Special thanks to my beta Vera who corrects my French, is always flexible, has great ideas and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm not making any sense.

Toute Ma Vie

By Destyne

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In My Life ~ John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Prologue

Remus awoke startled. He'd had a dream, a horrible dream. He hadn't had a dream like that in ages. In his dream he was sitting in a cold cell and Dementors were surrounding him. He could hear the screams of prisoners, and see the curling paper in the fire that read, "Please, Remus, please forgive...." and the last word seemed to glow "Sirius."

He'd been proud that he hadn't thought of Sirius as often as he used to, though he still did more then he'd liked to. It was getting easier for him to put his past lover out of his mind. And some nights, with the aid of Firewhisky, he could completely forget.

And that was why he was troubled this night. For a few days he'd had the nagging feeling, something was calling to him. Something from his past was haunting him.

He didn't know what it was, and if he were honest, he didn't want to know. In a dark space in the back of his mind he feared he knew what it was. Sirius had finally surrendered to Azkaban. He'd finally died for the crimes he committed. Part of Remus felt vindicated in this thought. Sirius had taken his best friends, James, Lily and Peter. Sirius had caused so much pain to Remus. And yet a larger part felt sorrow at the idea that Sirius could be dead. The feeling confused him. He knew he'd never see Sirius again. He'd tried all those years ago to see him, to shout at him, to blame him for taking the best years of his life and turning them into a joke. But that day proved that Remus was not allowed in Azkaban in that capacity. The only way a werewolf would be allowed in the wizard prison was as a prisoner.

There was still the nagging. The nagging that Remus hated. The nagging that there could have been a mistake. That Sirius would never give his best friend over.

But Dumbledore had assured him it wasn't a mistake. That his former lover had betrayed him in an unforgivable way. And Remus hated himself for doubting that Sirius was guilty. And he hated himself, on nights like this, for even letting his mind go there.

He pulled himself up and out of his bed. Slowly in the dark, he moved across the room and reached for a small box in his closet. The box was metal and about the size of a shoebox. He hadn't looked in it in over a year. He hadn't let himself feel the guilt the box contained. When he decided, two and a half years ago, to start his new life he decided that the box would not be opened. And yet he placed his fingers on the sides and tugged. The lid snapped off.

Remus stared at the contents for a while. Photographs intermingled with mementos. Muggle photographs of a man with platinum hair and beautiful pale blue eyes. His white smile was making his face more handsome. Remus looked at the picture, and a smile crept to his lips. Then he reached for another picture. The same man, now pale and gaunt. His body almost skeletal. But the smile was still there, and the blue eyes still glowed. And finally, when he was in that final state, Remus knew his secrets. His heart pained, and his eyes started to sting as he remember holding his hand, listening to the buzzing of the machines, and watching the man die.

He almost closed the box, now remembering why he'd told himself he would never open it again, when the photograph he'd been searching for uncovered itself. This one was different. The people in it smiled and waved and moved and gave bunny ears to their fellows. Remus looked into the green eyes of Lily, someone he could have sworn was a soul mate. Someone he'd kicked himself many times over for not being attracted to. He found the vibrant blue eyes of the man holding Lily in his arms, carrying her across the picture as she laughed. And there was little Peter. He was putting bunny ears over Remus's head. And finally, alone, smiling and just looking on, was Sirius. Remus took the whole picture in. He hadn't looked at the picture in a decade. He refused to let himself feel the feelings that came with the picture. But tonight he couldn't hold it in. His nostrils flared and his blood boiled as he looked into the eyes of Sirius. "You took all these people from me. How could you?" Remus whispered to the picture. He tore the corner of the photo with Sirius and threw it on the floor, then placed the rest of the picture back in the box.

He padded back to his bed and lay down. But sleep wouldn't come. Instead came images he couldn't prevent his mind from seeing. Images from years past. Images of him and Sirius, kissing, naked and laughing. Images of him and Sirius screaming, yelling and fighting. With tears rolling down his cheek, he wished more than anything that his demons would leave him alone. That Sirius would just leave him alone.