A baby… one small child is all that's left of years and years of friendship and love and adventures and life. How is it possible that so much could disappear in the span of one night? Entire lives, blinked out. God, I can still see them smiling, see Lily and James dancing, see Pete's round face laughing. They are right there. And him. My brain shies away from his name in a rush of despair. That face that always brought me hope now only looks foreign and blank as it swims behind my eyelids. Oh Padfoot, what happened? These loose thoughts in my head are threatening to sever my thin grasp on sanity. The simple words are right there in front of me, floating menacingly… Betrayal. Trust. Murder. How is it even possible?
Everything hurts… I can't stand or cry or breathe or do whatever the fuck it is that normal people do. But I embrace it, this despair that is more comfortable than thinking of all the truths that have been dashed this night. Pete's weakness. Dumbledore's power. Magical protection. And the love of Sirius Black. No, I can't think of him. Not now. I know I have to keep myself together for Harry, for the war. But what I want is a quiet corner to crawl into so that I may reexamine the broken pieces of my soul and see if I even want to put them back together. How can I be whole without him? But how can I want him after what he's done?
Because you don't believe it.
Belief! What does that even matter in the face of oh god, Lily and James dead and Pete blown to bits and bodies in London. How does my shattered heart's disbelief stand up to all that? There's no room for love amongst all that unnatural pain, there's no room for reason or wishing or dreaming of futures that might have been. None of it matters anymore.
How do I say goodbye to my whole life, and live through it? Three friends and a lover, everything I've known of family and love and purpose… all gone, and a desperate heartache of betrayal lingering. I can lay Lily and James to rest… I can know that Harry's protected… I can apologize to Pete for never acknowledging the courage he so carefully hid. But Sirius… how can I let him go without forgiveness? How can I let him go when I know he's alive… knowing he's in Azkaban for what has happened? How can I let him go without having the truth in his own rough voice? I know that doubt will follow me forever. Doubt of every smile and casual dinner conversation. Doubt of our love (so strong that it should never be doubted), doubt of all of our friendships and loyalties. Doubt over my inability to see any of this fucking mess coming.
I can feel my horizons shifting, crashing into each other; my body swaying as I try to right myself in this world of wrongs. Everything I know, gone. And something new in it's place… an emptiness that's not a hole, but filling. It's the shape of a musty dark flat and Sirius huddling in a prison cell and inarticulate condolences. It smells like sulfur after fireworks and cold cups of coffee when I can't sleep and high tide at the full moon and wet dog. It feels like my new reality.
I'll live. I'll continue. Because that's what I'm supposed to do. Once I lived without hope or warmth… back before Hogwarts or friends or trust or empathy. I can live without it once again. If that can be called living. Perhaps one day I'll have the chance to ask him, perhaps one day I'll get the truth. Until then I'll just be, one lonely night at a time.