Smash Mansion Book Club
by Joeb
Disclaimer: If you don't want to be offended then drop this and pick up the New York Times, if you want blunt truth read this instead. Because... I'm well known for the truth...
"Ah it feels so nice to finally be here with you all!" Master Hand tried miserably to suck on a pipe.
"What kind of pipe? You didn't describe if it was a high grade Scandinavian Briar pipe, or if it was just some plumbing! You need more detail! You need more explanation! You need more exposition to define your character, like me!" Ness took an aggressive step forward in order to show his personality more clearly.
"Ah! You're quite right my good fellow! I should have given a much more clear definition of what it is I was trying to suck on. You see, I am miserably trying to suck on this pipe, but having no face, and therefore no mouth, it is quite difficult for me to do so. On a similar note, having no face, I also don't have any eyes, so I really don't know what it is I was trying to suck on, my good chap!" Master Hand set the pipe down and tried miserably to look Ness in the eyes.
"Let's let go of the pipe issue for now, what's important is that we're all here together now!" Peach closed her eyes and tilted her head. She tilted her head so far that it fell off and rolled down the stairs.
"You didn't describe whether the head was tilting to the left or the right, and so now I don't know in what direction the stairs could possibly be!" Ness whined assertively.
A loud crash followed by a scream came from down stairs.
"Who left this Peach head down here!" Captain Falcon shouted.
"Oh dear me not him!" Master Hand immediately hid his pipe. "We can't possibly be a decent community with people like him wandering around!"
"I'll take care of it!" Ness said, trying to find the stairs that hadn't been properly located in the description.
"Lets get on to business then" Master Hand tried to put on a serious face, but couldn't find one anywhere in his suitcase. "We, as a community, are quite better than those heathens who haven't come into our community!"
Everyone except for Peach gave a nod.
"When we do things, such as cleaning the dishes or watching TV, going to high school or racing around the world for no clear reason, it's quite interesting and funny!" Master Hand explained. "When we misspell simple words, repeat ourselves over and over, and make in jokes that only we can understand, it's brilliant!"
Everyone once again gave a nod.
"It seems that people like Luigi, and Captain Falcon..." Master Hand tried to shift his focus towards the stairs, but they weren't descriptive enough so he couldn't find them. "They do stupid overdone things, such as cleaning dishes that have already been cleaned, watching TV shows that are clearly rip-offs, going to high school or racing around the world for no clear reason when they've already done those things a million times and nobody is interested! They misspell simple words, they repeat themselves over and over, and they keep making stupid in jokes that nobody would understand!"
Everyone once again gave a nod.
Ness finally found the stairs, and headed down to get Captain Falcon out of the way.
"Now, granted, we haven't really done anything except for talk about the cool things we do for a while now," Master Hand went on. "But we remain secure, knowing that if we were to actually bother with doing things, we would do those things much better than Captain Falcon or Luigi!"
Everyone gave a nod, but as the saying goes: Four nods and your nipples explode. Everyone's nipples exploded.
"You know, not only have our nipples now exploded, but you haven't even properly described who we are and how we are placed in this room while we listen to you!" a non-described person said.
"Ah, you're quite right bottle of sleeping pills!" Master Hand responded.
Because sleeping pills can't be alive, Falco, who had now been described as sleeping pills, died.
"I can't believe those stupid masses, outside of this room in the Smash Mansion, that have turned our society into only 15% decent, as compared to the 80% amazingness it once was!" Fox shouted, ignoring the fact that his nipples were exploded and he was bleeding everywhere.
Fox then died because amazingness isn't a word... and because he had no tangible proof to back up those completely random statistics he had used.
In order to make more sense, and properly describe the room. They were in a study. There were many books towering above the Smashers on over sized bookcases. The stairs were to the left, Master Hand's left. Fox and Falco were lying dead on the floor. Peach's body was propped up against a lamp. Samus and Kirby were sitting on the couch, and Yoshi was standing right behind them.
"Now that we know, lets get to work on purifying this community!" Master Hand tried to lead the charge, but smashed into a bookcase. The bookcase fell over and crushed him. Blood got all over Yoshi as Master Hand died.
"I guess that will be his final smash!" Samus witted quite wittily.
They were ready. The Smash community was being corrupted, and it was up to these chosen few to cleanse it of the ignorance that was now so wide-spread.
"Let's do this!" Yoshi added. His addition wasn't that important, and went unappreciated. Yoshi is indeed a quite trite fellow.
Samus led the charge, with Kirby floating just behind her. Yoshi cautiously followed them.
As they reached the bottom of the stairs, and were right behind the door, they heard an eerie silence.
"That's confusing and unrealistic!" Samus was unable to comprehend.
Unrealistic or not the eerie silence was there. They all huddled together behind the door. Samus put her ear to it.
"There's nothing there!" Samus whispered, concerned.
"Then why are we waiting back here?" Kirby asked, and opened the door. He took a left into the hallway.
Samus and Yoshi chased after him. "What do you think you're doing!"
Kirby didn't know whether to acknowledge the statement or ignore it, depending on whether Samus or Yoshi had said that, but it was too late. A rusty nail fell from the ceiling and killed him.
"It's like they're trying to get us all!" Yoshi cried.
"Relax, Kirby always does that, Master Hand is an idiot, Fox and Falco were insane and were likely going to go off and die on us soon anyway, and there's always Ness" Samus said.
"Can't you see! Ness is dead! They're all dead!" Yoshi panicked himself into stage 4 cancer.
It was up to Samus now. She had to get to Ness. Yoshi was too sick to walk and would have to be left behind.
"Don't... leave... me!" Yoshi yelped, reaching out as Samus ran away.
"OK, where would Ness have taken Captain Falcon?" Samus thought aloud, wandering through the hallway. She couldn't leave. She was the only surviving member of the Smash Mansion book club. Without her the ignorance and stupidity of the community would reign supreme.
She decided to check the living room. There was a TV and an XBOX360 in there. The Smashers only played XBOX360, they thought the Wii was a stupid gimmicky attempt to get money. Samus thought this was foolish, and that the Wii was the better system, but having invested all her time and effort into the book club, she couldn't really buy a Wii.
As she walked into the room, she saw a horrific sight. Ness and Captain Falcon were playing Halo 3. Ness was enjoying himself!
"You bastard!" Samus screamed.
"Wait!" Ness fell from the couch. "I was only distracting his puny mind!"
"I saw you enjoying that!" Samus cried.
Ness sighed, pulled out a baseball bat, and beat Samus until her brain was leaking onto the floor.
"What was that all about?" Captain Falcon asked.
"Let me explain it to you, with lots of exposition, detail, breaking the fourth wall, and assertiveness!" Ness raised a fist in an assertive manner. "For a long time in our Smashing community, ever since we were first founded in fact, there has been a secret group called the Smash Mansion book club! It was a group that attempted to control how everybody thought. They claimed to only care about good writing, and intelligent behavior, but it was a lie. Whenever an opinion was brought up that wasn't theirs, they attacked it viciously, claiming it to be unoriginal and primitive. Even as they went to high school for no explained reason, or ran around the world for no explained reason, they looked down upon others for doing such things. They would often just sit around doing random things, but if other people sat around and did random things it was considered unmotivated and lacking plot! Eventually I got fed up with it, and plotted the destruction of them all! I used my powers of predicting people's actions to set up an elaborate trap that killed them all!"
Ness then, to fulfil his fourth wall promise, took a bulldozer and smashed through the fourth wall. The fourth wall was the only one doing any work, and the other three collapsed. The mansion collapsed, killing everyone inside, except for Ness. He escaped through a plot hole in the ground.
Ness looked back on the mansion, where he had spent so many of his years, and learned so much.
"Meh" Ness shrugged and headed down to the local Wal-Mart to torture some kittens.
Grr...
A less pointless likely much funner update to an existing story shall be made shortly...
Read and HATE... Read and Have A Thoughtful Experiance...