Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda, Nintendo, or any of its characters. If I did, I'd be really rich right about now. And there'd be a noticeable amount of gore in it, etc etc.
A/N: Hey everyone, I've been very busy as of late. I've been balancing music and real life between everything else hectic. You know that your REAL reality is always a bit more potent than VIRTUAL reality. Well, not a bit, but you get the picture. This story came as I was shifting through boxes of old computer games and I (jeez) ran across Oregon Trail amidst the clutter. Needless to say, this story is VERY random. I wrote it on a sugar high.
Please Read and Review. Thank you. :)
Oregon Trail
Kurai Hitokiri
I'm a video game addict.
Anyone who knows me at all knows of my vast addiction to all things gaming.
My parents started me early. Whenever we went down to my grandparents' house in Holodrum, I found myself on the NES or SegaDreamcast my cousin so willingly brought over. We'd play Ninja Gaiden, Bad Dudes, and all the works. Oh, and Punch Out!
Never forget Punch Out!
But I have to say, of all the games we played, I can still remember the games of my very early youth.
Especially a certain game in which people die of Dysentery and Typhoid Fever, or wander off the trail for several days and dying.
Yes, you all know exactly what game I'm talking about.
The most annoying yet infamous game in all Hyrule. No, in all universes.
Oregon Trail.
Ohhh yes, it's the game that your teachers made you play in elementary school (if your teachers were as masochistic and evil as mine more) to learn the harsh realities of individuals travelling to the… blah blah, shmabity babity. You get the point.
It was meant to teach us the lesson of how great we had it in Hyrule in these modern times. Of course, I don't see how listening to the annoying "BA-BA-BUMM!" sound flashing 'cross the screen every few seconds was very educational.
I was only a kindergartener when my teachers first made us start playing the game. Our fifth grade 'buddies' would sit next to us and translate what it said on the screen (Hylian looks like gibberish crap when you're a little kid, everyone knows this… plus, what kind of messed up little kid knows what Typhoid fever is?) whilst we idly clicked the buttons on the screen, wondering what the Hell they would do.
Several years later (well, try eleven or twelve years later) while I was much less of a peanut-butter fingered dude and admitted that my screams of 'COOTIES' about Zelda Harkinian were actually a sign of my liking for her (which led in turn, to her becoming my girlfriend) I found myself scrolling through the App store on my iPad, when I suddenly came across a much more RECENT version of Oregon Trail.
Being the absolute sap for old times that I am, I bought the app.
And well…
It led to a little more trouble than I thought.
Starbucks dates are a ritual for Zelda and I.
Every Wednesday after school ended without fail, we would walk down the street, hand in hand, to get a steaming cup of coffee (well, steaming cup of coffee in my case, more one of those ice blendy things for her) and just spend time together.
After all, I was a "video game ape" in the eyes of my girlfriend (as she so kindly dubbed me after I… well I FORGOT about a date because I was too busy playing WoW to pay attention to her) so any time I wasn't glued to the TV screen with my homeboys (again, as Zelda called them) was spent basking in the beauty of my goddess-like lover (hi Zelda, if you're reading this… do I get brownie points?).
This particular Wednesday, I'd brought my iPad to school with me, playing Oregon Trail in between periods (nothing eventful ever happens on Wednesdays at our school besides ridiculous talk from our teachers) or just humming crud thoughtfully from my iPod.
The push notifications, I'd silenced during class (because nothing's worse than having to explain to your teacher that your iPad is going berserk not because of a family emergency, but because one of the members of your party has been attacked by a Bald Eagle). But as soon as school had gotten out, I'd absentmindedly switched them on again.
Somehow, from the short walk from school to Starbucks, nothing had happened to my party. In fact, I was almost suspicious about the fact that the blaring alarm I'd set on every problem had gone unsounded.
But all the better, because Zelda and I were sitting opposite each other, being all lovesick and coupley, just as she liked it.
She smiled faintly at me, the curve of her tender lip arching. Ringlets of bright gold fell across her violet eyes in an endearing mess.
"Link, we've been together for a while…" her words broke off as she reached across the table, grabbing my hand gently in her own.
"Three years and six months," I promptly answered, learning after the first disastrous forgetfulness…ness that Zelda would be enraged if I didn't keep tabs on the days exactly. Well, at least, for our 'monthiversaries,' her birthday, and my birthday at least.
"Yes," she smiled brightly, obviously pleased, "I've been thinking… and I think that it's time we-."
At that exact instant, a shrill, ringing sound pierced the air from my iPad, sending a burst of light out of the touchscreen.
Which, of course, sent Zelda's hand reeling back from mine as she scooted back violently, sending the Gerudo in the chair behind her face forward into his maple bar.
Wups.
I grabbed the iPad, quickly typing in my password and checking the screen.
"Aww man! 'Zelda died of Typhoid Fever!"
"Excuse me?"
I looked up at my grouchy girlfriend as she stared daggers at me, tapping her fingers against the table.
Smiling sleepishly, I pointed down at my iPad.
"It's Oregon Trail. You know? The game where you try to make it to Willamette valley an-."
"I know what Oregon Trail is, Link!" she groaned, sighing. "Please… just put the game away."
"Umm," I typed in the number of days to rest so that 'Zelda' would be strong again, "okay."
I set the machinery down, closing the cover over it for good measure and grabbing Zelda's hand back in mine. "You have my undivided attention, Sweetheart."
Zelda, once more, leaned forward, albeit a bit worse for wear this time (it happened whenever she was truly frustrated with me… which seemed to be often, now that I think on it).
"Link, we've been going out for a while now…"
"Yes sweetie."
"And I just wanted to ask you if you wa-."
'BA-BA-BUMMM!'
And once more Zelda shot up in her chair, this time sending her ice-blended whatever straight onto the front of her blouse.
My eyes widened in terror as I watched my girlfriend's usually angelic expression transform into something much more violent.
Ferocious violets burned into my own as an animalistic growl left her throat. Dainty hands came forward, grabbing my iPad into her hands as she took it and flung the technology straight into the nearest window.
My jaw dropped as I watched my several hundred rupee iPad fly into thousands of pieces all across the Starbucks, the Barista squeaking as she grabbed several blenders and hid the contents beneath the register in an attempt to save the fluid from little chunks of Applewear.
"Zelda!" Wow Link, way to squeak, how manly! But come on, this is APPLE… Frickin' expensive crud. The kind of stuff you can't just replace overnight. I mean, this'll take LOTS of days of Tektite training to replace. And do you know what it's like to try to train Tektites?
They're all over you, slobbering and grabbing you with their spiny arms. It's kinda like legal rape.
In the form of bestiality (kids reading this: BESTIALITY IS NOT OKAY!)
Or whatever it's called when blood sucking, spiny monsters of doom crawl all over you in an attempt to suck your innards out. Legally (sorry, just felt like I had to add that).
"Link, I've been trying to talk to you," she roars (whoa, rabid Zelda, don't act like a Dodongo now!), "but your damn iPad keeps ringing about your damn games!"
"It's not just a 'damn game'" I shriek (yeah, I shrieked… but seriously, when it comes to my games, all manliness is lost) "Oregon Trail is a timeless masterpiece in the art of Computer and App gaming!"
"It's a stupid GAME!" she throws the table over and stand in front of me, chest heaving as her face goes red. "A stupid game that is obviously worth more than our stupid relationship!"
"That's not fair Zelda!" I jab her in the arm with a finger, only seeing red. "I put up with all your talk about damn MAC makeup and go all corny. But NEVER once have you given any of MY interests any chance!"
I looked down, slightly tear dropping. "And now you've destroyed my precious, precious-."
"Link, it's an iPad!" she glares, "It's on warranty! I would know, I bought you the damn thing!"
"That doesn't matter! You destroyed my game!"
"And how is that important?"
"Because I didn't want you to DIE of Typhoid Fever!"
"It's a GAME, Link!"
"Yes, but I've also got our virtual children on there!" She's killed little Jimmy, Joe, and BOB! (sorry, my mind isn't that creative when it doesn't have its daily caffeine).
"Don't try to get on my good side, Link! Your touching virtual life is just virtual life!"
"It's the closest thing that I'm ever going to a future with you, at this point in time! It's what I WANT!"
At that point everything was silent, Zelda's delicate features stunned (oh boy) yet filled with some sort of previously unknown emotion.
"…What you want?" she questioned softly.
I sighed, drawing up my chair, picking the table up, then motioning for her to sit down.
"Yes… I love you Zelda," I looked up at her shyly, "I know we've said it lots of times in the past but… We've never really talked about a future."
"Link…"
I closed my eyes, ready to take the rest of the emotional plunge. "I really want to marry you someday. Y-you know? I mean, we've been together for like… three years a-."
A delicate finger made its way across my lip. I looked up from my shameful lock on the mahogany wood of the table, panicked at the expression on Zelda's face.
She was crying goddamnit, and that's the one thing I hate to see a girl do. Cry. It means you f-ed up, and now you had to try to make it up.
"You didn't do anything wrong," she gave me a watery smile. "It's just… Even though you did it in such a dorky way… it was so sweet."
What? I basically confessed I wanted to marry you, and we're only in High School and now you LOVE it?
…Oh right. Girls. Like. Mushy. Stuff…
Okay, I'll run with it.
"So… you're not mad about the Typhoid fever?" I ask hopefully.
"No," she smiles, "Not at all."
And it's when I lean across the table and hug her that I secretly grin.
Video games are so awesome.
This story is dedicated to:
My unofficial 'therapist.' Thank you for providing sanity and clarity through the past few years. I'm glad my crazy ranting has not scared you off. Definitely become something in the mental business, because crazy rants to you are very medicinal :)