Cover art by deviant_forever and drawn for the shaggydog_swap at livejournal.
Title: When The Bubble Bursts
Username: remuslives23
Art: Bubbles by deviant_forever*
Word Count: 2394
Rating: PG13
Contains: AU. Language. Angst with a happyish ending.
Summary: Remus was always good at pretending.
Notes/comments: deviant_forever*, I adore your art! You've drawn for my fic before and I'm so glad I got the chance to write something for your gorgeous art. Thank you to mypretty_art and dogsunderfootfor beta reading and pom pom waving!
Remus Lupin sat cross-legged on the floor, staring sightlessly out the window at the dark night. The wind was howling and Harry was making a racket and it was bone-chillingly cold, but he blocked it all out. If he just kept his eyes fixed on the suffocating black outside, he could pretend that he and Harry were taking a play break on the floor of Lily and James' living room. He could make believe that the rhythmic thunk, thunk, thunkhe could hear was James chopping wood for the blazing fire that heated the room, doing it the Muggle way because Lily preferred it that way. If he closed his mind to all else, he could almost smell the mouth-watering fragrance of Lily's pork roast with crunchy golden potatoes, and he could make himself believe that the noise Harry was making was that of happiness and contentment.
It wasn't so difficult; he'd had a lot of practise pretending. He had pretended to be a normal boy who had a right to be at Hogwarts with all the other children. He had pretended to be a discontented werewolf, disillusioned with the magical community and everyone in it. He had pretended not to see his relationship falling apart and his lover becoming more and more distant. He had pretended it didn't hurt worse than his full moon transformations to see the suspicion and doubt in his friends' eyes when they looked at him.
Yes, he had become an expert at make believe.
The door flew open, slamming against the wall, and a frigid gust of wind swirled around the room, blowing Remus' flimsy pretence away. He blinked as he turned away from the window and took in his situation. There was no fire – not yet, anyway – and it hadn't been James chopping the wood; it was Sirius, doing it the Muggle way, because they were forbidden to use magic here. They weren't in the Potters' living room; they were huddled in an Order safe house in the middle of nowhere, because the Potter home had been reduced to rubble. There was no roast or potatoes, and no Lily to cook them, not anymore. Lily Potter was dead and Remus would never forget the sight of her broken body beside Harry's cot. And Harry wasn't rolling on the floor giggling, letting loose that unrestrained joy that never failed to lift Remus' heart. He was screaming, sobbing, begging for his 'Mama' and his 'Dada', and Remus' heart was breaking.
'Can't you do something with him?' Sirius snapped, kicking the door shut behind him. 'He's been bellowing for hours.'
Remus was shaken out of his lingering apathy by the sharpness of Sirius' voice. He raised his eyes and glared at the man he once considered the love of his life. 'He's just lost his mother and father, as well as his home,' he said with deceptive calm. 'What do you suggest I do with him?'
'Just do something!' Sirius let the firewood tumble from his arms, and it hit the bare floor with a loud, jarring clatter. Harry's cries broke off abruptly, and he stared at Sirius with wide green eyes before bursting into fresh tears.
"He looks just like James, Remus, but his eyes… They're Lily's eyes.
'Nicely done,' Remus said, scowling at Sirius before he turned to Harry and pulled him into his arms. Harry fought against the embrace: chubby arms and legs punching and kicking with all their remaining strength. Remus' moon-weary bones and muscles protested the rough treatment, but he didn't let go. Harry screamed his anger, his confusion, his grief, into Remus' shoulder, and Remus took all of it, absorbing it into his own flesh, his own heart. He closed his eyes and just held on, whispering nonsense platitudes into Harry's hair as he rocked him.
He hardly ever cries. He's such a good baby, Remus.
Eventually, Harry ran out of steam, and his little body slumped against Remus' chest, an occasional sniffle or whimper the only indication of his continuing distress. The crackle of a fire, loud in the now deafening silence, made Remus glance up. Sirius was crouched by the fireplace, stoking the burgeoning flames, teasing them gently into life. Remus shifted Harry to a more secure position against his chest then shuffled closer, his denim-clad backside sliding easily over the polished wooden floor.
Sirius glanced at them over his shoulder. 'I thought he'd fallen asleep,' he murmured, watching Harry nuzzle his face deeper into Remus' shoulder.
'No,' Remus said softly as he settled a few feet away from the fireplace. 'He's just run out of tears for now.'
Sirius stared at Harry for several long seconds. 'I know how he feels,' he said softly, before he turned away to gaze moodily into the leaping flames.
Remus sighed. Sirius had raged and screamed at Dumbledore when they'd arrived at the safe house, tears streaming unnoticed down his face, but Remus hadn't shed a tear, yet, too numb to cry. But the warmth of the fire was slowly soaking into his skin, melting the ice that ran through his veins, and he knew that it wouldn't be long now before he felt the pain of his loss.
He rested his cheek against the top of Harry's head, the fine dark strands of hair tickling his nose, and Harry's body gradually lost some of its tension. A small relieved smile turned up the corners of Remus' mouth, and he pressed a kiss to the dishevelled nest of hair.
He's brilliant, Moony, even if he got my hair instead of Lily's.
'I keep hearing them,' he said abruptly, feeling Harry startle at the unexpected rumble in Remus' chest. 'I keep turning around expecting to see them, but when I look, they're not there.'
'I can't hear them at all,' Sirius said, voice low and rough. 'I don't want to. I don't deserve to.'
'It wasn't you,' Remus murmured, stroking Harry's back as the little boy stirred restlessly. 'You didn't do this.'
'Yes, I did,' Sirius said forcefully, pushing himself to his feet. He turned to look at Remus, pain radiating from every inch of him. 'I did this. I trusted the wrong person, I convinced James and Lily that I was right, and it killed them!'
Remus shook his head, and Sirius took a step closer. 'You can't tell me you don't blame me,' he said accusingly, jabbing a finger at Remus. 'That you don't hate me. You've barely looked at me since Dumbledore left.'
'You thought I was the spy,' Remus snapped, finally losing his temper. 'You stood in our bedroom and told me you were leaving because you couldn't trust me anymore. What do you expect me to do, Sirius? Say all is forgiven and just forget about it?'
'So you do hate me!' There was an almost triumphant note in Sirius' voice, and Remus had an urge to punch him.
'I love you, you bloody prat!' Remus shouted. After a quick glance down at an increasingly anxious Harry, he lowered his voice. 'I love you. Godric only knows why, since you are apparently incapable of having a healthy relationship, but I've always somehow ended up on the road less travelled.'
'But I betrayed you,' Sirius said in disbelief. 'I lost faith in you, in us.'
'Yes,' Remus said simply, fresh pain blooming with every word Sirius spoke. He hunched his shoulders, protecting both Harry and himself.
Sirius stared down at him for a long moment then he seemed to deflate, his anger draining from him like a balloon leaking air. He sank to the floor in front of Remus. 'How?' he whispered, grey eyes dull with grief and loss meeting Remus'. 'How can you still love me after what I did to you, to us?'
'I don't know,' Remus said honestly. He looked down at Harry. 'And it's not important right now.'
'Not important?' Sirius' voice rose again. 'For Merlin's sake, Remus, stop being such a fucking martyr…'
'Sirius!' hissed Remus, glaring at Sirius before glancing pointedly down at Harry, who was gazing fearfully up at his beloved godfather. 'Watch your language.'
Sirius winced and dragged his hand over his face. 'Sorry,' he muttered then he forced a smile as he bent to talk to Harry. 'Sorry, Harry. I'm just cranky tonight.' He ruffled the boy's hair then kissed him on the forehead.
'Dragging up the past isn't doing any good,' Remus said. 'We have to focus on what's going to happen now.'
'With us or with Harry?' Sirius asked.
'Both. We can't keep fighting about who did what to who if we're going to look after Harry,' Remus told him. 'Dumbledore was reluctant enough to let us leave Godric's Hollow with him. If he finds out we're divided, he'll take Harry away from us and send him to live with Lily's sister.'
'We are his godparents,' Sirius growled fiercely. 'Not that bitch. Dumbledore wouldn't dare…'
'He would if he thought it was the best thing for Harry,' Remus retorted, even as his arms tightened protectively around the child in his lap. He couldn't lose Harry as well. He just couldn't.
Sirius' indignation melted away, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. 'Okay,' he murmured, stroking Harry's hair. 'What do you suggest?'
'First, we're going to figure out what Dumbledore has arranged in the way of supplies and clothes.' He shifted Harry in his lap. 'And I think Harry needs a change and something to eat.'
Sirius nodded. 'Okay, I'll go and check what supplies are here.' Before he stood, he kissed Harry on the top of the head again then, after a second's hesitation, pressed his lips to Remus' forehead. 'I love you,' he whispered. 'I never stopped. And I'm so sorry.'
Remus watched him leave then let out a shaking breath. This was it for him for now. These two people and these four walls. A wave of anger crashed into him and he wanted to scream, to kick and punch and stomp his feet like Harry had done, like Sirius had done. He wanted to hurt someone, anyone, to make them feel his pain.
He hadn't just lost his friends tonight. He'd lost his family. This war had cost him his family. Remus closed his eyes, anger dissipating as grief swelled and his unshed tears stung.
'Lily and James must have been prepared to move at short notice,' Sirius said as he came back into the room. Remus glanced at him; his face was pale and his hands trembling as he held out a bundle of clothing. 'There are toys for Harry and clothes that will fit… would have fit James and Lily.'
At Sirius' slip in tense, Remus choked back a sob, muffling the sound in Harry's hair. He was on the edge, he could feel a wail building in his chest, and he shook with the effort of holding it back.
A familiar hand on his shoulder made his breath hitch then warm breath washed over his cheek. 'Moony. Here, let me take Harry, love. You go and… take a break.'
He wanted to hold on to Harry, to never let him or Sirius out of his sight in case they disappeared too, but hot tears were forming at the corners of his eyes, and Remus didn't want to let Harry see him break down. He nodded his thanks to Sirius then managed to make it to the bathroom before the first ragged sob broke free. He hastily turned on the shower to cover his weeping then sank to the floor, curling up into a tight ball as he finally let go.
Remus didn't know how much time had passed before he was able to haul himself to his feet, standing on wobbly legs as he washed the evidence of his grief from his face. He gazed at himself in the mirror, barely recognising the face that looked back at him. His skin was ashen; his scars standing out in stark relief against the grey tone, and his eyes were rimmed in red. Pain had etched lines around his eyes and mouth, and perpetual worry had deepened the furrows in his brow.
He looked and felt much older than his twenty-one years.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Lupin! You're gorgeous. Now, get that cute arse of yours out there and go have some fun! Just don't let Sirius Vanish anything of James' that I might need later, alright?
His broken laugh startled him, and his lip trembled as tears threatened once again. But he blinked them back and took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom.
Sirius and Harry weren't in the living room but before panic could blossom, he became aware of a childish giggle from one of the bedrooms. He approached quietly and paused in the doorway, just watching. Sirius had unpacked some of the toys and had found some bubble solution. He was blowing bubbles into the air and smiling a genuine smile as Harry leaped for them, busting the ones he caught with a clap of his hands and a delighted laugh.
Remus found himself smiling as he watched on. Harry would recover from this, he told himself. He and Sirius would make certain of it. He would know James and Lily, and he would know how much he was loved. His gaze moved to Sirius who looked up right at that moment. His smile became uncertain, but when Remus responded in kind, Sirius' smile became the sweet, intimate upturn of lips that Remus had fallen for so completely. His heart stuttered in its rhythm, and Remus realised that he'd been wrong earlier. He hadn't lost all his family. It had been reshaped, reformed, but he still had people he loved beside him, and they needed him.
'Moo'y!' Harry cried upon seeing Remus in the doorway. 'Bubbles!'
'I can see them,' Remus said, stepping into the room and settling on the floor beside Sirius. He reached for Sirius' hand, twining their fingers then squeezing lightly.
Sirius looked startled then smiled in relief before turning back to Harry. 'Here's some more, Prongslet,' he said, blowing a stream of bubbles. Harry squealed and chased after them.
Sirius turned to Remus who cupped his face and leaned in to press their lips together. 'We can do this,' Remus said determinedly. 'We willdo this. Together.'
Fin.