A/N: So basically I didn't really like how the whole Hope storyline was handled last night. I mean, come on, is she really that clueless? And while that is not the entire focus of this oneshot, it is a signficant part. So for the sake of this story, disregard what happened in last night's episode. Hope you enjoy!
"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."
It's cold, and Jane wishes she had brought a jacket. She then inwardly curses herself for thinking about something as trivial as a coat as Maura lets out a quiet sniff, the small noise slicing through the frigid silence. Usually being in such close proximity to a dead body doesn't bother Jane, but as her eyes fall the ghostly pale face of Patrick Doyle once again, her stomach knots uncomfortably.
This is her fault.
Maura has been at the hospital for almost three hours now. Patrick Doyle has been dead for one. He had fallen into an unexpected coma three weeks previously and had shown no sign of brain activity since. After he had experienced multi-system organ failure this morning, the decision to 'pull the plug' had been left entirely to Maura, his only known living relative.
Jane wishes she would've called. She wishes she hadn't had to face this alone. The least Jane could have done was hold her hand as they took him off life support; it's not something anyone should have to do alone.
"Maura." Jane's voice is thick. And too loud. It echoes off the walls of the hospital room, and Maura sharply turns her head, as if remembering for the first time that Jane is still with her. Jane is shredded by guilt as Maura's sullen, puffy eyes greet her. She doesn't know what she intended to say – doesn't know what she could possibly say.
Maura turns her gaze back toward the body. Her hands clench against the arms of the chair until her knuckles turn as white as Patrick Doyle's face.
"I'm sorry," Jane finally speaks, the words weak in comparison to the emotion and regret Jane wishes to convey.
Maura is silent for a moment. She loosens her grip ever so slightly, though she does not take her eyes off the body. "It's not your fault." Her voice is dull and emotionless.
It is her fault, though she is gracious that Maura has lifted the blame. It alleviates the ache in Jane's gut and reminds her that there's not anything Maura won't stick through with her.
They hear a gentle knock at the door, and Jane can feel Maura holding her breath as a nurse enters the room. "I'm very sorry, Ms. Isles, but we're going to have to take the body down to the morgue now. You may stay here for a little while longer if you need to."
Maura swallows, and Jane reaches for her hand, rhythmically rubbing circles on her cold skin. She nods toward the nurse. Neither of them speak as the woman pages two other nurses in, and they gently wheel the gurney away. Maura isn't breathing again.
"We should go home," Jane whispers as Maura continues to stare at the empty space in front of her.
Maura takes it as a suggestion, though that is not what Jane intended it to be. "You go. Give me ten more minutes." Her voice is so soft, so frail that Jane does not argue.
The hallway is a few degrees warmer than the room, and Jane can feel the life seeping back into her veins as she steps over the threshold. She lingers by the door for a moment, just long enough to hear a sob wrack through Maura. She contemplates returning to the room, but she soon realizes that Maura would have cried in front of her if she had been seeking comfort. For now, she'll let her grieve in peace.
XXX
She doesn't expect Maura to show up at work the following day.
"Maur, why are you h – " she stops short, her words tangling in her throat as she catches sight of Maura, eyeing her from head to toe, too in shock to worry about tact. She's wearing the same outfit as yesterday, and there's an unidentified stain on the hem of her skirt. Her blouse is wrinkled, and her blazer is nowhere to be seen. Her hair appears to have been hurriedly brushed with her fingers. "What the hell happened to you?" The words are out of Jane's mouth before she can rein them in.
Maura's bottom lip trembles slightly, but she holds her head high, flipping her hair to her other shoulder. "If you must know, I stayed at the hospital longer than I expected to," she admits, and Jane lets out a disappointed sigh. "And then I thought, what the hell, I'll treat myself to a drink—God knows I deserved one. So I drank more than I intended to and almost – quite embarrassingly – burst into tears while still at the bar, so I instead took refuge in my car and decided to sober up there before heading home. But unfortunately I fell asleep." Maura lets a small sigh escape her lips. Her tone is quite casual, but Jane can detect the ache behind her words. "I woke up in time to get coffee but not in time to return home."
"Or you could have just taken the day off," Jane raises an eyebrow and scans Maura's frazzled appearance once more as if to validate her point. "Your father just died, it's kind of the normal thing to do, Maur."
"He was not my father," Maura answers, though her voice cracks painfully on the last word. "He was the man with whom I shared my DNA."
"Yeah, and a man who happened to mean a lot to you, Maura. There's no shame in admitting that. Just look at you right now – you can't just brush it off as something meaningless." Jane feels her throat grow tight as her eyes plead with Maura to be reasonable.
"He was a criminal, Jane – he murdered countless individuals in cold blood, he destroyed innocent people's lives. Yes, he did mean something to me, but he does not deserve that kind of dignity from me." Her lower lip trembles as she says the words. "I spent yesterday grieving for him, but I can no longer let him take such a grip on my life."
Jane sighs. Maura's points are valid, even if she is pushing herself too hard. Her complicated relationship with her mob boss father has taken quite a toll on her, and Jane can only hope that the relief from his death will settle in faster than the regret. A burden has been lifted, but not without a price.
The sharp trill of Maura's cell phone startles them both, and she fumbles around in her purse, letting out a tiny gasp. "It's Hope."
"Don't pick up, Maura," Jane practically pleads. This woman has the power to send Maura spiraling into a mess of emotions, which she is far from prepared for even on a normal day, let alone when she's already spent.
"Shh," Maura tuts, ignoring Jane's request as she lets a ring twice more answering. Jane knows she's just as fearful of losing Hope as she is to actually integrate her into her life. "Hello, Dr. Isles speaking – oh, hi, Hope. What can I do for you?"
The rest of the conversation is pretty much one-sided, and Jane curiously waits for the verdict.
"Hope and I are doing lunch today," Maura simply states.
"You're what?" Jane sputters incredulously. "Maura, look at yourself. I'm not here just to be a supportive best friend – I'm here to lay it to you straight, and you don't even look like you should be eating at McDonald's in your state."
Maura purses her lips indignantly, but her expression caves slightly when she tries to brush out the wrinkles of her blouse. "Perhaps if I just put my blazer back on..."
"Maura!" Jane exasperates. "Perhaps if you just call her and cancel. I'm sure she'll understand."
"Jane, I can't do that," Maura retorts, as if she has just presented her with a flawless piece of logic. "She sounded desperate to see me – I just can't let her down like that. She's my..." Maura pauses for the whole duration of time it would take her to say the word before she can manage to speak it. "She's my mother."
Jane has a million arguments for her, but its unlikely she'll win any of them. "Fine. At least borrow my pants."
"My skirt is completely – oh." Maura has just noticed the stain on the hem. "I must have jostled my coffee as I was picking it up from the drive through this morning." She scratches at the stain in vain. "Your pants are too large for me."
"You can roll them," Jane suggests, and Maura looks appalled at the just the mere thought. "Okay, I don't have a problem with you meeting Hope in a stained skirt if you don't."
"My office. Now," Maura growls in defeat, dragging Jane behind the door to complete the deed.
She shimmies out of her skirt, exposing her long legs and a black thong, and it takes all that Jane has not to gawk. Maura folds her skirt in half and hands it to Jane. "Your pants?" She reminds her with an eyebrow raise.
"Oh, right." Jane can't prevent the blush that rises to her cheek. She wonders what this would look like to an outsider if they were to burst into her office at this moment. She quickly fumbles with the buckle of her belt, feeling much more self-conscious than Maura as she removes her pants.
They're a hair too long on the shorter woman, and Maura looks over to Jane as she smoothes the material. "Would they look better rolled at the top or bottom?" She looks a bit uncomfortable in the loose fitting slacks, and Jane smirks a little as Maura seeks fashion advice from her.
"Top, I think." Jane takes a stride to break the distance between her and Maura, gently tugging at the waistband of the pants and rolling them twice. She can feel Maura's breath against her cheek, and suddenly she wants nothing less than to pull away. "There," she smiles, reluctantly taking a step back. "Not too shabby."
Though she's a far cry for her usual stylish self, the pants do suffice, especially after Maura replaces her sleek black heels. "Now about the blouse," Jane mutters, resisting the urge to touch Maura again.
"I have my blazer," Maura reminds her, picking up the light coat from the back of her chair. It's not nearly as wrinkled as her blouse, and though the color is slightly off, it does not clash with her pants. She buttons it so only the collar of her blouse pokes out. "My hair must be awful," she sighs, running her hand through the tangled mess. "I'll be right back," she promises, grabbing a small makeup kit from the top drawer of her desk.
Jane waits patiently on the couch, doing her best not to think of Maura's legs. Or her thong.
When she returns, she has her hair pinned up in a classy bun, almost concealing the horrendous state of her hair. "You like?" Maura poses for her with a seductive grin, patting her hair gently. Jane's just glad to see her smile.
"Lookin' pretty good, doc." Jane assures her, quite impressed that they have actually pulled this off.
"Thank you, Jane." Maura's voice is thick with gratitude.
"You bet," Jane smiles.
XXX
"How was lunch?" Jane pounces on Maura as soon as she returns to the station, though her face immediately falls as she catches sight of Maura's. She can see tears on the brink of her eyes, and she quickly ushers her into the safety of her office.
Her tears spill down her cheeks before she can speak, and at once, Jane has collected her in her arms. Maura collapses against her, and Jane rides out each wracking sob with her. Her hair has begun to fall loose, and Jane gently strokes the fallen strands, holding Maura against her until she is calm enough to speak.
"Hope is leaving."
"What? But she just moved back here," Jane tries to find the reason behind Maura's words.
"I know, but she informed me that her work is bringing her elsewhere," Maura chokes on another sob, and Jane knows that she's crumbling from the heavy blows she's been undeservingly dished out during the past twenty-four hours. "I suppose I can merely appreciate that she felt the need to tell me," Maura reasons, her breathing becoming more steady. "I just wish she could understand that our connection is so much more than a coincidence."
"So you still didn't tell her?" Jane states the obvious.
"How could I?" Maura squeezes her eyes shut as another onslaught of tears assault her. "It wouldn't be fair of me to hurt her that way. It wouldn't be fair of me to give her a reason to stay."
"It's gonna be okay, Maur," Jane soothes, rubbing circles on her back. "We prepared for this, remember? I think you're lucky you got to spend the time with her that you did," Jane reminds her, though she knows that doesn't make it hurt any less.
"I know," Maura lets out a shaky breath, burrowing her head deeper into the crook of Jane's neck.
Jane wrinkles her nose. "Someone needs a shower," she chuckles lightly, though she makes no attempt to push Maura away.
"Shush," Maura protests weakly, a world weary sigh rippling through her.
Jane holds her in silence for a moment longer. "Go home, Maur. I'll stop by later."
XXX
"What are you watching? Some documentary about – The Notebook? Really?" Jane does not contain her shock as she plops down on the couch beside Maura. She blows her nose loudly, and when she looks up, Jane can see that her eyes are nearly swollen shut.
"Crying is inevitable," she sniffs, tossing the tissue into an already full wastebasket. "So I figured I'd at least give myself something else to cry about," she shrugged. "I googled tear-jerker movies and ordered a whole slew of them On Demand."
Jane can't help but to chuckle, even though the scene before her is utterly pathetic and heartbreaking. "You're ridiculous."
She turns her attention to the screen, and it seems she's walked in the mushiest part, as Noah drags Allie into a passionate kiss in the rain. The background music is soon droned out by Maura's loud sobs. Jane turns to look at the pitiful display before reaching for the remote and snapping the television off.
"Hey, why did you do that?" Maura speaks, though her voice is muffled from her stuffy nose. Jane hands her another tissue.
"Because this is unhealthy, Maura," Jane reasons, letting Maura regain her composure after blowing through a few more tissues, until the only sound is the soft noise of Maura's sniffs.
"Can you hold me again?" Maura asks meekly, and the request startles Jane at first. It's such an infantile request, and one she never expected to hear from Maura, but she realizes that she's the only person Maura truly has right now.
"Of course I will." Jane's lips break into a comforting smile as she opens her arms for the other woman.
Maura crawls into her arms, adjusting herself into the curve of Jane's body. Jane's heart flutters for a moment before she engulfs Maura in her grasp, marveling at just how perfectly they meld together.
XXX
Her house is big. Even bigger than Maura's. Jane feels intimidated as she steps onto the porch, and she rings the doorbell before she loses her nerve. She shoves her hands into her pocket, trying her best to ignore her heart slamming against her chest. She forgets to breathe when the front door clicks open, only to let out a sigh of relief when she sees it is not Hope, though it only delays the inevitable.
Instead, she finds a young girl with dark hair, looking shy and hesitant as she stands in the doorway. She glances up at Jane, and a flash of familiarity strikes Jane as they lock gazes. Those are Maura's eyes.
"Oh, um, hi – I'm Jane Rizzoli," she clears her throat, introducing herself. "Is your mother home?"
The girl doesn't speak, though she nods, motioning Jane to follow her. Jane looks down at her ratty boots as they click against the gleaming hardwood floors, hating how out of place she already feels. The girl leads Jane back through the parlor into a spacious study, where Dr. Hope Martin resides in a posh leather chair, intently focusing on the computer screen in front of her.
"Mom." The girl's voice is very soft, and Jane is surprised that such a small disturbance breaks Hope's concentration.
"Cailyn." Her head snaps up immediately with a look of worry only a mother seems able to possess. "Is everyth-" She stops short upon comprehending Jane's presence. "Detective Rizzoli," her voice is collected, though she can still see the startled expression in her eyes. "What brings you here?"
"I was hoping I could have a word with you, if you have a moment," Jane speaks, standing up a little straighter, reminding herself of her motives.
"Cailyn, please excuse us," Hope speaks, rising from her chair. Her daughter leaves without hesitation, and Hope walks around the mahogany desk, touching Jane's hand lightly as she steps out of the study. "Come with me." They step into the parlor, and Jane looks hesitantly at the flawless furniture. "Please have a seat," Hope encourages, and Jane positions herself quite rigidly on the satin cushion of the couch.
Hope joins her, looking expectantly at Jane. "I presume you're here because of what happened with Maura yesterday?" Jane nods as Hope continues, "I have my presumptions about what this is all about, but I would like to hear what you have to say before I jump to conclusions."
Jane nods again, Hope's words swimming in her mind as she hardly comprehends them, instead too focused on what she has come to say on Maura's behalf. Jane had rehearsed her speech in her head countless times on the drive over, and she only hoped she could speak with eloquence and tact. "I know that this may not be my place, but before you leave again, I do believe you deserve to know this, even if Maura isn't the one to tell you." Jane sucks in a breath, trying to ease herself into the conversation, "First of all, I'm sure you noticed how much you two look alik-"
"I know Maura is my daughter," Hope cuts her off, and Jane's eyes snap up, feeling relieved and surprised all in the same moment.
"You do?" Jane mutters dumbly, trying to retrace her thoughts and conjure up an appropriate response.
"Of course. You don't think it's a coincidence that I arrived here in Boston and expressed so much interest in Maura, do you? And I can't say I'm entirely shocked that Maura knows as well." Hope almost chuckles, but then she lets out a sigh. "Though I did believe it was purely coincidence – and quite a blessing on my behalf – when Maura called me up to help her with your case. I'd been struggling with an excuse to contact her for weeks before I got her call – it appeared to me that fate truly had wanted to bring us back together."
It's Jane's turn to slide a comment of her own in. "So you've known Maura's been alive all this time – all these years, and you never once tried to find the child Paddy Doyle claimed was dead – or was that all a ploy?" She knows she's speaking too quickly and assuming too much, but already cannot stand how much this woman has hurt her best friend.
"Oh, no. I did believe Maura to be dead until quite recently, I assure you." Hope looks down at her hands, and Jane tries to gauge if she is lying. She looks back up, her eyes filled with such sincerity that Jane's doubt is gone in an instant. "I saw the news online that Patrick Doyle had been shot and captured – Which led to find the accompanying article about the chief medical examiner in Boston being his daughter – a daughter named Maura who had an uncanny resemblance to me. I knew at once who she was."
"So why haven't you told her?" Jane asks, her eyes wide and pleading.
"Because my motives are not as pure as they may seem – and let me explain myself first," she immediately adds in response to Jane's narrowing gaze. "My daughter, Cailyn contracted a bacterial infection while I was doing relief work in Africa, and she is in dire need of a kidney transplant. I'd donate in a heartbeat, but unfortunately I'm not a match, and neither is her father. When I discovered Maura was alive, I was elated, and though my first instinct was to find her merely to have my daughter back, I fully intended to leave her be – she didn't deserve to receive that kind of shock or to have me intrude on the life she had lived apart from me." She pauses for a breath, and Jane's heart breaks from the sight of her grief stricken face.
"But then you realized that Maura could be a match for your daughter," Jane finishes for her, her story now almost full circle.
Hope nods. "I've felt so selfish, interacting with Maura this way, because it all seems so desperate of me. I suspected she might have known as well – but she never acknowledged it, so neither did I. She's a lovely girl, Jane, as I'm sure you know that – and I can't do this to her. That's why I've decided to leave – its not fair of me to put this burden on her. I can move Cailyn closer to an accessible hospital and have her put on the donor's list there and merely hope for the best. After all, I'm not even sure that Maura is a match, and perhaps it will be better if I never know."
"She needs you right now." The words leave Jane's mouth before she considers her words. "Paddy Doyle died yesterday." She watches Hope's eyes widen in surprise. "And it's really taking a toll on Maura. She could-"
"Patrick Doyle is dead?" Hope repeats, dumbfounded.
"He had been in a coma for the past few weeks...Maura pulled the plug yesterday," Jane explains, watching Hope's face contort into an unreadable expression. She turns away, and Jane refrains from speaking, giving Hope a moment to comprehend the information.
"Maura pulled the plug," Hope repeats once again, slowly nodding her head.
"Because she's his only known relative," Jane gently confirms.
Hope doesn't speak for another moment, and Jane can only image the memories that are resurfacing. This is exactly why Maura didn't want to tell her – and suddenly Jane wonders if she has made a mistake by coming here. "I'm sorry that I came here today. I was out of line," she does her best to make ammends.
"No, no," Hope assures her quickly. "I'm glad you did. I'm glad I know – tell me, was Maura close to him...Patrick?" His name seems to pain her.
"It was only recently that Maura even knew she was related to him," Jane explains as best she can. "And he loved her in his own way. And I think," Jane pauses, carefully considering her words, "that Maura latched on to that more intensely than she expected."
Hope nods, looking as though she might cry, and her expression strikes Jane with a sense of déjà vu. God, she really is the spitting image of Maura. "Patrick Doyle," Hope speaks slowly, "was a monster. Sometimes I wonder how I picked up the pieces of my life after he destroyed it. I didn't realize to years later that he had done what he had to protect me. I just never expected to realize the full extent of his love now – he gave myself and Maura a greater life than either of us would've had if he had kept us together." She wipes a tear away from her cheek, and Jane turns away a bit uncomfortably. "You really think she'd like a visit from me – and she won't be too angry at me?" Hope adds.
"I think she'd love to see you – but I would hold off on the kidney request for just a little." Jane forces a smile.
Hope smiles through her tears. "She really means a lot you, doesn't she?"
Jane nods. "She's my best friend." The words hardly do their relationship justice, but there is no other term Jane has been able to place on it.
"You know," Hope mutters thoughtfully, "When I first saw you two down at the station, I thought you two were dating."
Jane doesn't know what to make of her words and can't gather her thoughts quickly enough to form a reply.
"I even asked Maura the first time we did lunch, and she seemed quite shocked at the suggestion, but certainly not appalled," Hope adds, her eyes finding Jane's. Jane still doesn't speak, wondering exactly what Hope is getting at. "I do apologize if I seem frank," Hope senses Jane's discomfort. "But I did think it was worth mentioning. Maura thinks the world of you – and while she hasn't said those exact words to me, just the way she speaks about you says it all. And your actions tell me you feel the same. You don't find a bond like that everyday, and I just wanted you to know how truly lucky you are."
Jane doesn't know how the conversation took this turn, but she does know that her work here is done. She feels a little awkward as she rises. "Uh, thank you," she mutters politely. "And thank you for listening to me," she adds, feeling a bit more relieved as she steers the conversation in a different direction.
"No, thank you," Hope emphasizes, rising as well. She takes Jane's hand in her own. "I'll be sure to call Maura soon."
XXX
"Cailyn needs a kidney. I may be a match." It's the first thing out of Maura's mouth, after her visit with Hope three days later. They're in Maura's living room again, where is seems they spend the vast majority of their time when they are not on the job.
"What, she told you already?" Jane's baffled, feeling as though she may have sorely misjudged Hope.
"You knew?" Maura is just as shocked and upset, and gives Jane a harrowing glare that lets her know that it is not okay that she had kept this information from her.
"Not for very long!" Jane defends herself immediately. "Hope told me the other day – when I went over there. She did tell you about that, didn't she?" Jane knows she has dug herself into a rut.
"Yes, she did inform me, and I would be quite angry at you except for the fact that I know you did it only because you care about me – in which case I am quite thankful. But you should have told me about the kidney, Jane," Maura emphasizes once again.
"It wasn't my place to tell," Jane reasons with her. "And I still can't believe that Hope laid that on you so soon."
"She didn't mean to," Maura defends her mother. "I know she feels quite terribly about it, and she said not even to worry about it at all, but when you have a sick child, it's a topic that's always on your mind. Cailyn called while I was with her, and I immediately detected the panic in Hope's voice, so of course I inquired her to make sure everything was okay," Maura explains. "And Hope isn't very good at lying – a trait that obviously runs in the family, so when confronted head on, she ended up confiding in me. And I fully intend to see if I'm a match."
"That doesn't mean you have to go volunteer to get yourself cut open immediately, Maura," Jane reminds her, a bit annoyed. "Your father just died. You're just reconnecting with your birth mother – that's more than some people have to deal with in a lifetime, so honestly, give yourself some room to breathe."
"I'm just getting tested, Jane – it's the least I can do for Hope and her daughter," Maura folds her arms across her chest, narrowing her gaze ever so slightly. Why is it that Jane can never seem to win?
XXX
"Remember, it's not your fault if you're not a match," Jane squeezes Maura's hand as the nurse prepares the needle to take a blood sample.
"Siblings have a 35% greater chance of being a match than a parent," Maura spouts off, rubbing her arm a little nervously. She knows she's thinking about Hope and Cailyn waiting anxiously out in the waiting room. Blood test results usually take a few days to get back, but the sway of the two doctors involved in this scenario has gotten them permission to obtain immediate results.
"Cailyn's your half-sister," Jane reminds her gently.
Maura scowls, making sure her sleeve is rolled up high enough as the nurse brings the need and vials over. Jane squeezes Maura's hand tighter.
It only takes a few minutes to fill up the tubes, and the nurse smiles at the pair. "We'll have the results back shortly. You and your girlfriend can go wait out front."
"She's not my—" they both start at same time, but the nurse is gone before either of them can correct her mistake.
"Hope made that same assumption, you know." Maura rolls her sleeve down gently over her sore arm.
"Yeah, she mentioned that to me too. Do we really look that 'couple-y?'" Jane mutters as she holds the door open for Maura.
"Well, we have done our share of 'couple-y' things together," she reasons, stepping out into the hall. Jane had expected her to vehemently deny it, but instead she seems quite comfortable with the notion. "And you do spend a fair amount of time at my house rather than at yours."
"That's just because it's nicer than my apartment. Who wouldn't?" Jane defends.
Maura shrugs. "Let people assume what they will. I'm just glad I have you in my life."
Jane can't suppress the grin that spans across her face, trying her best not to analyze what it may mean.
XXX
"So Cailyn, you're eighteen, huh?" Jane attempts to make small talk, time inching by unbearably slowly as the four of them wait for the results.
"Uh, yeah," Cailyn looks up from her iPod, giving Jane the classic teenager glare.
"Cool," Jane mutters, instead reaching for a parenting magazine from the rack beside her.
"Cailyn was attending Oxford before we moved her," Hope supplies, alleviating some of the tension.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" Maura's voice is too high pitched, and Jane notices that her wrists are rubbed raw from her nervous scratching. "What are you majoring in?"
"Was," Cailyn mutters bleakly. "I was majoring in History," she sighs.
"But you'll go back once you recover from your transplant, won't you?" Maura encourages, giving the girl a reassuring smile.
"Yeah, if they find a match, and if my body accepts it, and if I have a smooth recovery," Cailyn mutters morosely. Hope reaches to place her hand on Cailyn's arm, but the girl shrinks away.
Jane is glad when a nurse appears with a clipboard, diverting their attention elsewhere, and they all wait with bated breath as she approaches them. "Ms. Isles, I'm sorry to inform you that you are not a match."
The words hang ominously in the room for a full minute before any of them can speak. Cailyn shoves her headphones deeper into her ears. Maura starts to cry. Hope tries not to cry. Jane stares intently at an article about breastfeeding.
Hope slides over to rest a hand on Maura's shoulder. "It's okay, Maura. It's okay," she soothes. "There was only a sliver of a chance anyway. All we could do was try."
Maura wipes her cheeks. "I really wanted to do this for you, Hope," she chokes out.
"I know, Maura. I know, and I can't thank you enough."
She wraps Maura into an embrace, and the tears only begin again.
XXX
The car ride home is silent, and there's an unspoken agreement that Jane is going to spend the night. She follows Maura in through the front door, waiting for her to speak, but she only slumps down on the couch.
"It's okay, Maura," Jane mutters, patting Maura's arm gently.
"No, it's not. I've brought my mother nothing but heartache and failure." A fresh batch of tears sprinkle Maura's face.
"Maura, there is nothing you could do to control this. The fact that you merely offered speaks volumes," Jane emphasizes. Her hands reach for Maura's hair, and she feels her relax ever so slightly.
"It would've been better if Hope still believed me to be dead," Maura finally mutters, tucking her knees up against her stomach.
"No, Maura. Don't say that – this is just a really complicated situation right, but I can assure you that Hope wouldn't wish it to be any other way." Jane's tired and frustrated, but she tells Maura what she needs to hear.
"Her daughter is going to die."
"Don't say that," Jane immediately contradicts.
Maura says nothing in return, letting out a heavy sigh followed by a yawn. Jane has never seen her so spent, so broken.
"Come on," she prods gently. "Let's go to bed."
XXX
Jane wakes up to a bright stream of sunlight bathing the bed, realizing too late that she had forgotten to shut the blinds last night.
Maura sleeps soundly beside her, her face more peaceful than Jane has seen it in days. She wishes she would stay this way forever, free from the binds of worry, free from the grief inflicted upon her.
Jane props herself up on her pillow, watching Maura for a little longer. She repeats Hope's words in her head as she continues to gaze at her. You don't find a bond like that everyday, and I just wanted you to know how truly lucky you are.
She doesn't think she's ever seen Maura look more beautiful than she does now, and for the first time, Jane truly wonders what it would be like to hold this woman in her arms forever.
"I love you," she whispers, her voice so faint that even she hardly hears it.
XXX
"Have you ever kissed a guy?" Jane finds herself asking Frankie, slapping her beer down on the countertop of the bar. It's been a grueling week, and Maura's out with Hope and Cailyn tonight, so Jane decided to indulge herself with a necessarily treat.
"Hell no," Frankie looks appalled at even the thought, which makes Jane's stomach knot a bit uncomfortably. She suddenly regrets bringing it up at all. "What, have you kissed a girl?" Frankie adds, raising his eyebrows at Jane.
"No!" Jane answers too quickly, but it is the truth.
"Then why are you asking? Is there a girl you want to kiss?" Frankie takes a swig of his beer, looking expectantly at Jane.
"Uh, no. And I was just asking because I was, uh, curious," Jane fumbles her way through her lie, inwardly cursing herself.
"Sure, because it's the typical question to ask your brother out of the blue." Frankie doesn't bye it, and Jane contemplates bolting for the door. "This wouldn't have anything to do with you and a certain doctor, now would it?"
"Damn, is it really that obvious?" Jane slumps against the countertop, running her fingers through her hair.
"Aha! I knew it. Tommy's gonna owe me some big bucks when I tell him this," Frankie states a bit proudly.
"What, you've been betting on this?" Jane groans, wondering what she and Maura have been missing this whole time.
Frankie reaches to pat her arm. "Hey, it's not bad thing," he assures her. "Sure, the thought of same sex relationships has kind of always weirded me out a little – not that I think its a bad thing, by any means," he quickly adds, alleviating some of Jane's anxiety. "I guess I just never got it, but after seeing the way that you look at Maura – and the way she looks at you, I finally understand how love really doesn't depend on the gender."
Jane can't help but to smile slightly. It's one of the sweetest things she's ever heard and exactly what she needed him to tell her right now. A wave of relief washes over, and she reaches for Frankie's hand. "Thanks, little brother."
The smile he gives her speaks more than any words ever could.
XXX
Maura's not at work the next day, and Jane finds herself on the route to her house the minute she leaves the station.
She's greeted by piles of boxes lining the living room, filled with Maura's possessions. She hears the faint sound of sniffling, and she follows it into the bedroom.
"Maura? What's going on?"
"Oh, hi, Jane." She quickly wipes her eyes. "Sorry, I'm crying. Again." She seems quite frustrated by this fact.
"No need to apologize," Jane assures her, sitting down on the edge of Maura's bed as she watches her continue to fill a suitcase. "If anyone deserves to cry, it's you. But really, Maur, what happened? What are the boxes for."
"I'm moving," she states simply, and Jane's eyes widen incredulously. "Or at least I intend to. And soon, hopefully. I don't know," she finally admits with a defeated sigh.
"You can't just suddenly uproot your life like this," Jane protests. She slides of the bed, gently tugging a pair of pants away from Maura's grasp and placing her own hands there instead. "What happened?" She urges Maura, trying to dig her way to the root of this.
"Hope's leaving." The words are simple and heartbreakingly familiar, and Jane cannot believe they have to go through this again. "Cailyn needs to be closer a larger and more accessible hospital if she's going to get the transplant she needs," Maura sniffs, looking down at their interlocked grip. "She promised she'd stay in touch. She promised she'd visit," Maura assures herself more so than Jane. "But I'm not her daughter. Cailyn is – and she only needed me so that I could help Cailyn."
"That's not true, Maura -"
"Yes it is Jane. I know she does care for me, but she doesn't need me. I was silly to think that I could make her a part of my life at this point."
"Maura, you cannot keep beating yourself up about this. None of this is your fault," Jane is tired of hearing herself say the words, but she will say them as many times as Maura needs to hear them. "So why has Hope leaving spurred on your own decision to uproot your life?" Jane moves the conversation forward.
"I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll just lose you, too," Maura admits, timidly finding Jane's eyes.
"You know you just contradicted yourself," Jane tells her, trying her best to instill reason upon her. "Because if you leave, then you really will lose me." The words hurt even just to merely suggest them.
"I know, I know," Maura mutters. "But at least then it would be my choice. Losing Patrick Doyle and Hope have hurt me more than I could have ever imagined possible – and I don't love them even a fraction of the amount that I love you."
Jane's heart swells from Maura's confession, and she tightens her grip on her hands. "Then doesn't that give you even more of a reason to stay?" she whispers, locking eyes with Maura. "I love you, too, Maura. More than I have ever loved a person – more than I ever thought possible to love a person." She leans in, impulsively brushing her lips against Maura's, and while its their first kiss, it already feels like she has done it a thousand times. "I love you, which is why I'm begging you to stay."
"Jane." Her breath ricochets of Jane's face. Maura reaches to cup her cheek softly. "I'm so scared," she finally admits.
Jane kisses her again, a promise on her lips. "I'm not going to leave you."
Jane lets her words settle. Maura lowers her hand away from Jane's cheek. "I know you won't, but I'm afraid of what could happen, regardless. That something will tear you away from me - your job is hardly one I can place any security in. And I know I sound selfish, but I just don't think I could bear it if something happened to you." Maura's words come out in a rush. Jane scoots closer to her, pushing the suitcase out of the way so she can hold her once again.
"You'd give up all we have based on just a speculation - of a future that is less than likely to happen?" Maura leans against her, and they simultaneously sigh.
"I've never been truly loved before, Jane," Maura admits. She places her hand in Jane's again. "And I've never loved anyone so deeply before. It scares me, facing something so foreign - the thought of what would happen if I lost something so wonderful."
Jane sighs again. Her worries are valid, but she fights to show Maura that what they have means so much more. "You know what I'm scared of? Losing what we have. Losing our chance to make this work before we've even had a chance to begin," she murmurs. "And I know it will be far from easy. We both come with our faults, we both come with damage and a past, but doesn't all love? Wouldn't our love be worth it?" Jane isn't sure where her clarity and confidence are coming from. Only yesterday she was fearfully admitting her revelation to Frankie. But someone needs to be the strong one, and while Jane has always viewed Maura as her rock, she's beginning to realize she needs to be just that for Maura right now.
Maura is silent for an unbearable amount of time, and Jane fears for a moment that her words are cruelly one-sided. But Maura merely turns to face Jane. "Will you kiss me again?"
She graciously complies, rubbing her thumb gently against the soft skin of Maura's cheek. It's the confirmation she needs, the first step in a long journey forward. It doesn't mean that Maura still won't have moments of fear, and it doesn't mean that Jane won't have moments where she needs to reassure her, but it's a promise that the fear of the unknown cannot be weighed in comparison to the love that they would risk losing.
A/N: I'm a review whore. Indulge me ;)