words of comfort on that bridge replayed in her mind as she hurried around the house. "I know that you think your life is over and maybe I can't change your mind about that." Could those words have been directed at me? Maura couldn't help hoping against hope that their life together wasn't over, but just beginning.
All day long in the hospital, people had come and gone. Now, Maura bustled around Jane's hospital room, replacing flowers and straightening up, processing all of the information she had just taken in not too long ago. Angela had been overwhelmed with all of the medical jargon and had left with a promise to return later with dinner for Maura. Maura was amazed at how stable Jane had remained as they worked to wean her off the ventilator. All her CT scans were fairly normal and soon they would be bringing her out of her induced coma in an attempt to see how badly the near drowning had damaged her lungs. Maura's heart leapt when she read the neurology report. Negative for intracranial bleeding, intracranial pressure was normal, and the EEG showed brain activity.
The late afternoon sunlight was streaming in through the windows, light illuminating Jane's form in the bed. Her dark hair still riotous even in slumber and her normally olive skin more pale than she had ever seen. Maura couldn't wait until she could finally see Jane's lips, upturned, and those dimples, evidence that this last flirtation with death hadn't taken Jane away from her. Maura decided in that moment that she had never seen someone more beautiful in all her life. She couldn't keep herself away any longer, her body moving toward Jane on its own volition. She climbed right into bed with her, being cautious not to disturb any of the machines. Maura tried to suppress all the still possible side effects associated with near drowning, instead choosing to focus on the strong heartbeat sounding through the room.
"I love to hear the sound of your heart beating." Maura admitted shyly. "It reminds me of how strong you are. So much stronger than I could ever be." Maura glanced around to ensure that they were still alone. It was going to be difficult enough to get all of this out, and she did not want to be interrupted. She was propped up on her side, one hand tucked behind the nape of her neck, the other randomly separating Jane's curls.
"I remember the first time we met," Maura chuckled to herself, then turned serious. "I had no idea that you were going to turn my life upside down."
Maura searched Jane's face for any sign that she could hear her. Nothing. Maura took a deep breath and continued, going in for it all. "I broke up with Jack." It wouldn't have been noticeable to a lay person, but Maura could hear Jane's heartbeat quicken. Maura pressed on.
"I never imagined when I met you that everything else would just be background noise. But that's the way I feel when I'm with you, Jane. That's the way you make me feel, like I'm the most important person in the world, in your world." Maura paused momentarily, wiping away a stray tear. She was proud of herself for finally being able to get these omissions off her chest, and it gave her a sense of renewed strength.
"I have thought about all the different scenarios that would propel me to finally admit my feelings for you, but not one of the scenarios ever looked like this. I hate that it's taken this act to finally force me to admit that to you… that it took me almost losing you again to realize… I can't live without you, I don't want to. I want to wake up with you every morning, and I want to go to bed with you at night. In our bed. I want to argue about whether we're going to run or go to a yoga class, whether we're going to have salad with our take out. I want dates on Friday nights. I want so many things with you. I want to be able to yell and fight, and then spend the whole day in bed making up. I just want you. I've always wanted only you." Maura could hear Jane's heartbeat quicken and her blood pressure was slightly elevated.
Maura knew that Jane could hear her. She gently took Jane's hand in hers, interlocking their fingers, and leaned in close to her ear, laying her head against Jane's clavicle. "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much. Please come back to me."
Maura closed her eyes and let the strong beat of Jane's heart lull her into sleep. Maura slept deeply until Angela burst back into the room, sometime after dark, with dinner.
"My girls," Angela gushed, pausing briefly in the doorway. Dark curls spread across a pillow, blonde hair splayed across Jane's chest and Maura's hands intertwined with Jane's. Angela had been so concerned about Maura's state of mind and she briefly felt terrible for interrupting Maura's nap. It was obvious that she hadn't been sleeping since the incident. Angela brushed tears off her cheeks, then placed her hand on Maura's shoulder, gently prodding her awake.
Maura stood up and stretched, immediately missing the warmth and comfort of Jane's body. She rubbed her hands across her eyes, trying to acclimate herself to the fluorescent light Angela had turned on when she entered the room.
"How is she?" Angela asked, eternally grateful that Jane had someone like Maura to look out for her. Having Maura, who understood everything that was happening in Jane's body and who explained things so patiently to Angela, was the only thing keeping Angela grounded at this time. She had no idea how she would be able to cope with this if it weren't for Maura and her vast knowledge in medicine.
"She's doing much better," Maura stated matter of factly. "They're weaning her off her medications and by tomorrow she'll be off the vent. She should be waking up very soon."
Angela buzzed around the room, laying out Maura's meal and fussing over her to eat. Maura gratefully sat down next to Angela and surveyed the meal laid out before her.
"You did not have to go through so much trouble, Angela." Maura could feel Angela's gaze on her.
"I don't know what I would do without you, Maura. You're the only reason I haven't lost my mind." Angela had a faraway look in her eyes and Maura placed her hand on top of Angela's, quietly urging her to continue. "When Frank left me, my life was turned upside down. If it hadn't been for you, for your generosity... I want you to know that I consider you a daughter. You are part of our family. You will always be part of our family."
Maura's eyes welled up with tears, and she didn't bother to wipe them away. "I have wanted for so long to belong somewhere, with people who knew me and loved me for who I am. Thank you doesn't seem sufficient." She smiled her megawatt smile at Angela.
Angela embraced Maura and Maura hugged her back, reveling in the contact from another human. Maura knew that in this minute, she and Angela were terrified of the same thing, but they didn't have to verbalize it. Just being each other's company was enough comfort, and they ate the rest of their meal in companionable silence. After dinner, they both took seats on opposite sides of Jane's bed and shared stories until the early hours of the morning.
The door to Jane's hospital room opened, and in came a Specialist and a flurry of his fellows. Maura hurled herself out of the hospital bed, her muscles aching and protesting with each movement. Angela was sprawled across the cot, and sprang up at the voices of the physicians filling the room.
"Good morning, Dr. Isles, Ms. Rizzoli." Dr. Quinn nodded at both women before moving immediately to examine Jane.
"Good morning, Dr. Quinn." Maura couldn't prevent her heart from leaping into her throat.
"I'm going to ask you ladies to please leave the room for a while. We're going to remove Ms. Rizzoli from the ventilator and monitor her progress. If you could please move to the waiting room, we'll have a nurse give you updates on her progress from having the vent removed. We'll be weaning her off her sedation today as well. We expect her to regain consciousness by this afternoon." Dr. Quinn had already busied himself with giving orders to the attending physicians in the room.
Maura and Angela gathered their things and left the room quietly, with Maura glancing back at Jane's still form laying in the bed. The clock on the waiting room wall read 8:05 am. Maura paced every inch of the waiting room and the hallways that connected to it. Angela sat, stoic in a chair, accompanied now by Frankie, Tommy and Korsak. Maura glanced back up at the clock. 10:00 am.
Maura was surrounded by her friends, her chosen family, yet she still had the feeling something was missing.
Frost.
She leaned back against the wall as she felt the tremors start to move through her body and rise up through her chest. He always knew what to say to calm her. She tried to steady her breathing, then glanced back up at the clock. 11:40 am. What is taking so long? As she moved to approach the nurse's station, she saw Dr. Quinn walking towards her from the direction of Jane's room, a smile on his face. Maura's trepidation melted instantly and she motioned to Angela and the others.
"Ms. Rizzoli? Dr. Isles? Jane is breathing on her own. She isn't awake yet, but she's stable and doing better than we expected. You may go in to see her, but try to limit it to two people at a time." Everyone let out a deep breath, and held a mini celebration. Maura and Angela exchanged a quick, tight hug and Korsak and the boys exchanged handshakes.
Dr. Quinn turned back to the group, smiling, but addressed only Maura. "Dr. Isles?"
Maura turned to look at him, continuing to hold Angela by her elbows. "Yes, Doctor?"
"I wanted to tell you that all your efforts that night… they saved her life. I know it's been a rough week, but I thought I should congratulate you on a job well done." Dr. Quinn shook Maura's hand and turned away from them, disappearing down the corridor of the hospital.
Maura stood there, dumbfounded, while Angela flung her arms around Maura's neck and cried. "You saved her, Maura. If it weren't for you…" Maura limply draped her arms around Angela's waist.
Frankie and Tommy went in first, spending a few minutes, then Korsak took his turn, and to Maura's surprise, with Angela. A short while later, Korsak and Angela returned to the waiting room and announced that they were going to lunch. Maura looked at Angela, head cocked and a frown gracing her features.
Angela grasped Maura's wrist and winked, bending over and placing a kiss to her forehead. "It's really only fitting that when she wakes up, you're there with her. She would want it that way."
Maura stood up and pulled her shoulders back, mentally trying to prepare herself for what would happen when Jane woke up.
"Don't forget what we talked about." Angela called over her shoulder, startling Maura and pulling her out of her own thoughts.
Maura walked down the corridor and into Jane's hospital room, sighing happily at the sound of Jane's self-taken breaths. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully, but Maura noticed that her position had changed. She watched Jane's face for any sign that she may be coming out of the induced coma, but Jane's features were relaxed and her breathing was deep and measured. Maura opened the curtains to the room to let a little natural light in. She turned off the fluorescent overhead lights and made her way to Jane's bed, sitting on the side. Jane's arms were draped across her belly, but her head was tilted to the side and her hair was in her face. Maura brushed an unruly curl off her forehead when she noticed how chapped Jane's lips were.
Maura retrieved her lip balm and had carefully applied generous amounts to Jane's lips when she heard a sigh escape. She pulled her hand back; her fingertips were hovering over Jane's lips and she only wanted another reason to reach out and play with fire. She couldn't help reaching out to trace Jane's jaw line, down her neck and across her pulse point. She heard another gasp escape Jane's lips, but her eyes were still closed, her breathing pattern a little shallow. Maura placed her hand to Jane's cheek, stroking outward towards her ear, when she saw Jane's eyelids start to flutter.
Deep brown eyes, unfocused, blinking, straining to make sense of their surroundings when everything came into focus. Brown eyes recognizing hazel eyes, imploring and concerned. Jane's hand found her way to cover Maura's on her face, gazes locked, and the raw emotion etched on Maura's face spoke volumes to Jane. As both of the women opened their mouths at the same time to speak, the door to the room swung open. Dr. Quinn strolled in the room, pleased to see Jane awake.
Maura bit the inside of her cheek and gritted her teeth. "It's only been years," she thought bitterly to herself, "What's another five minutes?"
Dr. Quinn put Jane through the paces, giving her a thorough once over and finally allowing her small sips of water. "Your throat is going to hurt for days; that's just a side effect of the vent. Slowly but surely is the name of the game," Dr. Quinn turned to leave the room, then turned back to Jane. "If it weren't for Dr. Isles, Jane... I don't think your prognosis would be as positive."
Maura ducked her head, hair hanging down in front of her face, and Jane was able to see how clearly embarrassed she was at the attention. Jane patted the bed beside her, and Maura made her way to sit down after the doctors had exited the room.
"Hey, you." Jane said, and immediately took Maura's hand in her own.
"Hi," Maura whispered, her bottom lip trembling and bright tears in her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks.
"Maura, I can't thank you enough." Maura looked up at Jane, and whatever resolve she had dissolved. Maura buried her head in the crook of Jane's neck and sobbed, letting go of her biggest fear, breathing Jane in and allowing her arms to comfort and calm her fears.
Jane could only hold Maura close and tight, and she smoothed her hair as the sobs diminished. When Maura finally pulled away, Jane could see the small lines evident in her face and the dark circles under her eyes, the telltale signs that Maura was hurting. Jane reached up and brushed a stray tear away with her thumb, her fingers grazing Maura's neck. She drew her hand back quickly, feeling the spark of energy between them, and then quickly mourned the loss of contact with Maura's soft skin.
"It's ok," Jane reassured her. "I'm here."
Maura rose from the bed, crossing her arms protectively, and facing towards the window, back to Jane. "It's not ok, Jane. I'm not ok."
Jane rubbed her eyes, clearing her head. "I never meant to scare you."
"Scare me? Is that all you think this did?" Maura turned around and Jane could see the anger boiling beneath her normally reserved surface. "That doesn't even scratch the surface, Jane."
Jane swallowed and winced, acutely aware of each labored breath she was suddenly taking. "Please don't do this."
"I watched you jump into that water, after I begged and pleaded with you to not cross over that ledge. It all just fell on deaf ears. Nothing I said, nothing I could have done would have mattered." Maura pointed her finger at Jane, inching closer to the bed with every word spoken. "You were going to do what you wanted, to hell with anyone else's feelings. You are so damn wreckless, Jane. God, you are just infuriating!" Jane's eyes widened as Maura's voice rose while she paced, wringing her hands, her normally calm demeanor replaced by barely contained rage. Jane couldn't remember a time she had seen Maura this angry. She didn't like being on the receiving end of it.
"When I finally pulled you from the water, your lips were blue. You barely had a pulse. I had to breathe for you, and with every breath I was hoping, praying, begging and pleading for you not to die. Did you know that? Could you hear me? I wasn't just scared, Jane. I was devastated. Absolutely terrified. All I could think was, what if?" Maura's eyes finally met Jane's and Jane could see Maura's bottom lip quiver. Jane could feel all her apprehension starting to surface, threatening to break her resolve.
"I… I don't. No. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you-" Jane started, but was interrupted by Maura.
"Are you really? Are you sorry that I'm angry, or sorry that you damn near managed to kill yourself? Tell me, Jane, what exactly are you sorry for?" Maura finally made her way over to the bed and sat down gingerly on the edge, as far away from Jane as she could so she wasn't tempted to reach out and touch her.
Jane wanted desperately to touch Maura, to hold onto her, because everything was starting to close in around her and she needed her lifeline. She could see that Maura was pushing her away, one foot out the door and she panicked. "Do something, say something, anything!" her mind screamed at her. Anything to make her smile so all is right in the world.
She looked Maura square in the eye, "I'm sorry I terrified you, that for a second you thought I was going to die. I'm sorry that you had to go through any of this. But mostly, I'm sorry you had to go through it alone. I promised you I would protect you and I'm sorry that I let you down." Maura could hear Jane's voice break.
"Alone." The word reverberated through Maura's mind, bouncing around, and she dropped her chin to her chest. "All my life I've been accustomed to being alone… 'till you." Maura whispered. Maura looked up at the ceiling, and she scooted closer to her, placing her hand on the blanket over Jane's leg. "I don't want to be alone anymore, Jane. I don't ever want to feel that lonely again."
"Have you been lonely? Where's Jack? Ma?" Maura shook her head, biting on her thumbnail, still avoiding Jane's gaze.
"I didn't want them." Jane sat straight up in the bed, reaching out to take Maura's hand, pulling Maura closer to her. Jane's heart was so full, she thought it was just going to burst. "I just wanted you. I only want you."
Jane let out a ragged breath, one she didn't know she had been holding. She tugged Maura to lie down next to her, stretching out beside her. Maura's head on Jane's chest, one leg over Jane's, hand thrown protectively across Jane's waist. For a while, Jane held Maura as close as she would let her, breathing in the scent of her hair and perfume, running her hand through her curls. Neither one spoke, and all Maura could hear was the steady beat of Jane's heart on the monitor.
"I'm sorry," Jane said finally breaking the silence, and Maura propped herself up on one elbow to watch a lonely tear trail down Jane's cheek. Jane was looking up at the ceiling, dark eyes searching for words to console.
Maura started to extricate herself from Jane's grasp, but Jane wouldn't let her pull away. "Jane, please let me go." Maura could feel the panic start to overwhelm her. Why is Jane apologizing? "She obviously doesn't feel the same way. Is it possible to go back to just being friends?" Maura's brain was overwhelming her, and being in such close proximity to Jane was literally driving her crazy.
Jane tightened her grip around Maura's side and held her in place. "How long have you felt this way?" I'll never let you go, Maura. Ever again.
Maura's throat constricted and she shook her head, eyes brimming with tears. "Since you shot yourself." Maura allowed the tears to fall. "I wanted to be mad, I wanted to hate you, but I just couldn't. I had no control over the situation. But this, this was so different. I begged you not to step over that ledge. You had a choice to make and you hesitated, contemplating my pleas, but you did it anyway, and then when he jumped, you jumped after him! I couldn't see you in that water, I couldn't find you. How could you do that to me?" Maura felt Jane's hands tighten around her waist, hugging Maura to her.
Jane's mind raced with thoughts, so many in such rapid succession, and she knew saying the wrong thing could break this whole situation. "If you felt… why didn't you… why Jack?"
Maura was stunned. She pulled back from Jane, out of her embrace and pushed herself up off the bed. She resumed her pacing, twisting her ring around her finger until she could find the words. She shrugged and finally threw her hands up in the air, laughing dryly. "I needed to feel something other than the ache of disappointment, Jane. I needed a reprieve from my fantasies that this was ever going to be a reality. I wanted, I needed to think about somebody other than you."
"Korsak made me leave you after two solid days of sitting in that chair," Maura spat out. "I would never have left your side, you know that? I would have lost myself in you. I looked like hell. I hadn't bathed, eaten, barely slept. It's never been about Jack, it's never been about any of the men that have come and gone since we became friends. It's been about trying to distract myself from this overwhelming urge. Everything in my routine from morning to night has pieces of you in it. No matter where I go or what I do, you're always there with me. Invading my thoughts, consuming me. When you jumped off that bridge, it was like someone ripped my heart from my body. I couldn't function without you. Do you know how painful it is to live that every damn day?"
"Could you just… stop this? Do you want to forget about me?" Jane whispered, feeling like her heart was going to shatter into a million pieces.
"I think the better question is, do I need to?" Maura's chest felt like it was going to explode. She could feel her heart racing, and she reached out and steadied herself against the rail on Jane's bed. She bit her lip and looked away, out the window, part of her wishing that she was anywhere but in this hospital room.
She felt Jane's fingertips curl around her hand, interlocking their fingers together. She turned to see brown eyes, tears spilling out of them freely. "If you forgot me, Maura... it would destroy me. And no one but you could ever put the pieces back together. I want... I want an opportunity to think of you first, I want to know what loving and being loved in return feels like. Please don't give up on me. I can make this right." Jane was pleading, tears streaming down her face, her fingers pressing so hard against Maura's that it was nearly painful.
Maura sat down on the edge of the bed, fingertips wiping away flowing tears. "I can say there was a time, when you were with Casey, that I would have given most anything to have forgotten about you. I've tried to ignore these feelings, bury them deep…. but in reality, I could move across the globe, immerse myself in different cultures and surround myself with people all day and night, but not one of them could ever compare to you. To my heart, you're unforgettable."
Maura leaned over, one hand planted on the bed beside Jane's body and gently lifted her other hand to brush a lock of hair off Jane's cheek. She rested her forehead against Jane's and felt Jane's hand sliding into her hair at the nape of her neck. Jane's thumb brushed against the pulse point in her neck and she shivered. Maura's eyes fluttered shut and she felt Jane's eyelashes brush against her cheek.
At that moment, the door to the hospital room flew open and in walked Angela and Korsak.
"Janie! You're awake!" Angela exclaimed, rushing to her daughter's side to sweep her up into a hug. "Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're awake! Vince, isn't this amazing?"
Maura flew up off the edge of the hospital bed, almost knocking over the bedside tray and drawing unnecessary attention to herself. Jane had not bothered to hug Angela back, her eyes locked on Maura, desperately trying to read her facial expression.
Korsak could feel the tension between both women, their eyes never having left the other's to acknowledge their presence, and he shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "How could Angela not recognize that we just interrupted them?"
"Um, Angela...I think I misplaced my wallet." Maura glanced over at Korsak, her feet seemingly rooted to the floor, while he was making a big show of patting his pockets down.
"Korsak needs your help, Ma" Jane interjected, pushing Angela off the bed and toward Korsak.
Korsak took Angela's arm and urged her out of the room, not paying much attention to her ranting and raving. As the door latched behind them, a silence fell over the room. The tension disappeared with the company, and Maura soon found herself drawn back to the bed. She crawled up on the bed, pulling the covers up and sliding in next to Jane once again. She rested her head on Jane's shoulder, and Jane turned over on her side to pull Maura in flush against her. Jane rested her chin on top of Maura's head and placed a lingering kiss to her hair, reveling in the feel their bodies pressed up against each other.
"This won't be easy." Jane stated matter of factly. "I run and hide, and I don't like to talk about my feelings. Don't even get me started on Ma."
"Jane," Maura laughed lightly, "I've come to learn that nothing is ever easy with you," and she paused thoughtfully, "but I've decided it's worth the fight."
They fell into pensive silence for a while until Maura broke them both out of their reverie.
"How long for you?" Maura's voice was barely above a whisper.
"When Ian showed up." Jane bristled at the thought. "It took me about two minutes to figure out the reason why I hated him."
"Oh. Why?" Maura asked, intrigued.
"Because you referred to him as the love of your life," Jane replied quietly.
Maura's heart swelled, and the lump in her throat threatened to dissolve. "I was wrong about that. He wasn't the love of my life."
Jane placed her hand on Maura's cheek, tilted Maura's chin up to hers and caught her lips in a searing kiss, the other hand tugging at Maura's hair. Mouths parted and tongues dueled and danced and the kiss left both of them breathless, wanting more, but they both knew this wasn't the place or time. They forced themselves to slow down, and Jane clung to Maura long after the kiss was broken, bodies pressed flush against one another. They laid in silence until Maura turned over and scooted back into Jane, the familiar position comforting both women. Jane waited until Maura's breathing evened out, feeling the tension drain from her body as sleep pulled her in.
"Maura?" Jane whispered, unable to hold it in any longer.
"Hmm?" She murmured sleepily.
"Am I the love of your life?" Jane asked, trying her best to sound nonchalant.
Jane could imagine Maura's smile as she let out a giggle, then a contented sigh.
"And I'm the dumb genius?"
Jane poked a finger into Maura's ribs, eliciting a squirm and a laugh. Maura knew Jane was pouting behind her, and she briefly debated on making her suffer for an undetermined amount of time by pretending to be asleep, but ultimately decided against it.
"What do you think, Jane?"
"Well why the hell do you think I asked?" Jane responded, trying to sound serious but failing miserably as her smile stretched from ear to ear.
Maura giggled softly before turning serious. "The day I met you, I was struck by something so... powerful. At first, I didn't know what it was or why it was happening, but then I realized that it wasn't just me who was intrigued. Your presence in a room made everyone's head turn, of course, myself included. I was completely mesmerized by you," she laughed shyly, "I still am, everyday. You're tough, Jane. No-nonsense, powerful, intelligent, funny, and just so sweet. Your smile is brighter than the sun and your personality lights up a room. For these years that we've known each other, I see more of the real you every day and I allow you to see more of the real me. No one beside you has ever seen the real me, Jane. You're special to me. So special."
Maura hadn't realized in her verbalized stream of consciousness that her shoulder had started to dampen. She heard a sniffle from behind her and realized that it was from Jane's tears. Maura carefully turned in the bed toward Jane again and smiled, wiping the falling tears from her cheek.
"The powerful feeling I was struck by on the day I met you was love. You, Jane Rizzoli, have been the love of my life since that day, but at first, I didn't realize it. On the day you shot yourself, in that moment, I knew I couldn't live without you, and that's when I realized that you will forever be the only person I will ever love. You have completely captured my whole heart, Jane, and it will always be yours."
"I love you, too," Jane whispered, sniffling.
Jane pressed her lips to Maura's in a chaste kiss that ended too quickly for both of their liking, but they knew that they would have the rest of their lives to prove to each other just how strong their love is.