Quite Possibly the Most Original Story Featuring a Sonic Fan Character Ever
Part the First: Enter Those Characters That Seem to Be Necessary
There was a town in the Pitcairn Islands, where only fifty people lived, that was considered to be the biggest and most populous town on the islands. In that town, there lived Crassus the Hedgehog, an indigo fellow with highlighter yellow quills and neon blue eyes. His muzzle consisted of a five o'clock shadow and his tail was made of fiberglass. He had a trusty companion, Walker the Fox, whose red fur consisted of nothing but Day-Glo and he had a touch of Munchausen's Syndrome.
The two always went on merry adventures with the Foreman family, who adopted them when they fell out of their spaceship that took them from an exoplanet orbiting around the border of the Edgeworth-Kuiper Belt to earth so that they could survey the human race and establish a millennia of peace for the New Universal Order. However, the two citizens of Planet Barabajagal got irreversibly sidetracked and unwittingly became members of the human race. The hedgehog and the fox lived with the Foreman family for many months, but this was about to change.
One day Walker found a glinting gold rock by the side of a creek he usually visited, and it shined a crimson red. When it shined it pointed in the direction of the ocean. When Walker looked up and saw the ocean, he thought he saw Venus riding a crimson shell, all in her naked glory. And he became…shall we say…pretty excited. But then he realized it was a mirage created by the glinting glassy pyrite. Or so Walker thought. He thought it was fool's gold originally, but the physical and chemical properties of the rock, upon later observation and experimentation in his makeshift laboratory he made out of cardboard, did not correspond with the mineral composition of pyrite. Sure, it was a brassy yellow, but the lattice crystal structure of the mineral was entirely different than the structure of pyrite. Walker decided to tell Crassus about this newest scientific development.
"Hey, Crassus!" Walker said in a somewhat deep timbre akin to a French horn, "I've discovered some pretty interesting rock!"
"A rock?" said Crassus dismissively, as he stared into the sun, wishing to split the light rays into the spectra of visible light so that he would see more beautiful color in this world. "Why would a rock be important to you?"
"Well, Crassus, this rock is pretty strange. It looks like pyrite, but internally, it isn't!"
"Why the hell should pyrite matter to me?" said Crassus in a very defensive squeak.
"Calm your ass down!" said Walker, to Crassus' surprise. "This may be a serious situation! Sure, this may appear trivial to you, but to me, this may be a scientific breakthrough! Suppose we find out more about the earth that we were supposed to analyze? Suppose we tap into the true nature of the universe? Think about it!"
"You know, Walker," said Crassus, "You make an excellent case. Become a lawyer after we become famous. But let's look at this…rock thing…and see what it does."
"Well…," Walker blushed, "It lit up and summoned a very…" he giggled, "beautiful, sexy, scantily clad female."
Crassus' eyes lit up to the same wattage as Times Square on New Year's Eve. "Really now?" he asked.
"Well, so I thought," Walker said with a lingering blush. "Then she disappeared. She looked like Aphrodite of Greek mythology. On this planet, that is."
"Summon the girl," said Crassus as a comet darted across the daylight sky, turning orange and yellow in the process. This prompted the town astronomer, Tycho, to write observations in his composition notebook so that he could publish them in the scientific journals of the Pitcairn Islands. He would be famous within the week.
Walker stared at the rock, and the rock shined a crimson red again. The light turned toward the direction of the ocean again.
"Here she comes again, when she's dancing beneath the stormy skies," said Walker with an amorous look on his face.
"Quiet, Walker," said Crassus, as the figure appeared on the shore again. But it wasn't Aphrodite. It was Ares, her husband. Ares came up to them and slapped them both in their muzzles.
"Stop looking at my wife, you terrible perverted animals!" yelled Ares, as his shield melted into the ground as Ares' mind slowly deteriorated. "You better not mess with her beauty, or else!"
"Or else what," opined Crassus. To which Ares replied, "Or else you will wish that your exoplanet never existed."
Walker gasped, "You know of our planet?"
Ares rolled his eyes, "Of course. I am a god! I know everything, like my other god compatriots. Now, if you excuse me, I have to leave with my WIFE, Aphrodite, that you groped with your terrible, terrible eyes. You literally undressed her!"
Walker protested, "But she was completely nu…"
"So what? Stop having an indirect affair with my beautiful wife!" Ares grabbed the crimson shell he rode on and left.
The light then faded away on the surface of the rock. The rock, which somehow adopted the characteristics of a metamorphic rock, turned into quartz and shined the color of its surface. It became a soft yellow.
The two creatures turned to each other, shook their heads simultaneously, and went back to the Foremans to eat some brunch before they had to work in the million fields to grow petunias for world export. The Pitcairn Islands' petunias were the country equivalent of the Netherlands' tulips; both coveted by all and wanted by everyone.
Life would then return to normal in a matter of half an hour.
El Cid. El fin. El Nino. El Al. Et Al. For Now.